Sorry you’re here. There’s been thousands before you, and there will be thousands after you.
It won’t be okay today… or tomorrow… or next month. But one day, it will all be okay.
I’ll add some more when I’m not working, yet just wanted to make a quick comment around the “your next wife can thank me” and the comments about how you threw it away by not agreeing to marriage counselling before your trip away.
It’s all BS. If you’d gone to MC then, she would have used it to start separation. Or she would have said “I can’t believe you thought we could fix your problems in our marriage in two weeks, you don’t care about me.”
It’s really important to know that whatever you do, you’re in the wrong. You could be the best husband, person and father in the world - and she would still blame you for everything.
Beg - she’ll tell you you’re weak. Walk away - she’ll tell everyone you didn’t try. Agree with her on everything, you’re just trying to trick her into coming back. Disagree with her on everything, and you’re an [censored] and that is why she has to leave.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, YOU ARE WRONG, SHE IS RIGHT AND SHE WILL SEEK VALIDATION FROM EVERYONE THAT THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You have to learn to be okay with that.
Learn to disconnect. Follow DB principles. Accept she’s going to be angry sometimes. And do not disappear down the tunnel where you are terrified of every interaction like each word you say could be the final nail in the coffin. It’s not like that, and probably no matter what you do, she’s going to do what she’s going to do. Don’t live or interact or respond through fear.
Best of luck. Stop worrying about her, and start worrying about you.
As Steve said, best thing you can do is walk the other way happily. If she realizes what she’s throwing away she might come around, and if she doesn’t … you’re already a long way down the road to starting your new life.
I’d think seriously about kicking her out of your bedroom. No sex! If she doesn’t want to be your wife, she can sleep on the couch IMHO. “I’m hearing that you don’t want me as your husband. I’m respecting your wishes. It’s best you sleep on the couch from now on.” And then leave the house before she starts an argument.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Things will get better and better, and even though we are always striving to be in a more happier place, it's only by truly being okay with where we are that we can take the next step.
You're stepping all the time - forward.
and just like all of you can see my steps when i can't feel them at all, we can see yours
let it go and embrace the beauty that comes our way..
you just stated the crux of the law of attraction. the key is ( and it is the same message in DB'ing) to be happy anyway, no matter what is going on. to always look for and strive for the best place in one's thoughts and feelings and let the rest work itself out. if in the moment the best place is full of pain and sadness, to even embrace that and say to oneself - it's ok, this is where i am and things are getting better even though i don't always SEE that they are, i can trust that they are
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Validating is what we do when we behave and respond in ways that tell the other person their feelings and thoughts are very important to us. (FYI - We can validate someone without necessarily agreeing with them.)
How can we communicate validation? Let me run down some practical approaches:
1. Good eye contact
2. Body turned toward the speaker
3. Relaxed and focused, not fidgety & impatient
4. Let them speak without interruption.
5. Avoid jumping in to correct, defend and/or explain yourself. Just listen!
6. Physcially acknowledge what they are saying (nod, lean forward) and/or verbally acknowledge (checking in with an "OK", "Uh-huh", or "yes" at appropriate times.)
7. Acknowledge their feelings ("Mary, you're really irritated that I forgot the garbage? I understand that could irritate you." "You told me you're hurt and I hear it in your voice." "You're frustrated about your job? It sounds like it frustrates you!")
8. Respond with empathy and remorse. ("I am so sorry our situation has caused so much pain for you." "I can see that I have done some things to cause much of your anger right now. I am sorry." "I am beginning to understand how important [source of her anger/pain] was to you. It was insensitive of me not to see this earlier.")
9. Asking questions in response to what was said. ("I just heard you say I made you angry. I'd like to understand, so could tell me more how I did that?" "I see you're upset and I'd really like to know what happened for you to feel this way?")
I hope this is a helpful start. In Michele's "Keeping Love Alive" series, she reviews more completely how to communicate well with each other. It would be very helpful and I'd recommend it!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I wanted to take a few moments and post my thoughts on my journey. Saturday it will be a year ago that he moved out. A year ago that my life completely changed and the fairy tale ended. I can remember believing that I could not live with out him, that I would shrivel up and die. Then as time passed, I knew I would survive, but still didnt really want to if he wasnt going to be there. Those feelings then transitioned into not wanting him to survive, to finally where I am today - only thinking of him as a sad little man that is truly broken.
I have found myself in this journey and have found my happiness. You never truly see how lonely you are in an empty relationship until others step in and give you the love you were missing. I thought when OEO left me I would never be loved again. Well the truth is I am now loved more than ever, my definition has just been changed. I have connected with my friends in a true and meaningful way that was lacking before. I always reserved that love for my husband. Now I know better.
In the begining I focused only on what a wonderful marriage I was losing. I could not understand how he could break us apart when we were so obviously soul mates. Later, I only focused on the negative aspects of our relationship. How could I have been so blind to how selfish this man has always been??? Now I realized that for 17 out of our 20 years together, there were good and bad. I am glad to have expierence the positives with him, and am trying to learn from the negatives, both his and mine. I learned what to look for next time around and what to stand up for as well. No longer will I play second fiddle to my own needs. No longer will I allow my boundaries to be crossed. They are there to protect me and my love that I give out.
From this site I have learned how to focus one minute at a time, then one hour, one day, one whatever. I learned to do what I needed to do just to cope and then to grow and finally to live. I am not the same person he left. I am better an more fulfilled. Ironic how the person he left bloosomed back into the person he fell in love with, but this time even stronger and healthier. He put me into a crisis that forced me to learn. It made me see the things in myself that I didnt like and then change them. I am glad I was given that gift, still hate the paper it came in. He, on the other hand, has digressed and has fallen even further. He craves the "fun" friends as to the meaningful ones. THey are easier to maintain and require little giving. I know that I am the last person he will have truly bonded with because he no longer is capable of be able to give of himself in that way. It is sad for him, but it actually helps me to know that I was the best thing that happend to him and he will never have me again. It gives me closure to know this and that I will be the one who is better off.....h#ll, I already am.
Its funny, when I first came here I refused to believe that my husband was following the same script as everyone else. I thought to the core of my being that he truly was different......didnt we all though? I got the same ILYNILWY speech that everyone got. I was told how this was all my fault just like everyone else. I even found out about there being an OP, just like most of us here do. For some reason, it still didnt click. For any newbies that might read this, they are all the same, they truly are. What finally convinced me was when we were having a conversation and he told me that he just had not been happy in the marriage for over ten years. I smiled inside and thought to myself "I was wondering when that little speech was going to happen. Guess now it has."
The ugliness that they exhibit is pretty standard as well. When I filed for divorce because he refused to attend MC with me and told me he wanted our R over with, he pulled his money and tried to cut me off. When I would act like his friend in hopes of establishing R, he was your typical cake eater.....loving the attention both women were giving to him. He would lie to my face, steal things from the house, and always play the victum no matter what the situation was. H#ll, I was fighting cancer and he STILL managed to make everything about him. Then, when I finally went NC, darker than the blackest night, wow did the meaness start.....threatening to try and take my child away from me, draining every penny from the bank account, trying to force the home into foreclosure, utilities getting disconnected.....its a wonder I didnt go mad. If I would not have had this site, I probably would have crumbled into a million pieces. Instead, all the strong LBS here helped me to keep standing and to keep fighting.
So here I am....a year later. No longer affraid to get divorced, actually looking forward to it. He, on the other hand, has now become the one to drag things out. Gee, isnt that in MLC the book as well? Once reality starts to set in on what divorce life is going to look like, the MLCers try and avoid facing it because it becomes too overwhelming for them. <Sigh> Guess it will eventually get done, that is what my lawyer is for. I need to read the script again because I dont know what comes next. From what I remember it is one of two things......he marries his OW as soon as possible and lives an empty, sad, shallow life that eventually becomes full of regret......or........they crash and burn and he shows up on my doorstep begging for a second chance (that is if I dont already have someone else). These two situations I have prepared for and both are the same - dont focus on his life at all, only focus on mine. He is no longer allowed to be a visitor in my kingdom. This princess deserves a prince and when I am ready, I will find him. Enlighten Fools my not apply!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Logic, reason, the Lord, kids, etc. will not turn her around, will not wake her up. In fact, all of that is pressure and she will run in the opposite direction.
Whichever direction her life is headed is on her. Leave it with her!
What I’m referring to is to not manipulate her path. A LBS making personal changes and decisions in an effort to directly affect the spouse’s path usually prolongs the spouse’s journey. At best the efforts is neutral, at worst disastrous. No one is wise enough to see all ends. And you certainly do not want the responsibility of her outcome heaped upon you.
The LBS let’s go, stands, and moves forward. Your decisions are to be best for your interests; you are the most important person in this equation. Oftentimes the LBS pretzels themselves and will walk on eggshells in an effort to smooth things over and try to get the situation back to what it once was. Best to focus on you. Let go, live your life, and let her run to catch up. If that is indeed what comes to pass.
You are just starting out, and I get it, you want to do something to move this forward. Realize doing nothing is doing something. Being still is still moving forward. When you’re calm and at peace, answers will reveal themselves.
You have been given the gift of time. Use it well.
In my opinion you are doing excellent. Posting lots, listening, seeking advice and wisdom before deciding anything and/or putting decisions into action.
The future is unknown and unwritten. Have faith my friend.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Listen very closely. W is going to be mad at you no matter what you do. She is likely feeling guilty and bad about herself due to her actions and will project that on you.
Even if you walked on eggshells and tried to appease her 110% she's still going to lash out at you for something. One example on here we used recently is it's her birthday and you get her a card/present she'll be upset because she told you she needs space and is done and you're not listening, but if you don't get anything for her she'll use it as an example of how you don't care and it justifies her affair/leaving.
Your goal IS NOT to avoid making her mad. Your goal is to do what's best for you and your kids.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My kids were embroiled into my situation right from bomb drop. D15, S17, S19, S21 (ages at BD) were at the table when Mom pulled the pin and toss the grenade into the middle of Thanksgiving Supper.
A few days later, W dropped by in the morning to discuss “her” speedy divorce plans. It was then, at 9:30 am, that she let me and my son know that she consummated her affair and we could get divorced. In my locale, there is a one year cooldown period, unless there is physical abuse, emotional abuse, or adultery.
Adultery is difficult to prove and win in litigation, and therefore that charge seldom is ever brought forth or convicted upon. However, W wanted it, and demanded she be charged. In fact, she included that demand in her draft of the separation agreement, stating the legal statute, and wanted to plead guilty. She did not want the one year cooldown period. Turns out she had no plans to marry OM, and still hasn’t. She actually has stated to the kids’ questioning of her regarding that - “Are you crazy? I’m not going to marry him.” That was right in front of OM.
We were legally separated in 60 days from BD. And W had 30 days of light duties during this time from her vein stripping surgery, so no lawyer visits during that time. The agreement was revised only once. During the revision, I had my lawyer remove the adultery stipulation and W didn’t catch it. I didn’t want to go to court and charge her. Boy oh boy, was she mad when she found out it was removed.
Anyhow, as you can see, my kids were front row. And in truth, they got the brunt of Mom’s anger. She saw her fifteen year old daughter as a rival. She unloaded such ferocity at S17. See tossed them aside with her Thanksgiving speech: “DnJ, you get the house, the cars, and the kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.” Aghast doesn’t quite do it justice; what all eight of us felt. Me, my parents, and kids were all dumbfounded.
I talked to my kids lots! I answered any and all their questions. They have questions, and they will get answers. If not from you, they from who or where? Or they will just make up an answer. Out of the options, you are the best one. So be their best option. Always.
I was factual. And did not demonized their Mom.
Remember, kids are half of each parent. They already question their half of the genes and if they are somehow destined for a similar path. My kids did. Remind them, they are half of you too. And they have choice.
Our job is not to facilitate the relationship between the other parent and kid(s); our job is to not destroy it.
Your query asks “how” and not what to tell your kids. I find that wise.
Speak to them clearly, openly, sincerely, and above all - honestly.
If you cannot speak about something that day. Tell them. Look, I am sorry, I just cannot talk about that right now. Let’s speak tomorrow. (And ensure you do!)
I found gentle steering worked well. My kids were pretty much adults. Telling them what to do stopped working years ago. I gently steered towards understanding, forgiveness, etc.
Kids want to, and will, emulate and follow a good lead. (After the obligatory rebellious stage. )
My case was rather extreme with their Mom leading a path that none of them would ever want their partner/spouse doing to them. There were so many conversation over the years. You got to keep your ego out of it, and stick to the facts.
Lots of empathy towards the kids’ feelings too. That’s a difficult thing when you are run through the wringer yourself. Letting them lead the conversation will bring up the pertinent items which need to be discussed. There really is not much prompting once things get rolling along.
Ha, I was just remembering having the sex and birth control talk with my daughter. LOL. I had her sit on the opposite end of the couch. I said, “this is embarrassing. You look that way (away from me) and I’ll look this way (away from her)”. I then made the show of taking a deep breath and purposely blurted out “I want to talk about dating and boinking and birth control.”
We both laughed. It was a perfect ice breaker. We had several good conversations. I authorized the underage prescription for the pill. Daughter was unlikely to bring that request up to me, and we certainly didn’t need any unplanned pregnancy.
Such is this situation you are in. Embarrassing, hurtful, grief-ridden, etc. And uplifting, hopeful, forgiving, better not bitter, compassion, and such. Believe me, you have an incredible influence upon your children. Utilize it well, and steer gently.
The biggest thing is talking about it. Anything buried alive will come back to haunt later in life.
Well, a little more than I set out to type. Hope it helps.
D
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The reason you are struggling is the power struggle between the emotional and intelligent parts of your brain.
At the moment, your emotional brain and thoughts are calling the shots, so intelligent brain isn’t getting a say and you’re spiraling out of control.
Don’t let your emotions control your thoughts/decisions. Acknowledge them, process them, but learn to identify that they are not going to give you good outcomes and they need to be replaced with measured, reasoned thoughts and behaviors.
“I can’t do this, it’s just too hard, I miss her so much.”
STOP SIGN IMAGERY
“I’m allowing emotion to control my thoughts.”
“I most probably will get through all of this and be okay.”
“I acknowledge I feel crap. But I still need to make smart decisions.”
“Perhaps because I’m emotional, I’ll redirect. I’m going to go for a run or gym session, have some good food, and then reconsider my problem with strength and the intelligent half of my brain.”
Emotions are fine. But don’t let them influence thoughts, behaviors and outcomes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
