Living with a WAW

[Ready2Change]

It’s time to take your advice and start posting about my attempts at GAL and what’s going on with me.

Make the master bedroom manly. Big picture of motorcycles, or boats, ect. Go buy a manly bedspread that you like. New sheets.

Check out LFA on youtube.

If you do buy a new bed, you might as well buy one you want and give her the old one. Just a thought.

[BL42]

DW17,

I’m not saying you have to… but have you thought about buying the downstairs bed for her? Something to consider. I know I couldn’t sleep in the same bed as someone engaging in an affair.

Kind18 - No I haven't thought about buying the bed for her, but I'll consider it.

If you do buy a new bed, you might as well buy one you want and give her the old one. Just a thought.

I get the psychology / strength aspect of it, but wouldn't waste your time making her life easier and more comfortable. She's a big girl; she can fend for herself. You spend that bed shopping time in the gym instead. Maybe have an air mattress from Amazon...let her sleep on that!

I hope she does because it's a pain to change my direct deposit at my work. Last time I had to it got messed up and I missed 3 paychecks. The bank said I can't kick her off of my account without her there. I believe I can take myself off of her account though.

Don't "hope" in W's actions. That's passive and weak. Take charge. It takes less than two minsto create a new online bank account, and it can't be that complicated to change direct deposits from work - make it happen.

This morning W complimented me before work, randomly asked to see my phone (I pivoted to getting D4 ready for school) she sent me another "have a wonderful day" message (she hadn't said this once prior to this week), and sent a random selfie from work that I did not reply to. It feels like she’s trying to pull me back in, but you guys said to expect this and I'm not getting sucked back into her web. I'll continue to keep my responses short, try to follow the advice I've been getting and stay as busy as I can this weekend.
Good stuff! Keep being attractive and mysterious. Make her wonder.

[quote=Kind18]It’s helpful when the things you tell me to expect play out in reality. Makes it easier to see what’s actually happening and prevent me from misinterpreting things.

Indeed. Knowledge is power.

[Ready2Change]

I’m not saying you have to… but have you thought about buying the downstairs bed for her? Something to consider. I know I couldn’t sleep in the same bed as someone engaging in an affair.

Kind18 - No I haven't thought about buying the bed for her, but I'll consider it.

If you do buy a new bed, you might as well buy one you want and give her the old one. Just a thought.

I get the psychology / strength aspect of it, but wouldn't waste your time making her life easier and more comfortable. She's a big girl; she can fend for herself. You spend that bed shopping time in the gym instead. Maybe have an air mattress from Amazon...let her sleep on that!

Lots of choices. Evaluate the options. Make a decision. Execute the plan. Live with the consequences (good or bad).

[DW17]

This weekend went pretty well. I went with a friend to grab drinks and watch some playoff baseball. Later that night W did her standard night out/see you tomorrow routine so I did movie night with D4. The next morning we were out of the house before W got home. We went to a park and went to my dad's house for his bday. We stopped at a large bridge on the way to check out the view. Got to spend time with family which was nice and talk about things with my sister, who is the only family member of mine that knows what's going on. W was in her room when we got back and pretty much stayed there the rest of the day.

Today I met with 2 lawyers. I'm not sure how helpful it was, but it solidified some thoughts I had which is nice. They both said if I get divorced I'll be financially screwed between child support, alimony and whatever my new rent/mortgage is. They also both said I probably won't be able to help D18 pay for college. Also, I am pretty much stuck selling the house, even though neither of us wants to. I was kind of expecting it, but was hopeful they might have some other recommendation. So that's fun. Part of me wants to drag it out and enjoy things while I have the money to do it, part of me wants a quick resolution so I can move on with life. I don't want to be a jerk, but I also don't want to be walked on.

Lots of choices. Evaluate the options. Make a decision. Execute the plan. Live with the consequences (good or bad)

This seems to apply to everything going on right now. I've got the info that I need. Time to make some decisions.

[DW17]

The last couple of days have been weird and I’m still struggling with which decisions to make on a few things. I found out that W has in fact told all of her family about our separation, which is fine but adds some awkwardness things. She has also talked with a friend who filed for divorce by having her and her husband fill out the paperwork and just having a L review everything at the end to save money. W said she intends to do the same thing eventually, which will only cause problems if we can’t agree on the big items. I don’t think she has a clue how much child support and alimony she is entitled to per the L’s I talked to. They didn’t give $ amounts, but said she would be better off than me. If we work through things without her getting a L, do I even bring this up, or just let her sift through it on her own and only fight it if I don’t like the results? Do I just try to avoid any talk about D altogether? Previous conversations seemed like she was just venting and would move on the next day. Her words the past few days seem like actual plans. Maybe I just need to give it some time and try not to react too much in either direction, as her current plan extends out until June when D18 graduates. A lot can and likely will change by then. But for the first time it feels like D is inevitable.

I got roped into a discussion about D plans when I told W that we need to split our bills for next month. L told me to divide the bills before I split our accounts so I don’t get stuck paying for everything myself without having access to the other acct if W doesn’t agree, which makes sense. W resisted at first because she needs to “save money so she can move out”, which she has said for 2 months without saving a penny. Yesterday she said she’d be willing to pay some of them. I’m going to plan it out tonight and go over it with her tomorrow.

W’s biggest concern right now is making sure we don’t mess up D18’s senior year of high school so she wants us to work together, even if that means her moving downstairs until D18 is done with school. I’m still not sure how to handle this situation. She suggests things but doesn’t actually do them. Is the cake eating until I make a decision so she can paint me as the bad guy? I know you guys have given advice here, but do I just basically kick her out of the room? If she asks why, do I mention her texting OM all day? (No, because I’m not supposed to talk about OM) Or do I just say that separated people don’t sleep in the same bed? Do I just ignore it and let things play out until our eventual D? I’d rather be the decision maker than the person waiting to see what happens, but it still feels like the wrong move either way.

I’ve been trying to balance being friendly with being distant lately. W has gotten mad at me for lack of communication and ignoring her, which is probably justified. I read in a post here that if you are ignoring, you are doing things wrong. I’m by no means wanting to nice her back, as I know that doesn’t work, but it feels like there’s something to be said for at least enjoying your time around each other before it’s gone. I don’t want to be in the friend zone, but it also feels weird having such minimal communication and it has led to some confusion/frustration over daily plans. I don’t know. I think I may have pivoted a little too far toward ignoring and may need to shift a little more toward aloof yet available, while being conscious of my boundaries of not doing things for her. Just being friendly and validating her feelings. Or maybe I was doing things right and I should continue with that. It’s a tough line to walk.

My wife’s cousin reached out to me to offer support and asked me to join them at the pumpkin patch this weekend. I decided that I will go. I look forward to it every year. She has been pretty much the only constant support for me, W and the kids through our entire relationship, even though she lives 3 hours away. I’ve been closer to her family than my own. It feels like the right decision.

On a good note, W reverted back to not taking care of D4, so my concerns about her trying to keep me from her thankfully only lasted 2 days. And I am on to a new book “Codependent No More.” I’ve gotten good info from each book I’ve read. Hopefully this one does as well. Also, I PR’d a 5k last night and I’m 5 pounds from my weight goal. Longer post than I intended. I hope everyone is doing well.

[LH19]

She has also talked with a friend who filed for divorce by having her and her husband fill out the paperwork and just having a L review everything at the end to save money. W said she intends to do the same thing eventually, which will only cause problems if we can’t agree on the big items.

This is actually a really good idea IF you guys can come to an agreement.

I don’t think she has a clue how much child support and alimony she is entitled to per the L’s I talked to. They didn’t give $ amounts, but said she would be better off than me. If we work through things without her getting a L, do I even bring this up, or just let her sift through it on her own and only fight it if I don’t like the results?

YOU LET HER FIGURE OUT ON HER OWN.

Do I just try to avoid any talk about D altogether?

You don't bring it up and if she asks questions about it just say "I need to think about it".

Previous conversations seemed like she was just venting and would move on the next day. Her words the past few days seem like actual plans.

What's going to happen is going to happen DW. You have zero control over it right now.

Maybe I just need to give it some time and try not to react too much in either direction, as her current plan extends out until June when D18 graduates. A lot can and likely will change by then. But for the first time it feels like D is inevitable.

What do you mean react too much in either direction?

W’s biggest concern right now is making sure we don’t mess up D18’s senior year of high school so she wants us to work together, even if that means her moving downstairs until D18 is done with school.

Your W is at least thinking about her children. Not all can say that.

I’m still not sure how to handle this situation. She suggests things but doesn’t actually do them. Is the cake eating until I make a decision so she can paint me as the bad guy? I know you guys have given advice here, but do I just basically kick her out of the room? If she asks why, do I mention her texting OM all day? (No, because I’m not supposed to talk about OM) Or do I just say that separated people don’t sleep in the same bed? Do I just ignore it and let things play out until our eventual D? I’d rather be the decision maker than the person waiting to see what happens, but it still feels like the wrong move either way.

What decision are your making? Well technically you can't kick her out of the room. You can suggest she sleeps elsewhere. Why does it feel like the wrong move either way?

W has gotten mad at me for lack of communication and ignoring her, which is probably justified.

Why are you ignoring her?

I read in a post here that if you are ignoring, you are doing things wrong.

Depends on what you are ignoring

I’m by no means wanting to nice her back, as I know that doesn’t work, but it feels like there’s something to be said for at least enjoying your time around each other before it’s gone.

Why would you enjoy spending time with someone who has multiple affairs and is planning to leave you?

I don’t want to be in the friend zone, but it also feels weird having such minimal communication and it has led to some confusion/frustration over daily plans.

What is confusion/frustration over daily plans?

I don’t know. I think I may have pivoted a little too far toward ignoring and may need to shift a little more toward aloof yet available, while being conscious of my boundaries of not doing things for her.

You shouldn't ignore her your answers should be brief and you should not be available because you should always be out doing something.

Just being friendly and validating her feelings. Or maybe I was doing things right and I should continue with that. It’s a tough line to walk.

You are way over thinking it. How you act right now has zero effect on her decision.

My wife’s cousin reached out to me to offer support and asked me to join them at the pumpkin patch this weekend. I decided that I will go. I look forward to it every year. She has been pretty much the only constant support for me, W and the kids through our entire relationship, even though she lives 3 hours away. I’ve been closer to her family than my own. It feels like the right decision.

The right decision based on what?

[Ready2Change]

She has also talked with a friend who filed for divorce by having her and her husband fill out the paperwork and just having a L review everything at the end to save money. W said she intends to do the same thing eventually

Perfect, let her fill out the paperwork and give you copy. Then you take your time to read and process it. Before that happens, you privately draw up your own. That way you have an idea on what you think is fair.

which will only cause problems if we can’t agree on the big items.

To clarify, did she say this (which is how you stated it) or do you think this (Which is what I believe you meant).

Do I just try to avoid any talk about D altogether?

The rule is "Do not initiate." When she initiates, you intently listen, like it is the only thing that matters. Do not let it drag on. At some point, you can state "Thanks for sharing. I will need some time to think about what you said. I have to go now. I have something important to do"

she needs to “save money so she can move out”, which she has said for 2 months without saving a penny. Yesterday she said she’d be willing to pay some of them. I’m going to plan it out tonight and go over it with her tomorrow.

First thing I would do when discussing this is to ask her "How soon do you think you can move out?" I do not know how to articulate how important this statement is. First, you are supporting her decision (Even if you do not agree with her). You are not arguing with her.

W’s biggest concern right now is making sure we don’t mess up D18’s senior year of high school so she wants us to work together, even if that means her moving downstairs until D18 is done with school. I’m still not sure how to handle this situation.

Lots of choices. List some ideas out. We can't do all the work for you. Think this out here. We will give our 2 cents.

She suggests things but doesn’t actually do them.

Take action to make them happen. Respectfully move her stuff downstairs.

but it still feels like the wrong move either way.

You are using the wrong ruler. Is this what LH19 would do? Is it what PDT would do? Did I make a plan and stick with the plan?

I read in a post here that if you are ignoring, you are doing things wrong.

It all depends on what you are ignoring and why. The goal is to reduce resentment.

it feels like there’s something to be said for at least enjoying your time around each other before it’s gone.

She does not enjoy being around you. She wants out. Best thing to do is GAL and possibly have her miss you. What are you enjoying about being around her anyway? Texting OM?

[DW17]

What do you mean react too much in either direction?

My mind reacting positively or negatively to my thoughts about the future. As you’ve said several times, I can’t control that and I should not even be thinking about it.

What decision are your making? Well technically you can't kick her out of the room. You can suggest she sleeps elsewhere. Why does it feel like the wrong move either way?

The decision I’m referring to is kicking her out of the room. Is she just staying there until I tell her to move downstairs so she can have something to get mad at me about? I’m not sure, but I probably shouldn’t even care if she gets mad at me. It feels like the wrong move either way because I’m trying to balance being assertive and kicking her out of the room with trying not to create a confrontational daily environment. But she is the one who has created that environment so I shouldn't be worried about it.

Why are you ignoring her

She keeps telling me that I am ignoring her and she’s said it enough that I’m starting to believe it. Usually it’s when I don’t give direct answers to questions and say “I need to think about it” or something similar. She also mentions when I don’t respond to texts/phone calls right away. The thing I should probably ignore is when W tells me to stop ignoring her.

What is confusion/frustration over daily plans?

Because I don't talk/text with her as much, things with D18 (college/work/soccer/school) and coordinating our schedules has failed several times. If I have plans, I keep forgetting to mention them to her which has upset her. For example, I forgot to tell her about the Halloween party I'm going to and it's on a Saturday which is "her day" according to her, so she is mad about it. Apparently I'm supposed to have Fridays only to go out, which is news to me.

Why would you enjoy spending time with someone who has multiple affairs and is planning to leave you?

I worded that poorly. I don’t necessarily mean enjoying my time around her, I mean having an amicable relationship. We are stuck in the same house for the time being and it seems like it’s better for everyone if we aren’t arguing every day. But as I think about it, we haven’t been arguing every day, even as I’ve been short with communication.

The right decision based on what?

Going to the pumpkin patch seems like the right decision for me based on my love of her cousin’s family. The situation with W and I doesn’t change that. They don’t live close, so there aren’t a ton of opportunities to see them, and there will likely be far fewer, if any, for me in the future. D4 (and D6) won’t understand why I’m not there either. It’s been a yearly tradition, and I feel like this year at least, I should be there.

You are way over thinking it. How you act right now has zero effect on her decision.

I think most of what is going through my head the past 2 days can be summed up here. I am way overthinking things. After talking with the L’s about divorce related things and W starting up a convo about them too, then talking to my sister about those conversations, I started overanalyzing things again. There is definitely fear of the future as well. The L’s both had me scared I’ll be living in a 500 sqft box for the next 14 years. I know it won’t be that bad, but it felt that way.

Thanks LH for the reply. Even when I have rambling thoughts, you guys help keep me from veering too far. I appreciate it.

[DW17]

Ready2Change, thanks for the input as well. Seems like you and LH19 are on the same page with your advice. I'll try to re-read the threads when my thoughts start wandering and seek advice for more specific situations when they come up.

To clarify, did she say this (which is how you stated it) or do you think this (Which is what I believe you meant).

Sorry for the confusion, she did not say this. I believe it will only be problematic if we can’t agree on custody or what to do with the house.

[LH19]

D it seems like you know the answers to your own questions. You aren’t ignoring her you are just not giving her the answers she wants so she’s fighting back. The minute you engage you lose. Keep focusing on you and the children.