I messed up this morning and could use a bit of advice.
This morning I was getting ready for work and W commented that I looked nice and asked if I was trying to impress a girl. I smirked and did not respond. She then said that I owe it to her to let her know if I’m talking with anyone because I called her out for texting AP in the car with the kids one day about 6 weeks ago and used his name. I asked how those two things were related (first mistake, should have walked away). She said something about him just being a friend and that she can do whatever she wants. I walked away, was about to leave for work, and couldn’t help but respond.
I walked back and said something along the lines of “you can do whatever you want, but texting your “friend” all day long every day, even while lying next to me in bed, is completely disrespectful.” I also said something about how the one thing I asked of her (when I was in the begging stage) was to let me know if there is anyone else because I couldn’t handle going through her cheating on me again. When she said she wasn’t doing anything wrong, I said something about how I knew she would probably lie about it anyway. It was said while she was in the bathroom so couldn’t walk away from it. She got upset and told me to walk away, which I did. I left for work and then had this text message exchange:
W: You have lost your mind, do not ever come at me like that again. You legit triggered a panic attack and I haven’t done anything wrong! It has been clear that we are still here for the kids and you say one thing one day then come at me like this another day! I literally can’t handle the mental abuse anymore. Pinning me into a corner and demanding information out of me is not the way to go.
Me: I had no intention of triggering a panic attack and I can understand how upsetting that is. I agree that approach was not acceptable.
W: I’m legit crying now before work, thank you.
Me: We do need to talk about a few things whenever you are comfortable with it (At the time I was thinking we need to talk about her leaving the house)
W: Nope, not it’s time to let everyone know who you really are. I owe you zero explanations of my life other than my kids. This is not your house, it is mine as well…the bed, the couches, everything. If you would like I can make things more difficult for our children and go stay with (girl friend who lives 30 minutes away) if that is easier but as far as owing you any explanations of anything in my life other than my children, do not communicate with me. You have just lost me 100% friend and all. Thank you for making me late for work.
I did not respond to this.
Her staying at her friend’s house was something she was planning on doing early on. I was actually happy she brought it up again. She went there one day and then came back because her friend was “too controlling,” This was also during my “begging” stage, so I didn’t want her to go at the time. But since W brought it up again, I think it is the best situation as long as she doesn’t bring D4. It’s too far from her school and doesn’t really make sense logistically. I am already taking care her all day anyway. The only thing I don’t do is take her to school, which I can make work. That seems like the best solution, having W go there.
I feel stupid for cracking. My mind had been getting more frustrated, but my actions haven’t reflected that until today, but it’s been building as noted in previous post. Any advice would be much appreciated.
So you fell off the horse....
Cowboy up, dust yourself off, get back on, and learn from this...
Something to be aware of with that ^^^
Most of the time, when these things happen, later today, she won't even remember this happened and it will be life as normal.
Don't dwell on it, and expect anything one way or another for now. IF she brings it up, own your part in it, yet don't over anal-ize things or over apologize either....
Sounds like she is having to work harder to make you into the monster that SHE needs you to be, to justify her decisions....
Don't be that guy....
She is more than likely projecting her actions onto you....
Biggest thing here is this :
Originally Posted by DW17
I walked away, was about to leave for work, and couldn’t help but respond
Yes you could help it...
You CHOSE to respond....
Own your stuff....and do better next time...
Mistakes are only fatal if you don't learn from them...
No! You could've helped yourself from responding, but you choose not to. Be stronger and more aware next time.
You're right, I could have just left. I stopped, thought about it and turned around. Stupid decision I won't make again.
Originally Posted by "BL42”
You're absolutely right - that is disrespectful. But what are you going to do about it? Complaining about disrespect or broken boundaries with no actions is weak.
I’m starting to notice a theme for myself of not taking any actions. I guess I wasn’t sure what actions I am supposed to be taking here because I was under the impression that I should be ignoring what she is doing.
Originally Posted by "BL42”
You asked her to let you know if she was cheating? This sounds super weak. Stand up for yourself.
Yes, super weak. Not sure why I said this. I was mad and just started saying things. Not my finest moment.
Originally Posted by "BL42”
You better be very careful about these exchanges. She's accusing you in written format about "come at me", "panic attack", "pinning me into a corner"...you wouldn't be the first to get tagged with a BS domestic abuse charge. Don't brush this off. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but you never know. You should consider starting to audio or video record interactions. Learn the laws in your state about recordings. Some are two party consent, others are one party consent.
Those were my thoughts as well as soon as I read her text. I didn’t pin her, touch her, anything. Just stood in the doorway while I was talking. I wasn’t aggressive in any way. I’ll be careful. Hopefully there aren’t any more exchanges like this to worry about.
Originally Posted by "BL42”
Honestly? That sounds ideal. DO NOT MOVE OUT. Let her do the moving. That may be in your best interest at this point.
I agree. I’m not going anywhere. And her leaving actually sounds nice to me. And I agree with you about D4 staying in the home. W did most of the leg work for us being foster parents and working with D4 when we first got her. She took care of most of the phone calls, meetings, physical therapy, home visits, etc. so I’m not sure how that’ll work out, but I bet an L can help me figure that out, hopefully this week.
Originally Posted by "BL42”
I agree with her there - honor her wishes and do not engage with her unless it's about the kids. Also, consult with one or more Ls ASAP.
With all the nonsense she spews there is always a little truth sprinkled in somewhere. And I've reached out to 2 L's that I will be calling back again today.
Originally Posted by "BL42”
She is your W. You don't want her as a friend.
I've told her already that I will not be her friend. It's all or nothing. I'm not sure she believes me or more likely I wasn’t firm enough about it. .
I mean that I will tell her that if she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, I think it’s best that she move in with her friend while we figure out what the next steps are.
Originally Posted by "LH19”
Why do you feel like you're a doormat?
Thinking about this question is helping me see what my flaws right now are. I feel like a doormat because I am living with a woman who is most likely having an affair, whether physical or emotional, and I am at home trying not to upset the apple cart or say anything negative, not sleeping enough, venting to the few people who know what’s going on every chance I get and feeling like I’m being taken advantage of by my W. I’m taking care of everything for my house, pets and kids with no help from her while she is free to do and say anything she wants to.
But that mindset is where my problem lies. It sounds like a weak person who needs to go have some fun and GAL. There were a few reasons (bday party and college prep) that I didn’t do anything this weekend and that likely contributed to me focusing on the wrong things. I will make plans for this weekend before the end of the day.
Originally Posted by "LH19”
How do you think time away will help fix it?
I worded that poorly but I meant that time apart will either makes things better or it won’t and I can’t control that.
Mistakes are only fatal if you don't learn from them...
Yup. There was a moment when I paused and I knew it was the wrong thing to do and I did it anyway. Can’t change it now, just gotta make sure I don’t do it again.
Originally Posted by ”Mach1
Most of the time, when these things happen, later today, she won't even remember this happened and it will be life as normal.
This will be interesting to see, as I’ve noticed that a few times in the past few weeks. When I’m expecting a storm, it’s calm. Not sure if this will be the same. I’ve gotten good at not saying sorry for things anymore. So would your recommendation be that I bring up the topic of W moving in with her friend or just not say anything? W moving feels better for both of us, but I’ve seen debate over whether that pushes the spouse away more easily. I probably shouldn’t even be thinking about things in those terms.
If I can be strong and focus on myself, I shouldn’t have a problem accepting that W will be gone every Saturday night to Sunday morning and be on her phone all day. I already prepare for it weekly anyway, which is why I knew she would try and bail after the bday party. I guess I just got weak because I wasn’t doing anything for myself which caused me to slowly focus more on W’s actions.
[quote="LH19”] I feel like a doormat because I am living with a woman who is most likely having an affair, whether physical or emotional, and I am at home trying not to upset the apple cart or say anything negative, not sleeping enough, venting to the few people who know what’s going on every chance I get and feeling like I’m being taken advantage of by my W. I’m taking care of everything for my house, pets and kids with no help from her while she is free to do and say anything she wants to.
So these are the big questions you have to dig down deep and be honest with yourself about. What do you think will happen if you upset the applecart?
When If I can be am strong and focus on myself, I wont shouldn’t have a problem accepting that W will be gone every Saturday night to Sunday morning and be on her phone all day. I already prepare for it weekly anyway, which is why I knew she would try and bail after the bday party. I guess I just got weak because I wasn’t doing anything for myself which caused me to slowly focus more on W’s actions.
Fixed that ^^^ for ya.....
Originally Posted by DW17
So would your recommendation be that I bring up the topic of W moving in with her friend or just not say anything?
My advice would be to NOT ring any bells that you can't un-ring.....
Same as... stop asking questions that you don't want the answers to....
You are only a doormat IF you feel like one....
For now, who GAF what she is doing....place the focus on cleaning your side of the street....
For now....YOUR 'boundary' is your quicksand....
And until you can decide 100% what that is...
It's either your demise or your success....
You are so focused on what she is doing that you can't see the progress that you've made on yourself....
That's the reason that cars have such a large windshield and a small rear view mirror....
These interactions make me feel like I’m doing something right. It’s only been in the past week or so that I’ve stuck up for myself instead of living in fear of upsetting her. I assume it’ll take W a little time to adjust to that, but it’s nice no longer walking on eggshells in my own home.
You are one of only a handful of newbies that have made the correct changes quickly. Good job. Keep it up.
You are getting great guidance. Re-read your thread and solidify the advice into your new way of behaving.
Do not let fear control you. Trust you gut feelings. She is gaslighting you. Do some research on restraining orders.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Once again, all the veterans here are giving you wonderful advice.
Like usual, LH19 has hit the nail squarely on the head.
DW17 - you are in a toxic, abusive relationship. She is mentally abusing you, but simultaneously painting things as if you are doing it to her.
You need to be really careful validating things in writing.
This brings me to my next point … I think validating is one tool to use in a specific circumstance, but this site seems to just pedal it as a be-all solution to marriage problems.
If someone has ignored their partner, made them feel small, allowed them to build resentment for a long time, and their partner has slowly lose love and feels alone - validating is very important.
For someone who has a wayward, cheating, lying spouse on their hands, validating them is about as useful as t*ts on a bull.
Stop wasting your time trying to validate this woman. It’s not appropriate in your circumstance. She’s a cheat, an emotional manipulator, a liar and expert gaslighter who is taking advantage of a husband who has lost his confidence and lives in fear of losing her.
Now she has a pretty good, documented trail that you abused her that she can use in future proceedings. I think you should consult a lawyer ASAP to draft a response to those messages. She WILL use them if things get messy.
She wants to continue her affair, and she wants to feel good about it being the right thing - hence she constructed this argument and you played perfectly into her hands. Now she can go and show her friends and her AP what you wrote, and they’ll all tell her she’s doing the right thing.
We all fall off the horse sometimes.
I think you really need to ask yourself why you want to be with this woman. Try and take the emotion and fear of being alone out of it … what exactly is your motivation? I’m sorry to be frank, but she comes across as a toxic, manipulative POS to me. You should accept that sometimes, people change, or were never really who you thought they were.
Visit your lawyer first - but I wouldn’t even ask her to move out. I’d just wait until she goes away and move her stuff into storage while she’s gone.
I have banker boxes full of my communication with my X. Here is how I read the Emails/Texts. Things in red are red flags. DO NOT RESPOND. Document the truth. I would be keeping detailed notes on what really happened. It is a PIA, but you can give your journal to your legal team if/when needed to counter her claims. Document every interaction you have with her, and with the children. Times and dates. Key moments. Good and Bad. DO NOT BE ALONE WITH HER.
The things I strike out you ignore. The Bold you think about, agree with, then respond to after a certain amount of "thinking".
Originally Posted by DW17
W: You have lost your mind, do not ever come at me like that again.You legit triggered a panic attack and I haven’t done anything wrong! It has been clear that we are still here for the kids and you say one thing one day then come at me like this another day! I literally can’t handle the mental abuse anymore. Pinning me into a corner and demanding information out of me is not the way to go.
W: Nope, now it’s time to let everyone know who you really are. I owe you zero explanations of my life other than my kids. This is not your house, it is mine as well…the bed, the couches, everything. If you would like I can make things more difficult for our children andgo stay with (girl friend who lives 30 minutes away) if that is easier but as far as owing you any explanations of anything in my life other than my children, do not communicate with me. You have just lost me 100% friend and all. Thank you for making me late for work.
Always get legal advise, but I would respond today with: H:"I have thought about your idea and I agree that it would be best if you go stay with Girlfriend"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
