Heading out surfing with my son and brother in law. Gonna be good to clear my head.
Thumbs up on the surfing with son...not sure about the BIL part. Is that smart?
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am still struggling mightily in my emotions. It is a really tough go for me to be honest. I am trying my best and learning as much as I can.
This is completely normal. You're currently riding a rollercoaster on which there will be ups and downs...the key is you're trending up over time.
Originally Posted by LH19
This is very hard. Maybe the hardest thing you will ever do. Best thing to do is to process these emotions. When you are alone cry, beat your pillow, scream etc. whatever it takes.
Right. Get out all those emotions...just don't let her see them.
Originally Posted by LH19
You are doing great with Gal but it’s very obvious you are looking for clues that she is softening.
LH is very perceptive. I completely agree. You're crushing it with GAL, but stop searching for every little sign of her softening and projecting your hopes onto the situation.
Originally Posted by LH19
Your best chance for reconciliation is to go as far as you can in the opposite direction. The longer that takes the more time it gives her to solidify her position with other male.
You want her to be unsure where she stands with you.
Yep.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Can you give me any more specifics how I can not allow her reassurance of where she stands with me? Should I be explicit with her about this and tell her or simply shift and disengage and detach?
Do not TELL her anything. You can't "convince" her or "logic" her. It has to be genuine. She has to FEEL it. Get into a mindset where you're going to be happy and have an awesome life regardless.
Originally Posted by Rockon
W’s departure is Oct 9th I think.
Have you prepped yourself mentally for that week? It might be (understandably) very difficult. What are your plans? Line up therapy, outings, friends & family in advance. Or...go somewhere yourself!
Last edited by BL42; 10/02/2207:52 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Heading out surfing with my son and brother in law. Gonna be good to clear my head.
Thumbs up on the surfing with son...not sure about the BIL part. Is that smart?
Rockon: yes it’s smart. He invited us to go surfing - I didn’t bring up W in conversation once and neither did either of them. It was a great day with great company.
Originally Posted by LH19
This is very hard. Maybe the hardest thing you will ever do. Best thing to do is to process these emotions. When you are alone cry, beat your pillow, scream etc. whatever it takes.
Right. Get out all those emotions...just don't let her see them
Rockon: I am getting them out and I’m not letting her see.
Originally Posted by LH19
You are doing great with Gal but it’s very obvious you are looking for clues that she is softening.
LH is very perceptive. I completely agree. You're crushing it with GAL, but stop searching for every little sign of her softening and projecting your hopes onto the situation.
Rockon : ok
Originally Posted by LH19
Your best chance for reconciliation is to go as far as you can in the opposite direction. The longer that takes the more time it gives her to solidify her position with other male.
You want her to be unsure where she stands with you.
Yep.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Can you give me any more specifics how I can not allow her reassurance of where she stands with me? Should I be explicit with her about this and tell her or simply shift and disengage and detach?
Do not TELL her anything. You can't "convince" her or "logic" her. It has to be genuine. She has to FEEL it. Get into a mindset where you're going to be happy and have an awesome life regardless.
Rockon: ok thanks I don’t think there’s anything else I need to say that I haven’t already and I will work on that mindset.
Originally Posted by Rockon
W’s departure is Oct 9th I think.
Have you prepped yourself mentally for that week? It might be (understandably) very difficult. What are your plans? Line up therapy, outings, friends & family in advance. Or...go somewhere yourself!
Rockon : I have therapy lined up yes also , friends, family - have been thinking of going somewhere also yes
Headed out of town with my parents for a few days. Great to spend time with them. Going to visit my son as well. W texted me after her therapist appointment and thanked me for supporting her to access it. I hadn’t told her I was heading out of town.
What if I was to tell you Rockon that there is a very good chance that her therapist could tell her is the best and quickest way for her to find happiness is to divorce you? How would that make you feel? That is VERY likely to be the advice she gets because that's what she wants to hear.
Two famous DB says: 1. You didn't break her and you can't fix her. 2. Not your circus not your monkeys
So when I say the best chance of reconciliation is to go in the complete opposite direction do you think getting her a therapist fits that bill?
What if I was to tell you Rockon that there is a very good chance that her therapist could tell her is the best and quickest way for her to find happiness is to divorce you? How would that make you feel? That is VERY likely to be the advice she gets because that's what she wants to hear.
Two famous DB says: 1. You didn't break her and you can't fix her. 2. Not your circus not your monkeys
So when I say the best chance of reconciliation is to go in the complete opposite direction do you think getting her a therapist fits that bill?
Interesting for sure. And perhaps tho it doesn’t seem that way to me. I think that was really happening with the therapist she was seeing but she asked me to help her find a new therapist when she was making shifts. And also she wants both her and I to connect with our former pastor The one who married us years ago and has stood by us.
So when I say the best chance of reconciliation is to go in the complete opposite direction do you think getting her a therapist fits that bill?
Originally Posted by Rockon
I think that was really happening with the therapist she was seeing but she asked me to help her find a new therapist when she was making shifts.
What LH was saying is stop being her crutch; remove that emotional support helping her through the affair. She can find a new therapist for herself if she really wants to. You don't need to do that for her. She needs to feel you're not going to be there to comfort her after she travels off to have an affair.
Originally Posted by Rockon
And also she wants both her and I to connect with our former pastor The one who married us years ago and has stood by us.
If she truly deeply wants you two to meet with the pastor I'd take that as a good sign but let her be the one to make the effort. If you're desperately reaching out to make all these connections and she's not taking the action, it's a lot less meaningful.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Today W called me, showed interest in me and my therapy, asking about my day etc. asking about my time with my parents, my time away in another city (I’m still away and will be celebrating Mom’s 79th birthday tonight!) and visiting Son (young adult with significant mental health challenges and needs).
She proposed an idea, she has been concerned about this Son learning about our separation. She said she is finding an urgency to tell him and that our older son (who is very upset with W about how she is treating me) is upset that we haven’t told the younger son. I validated and expressed my opinion that I don’t have the same sense of urgency to tell him. I did agree that I would ask the siblings not to tell him but to wait for us to make the decision. I did share my perspective that if we decide to tell him, it would be best in my opinion to tell him in person rather than over the phone and to involve his health care team so that he has support to process.
For context, all three other kids are very upset with W and are expressing thoughtful support for me. I have not mentioned any of my concerns about an affair to any of the kids. Oldest daughter said she had a panic attack after W told her. That D texted me, called the oldest S and then called me and we had a very caring convo.
W told me that she is thinking all the time about moving back in with me and would like to pursue MC in her return from her overseas trip. She also proposed that we tell youngest S on her return home as well and that she and I stay together in a hotel to do that (S is in another city). I responded that these were all interesting ideas that I am open to considering and that zi appreciated her bringing them forward.
Please help me with perspectives and considerations.
