Cutting short time together to do things for myself.
What time are you spending together?
WE are collaborating on some project planning on our house (I am initiating the work myself and with some of my skilled friends but she is showing interest and helping on occasion). Also we are working together on co parenting (some complexities with children with significant disabilities; she is engaging much more here lately and she is commiting to IC therapy)
Originally Posted by Rockon
I do notice changes in myself and in the dynamic relating to W.
In what way is the dynamic changing?
SO I have backed off living my life being busy and less available and she is really reaching out a lot and so I’m trying to navigate and be clear on myself and my boundaries and that seems to be having a post it I’ve effect. When she voices to me concerns, isssues and distress, I validate in a detached way (trying to more and more) and ask her what she wants to do about it sometimes or what she needs - if it’s medical I ask if she has talked with her doctor or what she is doing to address it - if it’s work stress I ask her how she can look after herself and if she’s addressed it with her work and IC - if it’s coparenting worries I validate and try to be clear on what is our separate parts and what to collaborate on.
She is starting to discuss future married plans together (she is initiating this: vacation ideas, work, education, church, leisure, dreams together - I am being cautious and cool on this and maintaining my firm boundary without a need to restate it (I have made myself clear) that cheating and infidelity is a no go for rebuilding and reconciling our marriage.
She did voice some suicidal ideation to me and I took her seriously and asked if she was thinking about ending her life. She clarified that she was so completely overwhelmed and distressed but not actually going there nevertheless I gave her a 24/7 Crisis line and also let one of her friends know that I am worried about her stress level.
Honestly? Based on your updates it sounds like you're crushing it right now.
That's some extreme GAL'ing...surfing, hockey, tennis, working out, pub nights, salsa lessons, museums, library, learning to cook more delicious meals with nutritional value church good friendships....etc. Fantastic. Are you sure you have time for it all??? Usually we have to encourage LBSs here to get off the couch...we may need to warn you not to wear yourself down. LOL. That's great though - the more active you are with interesting activities and having fun with other people the better. Way to enjoy life.
You're taking care of yourself by working out, eating healthy, going to therapy....etc.
You seem to be giving W time and space and not pressuring with R talk. The interactions you describe with concerns/issues/distress, medical/health, and work stress all seem good. Continue to listen & empathize not "fix".
Originally Posted by Rockon
Also we are working together on co parenting (some complexities with children with significant disabilities
I didn't realize your children have disabilities. That is a extra area of stress in a married couple, that seems to lead to a more common sitch here.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She is starting to discuss future married plans together (she is initiating this: vacation ideas, work, education, church, leisure, dreams together - I am being cautious and cool on this and maintaining my firm boundary without a need to restate it (I have made myself clear) that cheating and infidelity is a no go for rebuilding and reconciling our marriage.
My $0.02 is to be happy and easy going about it, but non-committal. When she suggest a future vacation..."Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. I'll have to think about that." Be positive and encouraging, but don't commit to anything...and most importantly don't let it raise your expectations and therefore lead to disappointment down the road...detachment.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She did voice some suicidal ideation to me and I took her seriously and asked if she was thinking about ending her life. She clarified that she was so completely overwhelmed and distressed but not actually going there nevertheless I gave her a 24/7 Crisis line and also let one of her friends know that I am worried about her stress level.
Suicide is very serious. The fact she even mentioned it could be a cry for help. I'm no expert, but think you did the right thing to give her the crisis line info and hopefully her IC is helping.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
So I am going to be crystal clear. If she still has a BF and is going on holiday with this loser you should not be her support in anyway shape or form. If she is serious about suicide get her the help she needs because that is way above your pay grade.
This is very hard. Maybe the hardest thing you will ever do. Best thing to do is to process these emotions. When you are alone cry, beat your pillow, scream etc. whatever it takes.
The hardest thing is understand you have zero control of the outcome and can feel your family slipping away. The second hardest thing is understanding that everything you should be doing is counterintuitive than what feels right to you. You can not nice your W back. You absolutely should not be her emotional support system.
You are doing great with Gal but it’s very obvious you are looking for clues that she is softening. Your best chance for reconciliation is to go as far as you can in the opposite direction. The longer that takes the more time it gives her to solidify her position with other male.
You want her to be unsure where she stands with you.
LH: You’re right! This is the hardest thing. I am definitely having big cries alone. And so much of this is very counterintuitive. Sometimes I don’t know if I can keep the course on making the adjustments. It’s devastating.
These boards are really helpful. And so is therapy and especially my one good friend. But I still feel so alone in this. I think that’s the pain of rejection and betrayal. Can you give me any more specifics how I can not allow her reassurance of where she stands with me? Should I be explicit with her about this and tell her or simply shift and disengage and detach?
