I don’t mean to sound like negative Nancy here but it is alarming to me that y’all have a child together, cohabitate, and yet you’ve never had a conversation about expectations. That should’ve occurred on the front end to avoid a lot of what you are dealing with now. You describe a 1950s housewife in your expectations of both your role and hers. You want to be the big strong man and you want her to be the subservient little woman. That’s all well and good IF she’s on the same page. If not, it can create a huge chasm between you. I suggest y’all have that conversation ASAP so that you can start to move forward.
You say you don’t want to go to therapy anymore and that you want to just come here. With all due respect to all of the amazing posters and the stellar advice they give, none of us are licensed counselors and therapists (with a few exceptions). If you choose not to go to therapy, that’s certainly your choice, but I don’t think just relying on an anonymous site where we don’t know the actual full story is the way to go either. Just my opinion……
Definitely a conversation we need to have. I believe in the traditional roles. Obviously she has to be on the same page. Look I went to a couple of therapists and I felt they were not good. Never had advice, they just listened and asked me questions like, how do I feel about that, what do i think? I want some answers, i realize they won't have the answers to everything, but give some advice and direction. I could try other therapists but I really don't. i understand some of you might be therapists, but some of you have given me so much better advice. Maybe down the road I will change my mind, but right now it's not for me. My gf and I go to therapy once a week with her. She seems really good so far, picking up on problems and offering suggestions and advice. My gf and I right now both seem to like her and feel like she can help us.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Mach you want me to answer the question, why do I want to be right? The answer to this question is a deep answer. The short answer, never having a voice growing up. Had to do what my mom said and that was it. Never wanted to hear me. I know I was a kid. It just hurt not to be heard or have no voice. Look, before I get ambushed on this, I know I am older now. Something I should have worked on long ago. But I didn't. I will now, especially since so many of you pointing it out, I will work on this. Honestly i will look to all of you for help. I am not going to a therapist for it. I am tired of going to them and hearing, why do you think that, how does that make you feel? I am going to you for you to tell me. At least here you all tell me straight. Better therapy here than any therapist I have gone to.
I don't want you to answer that question for me...
I want you to answer it for you....
Therapy or not....there are gonna be plenty of "whys" in figuring this out....
How do I talk to myself? Not in a very nice way. I beat myself up. I say things to myself, like once again I am wrong, I'm no good. I am hard on myself. We got yelled at a lot as kids when we were wrong.
Wolf, does coming to this subforum feed your desire to beat yourself up?
You've received constructive criticism here about improving your relationship, but also unconstructive criticism harping on how you dated too soon after marriage and got her pregnant. People who are hard on themselves often seek out, hear, and trust voices that are hard on them, that shame them. If you want to move away from self-flagellation to a stronger Wolfman, consider putting more focus on voices that don't do that, whether here or elsewhere, as you change your own voice.
As for improving your relationship, the next steps are obvious--put regular effort into listening, respecting, and showing love for her. You have a successful gym habit. Like me, you work-out 3-5x/week, and you don't see results every day. Maybe you setup your environment for success (e.g., gym bag in the car). Maybe you log your cardio vs. strength activities to ensure they happen and you're on-track. Maybe you have support like a trainer, gym partner, class, or support group. What do you do to support your gym activities? What will you do to support your listening/respecting/loving activities? I'm assuming salvaging your relationship is at least as important to you as your gym routine and deserves as much care and effort.
Begin writing about your journey to fill her love bank!
Honestly i will look to all of you for help. I am not going to a therapist for it. I am tired of going to them and hearing, why do you think that, how does that make you feel? I am going to you for you to tell me. At least here you all tell me straight. Better therapy here than any therapist I have gone to.
and this is setting yourself up for failure before you even begin. why? because it's not up to us to tell you anything. it's up to you to do the hard work yourself. we can guide you, but that's it. no shortcuts.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I think we have very different expectations in this relationship.
What do you think are her expectations in this relationship and how do they differ from yours?
wrong question.
he needs to focus on his ecxpectations and ask her to do the same exercise - write them out and sit down after a period of serious reflection on the subject and then have the real discussion. anything else is pure speculation and keeps the focus off him doing the hard work.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I don’t mean to sound like negative Nancy here but it is alarming to me that y’all have a child together, cohabitate, and yet you’ve never had a conversation about expectations. That should’ve occurred on the front end to avoid a lot of what you are dealing with now. You describe a 1950s housewife in your expectations of both your role and hers. You want to be the big strong man and you want her to be the subservient little woman. That’s all well and good IF she’s on the same page. If not, it can create a huge chasm between you. I suggest y’all have that conversation ASAP so that you can start to move forward.
You say you don’t want to go to therapy anymore and that you want to just come here. With all due respect to all of the amazing posters and the stellar advice they give, none of us are licensed counselors and therapists (with a few exceptions). If you choose not to go to therapy, that’s certainly your choice, but I don’t think just relying on an anonymous site where we don’t know the actual full story is the way to go either. Just my opinion……
Definitely a conversation we need to have. I believe in the traditional roles. Obviously she has to be on the same page. Look I went to a couple of therapists and I felt they were not good. Never had advice, they just listened and asked me questions like, how do I feel about that, what do i think? I want some answers, i realize they won't have the answers to everything, but give some advice and direction. I could try other therapists but I really don't. i understand some of you might be therapists, but some of you have given me so much better advice. Maybe down the road I will change my mind, but right now it's not for me. My gf and I go to therapy once a week with her. She seems really good so far, picking up on problems and offering suggestions and advice. My gf and I right now both seem to like her and feel like she can help us.
the point off therapy is for you to come up with your own answers, not the therapist's.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
So you are saying you want someone to tell you exactly what to do? That’s definitely not a therapists job. Their job is to guide you into self reflection to figure out why you what you do and how to figure out for yourself how to make better choices.
It seems as if you and your baby momma don’t communicate at all. You view a relationship ship to be a “traditional “ role, which is honestly kind of antiquated ( but each his own) and you have no clue if she view it that way herself.
It seems as if you guys never communicate and just assume. You are in a serious relationship now with a baby. Yet you don’t talk to eachother and communicate. Ot seems as if you only communicate so she can hear you being right.
Use your counseling time to talk to eachother about relationships goals and values and how you can compromise
Wolf, although I've left this forum, I wanted to offer you some parting thoughts
Sigh.... Someday someone is going to actually mean it when they say these words.
Originally Posted by Traveler
You've received constructive criticism here about improving your relationship, but also unconstructive criticism harping on how you dated too soon after marriage and got her pregnant.
So as Don pointed out a lot of newbies start reading surviving the D forum while going through their divorce. So this is a good place to see what happens when you don't put in the work or follow the "rules". We had this poster who will remain nameless who started dating his/her friend jumped right into the ILUs. So we "harped" on how you shouldn't date your friends and to take it slow with the ILUs until you find out if your really compatible. He dumped her because he/she didn't like how he/she ate hotdogs or something I can't quite remember. Anyhoo we thought he/she learned his/her lesson but than started dating a friend and jumped into the ILUs and then dumped he/her when she couldn't pay her vacation bill.
Sooooo this is why we "harp" on things so at least when the poster doesn't take the advice/2x4s etc. Readers might.
So you are saying you want someone to tell you exactly what to do? That’s definitely not a therapists job. Their job is to guide you into self reflection to figure out why you what you do and how to figure out for yourself how to make better choices.
While this is certainly true, it’s only one of many approaches. To some therapists it really doesn’t matter WHY you do something but how to change, correct, or fix it. It’s in a way like cancer - it’s doesn’t matter as much why or how you got cancer but how to treat and hopefully cure it.
In todays psychobabble world there are great therapists and terrible ones. MWD talks about this in her books - finding the right counselor. Some are more like divorce counselors. Others try to save the marriage and show couples how to do that. Likewise with individual therapy there are many types:
Psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapies Behavior Therapy Cognitive therapy Humanistic therapy Integrative or holistic therapy
I agree that a good therapist will not tell the patient what to do, but they will guide or direct them towards healthy, productive behaviors. Sometimes it helps to understand why one does what he or she does. But understanding alone often won’t change it. That takes action on the patients part. Simply telling your story only to have the therapist ask you, “and how does that make you feel?” Is often not enough.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
