Rockon, please watch out for the old trap so many LBSs have fallen into: finding excuses to not adhere to good DBing strategies.
I'd challenge that this discussion was necessary. LBSs tend to put emphasis on things that don't need emphasis. But for sake of argument let's assume it was and that you aren't talking yourself into the importance of it. The right play would have been too decline her invitation in the name of being busy..... Then going out and being busy!
Most LBSs interact with their WAS/WS more than they should. Interacting with her is a cheeseless tunnel. It is like a hit of drugs. Short term good feeling and then the withdrawal symptoms come back worse than before. Not taking that hit is there quickest way through the withdrawals.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Found out today from W that she will be traveling to have a holiday next month with OM. She did not admit to the OM / affair part and says she is not ready to talk about that. I did tell her that she is an adult and responsible for her own choices and that I don’t control her. However I made it clear that it matters to me and that I am not ok with her cheating or having an affair.
The conversation was stressful for her but not so bad for me and I believe that I expressed myself clearly respectfully and authentically. I also told her that I am asking her to stop any stairs/cheating out of respect for the LORD and for me and our marriage. She heard me.
Now detaching. I am in the mountains with a good friend.
Found out today from W that she will be traveling to have a holiday next month with OM.
That's tough man, sorry. That sinking feeling in your gut knowing your spouse is going off to cheat, and you simply can't do anything to stop her. Does OM live far away? It's extremely difficult, but really all you can do is accept the situation and detach and try to focus on enjoying your own life.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She did not admit to the OM / affair part and says she is not ready to talk about that.
There have been stories on here where the LBS catches the WS red-handed and the WS still denies. It's likely they'll lie and deny - or at least not admit the full extent - until the end of time.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I did tell her that she is an adult and responsible for her own choices and that I don’t control her. However I made it clear that it matters to me and that I am not ok with her cheating or having an affair.
It's good you kept your cool. However, I get the sense it's still way too much talking. Myself and others on her have recommend you NOT be available for dinners, or stop ins, or conversations. Remember...make yourself less available, and actions over words!
What if any actions are you planning to take while she's visiting OM or when she returns?
Originally Posted by Rockon
The conversation was stressful for her but not so bad for me
Glad you handled it calmly and didn't get worked up, but remember...a goal of DB'ing is no R talks and no pressure. You're not trying to stress her out.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I believe that I expressed myself clearly respectfully and authentically. I also told her that I am asking her to stop any stairs/cheating out of respect for the LORD and for me and our marriage. She heard me.
This seems like pressure to me. You've said your peace, now nothing more to say going forward.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Now detaching. I am in the mountains with a good friend.
Awesome! Great that you're going out and doing things with friends - the GAL will help keep your mind off things and detach.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Oh boy shaming here with the LORD. Pulling out the big guns. So if you are not willing to do anything about the affair it’s best to never bring it up. I would go completely dark if I were you.
Last night W invited me over to have dinner with her and her mom and I accepted. It was quite lovely.
Originally Posted by Rockon
When she invited me to come for dinner, I excepted and Anticipated a pleasant time together which happened. I excused myself before I stayed too long saying that I had to get to an engagement
I want to tell you a story about my own situation...
This was after BD and during what you'd call IHS, during which I knew she was in an EA & PA with a married coworker and sleeping on an air mattress in our guest room and I was at home putting our then-S4 and D1 to bed and getting them up in the morning while she "worked late" and "went in early". I was in IC using it as a guidance to win her back and consuming online resources about affairs...etc. I didn't find this site and start posting until she moved out. Anyway...
My then-W would invite my parents over for Sunday dinners. Make this big roast and mashed potatoes and a wonderful meal and we'd all sit around and eat and talk like we'd always have. I knew based on my snooping she was telling her AP she had to do it to pretend and not "blow up his spot" (i.e., their work and his wife finding out) and tell her friends she was doing it to "keep the peace". And my parents knew what was up, so me and my parents were putting on a show and pretending as well, in hopes she would see the normalcy of Sunday dinner and want keep the family together. On its face it was a wonderful end of weekend event with a married couple, young kids, and grandparents...something so many people across the country do on a regular basis. However, that was a façade and we were all being fake and looking back I think how messed up was it of me and my parents to play around in this charade? I wish now I had told her "No thanks, I'm going to the gym".
Now, that was my experience and it doesn't necessarily mean that's your situation - I don't know what your W's intentions were for that dinner. Maybe she was trying to "keep the peace" or not "blow up anyone's spot" or maybe she was playing nice to soften you up for something OR maybe she just really is confused and wanted to be genuinely nice. BUT, don't be surprised if underneath her offer was some real anger and resentment towards you she was covering up - it's very possible.
The point is...don't get caught up in playing a game with her. She may have made dinner but she's also going on holiday with OM. You need to start acting stronger! Stand up for yourself. DO NOT be an option for your W when you're her backup. Make yourself less available, go dark. Make sure she knows (by your actions, not your words) she's losing you. Instead of giving her comfort of being there for her just in case she changes her mind, you want to pull the rug out from under her and upset her stability of having you on the back burner.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Found out today from W that she will be traveling to have a holiday next month with OM.
That's tough man, sorry. That sinking feeling in your gut knowing your spouse is going off to cheat, and you simply can't do anything to stop her. Does OM live far away? It's extremely difficult, but really all you can do is accept the situation and detach and try to focus on enjoying your own life.
YES OM she will be travelling with lives out of country, though it seems she may also be having an EA with a local OM. Trying to detach yes and focus on what I need to do. Working on it but it’s hard.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She did not admit to the OM / affair part and says she is not ready to talk about that.
There have been stories on here where the LBS catches the WS red-handed and the WS still denies. It's likely they'll lie and deny - or at least not admit the full extent - until the end of time.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I did tell her that she is an adult and responsible for her own choices and that I don’t control her. However I made it clear that it matters to me and that I am not ok with her cheating or having an affair.
It's good you kept your cool. However, I get the sense it's still way too much talking. Myself and others on her have recommend you NOT be available for dinners, or stop ins, or conversations. Remember...make yourself less available, and actions over words!
YES working on that.
What if any actions are you planning to take while she's visiting OM or when she returns?
I have scheduled an IC session the first week she is away. I plan to really enjoy my life during that time. I don’t want to drive her to the airport but am considering picking her up on return if she asks - not sure. Also I will be planning D birthday party with D. Im learning about LRT from DR as well. Other that that, I’m don’t know what actions to take- open to suggestions.
Originally Posted by Rockon
The conversation was stressful for her but not so bad for me
Glad you handled it calmly and didn't get worked up, but remember...a goal of DB'ing is no R talks and no pressure. You're not trying to stress her out.
RIGHT ok. It’s true - not trying to stress her out but I recognize and she is telling me she is very stressed.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I believe that I expressed myself clearly respectfully and authentically. I also told her that I am asking her to stop any stairs/cheating out of respect for the LORD and for me and our marriage. She heard me.
This seems like pressure to me. You've said your peace, now nothing more to say going forward.
YES ok
Originally Posted by Rockon
Now detaching. I am in the mountains with a good friend.
Awesome! Great that you're going out and doing things with friends - the GAL will help keep your mind off things and detach.
Oh boy shaming here with the LORD. Pulling out the big guns. So if you are not willing to do anything about the affair it’s best to never bring it up. I would go completely dark if I were you.
LH: when you mention willingness to do anything about the affair, what are you referring to - going dark? And what does that mean going dark?
I have told my best friend about the affair (the one I am in the mountains with - solid man), but I haven’t told our kids or others. She has moved out I am working on detaching and GAL and looking after myself and the kind of life I want.
“Now, that was my experience and it doesn't necessarily mean that's your situation - I don't know what your W's intentions were for that dinner. Maybe she was trying to "keep the peace" or not "blow up anyone's spot" or maybe she was playing nice to soften you up for something OR maybe she just really is confused and wanted to be genuinely nice. BUT, don't be surprised if underneath her offer was some real anger and resentment towards you she was covering up - it's very possible.
The point is...don't get caught up in playing a game with her. She may have made dinner but she's also going on holiday with OM. You need to start acting stronger! Stand up for yourself. DO NOT be an option for your W when you're her backup. Make yourself less available, go dark. Make sure she knows (by your actions, not your words) she's losing you. Instead of giving her comfort of being there for her just in case she changes her mind, you want to pull the rug out from under her and upset her stability of having you on the back burner”
YES thanks for that. And I recognize underlying hurts, anger and resentment. Time to be strong in my actions and let them speak my stance .
