She is struggling big time. She might appear to hate you, but underneath she’s respecting you for being a man. She’s angry because she’s uncomfortable.
Now all you have to is stick at it for months, perhaps years before she wakes up - and also stick with it, in the knowledge that she may still leave even if you DB like a boss.
It‘s a marathon, not a sprint. Can you ignore her baiting and tantrums for months/years? As soon as you bite, she wins.
Now forget about her, and go do something for yourself. Gym, bike ride, hike, work on your car, go out with friends, go on a tour…. The world’s your oyster!
Thanks for the positive feedback. It's nice having confirmation that I'm on the right track.
Kind18 - I'm getting a lot better at ignoring the baiting, but I know a good week or two doesn't mean I'm good to go. I haven't responded to her baiting this whole time, but I allowed it to eat at me all day, even though I was painting a smile on my face around her. That is not something I can live with each day.
SteveLW - I do have a tendency to say sorry a lot. I know you've mentioned not apologizing a few times now. It's a habit I gotta break, and I'll keep at it! I say "I understand your frustration" or "I understand how you feel" a lot and get negative feedback from it. W responds with "You'll never understand how I feel" or "If you understood you'd realize it's your fault I feel this way." She's not entirely wrong, but I'll just keep validating and trying to make sure she knows I actually do care when I'm responding to her.
MLC/WAS is about control... ^^^^ they kinda nailed it up there....
Since I'm about the theory of WAS/MLC... I want you to see the 'why' of DBing...
The more in control that you allow them to be, the more that they will take....
The more in control that YOU are, the more that they will spew and attempt to push buttons on you so that you can be the person that they want to leave.
You being happy, and taking back your life is NOT the person that she has described to her friends and anyone willing to listen to her BS.
IF you respond to her pushing your buttons, and you anger, and sulk...
You are essentially becoming the person that she has painted you to be. And you justify her reasons to leave the marriage...
Remove those buttons, and there will be worse days ahead like this. Yet fear not, every time something like this happens, it means you are doing a better job DBing....
It's kind of like a child throwing a tantrum because you wouldn't buy them candy.....you wouldn't give in because they aren't getting their way...
Same principal here....
I've often used an analogy of the Space Shuttle....
The booster tanks that hold fuel during take-off, because of the amount burned during that process. And once the Shuttle is in it's flight pattern, they will fall away....
Same thing now. Her anger is the booster tanks. She has anger to fuel her "takeoff", and she plans to use it to lift off away from you. She will use it to paint you as this incredible monster that stole her life away from her. It's HER truth, not necessarily yours....yet it is extremely important to validate her feelings, even if it's not your truth.
However, once you establish your flight path, you will slowly see the anger fall away.
She is going to try every trick in the book too, to spin you out .....
Remove those buttons (typically it involves the kiddos)....
Recognize it for what it is, while you are in the moment, and you will fare better than worse....
Pretty sure you've seen her flip the 'bithc switch" already. Going from rational to childlike in a split second....
If not ??
This has been a preview for your future viewing pleasure....
Haven't gotten a chance to read & comment on your thread until now, but wanted to lend my support.
As SteveLW & Kind18 said, you asking to hold off on MC until after your business was absolutely not the issue. Anyone who can't wait a few weeks after two decades is not committed to working on things regardless. So don't beat yourself up over a reasonable logistic request.
Originally Posted by Kind18
It’s really important to know that whatever you do, you’re in the wrong. You could be the best husband, person and father in the world - and she would still blame you for everything.
Beg - she’ll tell you you’re weak. Walk away - she’ll tell everyone you didn’t try. Agree with her on everything, you’re just trying to trick her into coming back. Disagree with her on everything, and you’re an [censored] and that is why she has to leave.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, YOU ARE WRONG, SHE IS RIGHT AND SHE WILL SEEK VALIDATION FROM EVERYONE THAT THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You have to learn to be okay with that.
^^^THIS!!!
Originally Posted by DW17
Originally Posted by LH19
Second, for various reasons I want to split up our bank accounts. We honestly should have done this years ago
First off I would speak to a lawyer regarding protecting yourself from major purposes. Secondly I would split the bills based on a percentage of money made.
Originally Posted by DW17
I plan on speaking to a lawyer in a few weeks once our schedules cool off a bit. Work and home are pretty busy, but I will definitely reach out to schedule an appt.
Don't wait on the lawyer. Do it NOW. Like tomorrow. Or at least this week. Depends on your jurisdiction, but there's a good chance it doesn't matter how you section off the finances if you're still married and don't have a separation agreement...it's marital money. If you're concerned about finances and her blowing money on new clothes, make up, nail appointments, personal trainers...etc. to impress OM. Protect yourself!
Originally Posted by DW17
At one point she even said "Too bad you don't realize you're getting custody papers soon and only getting 2 days a week."
Originally Posted by DW17
told me to stay away from her kids and said she'd take me for everything I have
LOL! What a quote. Idol, powerless threats she's making! She WILL NOT get the kids for 5 of 7 days a week, and she WILL NOT take all of your money. There's her BS, and then there's the law. This is why you should consult a lawyer...when she makes these ridiculous claims you'll know where you really stand and it'll empower you.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Not responding to the “you’ll get two days custody” is what you must do. Just walk out with an aloof smile on your face. Never, EVER take her bait.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Wow. I’m gobsmacked. You absolutely nailed it.
I agree with Kind18...cool, confident, wry smile...you're the one who has the knowledge and it's powerful. You did well on the response to custody and financial threats, and you stood strong on the marital bed. Way to have a backbone! Way to stand up for yourself!
Originally Posted by DW17
W has a bunch of childhood trauma
Can you be more specific about your W's trauma?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
BL42, thank you for your input as well. The support here is awesome.
W had most kinds of childhood trauma you can imagine. Alcoholic/drug addict parents, dad in and out of jail, kept getting sent to foster homes where she was molested, raped/molested by an uncle (who recently went to jail for murder a few weeks before W gave me BD), dad committed suicide, moved in with different aunt/uncle, with her brother. They raised her and she calls them mom/dad, had a bunch of kids in the house, brother got kicked out of the house due to being a difficult child and sent to live hours away, molested by sibling in her new home, kicked out of this home and sent hours away last year of high school, then moved in with me. She is not in contact with bio mom and talks to brother a couple times a year. Sibling who molested lives across the country. The remaining family she associates with are all good people.
So yeah, a lot going on there and it's horrible. I knew most of this early on, but didn't comprehend the amount of pain this would cause her and what exactly I needed to do to help. W went to therapy as a kid, but never while we've been together. W always just blocked it out and said she was fine. As someone who has done the same thing with events from my past (alcoholic mom and my W's PA), I know that you can't just ignore these things.
W had most kinds of childhood trauma you can imagine. Alcoholic/drug addict parents, dad in and out of jail, kept getting sent to foster homes where she was molested, raped/molested by an uncle (who recently went to jail for murder a few weeks before W gave me BD), dad committed suicide, moved in with different aunt/uncle, with her brother. They raised her and she calls them mom/dad, had a bunch of kids in the house, brother got kicked out of the house due to being a difficult child and sent to live hours away, molested by sibling in her new home, kicked out of this home and sent hours away last year of high school, then moved in with me. She is not in contact with bio mom and talks to brother a couple times a year. Sibling who molested lives across the country. The remaining family she associates with are all good people.
Wow DW17, that's a lot. If anything - and I know it's tough when dealing with the betrayal of a spouse's affair - try to work on empathy towards your W. Doesn't mean you excuse her actions and allow yourself to be disrespected, but give yourself some compassion in knowing there's a very real possibility this has less to do with you than it does your W. Often times people with trauma think they're over it and strive to do better but deep down it's been modeled and it can be so difficult to escape the past. But know that a person's poor behavior is a reflection on them, not you. It's understandable to get caught up in the hurt and anger of the betrayal or blame yourself for it all, but forgive yourself your mistakes and take comfort in the knowledge a very big part of this may not be about you at all.
Originally Posted by DW17
So yeah, a lot going on there and it's horrible. I knew most of this early on, but didn't comprehend the amount of pain this would cause her and what exactly I needed to do to help. W went to therapy as a kid, but never while we've been together. W always just blocked it out and said she was fine. As someone who has done the same thing with events from my past (alcoholic mom and my W's PA), I know that you can't just ignore these things.
It's not unusual to look past the issues of people you fall for, but good you recognize it now and won't sweep them under the rug in the future. These things are very difficult and require a lot of work and dedication. Hopefully you stick with IC and W commits to IC for herself as well, regardless of what happens with you marriage.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
An update after setting a boundary with the bed. I was fully expecting W to be in a bad mood after sleeping on the couch. Everything was "fine" the next day. This roller coaster is hard to wrap my head around but I'll just keep riding it I guess.
W went out with a girl friend for their weekly close out the bar night. Before leaving she asked my opinion of her clothes. I told her that she should wear what she wants and it's her opinion that matters, not mine. She wears a lot of black now, which is weird and different, but oh well. She got upset that I "changed" again and it's not fair that I can't decide whether to ignore her or be nice to her. Context - few weeks back I tried detaching instead of being Mr. Nice Guy and it only lasted a few days. W got mad, just like the past few days, and the fear of her getting mad caused me to revert back to being nice. I realize the mistake and don't intend to revert again. W stayed the night at her friends house. To avoid driving home drunk, she stays at one of 2 friends houses and drives home in the morning. The last few weekends she's gone out, she has made it a point to let me know where she is or what her plans are. Last night she sent a pic of them before letting me know she'll be home in the morning. I did not reply.
Her sending me updates is new the past few weeks, and I think it is a result of a huge mistake I made. A few weeks ago W told me she was staying at a friends house. The paranoia of knowing she may be in a PA go to me. That is my boundary for D, and although I knew I shouldn't, I felt like I had to know if she was being honest. I had to go to a store in the morning near her friends house, so I drove by the house. My wife was walking down the street on the phone as I drove by, noticed me, and I had to stop to explain. I told her I was making sure she was where she said she was because each time she went out I couldn't sleep due to anxiety and paranoia of thinking she was having an A. She didn't react with too much anger, but called me a stalker and still mentions it occasionally. The paranoia was something I had dealt with every weekend, and I was improving, but had a weak moment and made a mistake. It was right after I decided that a PA was my boundary, so I felt I had to know for sure. Fortunately, the paranoia has been gone since then and I've accepted that I can't control my wife's whereabouts. I got no resolution on whether she's in a PA and now I'm a stalker so, yeah, wouldn't recommend doing that.
As far as the text updates, I know that it's entirely possible W is just sending me pics with her girl friend from earlier in the night and going to another house. I know that she may be meeting with AP at other times. I will not trust anything W says and I've been proceeding as I've seen here by assuming the worst. The hard part is having a PA as a boundary, yet having no realistic way to find out without making things worse. Current plan is to just wait things out. If I find out, I find out. It's not worth the daily stress while I'm working on other things. But I am curious, how have others in this situation dealt with the desire to know about a PA while IHS and not being able to ask/check on W's truthfulness? Just ignore it and learn to be comfortable with the unknown? I know people have mentioned hiring investigators - I don't plan on doing that. And I don't intend to spy again.
Oh and BL42 - Thanks for the advice on speaking to a lawyer ASAP. I will get on that. It probably should happen before I set a plan for splitting finances. It's a crazy week at work prepping for a possible promotion, D17's birthday party at our house, soccer games, soccer practices, etc, but if I can get out of work for a few hours one day, you're right that I should do it.
DW my suggestion to you is that if a PA is a boundary you have that is real and you are ready to enforce than you should explore all avenues to confirm.
If you find out and do not enforce the boundary than you are better of not knowing and just continue with your 180s.
