Sorry you’re here. There’s been thousands before you, and there will be thousands after you.
It won’t be okay today… or tomorrow… or next month. But one day, it will all be okay.
I’ll add some more when I’m not working, yet just wanted to make a quick comment around the “your next wife can thank me” and the comments about how you threw it away by not agreeing to marriage counselling before your trip away.
It’s all BS. If you’d gone to MC then, she would have used it to start separation. Or she would have said “I can’t believe you thought we could fix your problems in our marriage in two weeks, you don’t care about me.”
It’s really important to know that whatever you do, you’re in the wrong. You could be the best husband, person and father in the world - and she would still blame you for everything.
Beg - she’ll tell you you’re weak. Walk away - she’ll tell everyone you didn’t try. Agree with her on everything, you’re just trying to trick her into coming back. Disagree with her on everything, and you’re an [censored] and that is why she has to leave.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, YOU ARE WRONG, SHE IS RIGHT AND SHE WILL SEEK VALIDATION FROM EVERYONE THAT THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You have to learn to be okay with that.
Learn to disconnect. Follow DB principles. Accept she’s going to be angry sometimes. And do not disappear down the tunnel where you are terrified of every interaction like each word you say could be the final nail in the coffin. It’s not like that, and probably no matter what you do, she’s going to do what she’s going to do. Don’t live or interact or respond through fear.
Best of luck. Stop worrying about her, and start worrying about you.
As Steve said, best thing you can do is walk the other way happily. If she realises what she’s throwing away she might come around, and if she doesn’t … you’re already a long way down the road to starting your new life.
I’d think seriously about kicking her out of your bedroom. No sex! If she doesn’t want to be your husband, she can sleep on the couch IMHO. “I’m hearing that you don’t want me as your husband. I’m respecting your wishes. It’s best you sleep on the couch from now on.” And then leave the house before she starts an argument.
Thank you all for the responses, it's much appreciated. I do have a few more things I've been thinking about that I'm curious how to handle.
First, my wedding ring. I have not been wearing my ring for over a month because it was a daily reminder of W and everything that was wrong at the time. Taking it off helped me stop thinking of her as my W, which helped with daily anxiety and stress. W hasn't had her ring in years because she lost it and we just never got around to replacing it (I know, I'm an idiot). At the time, I was hesitant to commit to buying her a new one because she would jokingly mention getting a D at times, or mention it during arguments. That, coupled with the previous PA gave me pause. So my question is, do most people going through this keep wearing it, or not? And since I'm not wearing it, I assume it'd be ill advised to start again. I've only had a few people ask why I'm not wearing it, but it's always an awkward conversation that makes me wish I was just wearing it still. Very few people are aware of our situation.
Second, for various reasons I want to split up our bank accounts. We honestly should have done this years ago, but I’m curious about how other people have handled finances while living with IHS. The way we’ve typically handled finances is that I would pay all of the bills from my checks and hers went toward everything else. This obviously doesn’t work in our current situation, especially with her renewed focus on hair, nails, clothing, makeup, etc. I’ve been ignoring the money situation while handling everything else, but W has been blowing money for about 3 months now and it feels like the appropriate time to address it. D17 has a birthday next weekend we’re prepping for, but after that I intend to talk to W about splitting finances. My plan is to each have separate accounts and pay our fair share of the bills (she makes quite a bit less money than me) and split costs for groceries/kid stuff/etc. Any thoughts on how I should handle this?
First, my wedding ring. I have not been wearing my ring for over a month because it was a daily reminder of W and everything that was wrong at the time. Taking it off helped me stop thinking of her as my W, which helped with daily anxiety and stress. W hasn't had her ring in years because she lost it and we just never got around to replacing it (I know, I'm an idiot). At the time, I was hesitant to commit to buying her a new one because she would jokingly mention getting a D at times, or mention it during arguments. That, coupled with the previous PA gave me pause. So my question is, do most people going through this keep wearing it, or not? And since I'm not wearing it, I assume it'd be ill advised to start again. I've only had a few people ask why I'm not wearing it, but it's always an awkward conversation that makes me wish I was just wearing it still. Very few people are aware of our situation.
DW she wasn't likely joking at the time she has been likely thinking about this for many years. As for the ring my question is what does the ring mean to you?
Originally Posted by DW17
Second, for various reasons I want to split up our bank accounts. We honestly should have done this years ago, but I’m curious about how other people have handled finances while living with IHS. The way we’ve typically handled finances is that I would pay all of the bills from my checks and hers went toward everything else. This obviously doesn’t work in our current situation, especially with her renewed focus on hair, nails, clothing, makeup, etc. I’ve been ignoring the money situation while handling everything else, but W has been blowing money for about 3 months now and it feels like the appropriate time to address it. D17 has a birthday next weekend we’re prepping for, but after that I intend to talk to W about splitting finances. My plan is to each have separate accounts and pay our fair share of the bills (she makes quite a bit less money than me) and split costs for groceries/kid stuff/etc. Any thoughts on how I should handle this?
First off I would speak to a lawyer regarding protecting yourself from major purposes. Secondly I would split the bills based on a percentage of money made.
Thank you all for the responses, it's much appreciated. I do have a few more things I've been thinking about that I'm curious how to handle.
First, my wedding ring. I have not been wearing my ring for over a month because it was a daily reminder of W and everything that was wrong at the time. Taking it off helped me stop thinking of her as my W, which helped with daily anxiety and stress. W hasn't had her ring in years because she lost it and we just never got around to replacing it (I know, I'm an idiot). At the time, I was hesitant to commit to buying her a new one because she would jokingly mention getting a D at times, or mention it during arguments. That, coupled with the previous PA gave me pause. So my question is, do most people going through this keep wearing it, or not? And since I'm not wearing it, I assume it'd be ill advised to start again. I've only had a few people ask why I'm not wearing it, but it's always an awkward conversation that makes me wish I was just wearing it still. Very few people are aware of our situation.
This has been the single most debated thing ever on these forums : )
For me it was simple....
When I felt married regardless of what she was doing, I wore it....
It is entirely up to you what you do...
Some will say it is pressure and guilt towards the WAS...
There is no correct answer other than do what you feel you want to do....
Originally Posted by DW17
Second, for various reasons I want to split up our bank accounts. We honestly should have done this years ago, but I’m curious about how other people have handled finances while living with IHS. The way we’ve typically handled finances is that I would pay all of the bills from my checks and hers went toward everything else. This obviously doesn’t work in our current situation, especially with her renewed focus on hair, nails, clothing, makeup, etc. I’ve been ignoring the money situation while handling everything else, but W has been blowing money for about 3 months now and it feels like the appropriate time to address it. D17 has a birthday next weekend we’re prepping for, but after that I intend to talk to W about splitting finances. My plan is to each have separate accounts and pay our fair share of the bills (she makes quite a bit less money than me) and split costs for groceries/kid stuff/etc. Any thoughts on how I should handle this?
I would recommend that you do this, yet you are going to have to be more cognizant about how you do it....
Your words are gonna have to be the right way when you do it....
Something along the lines of...
Wife, considering the current situation that we are facing, I've decided it is best to rethink our financial situation.
And then lay out a plan to work toward that.
Whatever percentage you see fit to adapt to that.
It is going to be hard because the pattern is set. Most in a WA state of mind don't really care about anything that holds the accountable, especially financially.
Stay away from the words "I", and "you". They tend to hold statements that harbor a lot of guilt.
Guilt is fine, as long as you aren't the one facilitating it.
It's a razor's edge....just be sure that whatever you do, it is firm, unyielding, and absolute....
DW she wasn't likely joking at the time she has been likely thinking about this for many years. As for the ring my question is what does the ring mean to you?
My ring symbolizes the fact that I am committed to my marriage and have no intent at this time to move on from it. Removing it helped me with attachment issues at the time that I no longer believe are an issue. I think wearing it again may indicate to my W that I am still attached, which I suppose runs counter to DB principles. Thinking through it now, I suppose since I took it off, I should keep it off. Losing weight and not wearing a ring usually only means one thing, which a few people have keyed in on already, but I’ll just let it play out I guess.
Originally Posted by LH19
First off I would speak to a lawyer regarding protecting yourself from major purposes. Secondly I would split the bills based on a percentage of money made.
I plan on speaking to a lawyer in a few weeks once our schedules cool off a bit. Work and home are pretty busy, but I will definitely reach out to schedule an appt. I’m not super concerned about big purchases, but the nickel and diming of unnecessary things while our credit card debt has slowly increased has been a bit frustrating. I wish I had been more vocal about it 3 months ago, but the advice I got at the time was to ignore money issues because it would have led to unnecessary arguments. Right now feels like the right time to address it. And I agree with the % of money made split. That’s what I’ll shoot for.
Mach1, thanks for the input. I'll spend the next week ironing out specifics and how to frame the convo so it is productive and guilt-free and make sure it is a plan that I won't waver from. I'm actually looking forward to relieving some of the financial responsibility I've been carrying all these years that always seemed to go unrecognized.
I think wearing it again may indicate to my W that I am still attached, which I suppose runs counter to DB principles.
Oh trust me a WW can sniff attachment like a bloodhound. She knows your attached so wear the ring for you if you so wish. When you detach and take the focus off her she will know it and at that point she may start to rethink how she feels about you.
A situation just came up that I'm curious if I handled correctly. W has known that I've had plans to pick up D4 and our previous foster daughter (I'll just call her D6 from now on) from school today and take them to the park. W was also aware that I am going to D17's BF's football game tonight. She keeps asking who I'm going with and why, but I have been vague, stating "I'm not exactly sure." Anyway, on the way to the park W sent me a text asking if we should skip the park and get Halloween costumes and go to the beach (about 40 min away) for the sunset. I ignored the text so she called right when we got to the park saying those were the plans. She also got mad about my poor communication. I said I'd be willing to do the costumes and assumed she remembered I was going to the game. When we got home, she said we'd go to the beach first, then get costumes after, or tomorrow. I reminded her that I was going to the FB game and she got upset saying I wasn't going to get to spend time with the kids and questioning why I was going to the game again. At one point she even said "Too bad you don't realize you're getting custody papers soon and only getting 2 days a week." I'm certain she's done nothing to legally push for anything, so I'll assume she's just venting. Anyway, I stood my ground and said I'd be willing to go get Halloween costumes, but I already had plans later. She basically stormed out of the house with the kids, trying to make me feel guilty or feel like a bad dad, despite the fact that I have spent so much time with the kids the past 2 months that their closeness with me makes W say that I'm "stealing" them from her. I didn't really validate her anger, I responded calmly and tried to just not say much. Was this the correct way to handle it? She knew my plans all week and tried changing them last minute. I'm not sure if she is just trying to get me to not go to the game or she just wanted to go to the beach but didn't want to drive, or didn't want to actually watch the kids at the beach, but wanted to go. These are all common for her and it's likely all of the above. It's weird for me to not change my plans in order to spend time with the kids or W. I'd honestly have rather gone to the beach, but that seems counter to what I've been learning and these types of situations come up often enough that I know I'll need a good game plan to handle them.
Yep. You couldn’t have done better. Not your circus - not your monkey.
We told you this would happen. She wants to be pulling the puppet strings, and you’re not playing by her rules - so she’s going to try throwing her toys out the pram, and threats to get what she wants. It’s what has worked for her in the past, of course she’s going to try again!
Not responding to the “you’ll get two days custody” is what you must do. Just walk out with an aloof smile on your face. Never, EVER take her bait.
Originally Posted by DW17
It's weird for me to not change my plans in order to spend time with the kids or W.
It’s weird because you’re not used to it, not because it’s wrong. If my partner asks me to go to the beach and I don’t want to, I say no, and she says okay. That’s how adult relationships work. It seems you previously had a really unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship.
Kind18 - I agree that we had an unhealthy power dynamic that lacked respect from each of us. It’s something my sister has mentioned to me as well.
A little update to the situation yesterday - I got home from the football game and W was in laying in the middle of our king size bed with the two little ones on either side. D4 asked if I could put her in her own bed so I did. W said I'd have to sleep on the couch because there wasn't room. I said I would not leave my bed and that she was free to sleep wherever she wanted. She got upset, accused me of trying to manipulate her because in my begging phase I had asked her to sleep in the bed instead of the couch, she moved D6 to her own bed, told me to stay away from her kids and said she'd take me for everything I have. I told her I understand her frustration, but she is the one choosing to separate and I would not be leaving my own bed.
As I left for work this morning, she woke up and started calling me a fake nice guy and said this was all an act and is not my true self. I’m not sure exactly where that came from first thing in the morning, but I responded that I was sorry she felt that way, and this is not an act. I said have a good day, and left for work.
These interactions make me feel like I’m doing something right. It’s only been in the past week or so that I’ve stuck up for myself instead of living in fear of upsetting her. I assume it’ll take W a little time to adjust to that, but it’s nice no longer walking on eggshells in my own home.
