Sometimes it can be challenging to tell if a 180 is for her or for you. When you're not sure, consider these: (1) Is this a 180 one you'll want to keep when you return to 8-hour shifts at work?
that is a helpful viewpoint I agree.
A decluttering expert I follow isn't willing to spend more than 5-15min/day picking up her home (dishes/laundry are separate). You don't want to live in a waste dump, but you also don't want to miss out on hiking, games, pubs with friends, etc.
exactly!!
The smallest consistent change is the most potent. Many LBS temporarily become a MollyMaid after BD and that's something WAS will be skeptical about long-term. (2) Do you have a desire to show-off the 180 or any expectations around her reaction? Hidden expectations and the ensuing resentment is a killer.[/quote]
She has moved out and I am working on detaching and GAL.
Where did she move to? Did she rent an apartment, at a relative's place, or is it possible she's staying with OM?
she is staying with a relative though I understand that she may travel overseas to be with OM.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Last night she reached out and I had dinner that I was making for myself and was open to sharing with her.
This sounds alright - she reached out, and you accepted - but make sure not to be too available. You don't want to be bending over backwards to meet up whenever she can. Get busy GAL'ing and make plans and don't always answer her calls on a dime or be there for her whenever she asks.
yes working on that.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She arrived tense and stressed. I tried to remain calm and normal but not pursuing or pressuring she seemed to relax and enjoy herself a bit. Then later after she had gone to her place we talked on the phone and she was highly stressed again. She expressed distress and the confusion of our relationship and how hard that is for her. I Listened validated and kept myself reserved even though those elements are tortuous for me.
Sounds like you did well in the interactions - keeping your composure, listening, and validating.
SteveLW : I’d like to understand what you mean by rules of engagement.
And yes I see the value in getting a life being busy and not necessarily available whenever she wants.
Your wife has moved out. Is presumably moving towards D. You need to start enacting the last resort technique.
Here are the rules of engagement:
You never reach out to her first. When she does, if she calls, let it go to voicemail. If she asks questions in the VM you can respond with texts. If she texts, only respond to direct questions. Even in your answers to direct questions you answer only the question, no pleasantries. As short as an answer as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
Must LBSs struggle with this. But the biggest mistake LBSs make is being too responsive and available to their WAS. Your best course is to make yourself as scarce as possible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Heading out for a group day hike now in a circle of our shared friends. I think it’s possible that W will be there with a friend. I’m looking forward to the day. Will see how it goes.
Heading out for a group day hike now in a circle of our shared friends. I think it’s possible that W will be there with a friend. I’m looking forward to the day. Will see how it goes.
I loved the first sentence - hiking with friends is great GAL - but not so sure about the second. You should be giving space and not trying to meet up with your W.
How'd it go?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Heading out for a group day hike now in a circle of our shared friends. I think it’s possible that W will be there with a friend. I’m looking forward to the day. Will see how it goes.
I loved the first sentence - hiking with friends is great GAL - but not so sure about the second. You should be giving space and not trying to meet up with your W.
How'd it go?
It was an amazing day with a great group and she didn’t show. When I arrived home, D was on the phone with my W and they had a good connection. I’m happy about that. This situation has also been very difficult for our kids and they are not happy with their mom though they love her.
W is exhibiting and voicing to me more and more indications that she is highly stressed. She was just speaking with me this afternoon while waiting for one of our really good friends to take her out to lunch. This is a solid loving kind and wise friend who has known and loved us for decades. W and her have had a solid deep friendship but this summer since W Has dramatically changed in her behaviour and attitude, W has been very reluctant to engage in these positive friendships. She even told our D recently that she doesn’t know if she will have any friends left soon.
Anyway, I validated, validated and validated some more. “That sounds like it’s really difficult for you and stressful.”
It was an amazing day with a great group and she didn’t show.
Glad you had a great hike with good friends - sounds like a perfect way to boost your spirits.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She was just speaking with me this afternoon while waiting for one of our really good friends to take her out to lunch.
How was she casually speaking to you? I thought she moved out. Was that a call, stop by...etc.? Remember to get busy and make yourself less available. Don't be her support system as she's leaving you; start moving the other direction.
Originally Posted by Rockon
This is a solid loving kind and wise friend who has known and loved us for decades. W and her have had a solid deep friendship but this summer since W Has dramatically changed in her behaviour and attitude, W has been very reluctant to engage in these positive friendships. She even told our D recently that she doesn’t know if she will have any friends left soon.
It's common for the WS/WAS to cut ties with people who disapprove of their actions and connect with those who support them. If your "solid loving kind and wise friend" is pro-marriage and against the affair/divorce, that might explain why your W would pull away from her.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Anyway, I validated, validated and validated some more. “That sounds like it’s really difficult for you and stressful.”
Sounds like you said the right things. Remember...no pressure, no arguing, no R talk, no logic'ing your way out...etc.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
