Rockon, a caution I have with making the home spotless and cooking dinner is it could be and look more TryHard than Detached. The more doing the housework is your fair share (50%) rather than most (to impress) or less (out of spite) the better. The more you're sharing dinner because you have extra after feeding you and your son vs. making her a meal the better.
The above assumes you work as many hours outside the home as her. If she's earning the money and you're staying home to do domestic duties, that's different. Then by all means make a home that sparks joy!
The WAS should see through your GAL you are a desirable partner with interest and options--not a backup plan she can return to anytime if OM1, OM2, OM3, etc. don't work out. May you join the ranks of those who save their marriages here.
Digging into the homework - thank you for the list and suggestions. DR book arrives today so expect I will have questions for all y’all, lots to process and apply and learn from.
Actually sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. I'm hearing you making yourself more attractive (exercise, dressing well), engaging in IC, getting out with your son and friends, doing projects around the house, not chasing/pressuring...etc.
The hardest part for newcomers is usually letting go / detaching, keeping calm/collected/strong, and not pursuing with pressure and relationship talks. From what you're saying it sounds like you're doing just that - key is to give her space / let her miss you and improve yourself in the meantime.
Originally Posted by Rockon
W was just here for dinner. Just she and I and it was quite nice. I stayed within myself was warm and friendly and upbeat. I looked good, felt good and the house was kind of sparkling - she commented so. She had texted me after work and asked if I had dinner. I said that it was almost ready.So she came over. She was a bit stressed (her work is hard) but she relaxed, smiled and laughed a bit. Now she has left but I’m ok.
I'm confused about this - thought she moved out? Where is she currently living? Does she come over for dinner? Depending on the situation - and especially if she's involved with another man - you may not to make yourself less available and not cook her dinner. Be out to dinner with a friend, or playing in a volleyball league, or taking a cooking class. Curious what others think here.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Good points Traveller and I am trying to sort out what is a healthy 180 vs “tryhard” while working on detachment.
I believe that consistent focus and follow through on what is important to me is really helpful in reaching my goals rather than panicky trying hard.
In the case of looking after our home cooking and cleaning etc, I am doing this because it’s important to me for what I need and what I want my home and lifestyle to be. W is working full time and has moved out. I am in full time treatment for ptsd incurred in the line of duty. Having said that, my wages/income are intact and I earn almost double what W does.
Last night, I was preparing dinner for myself when W texted and asked if I had dinner. I said I was just making it and she was welcome to join. Trying to figure it all out!
She has moved out and I am working on detaching and GAL. Last night she reached out and I had dinner that I was making for myself and was open to sharing with her.
She arrived tense and stressed. I tried to remain calm and normal but not pursuing or pressuring she seemed to relax and enjoy herself a bit. Then later after she had gone to her place we talked on the phone and she was highly stressed again. She expressed distress and the confusion of our relationship and how hard that is for her. I Listened validated and kept myself reserved even though those elements are tortuous for me.
Good points Traveller and I am trying to sort out what is a healthy 180 vs “tryhard” while working on detachment. In the case of looking after our home.. I am doing this because it’s important to me for what I need and what I want my home and lifestyle to be.
Sometimes it can be challenging to tell if a 180 is for her or for you. When you're not sure, consider these: (1) Is this a 180 one you'll want to keep when you return to 8-hour shifts at work? A decluttering expert I follow isn't willing to spend more than 5-15min/day picking up her home (dishes/laundry are separate). You don't want to live in a waste dump, but you also don't want to miss out on hiking, games, pubs with friends, etc. The smallest consistent change is the most potent. Many LBS temporarily become a MollyMaid after BD and that's something WAS will be skeptical about long-term. (2) Do you have a desire to show-off the 180 or any expectations around her reaction? Hidden expectations and the ensuing resentment is a killer.
She has moved out and I am working on detaching and GAL.
Where did she move to? Did she rent an apartment, at a relative's place, or is it possible she's staying with OM?
Originally Posted by Rockon
Last night she reached out and I had dinner that I was making for myself and was open to sharing with her.
This sounds alright - she reached out, and you accepted - but make sure not to be too available. You don't want to be bending over backwards to meet up whenever she can. Get busy GAL'ing and make plans and don't always answer her calls on a dime or be there for her whenever she asks.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She arrived tense and stressed. I tried to remain calm and normal but not pursuing or pressuring she seemed to relax and enjoy herself a bit. Then later after she had gone to her place we talked on the phone and she was highly stressed again. She expressed distress and the confusion of our relationship and how hard that is for her. I Listened validated and kept myself reserved even though those elements are tortuous for me.
Sounds like you did well in the interactions - keeping your composure, listening, and validating.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I believe that consistent focus and follow through on what is important to me is really helpful in reaching my goals rather than panicky trying hard.
In the case of looking after our home cooking and cleaning etc, I am doing this because it’s important to me for what I need and what I want my home and lifestyle to be.
This is so true. You HAVE to do it for YOU, and NOT HER. If you do it for a month just to win her back not only will she see right through it but you'll stop and regress when it doesn't work. It's so crucial to commit to the 180s for the LONG TERM and for YOU. That goes for the house work, exercise, IC...all your areas of self-improvement.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Rockon, just a bit of a 2x4. Your post about wife coming to dinner really smacks of friend zoned behavior. Remember, if your goal is to be her husband again , being her friend isn't the way back there. Next time she texts you should be busy. "I have plans." Leave it at that. There is a saying the vets here used to say: you'll never look more attractive to her as you will when you're walking away.
I can vouch for this. When I was being super husband, hanging on to every thing she did and said, and trying so hard to win her approval, my WW had no desire to stay in the marriage. When I started to embrace that are was leaving, started to plan for it, and even look forward to it, suddenly she started questioning her decision.
RockOn, do you know what your rules of engagement should be?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
