You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Secondly, Man, you probably feel like you are gonna die right now. Except that you aren't...
There is nothing about this that won't turn you inside out at every turn.
And you can believe this or not, there is life through this, and life out the other side. Everything you are going through at this time is temporary, and it WILL change. Sometimes for the better, often times for the worse over the next couple years. However, there will be a day when you are thankful for what you are getting ready to go through.
I'm not typically a fluffy bunny , unicorns and rainbows kind of guy....
I would rather teach you to fish , rather than give you a fish....
A couple questions to start....
Do you love her ???
Seldom do I read the first few posts and not read that they love their WAS....
I would assume that you do, or you wouldn't be posting here.
What does loving her mean to you, as you read this today ???
Are you able to forgive her if she changes her mind and decides to try again ??
Are you able to walk through hell with gasoline shorts on, IF there was a very small chance that you could have another shot ???
Do you have that inside of you ???
To burn every ounce of fuel , to have zero regrets for your future ???
Look Rock....
The marriage that you had is over and done...
Anything for the future will have to be an entirely new relationship..
And there is a chance, that it CAN be with your current spouse....
Nothing you do or say can change this...
However everything that you can say or do can change this...
That might make sense at some point, just possibly not today...
BL is right, you need to get back to you. Find that guy that she fell in love with all those years ago, when she looked deep into your eyes at Chuck-E-Cheese....
Stop talking and more doing....
You aren't going to talk your way out of something that you acted your way into....
For now, find your balance in this....
Own your side of the street, and work on the things that you want to fix within yourself.
We all have played a part in the demise of our marriages. Figure out what they are, and dig deep to kill those behaviors....
This is the best, worst place to be....and we are all in this together.....alone
There isn't a lot of activity around here anymore, so maybe dig through the archives, and just read. Although you need to read some other things too. this will consume you if you allow that to happen...
Just make sure that you don't let the worst thing that has happened to you....define you and who you are at your core....
Rocky I am very sorry you are here. Mach1 gave a great first post so I will make a few comments below:
Originally Posted by Rockon
I replied favourably then she got scared - told me she is worried that us going to MC would catapult us to a final decision on our marriage.
Yeah for now you want to stay out of MC especially if MC is pro divorce. I was ecstatic when my ex agreed to MC only to find out she used it as an excuse "we tried MC and that didn't work".
Originally Posted by Rockon
She told me a while ago that she noticed that I have been thriving without her - did I mention that she has moved out - and she told me that she has also told her friends that I am thriving without her.
This is a trick to see where you are. You don't want her to know where you are. Things will not change until she sees you no longer need her.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Truth is I am also suffering tremendously but I am accessing support network of faithful solid friends, exercising, working with my treatment team etc.
For years you've lived by a certain set of rules -- that if you're a good husband, you can count on your wife supporting you.
Because you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.
etc. etc.
When that's suddenly ripped away and you can't understand (a) what you did to make it fall apart so suddenly, (b) why the person who used to be your partner seems to have had a complete personality change and (c) why you can't seem to do anything to make it better, it is totally destabilizing.
Your brain doesn't like this instability, and it doesn't like the unavailability of a remedy at all! Its panic-inducing.
Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.
Your brain convinces you that the quickest way to do that is to get your wayward spouse back. If you can do that, then all the old rules still apply and there was just a temporary blip on the radar.
As a result, your brain will *compel* you to want to pursue, and everything else is a justification to allow you to do what you want.
Step back and look at some of these situations -- a person's wife cheats on them for years with several OM's. If that comes to light, a rational person would say "this woman has issues" and head the other way right? But in reality, we see time and again that the LBS convinces themselves that this cheater is the best person in the world, and they want to have them back more than anything.
WHY? Because the loss of control is devastating. The loss of control is something our brains can't process or tolerate.
If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.
What can restore that sense of control?
1) Set goals for yourself and hit them. (Get in shape, do an improvement project around the house, learn to play an instrument)
2) Interact with others. Volunteer, join a club, a little positive validation from other humans will do wonders
3) Talk to a therapist or a DB coach. You have a lot of feelings to work through, keep walking the road.
Seldom do I read the first few posts and not read that they love their WAS....
I would assume that you do, or you wouldn't be posting here.
What does loving her mean to you, as you read this today ???
Are you able to forgive her if she changes her mind and decides to try again ??
Are you able to walk through hell with gasoline shorts on, IF there was a very small chance that you could have another shot ???
Do you have that inside of you ???
Yes I love her fiercely and I have done my best to live that out in our marriage. I knew that I wasn’t and am not perfect and that I made a lot of mistakes that disappointed and hurt her. I recognize ways that I have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.
Yes I am prepared to forgive her if she turns around stops cheating and wants to work on our marriage. I want to heal our marriage and build a brand new thriving relationship.
Yes I love her fiercely and I have done my best to live that out in our marriage. I knew that I wasn’t and am not perfect and that I made a lot of mistakes that disappointed and hurt her. I recognize ways that I have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.
Yes I am prepared to forgive her if she turns around stops cheating and wants to work on our marriage. I want to heal our marriage and build a brand new thriving relationship.
In what ways did you contribute to the breakdown of the marriage? Are you working on those 180s?
Can you give us more background on the two of you...ages, how did you meet, previous relationships, issue in marriage, prior infidelity...etc?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yes I love her fiercely and I have done my best to live that out in our marriage. I knew that I wasn’t and am not perfect and that I made a lot of mistakes that disappointed and hurt her. I recognize ways that I have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.
Yes I am prepared to forgive her if she turns around stops cheating and wants to work on our marriage. I want to heal our marriage and build a brand new thriving relationship.
In what ways did you contribute to the breakdown of the marriage? Are you working on those 180s?
Yes working on 180’s: -committing to my health as priority -taking care of our home inside and out (full tidy, organize, reset each day including making bed) organizing all the clutter, renovating, painting, gardening, making the outside of the house and entrance inviting and welcoming, promoting peace, joy and love in our home, entertaining friends (backyard fire)
Ok going out to shoot hoops with my son - will get back to this
Can you give us more background on the two of you...ages, how did you meet, previous relationships, issue in marriage, prior infidelity...etc?
Yes I love her fiercely and I have done my best to live that out in our marriage. I knew that I wasn’t and am not perfect and that I made a lot of mistakes that disappointed and hurt her. I recognize ways that I have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.
Yes I am prepared to forgive her if she turns around stops cheating and wants to work on our marriage. I want to heal our marriage and build a brand new thriving relationship.
In what ways did you contribute to the breakdown of the marriage? Are you working on those 180s?
Contributions to breakdown: -not giving her the attention romance and excitement she craved at times for sure -she felt that I placed too much focus and attention on our kids and their needs at the expense of her -contributing to chaos and disorder with falling behind renovating our house and being disorganized -my traumatic injury ( with depression and anxiety) impacting on my wife and our intimacy -our collective emotional wounds and pain from familial trauma -me not standing up to her when she mistreated me verbally and with disrespect at times.
Continuing on 180s: -looking after myself focusing on me -standing up to her calmly and assertively -not attending to my physical appearance at times -I got disconnected from work, friends, hobbies -not talking about me or overly focusing on our kids when we are in conversation but showing care and interest in her life and perspective when she opens up to me especially about hurts and contributions -lots of validation -engaging in my treatment and following up,with my dr for preventative tests and measures -getting help from friends with house Reno skills - I’m still doing a lot of the work and learning -being responsible financially for myself -looking and dressing well, GAL, being happy and having friends
Can you give us more background on the two of you...ages, how did you meet, previous relationships, issue in marriage, prior infidelity...etc?[/quote] - we are in our 50s, met at church, we had some relationships prior but no living together, no prior infidelity that I’m aware of
Sounds like you are a man of faith. Everything is a learning experience. Do not have false hope. Do not have false despair. Have faith in the process. Embrace your new reality. Process everything. Challenge your beliefs on everything.
Divorce Remedy and this support forum was my foundation for my personal growth. Best worst thing that ever happened to me. Make positive changes to your behavior and the way you interact with people, especially your wife. This has the best probability of success. This definition of success changes as you move through the process. When you come out the other side, you will be grateful for going through it.
I was reading 2-3 books a week at the beginning. There is always some way to improve ourselves and the way we interact with others. Enjoy interacting with everyone.
One mistake many make is letting their spouse back too easy. As you read through everything, come up with your private(ie don't tell W what it will take, rather she will have to tell you) list of unconditionals. I am sure I quoted some from others.
Keep posting and we will all give our 2cents. Ultimately you will have conflicting advise and have do decided what makes the best sense for you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One mistake many make is letting their spouse back too easy. As you read through everything, come up with your private(ie don't tell W what it will take, rather she will have to tell you) list of unconditionals.
Can you explain a little more what you mean about keeping my list of conditionals for W private, not telling her and her having to tell me?
Rockon, you're already getting lots of good feedback and advice. I love your screen name! Also, thriving without her is exactly how you'll get her back, of that ends up being what you want. Its counter intuitive, but that's DBing!
GAL like a madman. Keep up the self-improvements. Work on detachment. Leave her alone, don't be the one to initiate contact, and be busy at least half of the time that she does!
You've got this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W was just here for dinner. Just she and I and it was quite nice. I stayed within myself was warm and friendly and upbeat. I looked good, felt good and the house was kind of sparkling - she commented so. She had texted me after work and asked if I had dinner. I said that it was almost ready.So she came over. She was a bit stressed (her work is hard) but she relaxed, smiled and laughed a bit. Now she has left but I’m ok.
