8 month old baby and upcoming divorce part 2

[bttrfly]

The finalization is just that, finality. The immensity of the change in your life plan is now real and unalterable. Gives one pause, at the very least.

This is why I always tell people who are separated that they really ought not date because when that piece of paper comes, everyone, and I mean everyone, has an emotional response which needs to be processed.

Give yourself time to figure out who YOU are now. Date yourself first. Doesn't mean you can't date others, but also date yourself. Single you is worth getting to know.

[BL42]

Newborn,

I hope the divorce finalizing will bring you some closure. It's completely normal to have emotions when it goes through officially, and it's actually good to let it process through. I thought I was doing quite well and feeling strong for a few months but when I got the formal news I had a good cry in the bedroom.

Good for you for not responding to his laughing emoji and even better for you to block him on social media - it's better for your detachment and mental health not to have that window.

Have fun in Europe and the medical conference - keep up that GAL.

He would also pay child support but he hasn't paid for anything since the baby was a month old.

What's holding you back from holding him to his obligations? He's moving away from his child; it's fair he help support.

Going to try online dating, the person I went on a date with was super nice but I don't think there was a spark there.

I wouldn't rush into dating if I were you. Or at least don't rush into anything serious. You have a lot to process and healing to do. Make sure you're happy with yourself and your life first, or you may find yourself in a less than ideal situation.

Despite all of this, Overall, I'm feeling so much more hopeful for the future

Good! You're going to do great.

[Newborn]

Thank you so much DnJ, BL, and bttrfly. I appreciate your wisdom and chiming in.

I'm actually feeling really happy with my life and very at peace with everything now. I wouldn't date if I hadn't been feeling over him - eg, if ex came to my door and begged me back I'd say no. Driving my little guy to the zoo today I couldn't help but think about how much happier I am not having to endure long drawn out conversations from him perseverating on yoga/spiritualism/abolishing the police etc etc, having to constantly tiptoe around my words, avoid jokes that would offend him, avoid talking about my job because it would annoy him, whatever. It's been a year since I filed for separation, then filed for divorce in February/March timeframe.

Feeling any way other than fully over him is not fair to whomever I date so I waited until I felt that way. I may want to hold off until I get back from Europe though just so I can be single there. Not to hook up with anyone (never been interested in that) but just so I don't have to feel tied down in any way.

That being said I completely see where you all are coming - any recommended length of time before considering getting serious?

[bttrfly]

That being said I completely see where you all are coming - any recommended length of time before considering getting serious?

I don't think there is any one-size-fits-all answer to that question in terms of length of time. It's truly individual.

I will say that the numbers aren't good in terms of divorce rates:

1st marriages are around 50% likely to divorce

2nd marriages are 65% - and the vast majority are people who married #2 within a 5 year span of divorcing #1 ... so ... no rush.

[DnJ]

Hello N

any recommended length of time before considering getting serious?

The length of time is different for everyone. My basic rule of thumb is at least one year after the divorce is final. That’s from finalized, not from signed, or separated.

From my own experience, and from reading many situations, there are distinct times and hurdles the LBS needs to heal from. Some of the major ones (and not an all inclusive list): BD, affair confirmation, separation, divorce signing, and divorce finalized.

Divorce is horrible. It rips apart families and people. One needs to heal from that.

The finality of a divorce brings its own pains and stirring of emotions. Actually, it’s the finality of the marriage and relationship. The word divorce, although it does define what is happening, does somewhat detract from what is being destroyed. Even a divorce signed and pending judge’s signature is emotionally different than one that is finalized. It takes time to work through one’s emotions and accept this.

Plenty of folks do not feel that for a while. Remember, grief and loss. There is a period of indifference, a time of numbness, even for this “new” loss. Even if the loss is viewed as a positive, or is a positive, it still has a process of grief tied to it. A job promotion for example, or retirement . I did miss my work, and needed to find acceptance to my new non-employment status.

Indifference post divorce. Other feelings will loom larger in the void of what once was. Definitely do not want to act or make life altering decisions during this time.

Indifference will unwind. Some depression would be likely. And acceptance will be found. A year seems reasonable to ensure one’s inner self is settled and has their belief and conviction based headings sorted out.

D

[Newborn]

Hi all!

It's been a few months. Thanks for always being a great support system.

I've been GAL, hanging out with the toddler who is the funniest, sweetest little guy, and working. Although I've been a little stressed at work, I've still found time to make sure the kiddo and I spend quality time no matter what each day (walking to the park, reading books, playing outside, built him a little jungle gym) and still doing my hobbies (dancing, going out with friends, being part of medical societies and going to events). My nanny has been my savior in this regard by staying late to allow me free time.

I thought I was doing super well and then this past weekend my friend informed me the ex is, indeed, with the woman he emotionally cheated with me on, and likely moved across the country for. Although I had a feeling it was true (and this is something most of you all had already dealt with) it was still really harmful seeing it be exactly what I had envisioned. My friends have been incredibly supportive, although some say I just need to move on and get past it - yes, I'm well aware, thanks! - and talking with friends who also went through similar divorces was extremely validating in how I feel and how to approach it. I asked my friend to no longer update me and actually just remove him. She said for what it's worth he looks gross and old compared to his new girlfriend, and he seems cringey, but it doesn't matter. She asked if I wanted to see a picture and I said of course not.

But it felt like I took 10 steps back with how much it impacted me. I shouldn't care, nor want him back, after all of this. and in truth even if he did apologize I don't even think I would want him back into my life after all he's done - so why is this still so painful? It just seems so unfair he seems like he gets his happily ever after and has no remorse.

As an aside, he sent me a big bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day. He hadn't asked about the toddler for months. It's pretty annoying that he fluctuates between complete indifference to sending a bouquet of flowers, possibly to alleviate his guilt? I don't know.

[Kind18]

This is totally normal.

What sort of human being would you be, if you were married to this person, had kids together, but didn’t think about what used to be from time to time?

It’s okay, even when you’ve happily moved on, to have a rubbish day here and there.

I am completely emotionally detached from my wretched ex. If she ever tried to come back, I’d laugh in her face and run like Forrest Gump in the opposite direction…. But last week, one of my kids did say to me that they found themself thinking about what life would be like if we were still together. That affected me quite a lot, not because I’d ever go back or want to be with her, but because it reminded me of the effect that divorce has on children - and that made me sad for a day or two.

You’re never going to be 100%. The real measure of progress is simply that those difficult times slowly become much shorter, and less frequent. You might find yourself thinking about him for a day, once a week. And then next year you might find it’s only half a day every month, and so on….

It will never go away. Being married and having kids together was a huge part of your life. Just acknowledge it, don’t run from it, and know that there isn’t a person on this board who wouldn’t feel a bit sad from time to time 👍

[Newborn]

You’re never going to be 100%. The real measure of progress is simply that those difficult times slowly become much shorter, and less frequent. You might find yourself thinking about him for a day, once a week. And then next year you might find it’s only half a day every month, and so on….

It will never go away. Being married and having kids together was a huge part of your life. Just acknowledge it, don’t run from it, and know that there isn’t a person on this board who wouldn’t feel a bit sad from time to time 👍

Thanks Kind.

The ex's best friend (whom I'm still friends with) called me to chat and to tell me some of our old mutual friends were sniffing around for info. He didn't tell them anything, but asked if I was doing ok since the ex is putting pics of him and his new girlfriend on social media.

I'm just really frustrated still. I know it's normal to be sad from time to time, but why is this impacting me still so much? I knew he'd been cheating - he put a photo of the girl up in our home for heavens' sake - so why am I still so upset by knowing he posted on social media?

[Rockon]

I don’t know why this still impacts you so much newborn but I hear you and believe you that it does. Be well be strong. It’s ok to have things deeply affect you.

[DnJ]

Good Morning N

Sounds like you’ve found a good balance - little guy, work, hobbies. And as you know, a quality nanny is worth their weight in gold.

I'm just really frustrated still. I know it's normal to be sad from time to time, but why is this impacting me still so much? I knew he'd been cheating - he put a photo of the girl up in our home for heavens' sake - so why am I still so upset by knowing he posted on social media?

Personal suffering is caused by desire and attachment. Even desires that are fulfilled can lead to suffering.

Suffering is one’s emotional response due to not accepting, pushing against, the reality of their life.

But it felt like I took 10 steps back with how much it impacted me. I shouldn't care, nor want him back, after all of this. and in truth even if he did apologize I don't even think I would want him back into my life after all he's done - so why is this still so painful? It just seems so unfair he seems like he gets his happily ever after and has no remorse.

Sometimes I hope he'll wake up and realize how stupid he's being but for the most part I think he's just an insecure manchild who needs to feel important.

Why do you think you shouldn’t care? You are a kind and caring person. Of course you care. And yes, even about XH. And that is perfectly fine!!

Indifference does unwind. It’s not meant to be one’s life’s landscape. Our feelings do return. And so does ego, need to be right, need to have/seek justice, and such.

Letting go of such desires, of one’s ego driven needs, brings about a welcomed freedom and much peace. We get a taste of that during indifference. It’s kind of a weird taste brought about by our feeling less or numb. The true meal is much more sating.

You are doing well. It was only a few months ago that XH was adamantly denying he was moving 6 hours away to be with OW. His mostly false claim that the move was because of the yoga studio was only recently exposed.

Our situations are multi-faceted. And we are therefore at several stages of grief simultaneously. Some events from the beginning and BD are well into acceptance, others like the reason for XH’s move are new and are in the anger stage. You knew, suspected the real reason, yet emotionally were bargaining/denying it. Rationally, logically, you understood and knew. However, acceptance is emotional understanding.

New events, new information, a new shoe drops; and new feelings are stirred. With one’s healing from their journey so far, the path to accepting and understanding the new info and one’s new emotions is speedier. And it is simply less to absorb than at bomb drop when one’s entire world blows up and crashes down.

Forgiveness is the big freedom in all this. Letting go of one’s need and desire for revenge, or karma, or to see remorse, or have them wake up to the stupid choices they made, etc.

Love the sinner, forgive the sin.

Forgiveness will have nothing to do with XH. And everything to do with you. You finding your path to writing paid in full upon the invoices you are holding, brings peace and contentment. Realize it’s the transgressions you forgive, not the person. Only God is wise enough and knows enough to judge and forgive the soul. We can forgive the deed, and love the person.

I long ago realized I wanted no hand or responsibility for my XW’s suffering/pain, in this life or the next. I gave her to God. Whatever karmic comeuppance might befall her, I effort for it to not be from my designs. This is not a free pass, nor condoning, and there is still accountability where required, just without grudges.

When you embrace, seek, and understand the unfairness and hurt of it all, a counterintuitive path opens up before you. You see the unfairness and hurt is actually reinforced by ourself, by our desires. (An obvious one is a desire for retribution.) As we let go our desires, we find peace.

Time is one’s companion along this journey. And it does take time. This is the realm of beliefs, convictions, and values we hold most dear; which take significant time to discover and organize. Strengthen those that serve you, craft those you aspire to, and alter/discard those that do not serve.

The counterintuitive path is about living the present moment. Being happy and content with one’s self and life. One stills enjoys things without the need/desire. One still plans and hopes for the future, without fretting/fearing it. One can remember their past without depression and getting lost within it.

When one has balance of their four paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual; when one’s “cars” on each of those paths are lined up and traversing the same direction and speed; there is peace.

Have a wonderful day N.

D