I am not sure how those in her life or her work reacted to her infidelity and divorce. I stayed out of it and certainly did not report her. And I’ve had no contact with her XH. I think they are pretty good at hiding the truth. Again, new city, new friends, and now they can hide things even more with MR.
Like everything. You can try to hide it from others but you can’t hide from yourself. I hope at some point the R fails and they both have to come to terms with who they are and what they have done. Maybe that is mean and I shouldn’t think that way, but if I need to be honest, I do.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I am not sure how those in her life or her work reacted to her infidelity and divorce. I stayed out of it and certainly did not report her. And I’ve had no contact with her XH. I think they are pretty good at hiding the truth. Again, new city, new friends, and now they can hide things even more with MR.
Hi El, Geographical cures don't work.
Hiding from issues by changing relationship partners doesn't work.
We all know this is true.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Like everything. You can try to hide it from others but you can’t hide from yourself. I hope at some point the R fails and they both have to come to terms with who they are and what they have done. Maybe that is mean and I shouldn’t think that way, but if I need to be honest, I do.
El
I understand why you feel this way. My hope for you is that over time your feelings change to indifference towards them and whatever happens to them, as that will mean you've crossed the Rubicon. I could give 2 $h!ts about them; my concern is you, your long-term happiness and your peace of mind.
I always feel like people who have overlap in romantic relationships tell us a lot about themselves, like they can't bear to be alone!! HUGE red flag. So many of the spouses of those who find themselves here fit into that category, running from person to person, shine new toy to shiny new toy. Nice work if you can get it, I guess? But guess what, that wears thin. Sooner or later we all must face ourselves and our demons. Better to do so before you're at end of life. But you know this.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I look forward to the day that I feel indifference. I know I still have some anger and resentment about what happened and who my XH turned out to be. Time. I’m getting there. I’ve definitely made a lot of progress…
He is running from himself. He always made choices without thinking them through. And he usually blamed others for the resulting issues. At some point he will need to take responsibility for his own actions and choices. It’s his circus and he has to live with it.
Thanks for your thoughts and hugs.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
nothing changes if nothing changes. i will tell you the same thing my brother from another mother told me: someday - i don't know when, but soon - you will realize that he did you a big favor by leaving.
xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Not surprisingly, I completely agree with Bttrfly. It took me a minute (as the kids say) to get there but I did finally get to a point where I realized my XH gave me a huge gift in walking away when he did. On this side of the whole deal, I’m detached and moved on and don’t dwell on “what might have been”. Unlike a lot of posters here, though, in full disclosure, I didn’t share children with my XH so if I had, it may have been a whole different ball game, so to speak. All I know for sure is there is a point where it stops hurting and that point is different for everyone.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
someday - i don't know when, but soon - you will realize that he did you a big favor by leaving
I do feel this way logically. I just don’t feel indifferent to him or the situation yet. I do feel pretty detached. So that is good. But I do still feel the resentment. I am hoping this is the final stage before indifference.
My guess is that its trauma bonds. My XH could be amazing…unfortunately, that person rarely showed himself to me in the later years of our R. That amazing person was the love of my life. He just may not have been real, or honest, and may be a covert narcissist. A facade.
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Not surprisingly, I completely agree with Bttrfly. It took me a minute (as the kids say) to get there but I did finally get to a point where I realized my XH gave me a huge gift in walking away when he did. On this side of the whole deal, I’m detached and moved on and don’t dwell on “what might have been”. Unlike a lot of posters here, though, in full disclosure, I didn’t share children with my XH so if I had, it may have been a whole different ball game, so to speak. All I know for sure is there is a point where it stops hurting and that point is different for everyone.
I do realize he gave me a gift by leaving. I would still be with him and unhappy if he hadn’t. So I get frustrated with myself for still not feeling indifferent towards him yet. But the kids do change things. I know, even though they are my step-kids, that I will be in their lives always, and that also means in his. And I love his family too, who have been great to me.
I’m excited about dating, I’m excited that my life is mine again (instead of being driven by his wants), and I do realize the many things I did that allowed me to stay in the MR when he clearly wasn’t treating me well or respecting me. So I try to believe, like you say, that it is time and healing and I will get there.
I’ve come a long way since mediation. I’ve lost about 10 lbs, I’ve been feeling physically better and exercising more, the inflammation and swelling from intense stress has also lessened considerably, and I have a lot more energy. And I just feel good! So, progress, not perfection. But at least there is progress right?
How many LBS get finally to indifference only to have their Xs suddenly come back around? I fear that. I fear that as soon as I reach indifference and feel it to my core, he will play games with me and throw me backwards.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
someday - i don't know when, but soon - you will realize that he did you a big favor by leaving
I do feel this way logically. I just don’t feel indifferent to him or the situation yet. I do feel pretty detached. So that is good. But I do still feel the resentment. I am hoping this is the final stage before indifference.
My guess is that its trauma bonds. My XH could be amazing…unfortunately, that person rarely showed himself to me in the later years of our R. That amazing person was the love of my life. He just may not have been real, or honest, and may be a covert narcissist. A facade.
Facade ???
No, not really....
That person was real, the same as you are real.
He exists in your memories of him, and when he is there, he is still amazing.
And it is okay to still love him the way you did then, you just have to accept that everything changes in life.
(Example- I still love my Ex...defined as I still love the girl that walked down the aisle to me, and the one that crated life with me, and helped build my foundation of being a man. NOT the one that lied continuously and chose a life with values that differed from mine by having 3 affairs)
It's okay to miss the 'him' that you married and had a life with...
He isn't the same, the same way that you aren't the same....
And being thankful that you aren't the same, and thankful that he isn't the same.
Cause I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't want a 25 year old me making the decisions that I had to make along the way...
People that can walk away from this struggle don't bother me at all...
People that take this struggle head on, amaze me...
So I would say that if you did NOT feel this way, I would have more concern....
Have you ever taken the time to sit quietly and say goodbye to him ???
Have you taken the time to sit down and say goodbye to the "you" that you were then ??
Have you taken the time to sit down and say goodbye to the "us" that you were ??
Accept all of the decisions that you don't fit you today ?
And realize that you both are human, and you WILL make errors in life ???
It's a pretty empowering experience....
Head/heart reconciliation is hard....
Some days the heart leads, some days the head leads....
You'll get there when they both agree on most days....
