I think it’s deceptively simple, this question of when yo date. - you should be sure that you’ll never take your ex back even if they came crawling - because it’s terribly unfair to a new partner to dump them for your ex.
- you need to be healed enough that you can make healthy choices in terms of whom you date. It’s too easy to grab the first thing to fill that void, or to repeat old patterns that led to you picking your ex in the first place.
I agree with this^^^this is where I feel I am at...
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
• I did my best to be the kind of wife and mother my XH needed/wanted
• I realize now that I felt I wasn’t enough for him, and that I didn’t do enough
• I realize now that I was never going to be “enough” for him, or do “enough” for him
• I am proud of the way I treated my XH and the ways I tried to show my love and support and partnership in my MR
• I realize now that I WAS ENOUGH
• I realize now that his affair and his treatment of me was not because of who I am/was
• I realize now it was my responsibility to do my part in the marriage, and it was his responsibility to do his part
• I realize now that he chose NOT to do his part, and that’s on him
Throughout my journey, I had felt so much shame. It feels good to be able to take responsibility for my parts (I’m not perfect and I wasn’t perfect) and let go of the parts that were never mine to own. When you are deep in crisis, it’s so hard to see things clearly enough to process them. But, newbies, as you move forward on your journey’s, you will see things so much more clearly. And when emotions settle you can process the experiences more clearly. Better days are ahead! Keep moving forward, growing, and most importantly, be forgiving of yourself along the way!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Elbereth, I'm so glad you're getting past your shame! Yes, we own our faults, and they own giving up on a partner who loved them, was willing to do the work, and would've stayed to the end. You're strong and plenty of fish in the sea.
I recently went on an outing with many friends from my past...some that I have not seen in over 5 years. I was a bit worried that the visit would feel awkward. That everyone would want to hear the scoop on what has happened to me (many of them are aware already through others). I worried that I would get passive-aggressive comments about my lack of staying in touch (which I was getting when in my MR and we started to do less with these folks). Some of them had also started to see what my XH was like before I did, so they started to not care for him much.
I went fearing all of this but just decided to be open and friendly and enjoy myself, regardless. And I had a wonderful time and everyone was lovely and supportive. And I also received a lot of comments about how well I looked, how I glowed with happiness, etc. So that felt good! Of course, many of them had not seen me while my health had nose-dived, weight gain, hair falling out, skin a mess...etc.
My XH has been reaching out over little things that are not important to reach out for. I responded to one thing as minimally as possible but the other one was not a question, so I didn't even respond. I know he took the OW to visit the family (as I saw it on social media from other relatives that I am connected with), which bothered me a bit (yes, I can admit that). Even though I mostly felt like "go ahead...I hope she feels awkward around your family that supports me and loves me". I did get some lovely texts from a few of them during this time...not mentioning her or that they were there, but just to check in with me and to let me know they love me and miss me. Which really was lovely. I'm sure they will be nice to her, but I do not think she will ever be fully accepted. But that is their circus to live with. The timing of his messages is just interesting...but expected I guess.
After all the moving and stress I've been under this year, I have really put in some extra time on self-care these last few weeks. I put off all the settling in and other stressors that I could. I've lost some weight (fasting and exercise) and I'm physically and emotionally feeling so much better. It's amazing how when you are buried in stress and physically exhausted, how hard it is to feel better. And also shows how critical extra time for self-care is! My training course is going decently well and a job I am interested in came up recently. I need to get my resume together to apply, which with all the moving, is a project that fell behind. A gal that used to work with me and my XH is part of the management team at this company, so I am not sure how much she knows about my situation with the D or what she thinks of XH. But I'm just going to be open and excited and just see what happens. All I can control is me. Right?
Wish me luck!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Found out my XH is marrying OW today. Came in a social media email notification. Kind of knew it might happen but was surprised that it’s happening so soon. They have lived together only a little over one year. And our divorce was only finalized about a month ago. I guess they are working hard to fulfill the fantasy of their relationship. I’m okay. I think. Just feels strange and adds to those feelings of not being valued and loved the way I deserved. They really wasted no time.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I am doing my best to value and love myself the way I deserve. This is the biggest reason why I would not take my XH back. Even knowing this, it still stings to realize that I gave myself over so fully to this person and he just threw me away. It hurts. It’s hard. But I also realize I allowed him to treat me the way he did. I stayed even when I felt things had changed between us and after I saw who he truly was. Yes, I stayed because I married him and I took on being a parent to his boys. So I took that seriously, but I also stayed too long. I gave him a pass on behaviors that I did not like because I loved him. I did not maintain my boundaries or other acts of not accepting the way he was treating me. So, yes, I am sad and hurt on many levels. But I am doing my best to focus on how empowered I feel to be away from him. And soon I will start dating and looking for someone who deserves the person I am now.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
