Mach- I will finish the Love Languages book and report back. I'm glad you clarified that I'm not to try to apply anything to my current MR.
In the meantime, do you have any nuggets of wisdom based on my responses below?
Originally Posted by Doug 54
Is it too late ?
___yes __X_no ---> I mean I guess it's not too late since no one has moved out or filed yet(?)
Has she moved on ?
_X__yes ___no ---> This answer would seem incongruent with what I marked for #1 above, but this is the vibe I really get. Plus, I really do not know WTF is going on with her phone and the EA...I stopped harping on it and decided to give her space, but she may well be at the point where she wants to feel the butterflies again (credit - LH19).
Is she in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions ??
I mean I guess it's not too late since no one has moved out or filed yet(?)
The WAS moving out or filing often aren't the game-changes LBS initially imagine them to be. For example, my XGF and I reconciled months after she moved out, and my XW reminded me 1-2yrs ago that R was still possible.
Originally Posted by Doug54
_X__yes ___no ---> This answer would seem incongruent with what I marked for #1 above, but this is the vibe I really get. Yeah, I guess that's one way to spin it.
Nobody knows your exact odds, but they're higher when the WAS still has feelings about you and hasn't given up on trying to share them. Listen, validate, and find 180s that align with your own goals. That helps if you don't R, too! Also, remember that feelings are temporary. It's often said here one day they didn't want to marry you and eventually they did.
Doug, you sound a bit defeated about R just now. Have you read May's situation? She felt attacked for standing on the DivorceBusting website of all places, but she could sure articulate why it mattered to her. That steadfastness, and a partner who changed their mind, got her to R. What are you fighting for? Is that dream worthy enough to set a drop-dead date a year (or another timeframe) from joining DB as Steve often suggests--July 15, 2023? I love drop-dead dates because they alleviate your own daily swing of "Do I stand or not?" and there's an end and no indefinite limbo--one way or the other.
....probably be boating off Martha's Vineyard, jetting to Vegas, and buying a motorcycle. A lifestyle I couldn't exactly keep up with....
Sounds like one afternoon for Traveler.....Just throw in a couple ladies for some excitement.
lol. Nah, too spendy for me! My closest to that this year was kayaking on a choppy ocean near a breaching whale, then dancing by a bonfire with a few ladies, then a moonlight stroll with one where she and I tumbled in the sand under the moonlight. Usually, I prefer to be more physical--climbing mountains like the ones staring at me on my desktop wallpaper.
Ready2Change, you don't write as much about yourself. What's your ideal GAL? Maybe one of our personal GAL ideas will inspire Doug to try something new and exciting!
I don't know, I still suffer from an inconsistent dichotomy between my head and my heart. My IC remarked yesterday that I seem to have made progress on detachment since I initially started at the beginning of April (weekly sessions). I wouldn't presume to disagree. But...I'll still have moments. The other day I was doing some weeding outside the house while listening to music. W was off with the two younger kids. Weeding doesn't require any dexterity or much focus, so before I knew it, my mind wandered and I was hit with a gut-punch of nostalgia. It was October 2004, a few months into my relationship with W. Probably at the height of the limerence stage. She knew I was excited about the World Series (Red Sox - Cardinals) and suggested a trip to Best Buy, about an hour away, for a new tv to mark the event. Just everything about that day - the drive and time together, the notion that this woman thought enough of me and my happiness to splurge on a new tv for my viewing pleasure, the autumn time of year, spending the night together. I mean, I don't think my eyes quite got watery over the memory but it definitely grabbed my breath. And now, well, she's just not the same person...and the marriage may be on the outs...but for that minute or so while I relived the remembrance, things were perfect.
Originally Posted by Traveler
What are you fighting for? Is that dream worthy enough to set a drop-dead date a year (or another timeframe) from joining DB as Steve often suggests--July 15, 2023? I love drop-dead dates because they alleviate your own daily swing of "Do I stand or not?" and there's an end and no indefinite limbo--one way or the other.
What would happen on that date if there's still no movement? I hit the bricks myself?
There's this quote from AnotherStander in Gekko's initial thread that also resonated with me:
Quote
Yes it's normal to think you are done, but don't expect it to stay that way. Recovery is like driving over a series of hills, there are peaks and valleys. When you hit a new peak you think you're done and have moved on but guess what, you're not out of the hills yet and there's a valley dead ahead. Be patient, don't act on these feelings (IE, file for S or D yourself) until you stabilize.
lol. Nah, too spendy for me! My closest to that this year was kayaking on a choppy ocean near a breaching whale, then dancing by a bonfire with a few ladies, then a moonlight stroll with one where she and I tumbled in the sand under the moonlight. Usually, I prefer to be more physical--climbing mountains like the ones staring at me on my desktop wallpaper.
where she and I tumbled in the sand under the moonlight
Originally Posted by Doug54
Is that a euphemism?
Ha! No, that night we literally tumbled into the sand and I kept her warm as we sat together, laid down, and listened to the waves. The other sort of tumbling with her was another day. I don't want to glamorize being single. That day the grass was greener. You will not die. Some days it's not! My XW hasn't seen the kids in 11 days and doubtless misses them.
Actually, embracing that R is unlikely and getting on board with the inevitable D is one of the great DBing motivators. In my own situation, one of the best things I did was consult with an attorney. I didn't tell her, I didn't broadcast it, I just got a free consultation for myself. It was eye-opening and destroyed all of the pie-in-the-sky quickie divorce stories she was feeding me. When there are minor kids involved there is no such thing as a quickie D in most jurisdictions.
But once you are resigned to the D, GAL, 180s and emotional detachment become easier to work towards and maintain. But as AS said, do not let it cause you to jump the gun.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
