You took a chance, at least you knew you were taking it. I’d be careful to stay out of the “friend zone” with this guy - it might make him feel better, but I think it would make you feel worse. I’d just let him know, if he calls, that you’d prefer not to hear from him until/ unless he’s actually ready to date.
I do know I would have regretted not seeing what happens. I enjoyed my time with him and I don’t regret it, but I am very sad. I know people take what I say tongue in cheek, but I have been the block enough to know this guy at a different time could have been the real deal.
You are right KML. I have been thinking about the friends thing. I know myself all too well. I can’t turn off romantic feelings and go right to friends. And the whole time I am “friends” I will be hoping he will change his mind and want to be more. Then I will have to watch him find the “one” like I always do. I can’t put myself through that. I put myself through it on and off for 4 years a long time ago. And the pain was there for a long time.
I know my tendency due to my abandonment issues to hope if I’m just perfect and the best friend ever that he would come around and want to be with me . I know it doesn’t work that way. I have learned that the hard way. And I also know my tendency to feel like a sh!tty person if I decide not accept the friend offer. But I know he did what he had to do and I have to do what I have to do for self preservation.
That’s the positive I will take from this, I am way more self aware. I know my tendencies and I have to make sure I don’t do what is good for others. I was listening to a podcast today that hot home. I tend to do what makes others comfortable and secure and sacrifice myself doing it . I can’t do that anymore.
He will reach out. I know he will . He will want to share everything he spoke about in his new place. I got him his first bottle of wine for his wine fridge . He said wants to hang out again. I just can’t do it .
Odds are, his ex is still tugging some strings, or some old girlfriend has shown up, or he’s actually a Love Avoidant. Whatever it is, a gentle but firm, “call me when you’re ready to date” should be enough.
Then, I would suggest dating or at least GALing.
The red flag I see here is that this guy was pulling back for a bit before, then took you on this date with massage (which is kinda intimate for an early casual date). King of mixed signals, that alone puts me off.
Odds are, his ex is still tugging some strings, or some old girlfriend has shown up, or he’s actually a Love Avoidant. Whatever it is, a gentle but firm, “call me when you’re ready to date” should be enough.
Then, I would suggest dating or at least GALing.
The red flag I see here is that this guy was pulling back for a bit before, then took you on this date with massage (which is kinda intimate for an early casual date). King of mixed signals, that alone puts me off.
Truth is, he didn’t pull back at all until our last date which was a few days ago. I think it was a lot of reality for him.
And he isn’t love avoidant. That’s his problem. He’s all about it and it’s gotten him in trouble in the past. I give him props for recognizing his normal patterns and trying to break them .
I truly believe it’s an unfortunate incidence of bad timing .
I am going to say when you are truly ready to date, call me. But I can’t be his place of comfort during a difficult time. That’s always been my role. I’m done with that
I say he pulled back because he was busy a couple of times and postponed seeing you. People legitimately get busy. But a new guy who’s anxious to see you makes time.
Believe it or not, he went out of his way to see me on our last date. He was super excited, and it was a great day. We both said it. That was too much reality I think .
I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you planned. I know it hurts to open yourself up and go with the flow, and also have “hope” this could be the one. As hard as that is, how would you find the “one” if you don’t do that? Why do you feel you don’t want to date for a while? Love is vulnerability. It’s a risk. There is no way to avoid that, is there? I sort of wonder if you would be punishing yourself more by not dating for a while just because this time it didn’t work out. I know hurting [censored]…I just don’t want you to hurt more on top of that. Are you sure its not fear talking instead?
Of course, there are many healthy reasons to pause on dating as well. So please don’t take this as my saying that you shouldn’t do that. I am just asking these questions in the hope that you can understand your reasons and do what is best for yourself.
I also agree that it’s better to not remain friends, but let him know you would love to hear from him again if/when he is ready to date. This gives you space and you would not be wasting your energy on something that may never happen (and I’m sure it would be hard to have friend feelings after all this time). If he needs to work on some things for himself, it gives him that space as well. You never know, he may come around again after he is ready. It really just might be too soon for him, even if he feels strongly about you. You said yourself that he sees how awesome you are. You are not just wanting anyone…you want the right one…and the right one that loves you back the way you need to be loved. He’s out there. I’m sure of it.
Hugs to you…
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Believe it or not, he went out of his way to see me on our last date. He was super excited, and it was a great day. We both said it. That was too much reality I think .
I don't doubt it at all. You're a catch.
This has nothing to do with you, you both know that.
This is why it infuriates me when people on this board keep encouraging those who are freshly single to get on OLD sites and put themselves out there. To me, advice like that has an unspoken message: "who cares man, if someone gets hurt? You're both adults. you're gonna get some, you're gonna get back out there. Yeah, go man, good for you! If it doesn't work out, who cares? You're here to get back in the game, man!"
What a bunch of absolute Bull, and this is a prime example of why. The selfishness and short-sightedness of that advice leads to a situation where one or both parties get hurt because the person who is freshly single simply isn't ready yet.
What's the short-cut? Going into the pain and fear of being alone, working on your $h!t and coming out the other side stronger, a better person, able to be a better partner. I applaud him for taking the time now to do so. I'm sad that you, G, are in this situation. If it's meant to be, it will be, when it's supposed to be.
Don't bother flaming me for posting this viewpoint, fellow readers. No one is going to change my mind about it, and I've got a full day of putting my life together after a near death experience this weekend, so I'm not going to be here to read about it or waste my precious time responding to it.
G, love you girl. You're the one who knows this guy. Any other comments about him, his personality, his motivations, are speculation, including my own.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
First off G I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you. This guy definitely did show some good signs. Something stinks here but I’m not quite sure what it is right now.
BF in response to your post I don’t think I have ever read anyone on the board say anything like you posted. Most people here suggest 1 year and honesty.
Thank you everyone. LH- I really don’t the need there is anything fishy going on at all. Definitely not getting back with wife. Thursday he was showing me some crazy texts she was sending to his sister. I quite truly believe he realized he was having some serious feelings and it’s not what he needs to be doing right now. I do believe he is the type who gets over a relationship with a new relationship and he doesn’t want to be that guy anymore. When he was ending things, I felt he didn’t want to, but he had to. And
In his defense on the dating too early part….. I met him on tinder. I would say he might have been looking for a hook up, but I don’t even. I think his intentions were as you say B-looking for someone to make him feel better maybe for a date and boost his self esteem. And he ended up with me. And I should know better on tinder. Rarely does something good come out of it. Neither of us expected this I guess but we both played with fire.
E- I do absolutely agree. When/if he reaches out in a friends level, I will let him know I cannot remain platonic friends and when he is ready to date for real, he knows where I am . As far as continuing to try to date others? I have too many things in my life right now giving me emotional ups and downs that I don’t think I can have another one on my plate. While I am a generally stable person, I feel like I have too many situations that are unstable right now.
Honestly, I felt vulnerable and safe with him. I haven’t allowed that in so long. And if I’m being honest, I don’t think this is the end for us. I mean, it very well could be, my gut says it isn’t ( my gut has still been right 99.9% of the time. But that won’t stop me from holding back on anything else. I’m just not going to be available to him and do the “ pick me!” Thing. I’m over that. I’m worth enough to not have to win it, or be available for it or try so hard for it. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
For now? I have some career decisions to make . I don’t think the interview went great at that one I had. Not bad, but not great, because I really stink at a half phone half video meeting. But at my other hospital I work at, the director position has been filled by the hospice liaison it my current job, and one of the supervisors there is coming to my main hospital ( took a slower part time job because of kids) so her position is available so my new director is encouraging me to apply when they post it. If that makes any sense. So I’m considering it .
V- to speak to your observation on my current position. I do love the hospital inwork in and I do love my coworkers and that’s what makes my job so tolerable. I have been around and if you don’t have good coworkers, you won’t really be happy. But even after Friday , I feel fed up with it. We keep getting more thrown our plates, can’t get it done in the 8 hour work day, and everything falls apart or changes an hour before I leave and I’m expected to stay. And I don’t get paid to do so. I’m tired of it. But I have thought the grass would be greener on the other side but it never really is. So I am hesitant to make a move.
I also know that I cannot work so many jobs and hours anymore. I can’t do it. I’m always working. But I don’t have much of a choice.
Life has been a challenge for me most of it. Spending most of your life in survival mode is absolutely exhausting. And it’s also aging me.
I do need IC that much I know. I have been letting my stress sleep out in tears and my kid has seen it and I think she’s getting worried . It’s a lot to carry alone. So maybe I can unload some on an IC.
When I leave my very mentally stressful job, I come home to my second job. But my brain stops working. It’s too exhausted. I get my gym time in which I need, but that puts a dent in everything else I have to do. I have this week off, and it’s basically catching up on life.
Enough complaining. At least yesterday was a fun concert night, today is a bike ride, mani pedi, then driving my working girl around to babysitting
