Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the only thing that may effect your W.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
In terms of her feeling differently -- when you first met she didn't instantly want to marry you, then you got married and she didn't want to leave you, then at some point she did want to leave you. She was stubborn the whole time, made three decisions there and changed her feelings about the first two. That should prove to you that her feelings do change, and despite how she feels now, or what she says now, she may feel and do completely different things in the future. You have hard evidence of that.
The ride is just beginning. She won't be done with you for a long time, nor will you be done with her. Since you have children together you will be intermeshed for years.
Thanks for all the nuggets of wisdom in this post. I guess what I'm stuck on is (yet again) both of us being tied to the house and kids. She doesn't want to be the one to leave...I don't want to be the one to leave.
I almost wonder if BL42's situation would be better - like ripping off a bandaid. I don't doubt that whole process was painful as can be, but from what I recall, his W got TF outta there. Yes, she was the one to go and he claimed the house, but it was certainly decisive. I dunno.
That's a good point. At this juncture, I'm just trying to get out of the next MC appointment by whatever means possible. Granted, she can't force me into the car, but I'd like for it to stop being a point of contention. I tried saying I wanted to fixate on IC for now, but she seems pretty latched on, thinking the MC is going to help nudge me toward the door (of my own house).
Hello Doug,
"Trying to get out of MC" sounds co-dependent. It invites attempts to manipulate you. A firm "No" is less contentious. Say it once, then stop talking. An argument requires two people.
If it helps, imagine your son has asked for something outlandish--like driving your car at age 6. He really wants to. It's important to him after watching Lightning McQueen. After you say no, he's angry and sad. Level 1: Can you be firm with your decision and neither get "volatile" nor hand him the car keys? Level 2: Can you listen and validate how he expressed he feels without making light of him, nor ever entertaining the notion of choosing a different outcome?
I guess what I'm stuck on is (yet again) both of us being tied to the house and kids. She doesn't want to be the one to leave...I don't want to be the one to leave.
My EXW stuck around with one foot on the door for two and a half years. I am divorced, still alive and living a great life.
Originally Posted by Doug54
I almost wonder if BL42's situation would be better - like ripping off a bandaid. I don't doubt that whole process was painful as can be, but from what I recall, his W got TF outta there. Yes, she was the one to go and he claimed the house, but it was certainly decisive. I dunno.
BL's EXW was out of there quick, he is divorced, still alive and living a great life.
That's a good point. At this juncture, I'm just trying to get out of the next MC appointment by whatever means possible. Granted, she can't force me into the car, but I'd like for it to stop being a point of contention. I tried saying I wanted to fixate on IC for now, but she seems pretty latched on, thinking the MC is going to help nudge me toward the door (of my own house).
Hello Doug,
"Trying to get out of MC" sounds co-dependent. It invites attempts to manipulate you. A firm "No" is less contentious. Say it once, then stop talking. An argument requires two people.
If it helps, imagine your son has asked for something outlandish--like driving your car at age 6. He really wants to. It's important to him after watching Lightning McQueen. After you say no, he's angry and sad. Level 1: Can you be firm with your decision and neither get "volatile" nor hand him the car keys? Level 2: Can you listen and validate how he expressed he feels without making light of him, nor ever entertaining the notion of choosing a different outcome?
Thank you for pointing out the co-dependent slant of my wording. You aren't wrong.
I will do my best to validate and stay even-keeled if and when the conversation comes back up. Good tip.
My EXW stuck around with one foot on the door for two and a half years. I am divorced, still alive and living a great life.
Interesting. Would you mind sharing what those two and a half years were like? Was it a SSM? Was it torture being around her?
Quote
BL's EXW was out of there quick, he is divorced, still alive and living a great life.
Do you see the theme here Doug?
Yes, I do see the theme. SteveLW advised getting over one's fear of D and things would get easier after that. Still working on it, but hopefully making incremental progress.
Interesting. Would you mind sharing what those two and a half years were like? Was it a SSM? Was it torture being around her?
So the two and a half years was brutal when I thought I could control the outcome. Meaning 180s to show her I had changed in areas I thought I had slacked in. Once I accepted I couldn't change her mind it wasn't that bad. Nah we actually had sex up until 6 days before she left. As far a WWs go she wasn't that bad to be around. I don't think she hates/hated me she just wanted to feel the butterflies again. At least that is what she told me.
Doug I am not going to lie your W has check out and will probably not be checking back in anytime soon. Either way you will survive and your life will be 10,000 times better than it is at this moment.
I was on a similar 2.5 year timeline from BD to D. Things were very tense until my W got the separation agreement signed and we had agreed on nesting. I was DBing and eventually her anger sub-sided. In retrospect, D was inevitable for us and she would never get the feelings like she wanted. Our relationship and interaction improved and we still had sex, but Recon was never really on the table. Nesting initially for a year worked because we both had free places to stay. Until you guys get something worked out its likely to be tense. Just always do what's good for you and the kids. Nesting isn't ideal, but I would not move out like she initially asked. Her mind was in a strange place and she would do anything to get away if that makes sense. Very tense for her emotionally. Eventually, W got her own place and I stayed, but we had to separate finances then. I wanted to hold that off until the end so she didn't know how much money she was needing. Anyways...for me I can't see living with someone that wants to leave, but just do what is best for you and the kids.
Interesting. Would you mind sharing what those two and a half years were like? Was it a SSM? Was it torture being around her?
So the two and a half years was brutal when I thought I could control the outcome. Meaning 180s to show her I had changed in areas I thought I had slacked in. Once I accepted I couldn't change her mind it wasn't that bad. Nah we actually had sex up until 6 days before she left. As far a WWs go she wasn't that bad to be around. I don't think she hates/hated me she just wanted to feel the butterflies again. At least that is what she told me.
Doug I am not going to lie your W has check out and will probably not be checking back in anytime soon. Either way you will survive and your life will be 10,000 times better than it is at this moment.
Thanks, LH19. I really appreciate your input, especially in light of the similarities I can identify between your situation and mine. Do you happen to have a thread detailing how things transpired for you?
I notice in your signature you’ve been married 16 years. Is that to your second W? Did your 2.5 years of limbo occur in the 1990’s?
When things first began unfolding (more like unraveling) for me, before I had read DR or came to this board, I would use daily interactions with the W and things like frequency of sex to say to myself, “Hey- we’re knocking boots with gusto! How bad can things be?” Obviously it helps situate things for me to read your account, that the sex was there but the die had already been cast.
Did you & your ex-wife realize things were going to drag for as long as they did, or is that just how it wound up happening? Were there kids in the household? Did she pressure you to be the one to move out?
Do you happen to have a thread detailing how things transpired for you?
My thread was at the tail end of my sitch right before my EW filed. Once she filed I pretty much stopped on my own thread.
Originally Posted by Doug54
I notice in your signature you’ve been married 16 years. Is that to your second W? Did your 2.5 years of limbo occur in the 1990’s?
No just not updated. My sitch started 2014 and D was final 2018.
Originally Posted by Doug54
When things first began unfolding (more like unraveling) for me, before I had read DR or came to this board, I would use daily interactions with the W and things like frequency of sex to say to myself, “Hey- we’re knocking boots with gusto! How bad can things be?”
Yep for sure. I did for awhile and would touch the hot stove and realized nothing changed.
Originally Posted by Doug54
Did you & your ex-wife realize things were going to drag for as long as they did, or is that just how it wound up happening?
Well I busted up her first EA and than she coasted for another year and a half until what I now believe she found her second EA probably PA. Then we lived together for over a year after she filed.
Originally Posted by Doug54
Were there kids in the household?
Yeah the kids didn't know right up to when she was ready to move out. We still ate dinner together and held a decent front though I am sure they knew something was up.
Originally Posted by Doug54
Did she pressure you to be the one to move out?
She wanted to legally separate and nest. I opted to D and don't regret it for a second. Life with someone who wants out is the most horrible situation I have ever been in to date.
I don't regret fighting for my family but I do regret trying to convince her to stay in my life if that makes sense?
