I'm sorry, it's me again, but I have a question that has been really bothering me and it's why I resist going dark and in fact, had been thinking of asking if we could have regular meet-ups. The question is related to this rule of Sandi's:
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
If I don't schedule a meet-up, we NEVER see each other. If I don't initiate a text, we NEVER speak. Therefore, how on earth can the R get "much better" during total radio silence and never seeing each other? This is what I'm struggling so much to understand. I almost start to panic at the idea that I will never be able to implement divorce busting strategies if I never see or hear from him. It doesn't help that he keeps making comments about moving overseas.
Can anyone help me understand this? Thank you!
Me:52 WAH/MLCer:54 T:8 years M:5 years Kids: None BD/Move out day: 4/16/22 Emotional affair discovery: 10/01/22
Hi everyone, I posted a couple of responses here the other day but they never appeared so I am trying again and really hope this response shows up!
Thank you so much for your feedback.
There are so many reasons I know there is no OW but I don’t want to make my entire response consist of me pointing out why there is no OW. There truly isn’t. This is not me being naiive; this is what his very good friends have also told me. He also recently arrived back after off a long-haul flight to see his family in his home country and three hours off the flight, I found him sitting in a bar watching a game with his (male) friends. On the rare occasions I bump into him, he is alone or with male friends. And, despite the pain he is causing me right now, he has never lied to me and I trust he is not lying now. I have asked him on more than one occasion to tell me if there is someone else. He has vowed this is not and there never was. He has promised to tell me if there ever is, before I find out any other way. Anyway, I won’t go on. I am satisfied there is no OW. I am also aware that could change.
Our lunch on Sunday turned into about 5 hours together. After a great lunch, with no relationship talk, just lots of laughter and light chat, we went for a drive. Then we stopped somewhere for a drink. Then another drive, then another stop for a few games of pool. However, I will admit that all the suggestions of going somewhere (to extend our time together) came from me, not him. Perhaps if I hadn’t, he would have just dropped me home after an hour or so of lunch and that would have been that. I have no way of knowing but I will say that each time (twice in total) I suggested going somewhere else, he agreed pretty quickly, without hesitation.
He talked to me about his visit home. I knew his friends had talked to him during that time as several of them have spoken to me (including his best friend) to say they think he’s making a huge mistake and that they have told him to think very carefully about what he’s doing. However, he obviously does not know that his friends have spoken to me (I know this is also not a good DB strategy.)
Over lunch the other day, when he talked about meeting up with his friends while he was home, I asked what they had said when he told them about our split. I wanted to see if he’d just brush it off by saying something like, “oh, they were just sorry to hear it”. Instead, he was completely honest with me and replied with, “they all told me to think carefully about what I’m doing and make sure I’m not making a mistake”. I really did appreciate that honesty. Rightly or wrongly, I took some hope from it – that maybe their words hit home and he is doing some thinking. Of course, I don’t know.
I just replied casually with, “well, that’s good advice” and left it at that. Of course, now I regret not asking him if he is thinking hard about things as they suggested or if he has already made up his mind. But that would have been relationship talk. He dropped me home after our day together. We live on a beautiful tropical island, where people frequently go to the beach in the evening to watch the sunset – something we did a lot of before BD. I told him I might take the dog to the beach for sunset and asked if he wanted to join. At that point, he declined and said he had to get home. Then he added, “but maybe during the week?” I said that would be nice.
His dad makes pickles and he gave me a jar of pickled onions his father had made for me as he knows (the father does) that I like them. After my husband left, I decided to try one but couldn’t get the jar open – the lid was screwed so tight. I sent him a message joking about being unable to open the jar. He replied with, “I will fix for you x”. Not trying to read into anything, but he rarely puts kisses at the end of messages to me since the separation.
The following morning (Monday) I sent him a funny video of our cat. He did not reply. It’s been over hours and I’ve heard nothing. I keep thinking about how he’d said maybe a trip to the beach for sunset during the week might be an option but I’m telling myself not to suggest it – leave it to him. I fear he won’t. There is also a chance he may have to go overseas for business this week (only around 3 days as not far), in which case the beach wouldn’t happen anyway. My worry is that I won’t know either way if he doesn’t contact me.
My longest period of not initiating contact was just 12 days. During that time, he didn’t contact me. It was hell on earth.
I have tried so much already. I am working on myself, accept my role in the marriage breakdown, etc I have done a 180 – flew to NYC (a 30 hour journey from where we live) out of the blue while he was away visiting his family. He was shocked when he found out, but it made no difference to anything really, just lightened my bank balance significantly!
We hardly ever see each other unless I suggest it. He also keeps mentioning that he might move overseas. This kills me. I don’t know what to do. Sorry this is so long.
One thing I forgot to mention is that several of his friends and family members told me that he broke down crying while talking to them about us. He has done the same to me a few times I've tried to have the relationship talk.
Me:52 WAH/MLCer:54 T:8 years M:5 years Kids: None BD/Move out day: 4/16/22 Emotional affair discovery: 10/01/22
To add, he has left all his stuff here since he walked out in April. All he has with him are some clothes and his toothbrush and shaver. He even left all his aftershave here and when I do see him, he usually looks unshaven, tired, stressed. I mean, really, I do not think there is someone else... He is staying in a tiny condo he has described as a "sh*thole" (sorry, I hope that's allowed!).
He has continued to wear his wedding ring through all of this. I don't know if I should read anything in to that.
Anyway, I have had a few calls with coach Joann but the last one was in June, so I have booked another for a few days' time.
Another thing: my husband was diagnosed with ADHD shortly after BD. I have since read so much online about how undiagnosed ADHD can destroy a marriage. I feel so sad that we now have a diagnosis that explains what was causing (most of) our problems and that he doesn't appear to want to use that to fix how we interact and save our marriage.
Last edited by Reeling; 07/26/2203:56 AM.
Me:52 WAH/MLCer:54 T:8 years M:5 years Kids: None BD/Move out day: 4/16/22 Emotional affair discovery: 10/01/22
To add, he has left all his stuff here since he walked out in April. All he has with him are some clothes and his toothbrush and shaver. He even left all his aftershave here and when I do see him, he usually looks unshaven, tired, stressed. I mean, really, I do not think there is someone else... He is staying in a tiny condo he has described as a "sh*thole" (sorry, I hope that's allowed!).
He has continued to wear his wedding ring through all of this. I don't know if I should read anything in to that.
Anyway, I have had a few calls with coach Joann but the last one was in June, so I have booked another for a few days' time.
Another thing: my husband was diagnosed with ADHD shortly after BD. I have since read so much online about how undiagnosed ADHD can destroy a marriage. I feel so sad that we now have a diagnosis that explains what was causing (most of) our problems and that he doesn't appear to want to use that to fix how we interact and save our marriage.
So sorry to hear you're in this situation. Seems like you're handling this really well. It's awful feeling this way - especially seeing glimmers of hope (eg, wedding ring). I also recommend not talking to friends/family. Echoing what they said, it doesn't really help much. It's the WAH/MLC problem and nobody else's words will help.
I wanted to ask - who is Joann? I thought DB didn't have coaches anymore.
Thank you for your response, Newborn. I honestly don't know if DB offer coaches anymore - I was referred to Joann after I emailed Michele to ask about coaching.
Joann is great, very enthusiastic and lifts me up when I'm in the pit of despair. I haven't spoken to her for some time now as I did a 180/doing something different/shock and awe by jetting off to NYC without telling my husband. Not sure it had any effect, but he was also out of the country visiting his family so there was very little contact between us. For that reason, I didn't see the point in talking to Joann.
However, now that I am trying to resume contact/meetings with my husband, I need her guidance.
I'm so conflicted and the advice online and from friends is so contradictory. In some places, I read that I should go dark/no contact (particularly as I instigate 99% of our contact). In other places, I read that no contact might work for more casual "dating" type relationships, but not to fix a marriage, where the focus should be on restoring good communication. But what if I'm the only one instigating that communication?
At the same time, I don't want to look back on this time years from now and wish I'd just stopped spending so much time waiting waiting waiting for things to change and my husband to come back. I worry that I will regret not just sitting him down and trying to get him to agree to marriage coaching with me - even if he doesn't move back home straight away. Sometimes I feel his mind is made up, at other times I can sense real conflict within him. It's that sense of internal conflict in him that gives me hope but am I imagining it...
Me:52 WAH/MLCer:54 T:8 years M:5 years Kids: None BD/Move out day: 4/16/22 Emotional affair discovery: 10/01/22
In some places, I read that I should go dark/no contact (particularly as I instigate 99% of our contact). In other places, I read that no contact might work for more casual "dating" type relationships, but not to fix a marriage
Ultimately you have to figure out what works for you. What works is typically counter intuitive. Even the definition of "what works" will change for you as you move through this process.
Would it be better to be scarce and let him miss you, or be in his presence and be the blame of his unhappiness? These are the type of question you can ask yourself.
You have been given a gift (Even if you can't see it now). Take the focus of your H and focus on finding your happy without him.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Take the focus of your H and focus on finding your happy without him.
Thanks Ready2Change. Right now, I cannot imagine living without him, that's the problem. I literally feel like I have a huge lump in my throat and the worst pain in my heart. I am just trying to get through each day without sobbing. I am constantly fighting the urge to ask him to meet me and then have "The Talk". I am so conflicted.
Thank you for listening.
Me:52 WAH/MLCer:54 T:8 years M:5 years Kids: None BD/Move out day: 4/16/22 Emotional affair discovery: 10/01/22
