It is all bull$hit, she is in the entitlement mode. She is throwing tantrums like a little child. It was not a false alarm, not by a long shot. The only reason she agreed to MC is that she will have an excuse. "I tried" she will say, "but it just confirmed that we should part" will be the second half of the statement.
I bet I know who the "friend" is she isn't allowed to call. You friend did the right thing setting boundaries, but I am afraid it is too little too late. She's off the rails and the $hitshow is about to start. Your friend can't do anything to revert the course, he should focus on himseld, the kids and GAL, the wife will do as she pleases, there is no stopping her.
I hope I am wrong, but I see all the classical signs.
I dunno...she has stated that she wants to work in it...
Typically, if it smells like dog schidt, looks like dog schidt...it's probably dog schidt...
You are only hearing one side of the story though....
What also jumps out at me is that he laid a hard boundary about her talking with friends about this.
What friends ?
If it isn't the EA friend, then what is so different than him talking with you about it ?
The vacation arguments....???
Here's what a WAS would think....
SHE wants and maybe expects things to be different than what she wanted to get away from....
HE wants things to go back to normal....
A WAS/MLCer will never return to a situation they were trying to escape from...
So I dunno....
I always try to lead these situations toward trying to reconcile, rather than not...
DBing says to applaud the positive, from this day forward....
IF it blows up in his face ??
Yea...would any of us be here and be different without that catalyst for change?
I would coach him to see himself more clearly, and his role in wanting to see why she was planning the great escape, rather than coaching to ring a bell that can't be UN-rung....
Be a true friend to him , and tell him the truth. He has things that he could do differently too, and shoulders his 50% of this.
Come on G you are smarter than that and no it doesn't work that way. She lost attraction and it's not going to magically comeback right away. I know in your mind it's the LBS fault and yes I am sure he wasn't perfect and has some 180s to work on.
I agree with what Mach said but it doesn't hurt to consult a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.
Ginger, did you not read that the wife was upset, because she was not "allowed" to talk to her "friend"? If this is not a clear indicator what's going on, then I do not know what is.
If they are serious about MC, then there can be NO CONTACT with the EA, or that just resets the clock. 95% of time the temptation will be too great to avoid the lure of the contact and the circle revolves once again.
My Ex said that se tried to break it off with the OM more than 40 times, but the "butterflies" were just too strong. Our kids were 4 and 2 at the time. Needles to say I was in a special kind of hell back then.
Am I biased from my own situation? Sure. Is there a chance I am wrong about BL friend's situation? Sure. But this experience of mine gave me a couple of super powers (I am practically an Avenger), and two of them are 1, a gift to smell buII$hit from 30 miles and second is a MLC detector, I can spot people in MLC faster than a labrador devouring a hot dog.
And Mach, I could not disagree with him more. He want's to give the wife the benefit of the doubt. Fine, but too little, too late. The wife has checked out.
Men are fixers. BL's friend will try to "fix" things, shower the wife with attention, flowers, romance, but that will just piss her off further. While it is true that the bears some responibility for the situation, and he should own his part in the troubles, he should focus on his children, his sanity and his work.
And Mach, I could not disagree with him more. He want's to give the wife the benefit of the doubt. Fine, but too little, too late. The wife has checked out.
You don't know that she is checked out.....
You don't know the friend is the EA...
None of us know that....
Saying that, is speculative, unless of course YOU are this man's wife....
And yes, the benefit of doubt in any situation where the WAS says that she wants to work on a marriage, and her actions show that she is willing to be in a family setting in order to do that.
The "friend" she was referring to was obviously the EA guy; my buddy isn't trying to control her from talking to her girlfriends. My hope is she's being sincere about MC and cutting off contact, but my gut says LH and Vapo are right. My spidey sense is tingling, saying he's naïvely projecting his desire for things to be better onto his sitch, but hopefully I'm just biased and jaded from my own sitch and he's right. Time will tell. In the meantime I'm trying to coach him a bit on listening/empathizing instead of debating logically / fixing, as well as working on himself. According to him her parents background wasn't necessarily happy but they stayed together, so maybe that's a better model than if he parents had multiaaple affairs/Ds and will give her a bit more pause on pulling any triggers.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
The "friend" she was referring to was obviously the EA guy; my buddy isn't trying to control her from talking to her girlfriends. My hope is she's being sincere about MC and cutting off contact, but my gut says LH and Vapo are right. My spidey sense is tingling, saying he's naïvely projecting his desire for things to be better onto his sitch, but hopefully I'm just biased and jaded from my own sitch and he's right. Time will tell. In the meantime I'm trying to coach him a bit on listening/empathizing instead of debating logically / fixing, as well as working on himself. According to him her parents background wasn't necessarily happy but they stayed together, so maybe that's a better model than if he parents had multiaaple affairs/Ds and will give her a bit more pause on pulling any triggers.
Mine does too....
It tells me that everything isn't on the table, and it wants to tell him to bail...
Thing is...
Blowing it all to He!! has ONE outcome....
The other stuff will give him more available options...
