Hi Everyone, I feel it has been centuries ago since I last posted. I have been busier than usual with more and more visitors coming to see the baby in the last few weeks. Handling a baby and a toddler basically on my own has been challenging, but thankfully I think I am more prepared for it. I am lucky to be able to get some help when needed and thankful that there are so many different gadgets and devices out there to help with newborns these days (and to be able to afford it, I guess).
H has been very helpful. I am also so very grateful that he is there. He cooks, takes care of the children, cleans up and has been doing errands for me. He is however, still here. We had the conversation about co-parenting. I told him that I cannot think about our relationship as how it was and he was respectful of that.
Recently, however he seems to be back to re-writing history; telling me that he didn't say that he wanted divorce because "everybody has a divorce, why can't I" and accusing that I took it wrongly that what he meant was that I should accept relationships can go through divorce. I am a bit worried about telling him to really move out of fear that he will get angry and I will have to be stuck to dealing with my children alone again. He has been sweet, and I am a little worried what to do if he is not around, especially as son is close to him. I know some friends have told me I just need to be rational, but I found myself walking on eggshells about relationship-related talks with him. I really don't know what his reactions would be.
Yesterday I talked about there is not a lot of space in the apartment to sort of segue into the conversation of him moving out. H got upset saying he has done a lot of effort, he has been helpful, he has helped clear out stuff and he was hurt. I know I should have been more controlled and calm, but at that time I was completely hurt. How dare he even used the word 'hurt' when it was me who had to deal with the broken marriage, the cheating husband, pregnancy and abandoned toddler? I was the one who had to pick up the pieces and console my son when my H left because he kept asking where daddy was, and all of these had happened not once, but twice. I didn't say anything to H then, I just retreated to my room and stopped communicating to him for the night.
My question is, how do I bring it up again or how do I make him understand the gravity of what he has done without upsetting him but also without being a doormat?
I lot of the time people end up here because they spent the relationship invalidating the WS’ feelings. Accept that your H was hurting which lead him to do what he did. Is it a good excuse for his behavior? Nope. Is it fair that he hurt you worse? Nope. I always tell LBS that when they choose to reconcile and it is questionable whether there is remorse they are going to have to eat a lot of $hit sandwiches. Does that $uck? Yep.
I get the feeling you want to punish him for what he did to you. Is there truth in it?
Hi Everyone, I feel it has been centuries ago since I last posted. I have been busier than usual with more and more visitors coming to see the baby in the last few weeks. Handling a baby and a toddler basically on my own has been challenging, but thankfully I think I am more prepared for it. I am lucky to be able to get some help when needed and thankful that there are so many different gadgets and devices out there to help with newborns these days (and to be able to afford it, I guess).
I'm glad you have support. It will help calm the fear and allow you to make the best decisions for YOU and the kids.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
H has been very helpful. I am also so very grateful that he is there. He cooks, takes care of the children, cleans up and has been doing errands for me. He is however, still here. We had the conversation about co-parenting. I told him that I cannot think about our relationship as how it was and he was respectful of that.
Good job. Parenting has nothing to do with the relationship. We have a saying around here to "applaud the 1%". Continue to do that but stay grounded that him helping out isn't "special". This is what all responsible parents should do.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
Recently, however he seems to be back to re-writing history; telling me that he didn't say that he wanted divorce because "everybody has a divorce, why can't I" and accusing that I took it wrongly that what he meant was that I should accept relationships can go through divorce. I am a bit worried about telling him to really move out of fear that he will get angry and I will have to be stuck to dealing with my children alone again. He has been sweet, and I am a little worried what to do if he is not around, especially as son is close to him. I know some friends have told me I just need to be rational, but I found myself walking on eggshells about relationship-related talks with him. I really don't know what his reactions would be.
I don't have kids but I do know what it's like to walk on eggshells. It's no way to live.
AK - you have no control over what H does. You constantly adjusting your feeling and communication out of way to "control" his behavior is a false safety net. If he wants to find a reason to leave...he will...
Originally Posted by AnnKay
Yesterday I talked about there is not a lot of space in the apartment to sort of segue into the conversation of him moving out. H got upset saying he has done a lot of effort, he has been helpful, he has helped clear out stuff and he was hurt. I know I should have been more controlled and calm, but at that time I was completely hurt. How dare he even used the word 'hurt' when it was me who had to deal with the broken marriage, the cheating husband, pregnancy and abandoned toddler? I was the one who had to pick up the pieces and console my son when my H left because he kept asking where daddy was, and all of these had happened not once, but twice. I didn't say anything to H then, I just retreated to my room and stopped communicating to him for the night.
This is a good example. Sure he may be going through the motions of work.. but his heart is very much still a WAS. You did a great job walking away.
Anger is good. It is a warning signal to tell us something is wrong!
Originally Posted by AnnKay
My question is, how do I bring it up again or how do I make him understand the gravity of what he has done without upsetting him but also without being a doormat?
This is out of your control. He's not ready to hear it yet. I would suggest letting the conversation go for now.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Are you legitimately afraid if his anger ( as in concerned he might cause you harm)? Or is it just uncomfortable to be around him if he has those feelings?
I would stay away from debating with him what he did or didn’t say or what he did or didn’t mean. They don’t remember half of what they said anyway.
If you have a clear timeline in which you would like him to move out, then send that to him in writing. That can help keep emotions in check. If you’re ambivalent because if the help he’s giving, then don’t bring it up until you’re ready to give him a timeline.
My question is, how do I bring it up again or how do I make him understand the gravity of what he has done without upsetting him but also without being a doormat?
I know the feeling! Would love to tell off the STBX but appreciate his help when needed. Sorry we're in the same boat.
I just ask myself: Is it worth losing the help around the house to call him out on his terrible behavior? If not, just put up with him for now until you can come up with plan B i'm afraid.
Your H's affair ended and he moved back in with you, right? And you say he's been helpful and sweet? Don't get me wrong his affair while you were pregnant was abhorrent and he definitely needs to work hard to prove himself, but this is a Divorce Busting site. It sounds like your hurt/anger/resentment for his actions is now causing you to become the distancer in asking him to leave. Perhaps IC could help you work through that? I know you have a lot on your plate right now with the toddler and newborn - you don't need to make any major decisions now - but you might consider continuing to accept his help with the kids and see how his actions related to your relationship play out.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Your H's affair ended and he moved back in with you, right? And you say he's been helpful and sweet? Don't get me wrong his affair while you were pregnant was abhorrent and he definitely needs to work hard to prove himself, but this is a Divorce Busting site. It sounds like your hurt/anger/resentment for his actions is now causing you to become the distancer in asking him to leave.
It is true that I feel too hurt to be comfortable around having him around and I had this conversation with him. We have also discussed about what he needs to do and what we need to work together (including showing he has cut communication and ended relationship with OW and working to be more transparent financially and everything else). He has not yet done anything to address this at all. I don't like to demand too much as I will come across as nagging. H also expressed concerns about going on MC. In this conversation he agreed on moving out while we work on things, but this has not happened either. I just have this scary feeling of being a doormat again where he thinks he could do all he wants including leaving me and son twice while I was pregnant and can still come back whenever he pleases without as much as doing any effort. I am not sure if that makes me a distancer as it is something we have both discussed and agreed to, although maybe my interpretation is not thoroughly correct.
Originally Posted by BL42
know you have a lot on your plate right now with the toddler and newborn - you don't need to make any major decisions now - but you might consider continuing to accept his help with the kids and see how his actions related to your relationship play out.
I intend to do this at the moment, and as other posters pointed out as well, I don't have to make any major decisions now. It is just tiring sometimes when I already have a lot to worry about and still feel like I have to watch what I do and say around H.
I lot of the time people end up here because they spent the relationship invalidating the WS’ feelings. Accept that your H was hurting which lead him to do what he did. Is it a good excuse for his behavior? Nope. Is it fair that he hurt you worse? Nope. I always tell LBS that when they choose to reconcile and it is questionable whether there is remorse they are going to have to eat a lot of $hit sandwiches. Does that $uck? Yep.
This resonates to what I am feeling now. Yes it is a lot of *hit sandwiches that I don't think I deserve. I'm not sure at what extend I should stand this because a marriage shouldn't involve having to bear whatever c**p the other person throw at you for the sake of staying together. I guess also at the moment I just have a lot on my plate as well as being isolated by maternity leave that I am wondering, why do I even want to take him back that he doesn't even feel the gravity of what he's done while I know I will feel it forever?
Originally Posted by LH19
get the feeling you want to punish him for what he did to you. Is there truth in it?
Maybe not punishing, rather I want him to understand and acknowledge what he's done and what it makes me feel, and what it makes his son feels. If he doesn't understand and acknowledge this, how would we ever piece the marriage?
Are you legitimately afraid if his anger ( as in concerned he might cause you harm)? Or is it just uncomfortable to be around him if he has those feelings?
I'm just very uncomfortable to be around him when he's upset and I guess I still have some trauma from the time he left and betrayed me. It was 1 year after BD two days ago.
Originally Posted by kml
you have a clear timeline in which you would like him to move out, then send that to him in writing. That can help keep emotions in check. If you’re ambivalent because if the help he’s giving, then don’t bring it up until you’re ready to give him a timeline.
Thank you, kml for this suggestion. This is probably what I need to do. I am thinking of emailing him the summary/pointers of our discussion about the relationship and checklist of what we both need to do.
