Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (2)

[Valeska19]

V, over on the Surviving, the whole “the boards are not what they used to be” has been thrown around a few times recently, referring to the fact that the people on this forum can’t seem to hear some hard truths. I actually agree with tough love and do think some on here are a bit precious when receiving honest feedback.

What I don’t think is helpful is saying the boards aren’t what they used to be, back in the good ol days, etc. I feel like it alienates newbies and others. Like I said, things are as they are, if you don’t like it, work to change them rather than talk about how great they used to be. Not particularly directed at you V. Peter, apologies, the last of the hijack.

Ah thanks for clarifying OB as it did FEEL like it was directed at me based off of what I wrote. Appreciate you taking the time to respond.

[BL42]

I do wonder why I should live with this woman.

IHS is very difficult. My guess is physical separation is going bring you peace.

This is a new development on the boards over the past few years. We didn't always push for physical separation.

Not sure BL was pushing for physical separation. He stated his opinion, IHS is very difficult. From my experience I totally agree.

I certainly didn't intend for my post to be an endorsement of separation. I'm all for DB'ing and saving marriages. PeterB was venting about all the difficult interactions he had during IHS and I was simply saying he'll get some relief/peace from that if separation happens (which it more than likely will).

[BL42]

PeterB,

- She started asking me in interview style to tell her how I have changed relative to the weeks post BD date and relative to my entire life pre-BD. and if those changes are going to be permanent. I'm not inclined to answering these because I don't want to present the answers as if to make a case that she should stay with me.

Good thought. You don't want to be interviewed about whether she should divorce you or not. You already got married. Her emotions have to lead her to staying married. It's not a logical checkbox if you answer all the questions right.

She asked me what would I do if she decides to give this marriage a chance. I told her I will figure that out if and when it comes to that. Is that an okay answer?

Sounds like a good answer to me. Seems like a bit of a test. You don't want to jump all over it and say "Yes, yes, yes!", but don't dismiss it either. Keep it mysterious, something like "I have a lot to think about".

- She also went into the usual soliloquy on why she had to leave me, sending subtle insults my way. I was also working on my computer at this time so intermittently I would press a few keys or scroll. At one point I thought the discussion ended so I started working again.

Remember validation. Don't necessarily agree with what she says, but validate her emotions are valid. Woman want you to listen, hear, and understand them. Not sure pivoting back to your computer was smart. That says you're not listening.

I found out when she suddenly jumped out of her lying down position and shouted profanities at me, saying that I'm being dismissive, answering in short phrases and not making eye contact.

Shouting profanities might be grounds for you walking away. Enforce your boundaries. That says, if you were working on your computer while she was trying to talk she may have a valid point.

Should I talk to her and set some rules on further discussions and that I'm not averse to discussing. If yes, what would these rules be?

Less talk, more action. If she initiates listen and validate. Otherwise focus on yourself: 180s, GAL...etc.

[Cadet]

Start a new thread


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