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Originally Posted by Eagle3
Mom will be there to "KHA"

LOL!


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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I haven't posted anything on my thread for 3 weeks now, the main reason being we had the big move these past few weeks.
And I am proud to say that we finally live in our new home!
I started about 3 weeks ago to fill boxes and bring them to our new home to unpack them, bit by bit. In this way, I managed to move all the small things that we did not need immediately and got rid of everything we did not need anymore.
The plan was then to move all the big items in two days this week. But we managed to do it all in one day. I had a lot of help from family and friends so everything went really smoothly.
These past days then I finished cleaning the old house, this for the new owners to move in (normally everything will be finalised the 4th of August) and to put everything in place in my new home. My BFF was a huge support to me and helped everywhere she could. She may definitely expect a surprise trip to show my appreciation for what she did for me.

Mentally I am in a really good position, the twins are also very happy to finally have a "home" again, because that is how it really feels, from the very first night.
The strange thing is that I thought it would hurt me emotionally to leave the old house, but strangely enough it felt like a relief. Of course that house was the very place where everything started (remember it was a newbuilt home with G only 3,5 years ago and from the moment we lived there MLC hit hard), maybe that is why it was so much easier to leave behind.

S18 is in a difficult phase. Also starting to rebel against me. It will be a challenge to guide him but I was expecting it so we will get through this for sure. Puberty plays a huge role but also the loss of his F in one of his most important years has made huge scars so I sincerely hope he will manage to find a way to deal with this. He know I’m there if needed although he doesn’t allow me in at the moment. His behaviour is so much like his F in the deepest of his MLC period. There surely is a link between MLC behaviour and puberty so it seems.

Also some interesting things to report on G.
Originally Posted by DnJ
A crisis is a life transition gone into overdrive. G has had several positive encounters and events. Speaking with childhood counselor, seeing and visiting with his Dad, for example. He acknowledges his path and faults and desire to heal. Plenty of steps have been taken along his journey. I do hope he does not run back into the tunnel, and remains facing things. Those messages to kids, are also messages to himself.
G is still following the path of healing so it seems. Apparently he broke it off completely with OW2, they are no longer together. This is a very important fact for me.
He keeps seeking contact with the children, and has seen all of them twice in the past 2 weeks.
Contact with his father seems to increase. They see each other on a weekly basis now, they go for a long walk once a week.
Once in a while he meets up with his best friend again, he has also unexpectedly seen my sister and he went to her on his own to talk to her, obviously not a deep conversation as they were not alone, but still warm and sincere.

This week I had asked him to pick up his furniture, the last time I saw him was 1 month ago during our dinner, now it was in the morning, and man, was I shocked to see him. He looks at least 10 years older, gained a lot of weight is a very short period of time (stopped working out completely) and looked so unhappy. This in huge contrast to myself, well trained, well groomed, happy and, according to many, looking 10 years younger. So you see how important it is to follow DB's advice, which is GAL, GAL and more GAL!

That evening he also sent me a very nice message. This went as follows:
"I will write you a letter later but wanted to already mention that today was not 100% obvious for me. I don't think it was for you either (which wasn't the case, he forgets that I'm much further ahead than him)
I would like to say right now that I think you are an incredibly strong person and congratulations on how you dealt with everything. I hope you know that I will always be there for you if you need me and I really want to thank you for everything you have done for me and are still doing. As mentioned above you can expect a letter soon, I will however have to think more about this and how I will word everything but I wish you all the best and I will always love you."(behind that an emoji of a hug)
I replied as follows:
Thank you for your lovely message, will be the woman of few words for once as I would like to await your letter. You know that for the past three years I have always stood by my position and I am not changing it now. My love for you is there and it will remain there, in whatever capacity. As already said and written, we cannot change the past but we do not have to remain stuck in it. You know I am there for you when you need me.

I’ve let me sister read his message and she says this is the start of him realizing what he has done and what he has lost. She says he will be wanting to come back. I don’t know what to think. I will just live my good life and see what the future brings.

Only 2 weeks work to go and then off for a 2 week holiday to Scotland with the kids and my good friends. Looking forward to that!


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - .... OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
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Hi Eagle,

Glad to hear you are loving your new place and the progress with you ex. A sweet message from him…and I wonder what more will be revealed in the longer letter he mentioned? Kind of shocking that he changed so much from your dinner together. Did he seem deeply in depression? I’m sure that his awakening to what he’s done as well as the ending of his relationship with OW2 weighs on him. I hope he is sincere in his actions and maybe he has hit rock bottom and that could be a good thing, for what it can teach us and how it can drive real change.

Moving is exhausting! But it does have a good side in setting up the new place the way you want it, and that excitement of making it your own.

S18, it’s a very tough time…puberty, stretching for independence, hormones. Lol Sounds like you are well prepared, but that doesn’t make the feelings easier. Hang in there…it does get better!

Great to see your update! You have been missed!

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...



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Originally Posted by Eagle3
His behaviour is so much like his F in the deepest of his MLC period. There surely is a link between MLC behaviour and puberty so it seems.

whoa. yes. I've always thought this but ... exh's AP's first name is the same as his high school gf's ....

just kind of leapt off the page at me. I mean, I knew it but I never thought of it in terms of puberty.

anyway ... yeah.

Eagle, I'm so happy you and the boys are settling into your new HOME smile yay!

Your oldest son - it's so hard on them, isn't it? For my son, he had his dad on a pedestal and when exh fell off, it was a long way down and a hard crash. I'd like to say it will get better. it will, but not in our time. This is something for S18 to work out on his own, with guidance from you. All you can do is reassure him that you aren't going anywhere, and that you love him dearly. Knowing that, even if he doesn't acknowledge it at times, means more than we realize.

And a trip to Scotland - I've always wanted to go there. Keep doing what you're doing my friend. You're blazing a trail. Don't know if G will follow or not, but even if he doesn't, you're setting a fine example for your boys and you personally will be better than ok. I'm proud of you!

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Thx El and B!!!

Yes, I'm doing really well.

@El, no, depression was not really present when I saw him, in any case, not more than what I have seen these past years (it has always been present, and with times a lot). The reason why...see below. wink

These past days have been quite challenging with the sell of our house. Normally everything should have been signed yesterday but the buyer hasn't got the financial recourses released on time and it is postponed to Tuesday. Hopefully this will be arranged before I leave for holiday as I want to be able to go worry-free and I need the money of course.

Interesting fact was that I had to interact with EXH quite a lot. (I say EXH and not G for a reason, LOL)
I have seen him more in these 2 days than in the past 6 months. Interaction between us is good. We get along well, even went for a few drinks with the children. This way also their contact can become a bit closer again.
OW2 is out of the picture, but oh my...OW3 is there already.
Apparantely he was already cheating on OW2 with OW3 these past months. Don't ask how I know...yes, I have been snooping around but it doesn't affect me anymore. I wanted to know what was going on, if he was really coming out of the tunnel of if it was for another reason, well, now I know. I'm simply glad OW2 is not there anymore since for me this was an affair partner, OW3 is not since we are divorced.

Also that R is hidden at the moment, nobody knows about it. It's yet again a lady form the same country the other 2 came from (must be something he has issues with I guess)

So I call him EXH and not G since replay is still very active apparantely. For me, as long as he is cordial, friendly, and treats me well I don't care. Also no confrontation between the OW and children and it's all good for me for now.

So their is the pattern again:

New OW, lives it up again, is happy.
Result towards me: feeling guilty so extremely friendly, helpfull etc.
When trouble in paradise: blaming everybody for his unhappiness, including me.

I guess I need to be happy when somebody new is around and the infatuation is still in place...

The letter he was talking about I did not yet receive, I wonder if it will be written at all.

He's coming over in half an hour to sign some papers. First time he will see my new home. I will give him a tour so he can see I finally have my life fully under control and I'm really proud of that.
smile smile

Have a nice day.

Eagle XXX


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - .... OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Eagle3
Apparently he was already cheating on OW2 with OW3 these past months. Don't ask how I know...yes, I have been snooping around but it doesn't affect me anymore. I wanted to know what was going on, if he was really coming out of the tunnel of if it was for another reason, well, now I know. I'm simply glad OW2 is not there anymore since for me this was an affair partner, OW3 is not since we are divorced.
So I call him EXH and not G since replay is still very active apparently. For me, as long as he is cordial, friendly, and treats me well I don't care. Also no confrontation between the OW and children and it's all good for me for now.
He's coming over in half an hour to sign some papers. First time he will see my new home. I will give him a tour so he can see I finally have my life fully under control and I'm really proud of that.
How to delete a former post…???...because I will have to come back to what I have been posting this week.
Feelings, feelings, feelings, unfortunately I don’t have them under control these past 3 days. I was doing really well, but these last days have been harder again. I guess I think I’m doing better than I’m actually doing or it’s just because of the fact that the past few weeks have been really intense with the move, the new home, the interactions with EXH etc..and therefore I’m having a small setback.
I’m simply sooooooo curious what is going on.
Conclusion: I’m making assumptions again from a few things I have seen and heard and I can be completely wrong.
I know I shouldn’t ask but to me it is important to know if there is a possibility that OW2 is out of the picture and if there might be an OW3 or not. It normally didn’t affect me anymore but since EXH is becoming so much G again I want to know what is going on.
Facts:
- 3 weeks ago my FIL met with OW2 in EXH’s rental house. Just for a brief moment. First time they saw each other. (meaning then she was still in the picture)
- 3 weeks ago, when interactions with EXH became more frequent because of the move and the selling of the marital home and because he was so ‘G’, I checked his Instagram friends. She was still one of them, in both directions.
- We still have one MC which I stopped from my side but I can still see his transactions details so I looked…these past 3 months he went 5 times to country X, which is where she lives, ad she lives in the South, but oddly, 3 of the 5 times he went he was also in the North of Country X. (unless the went up there together every time for holiday)
- 2 weeks ago I felt something was wrong and I checked again, huge shock, they both defriended each other. Up till today they are still defriended.
- This weekend, he bought flowers in a shop, but online, this again from a shop based in the North of country X. He is in country X again for the coming week. I know this because he told me and I also saw his ticket. Don’t know if he is in the South or in the North though.
Why would they defriend each other and yet he still goes to country X? Am I right to think there is an OW3 or am I being crazy?
Yes, yes, I live my life but I’m currently in a phase whereby I simply need to know what is going on.
He is so G these past days and this gives me a strange feeling. He is trying so hard to be there for S18, he is helpful towards me on all aspects. I sent him a message to let him know I was glad to see the “old G” again these past weeks and that I’m sincerely happy that he is making progress in the positive direction. His answer: ”Thank you very much. So good to read this. I have to say that the improved relationship really pleases me. I just want to match well again with everyone and make the best of it.”
Help, what is going on??? I he really coming out of the tunnel? Is he happy because he has somebody new or simply still with her and the fact they defriended each other means nothing?

Well, I know you will all say that I shouldn’t be dealing with the above, but I will honestly say that it is very difficult not to when your old H/W is coming to the surface again.

What would you think, from the above information what is going on? I'm posting this because I really had to get it out in the open.

Last edited by Eagle3; 08/07/22 06:21 PM.

Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - .... OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
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put down the magic 8 ball.

focus on your new life.

focus on your kids.

let this play out, behind a curtain.

you don't need to know.

when you need to know, you will.

xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Hello Eagle

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Feelings, feelings, feelings, unfortunately I don’t have them under control these past 3 days.

You are doing perfectly fine my dear. One doesn’t control their feelings, one only influences them.

And…feelings are fleeting. Temporary. I bet you feel different (hopefully better) today than on the 7th when you posted.

Still, feelings are real. Valid. And a window into our present self and situation.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
I guess I think I’m doing better than I’m actually doing or it’s just because of the fact that the past few weeks have been really intense with the move, the new home, the interactions with EXH etc..and therefore I’m having a small setback.

Eagle, you are doing good. No guessing about that! Believe it!

Beliefs are slow to change. Sure, emotions will rise now and then, and cause one to question themselves and things around them. Then those feelings settle and thoughts and convictions reign again. Pretty understandable with the move, the new home, and XH.

By the way, setbacks are a good thing. The name is a bit misleading in my opinion, for being setback produces positive forward motion.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Well, I know you will all say that I shouldn’t be dealing with the above, but I will honestly say that it is very difficult not to when your old H/W is coming to the surface again.

What would you think, from the above information what is going on? I'm posting this because I really had to get it out in the open.

I’m glad you share with us. It is good to get stuff out in the open.

XH’s path will proceed as it will. And things will be revealed in time. However, I understand the desire to know and question what is going on. So…

As you stated XH and OW2 unfriended each other two weeks ago. It is pretty obvious something is going on. True, a breakup seems a likely culprit. They could be attempting to take their relationship more underground, although that seems most odd since FIL just met her. Given the brief visit between FIL and the two of them, who knows how forthcoming XH was to the details of her and him. Which might be the cause of the unfriending between them; it was 7 days later when you noticed (snooped smile ) it, could have happened on day zero.

The tickets and visits to north country are odd as well. Could be a vacation. OW2 could have moved too. That would explain flowers being purchased in that region instead of as previous.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
I sent him a message to let him know I was glad to see the “old G” again these past weeks and that I’m sincerely happy that he is making progress in the positive direction. His answer: ”Thank you very much. So good to read this. I have to say that the improved relationship really pleases me. I just want to match well again with everyone and make the best of it.”

His words are nice. How are his actions?

Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.

XH/G is reaching out kids. And well it seems. He is good and cordial to you. And he still flies to country X.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Help, what is going on???

It would seem, at times G is in control, and other times XH is. Emotionally mixed up being driven by feelings and passions and still some pains.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Is he really coming out of the tunnel?

In my opinion, yes he is. And he dives back in as well.

For what it’s worth, I think he will eventually find his way to healed and whole. G/XH displays and speaks with a lucidity and acceptance of what is going on with himself, something my XW does not (yet).

The person that he will become is unknown. There are signs and headings he speaks about, and even displays (kids and such), which are positive indicators of forward progress. Still, it’s his path. And on his time.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Is he happy because he has somebody new or simply still with her and the fact they defriended each other means nothing?

Interesting thought for you. The fact of them defriending does mean nothing. Consider, if there is an OW3, then OW2 now means nothing. The unfriending of her is nothing. If there isn’t an OW3, the unfriending of OW2 now means nothing. Affair partners are just a symptom.

This may be a significant event along his path, and likely is. However, OW2 and unfriending her on social media is barly a blip to him. People have meaning when they touch our beliefs. She is a band-aid for his feelings. Her fate was always to be likely discarded once her use was over. As harsh and horrible as that sounds, using another human to dull one’s own pain. Such is a crisis.

Is he happy? Eagle, he is not happy. Not yet. Happiness comes from within, and OW2 or OW3 is external.

Of course, his peeks out of the tunnel have moments of genuine happiness - long walks with kids - and are surely followed by shame and guilt, and crawling back in.

Awakening is slow too. Really slow. Like everything in this MLC process.

Have a great day Eagle.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
you don't need to know.
when you need to know, you will.
Originally Posted by DnJ
And…feelings are fleeting. Temporary. I bet you feel different (hopefully better) today than on the 7th when you posted.
Dear B en DnJ,
You are both completely right and your words really helped. No, I don't have to know. It did creep in again though which was kind of scary.
Indeed, the term “setback” is kind of a negative word but I assume I must have these emotions in order to move forward again.
FTR, I’m doing much better again.

With EXH being so different and kind these past weeks this certainly has raised my interest in him and his life and what is going on. It is the uncertainty that is the most difficult part for me.
Since this platform is kind of my MLC diary I always want to share everything here. Sometimes I’m even a bit ashamed afterwards of what I typed at certain times, when I sometimes read it again some may think I’m a pendulum, just like the MLC'er, LOL, so thank you DnJ to re-assure that it is good to share everything here and to get the stuff out in the open.

I met with SIL yesterday. Undoubtably the R is going really difficult and they presumably broke up for a while but OW2 and EXH are still/back together and are trying once more. She will even be at a family party next Sunday. This is the 2nd time (last time in May) he brings her out in the open.

So DnJ, as you stated correctly, they go on vacation to the North and he bought her flowers.

Originally Posted by DnJ
His words are nice. How are his actions?
His actions are more present now and follow most of his words.
As I wrote we had some issues with the sell of our home and he stepped in and took over. MIL also did something really bad to the children and he called the children to tell them he has their back. He also did a follow-up of S18 on my request.

Originally Posted by DnJ
In my opinion, yes he is. And he dives back in as well
For what it’s worth, I think he will eventually find his way to healed and whole. G/XH displays and speaks with a lucidity and acceptance of what is going on with himself, something my XW does not (yet).
The person that he will become is unknown. There are signs and headings he speaks about, and even displays (kids and such), which are positive indicators of forward progress. Still, it’s his path. And on his time.
Awakening is slow too. Really slow. Like everything in this MLC process.
That is the most difficult part now. He is such a nice person at the moment.
After we received the money of the sell of the house this week he asked me “are you happy”?
I thought this was such a strange question and I refuse to lie so I answered honestly that “happy” is not a word a would use”. I’m happy that I’m through all of the administration, the move etc. but I’m not happy as this is not something I would have wanted to happen but that it is what it is.
He answered me he also had a bad feeling when he picked up the furniture the last time and if he would have been present with the signing of the sell of the house he would have been sad as well. (he gave a power of attorney to me to sign in his place as he was "abroad", definitely running again since he could have been here but wouldn't want to face these feelings again)
That nobody chooses to marry in the science to separate again but that he sees things positive now that at least we can’t have any more issues in relation to the administrative side of things. That his first priority now is to rebuild all the broken relationships from the past years and to pick up his life again where he left it years ago.
I have answered that I’m glad he answered honestly and I validated his feelings and words.
I’m quite convinced he is coming out of the tunnel and on his way to healing, no doubt about that but I always assumed that the OW’s are out of the picture by then, or do I see this wrongly?

Last day of work and tomorrow I’m leaving for Scotland. As said really looking forward to that, and B, I will definitely give you a full story of what the area is like!

Read you soon.
Much of Love,
Eagle XXX

Last edited by Eagle3; 08/11/22 05:28 AM.

Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - .... OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,374
Likes: 144
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Hi Eagle my dear,

I'm glad my post helped. xoxo

It's lovely that he's asking if you're happy. Remember to take it at face value. Take it all at face value and keep on keeping on.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to keep the focus squarely on yourself, your life, your kids, and to behave in a manner that is in alignment with your values, which you've been doing, beautifully!

This isn't linear dear one. There are going to be times when we, the LBS, 'backslide' but I think those times are actually part of the moving forward, even though it doesn't feel like it in the moment, if that makes sense?

Enjoy your trip sweetheart. You've earned a break from the madness! Can't wait for an update. If you see Craig Ferguson tell him I said hello and will see him soon! xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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