Speaking like this is a way for me to stay positive. Have a look at my earlier posts, lots of uncertainty and worry about her. I'd Iike to think I've faked it to the point that I am actually in a better place. Wasn't the case a month ago, I couldn't sleep or eat.
Finding that DB, detached, zen state where we treat our ex-partners in a courteous way as if they were a coffee shop barista isn't easy. It takes time and effort. The simple act of striving not to be a doormat (nicing them back) or rage troll (angry/bitter) puts you ahead of many. And trying not to withdraw in your case, lol. Keep working on that progress!
Yeah, I'm doing well. I had a great GAL on the weekend, just went out myself and walked around the city, chatting with people, experiencing things I've never experienced before, and getting lots of exercise. It was a good way to get distracted since STBXW has been "suffering" since mediation by trying to pick fights and arguments. The more I read about covert narcissism, it makes so much sense. So I'm hoping her week of "injury" is coming to an end as her behavior subsides. I expected a lot of bad behaviour in and after mediation, so I was prepared. But still annoying to deal with, especially the gaslighting and history rewriting.
I'm meeting up with my FIL (or STBX-FIL) for whiskey/cigars/listening to good music. He demonstrates unconditional love, and I've discussed this earlier on about my grief at losing that relationship. He's non-judgemental so I know it can be a good time without any R talk.
My focus is kids, next round of mediation, and an upcoming trip to visit my family. I haven't seen my parents in person in 8 years, and D11/S8 will travel with me to visit them. I organised this pre-BD as I wanted my kids to have an R with their cousins, to rebuild my R with my parents and sister, as get some closure to my childhood. It will be very therapeutic.
In the meantime, STBXW if finding odd excuses to keep up conversations by SMS or email. ATM our RL conversations are purely kid related, which I really like. But the back channel conversations vacillate from outbursts, to mundane requests. I'm following the advice of not responding immediately unless I have a question.
We agreed in meditation to have weekly one on ones regarding kids, and I'm actually dreading this. It will take a lot of effort to make it work because it can easily turn into a forum for her to "negotiate" on her terms and potentially explode when things don't go well.
We agreed in meditation to have weekly one on ones regarding kids, and I'm actually dreading this.
As far as one on ones with the kids, I assume one parent has two kids while the other gets the one on one time?
I would suggest getting the exchange day/times concrete and the child rotation set. Yes there will be exceptions but exceptions should be fairly rare. I either had all three, or no kids. I always enjoyed my one on one time with each of my kids when I was able to get it. Focus on the fact that you and each child can make great memories together, not what their mothers interactions and behavior will be like. Changing your mindset changes everything.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We agreed in meditation to have weekly one on ones regarding kids, and I'm actually dreading this.
As far as one on ones with the kids, I assume one parent has two kids while the other gets the one on one time?
I read it to be one on ones between toughtimes180 and STBXW to discuss items related to the kids.
toughtimes180 - Not saying you have to have weekly one on ones, a lot can be handled over email, but you two do have young children and are going to need to communicate with STBWX about items for quite a long time, so best to get used to that. I agree w/R2C in not focusing on STBXW. Maybe she'll have "explosions", maybe she won't - but it's in the future and you can't control it, so no sense worrying about it.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yeah, the one on one is to be logistical and kids only. Since STBXW doesn't have a good track record of boundaries, it's something I need to be careful with. She can easily use it as a forum for other things since at the moment all face to face conversation outside of day to day has been shutdown.
I am TOTALLY looking forward to life and parenting without her. I've had a taste, and I love it. It's what keeps me positive about the future. My mindset was there a month ago, and I will be fine.
ATM she's saying she wants to come with a PRIVATE proposal. For what, I dunno, Parenting Plan, settlement? I suspect she doesn't like how mediation didn't go well for her. I'll keep an open mind, but I'm prepared that it's a bypass attempt. She's been quite inflexible about setting the next date . . . The stick is that if mediation fails, I can get a legal document that asserts the failure and I can then go the legal route through the courts. I do not want to, but I'm not afraid if I have to.
STBXW doesn't have a good track record of boundaries,
These 1:1's are an opportunity for you to get more comfortable with setting and enforcing boundaries.
"My wife will not curse at me." is NOT a boundary. You do not control this. "I will not listen to my wife if she's cursing at me." IS a boundary. You control this.
Scenario: Wife calls you and curses at you. Enforcement: You hang up.
Originally Posted by tt180
She can easily use it as a forum for other things since at the moment all face to face conversation outside of day to day has been shutdown.
Wife: I'd like to discuss alimony. You: In these 1:1s I will only talk about co-parenting our kids. Wife: Alimony blah blah blah alimony blah blah blah You: --- Wife: Don't you have anything to say? You: In these 1:1s I will only talk about co-parenting our kids.
Originally Posted by tt180
The stick is that if mediation fails, I can get a legal document that asserts the failure and I can then go the legal route through the courts. I do not want to, but I'm not afraid if I have to.
Exactly right--if your lawyer feels her private proposal is better than what you'll get going through court, great, if not just head for court and get what the court typically awards as defaults or maybe she settles last minute.
Well, the last two weeks have been probably the worse to date. In the lead up to the second mediation session, I've had daily abusive emails about all sorts of things, and verbally all the usual I've come to expect: projection, reframing the past, blame for the littlest of things. I don't react, but internally it's taking a toll. I guess it's because STBXW was nervous about the session. She even started attacking the credibility of the mediator, threating to move to another one.
The session was strange. She didn't verbally attack me as much, but I did come prepared. I countered every single objection she had from the previous session, and even drafted up a sample plan. I feel practically no concession on her part, but since she wanted me to only have every second weekend, it's gone well. We got to the point about 50/50 and she wouldn't budge from 40/60. I pressed to say what would it take, and she wouldn't answer. I kept pressing, and she said, give me the finances I'm asking for. I paused for about 10 seconds to then proclaim, wow! Blackmail. I don't know what to say! (It's not blackmail, I guess it's extortion?)
In other words, she used our children as a bargaining chip. I really couldn't believe this. I honestly thought we were finished with no resolution until mediator suggested I could draft up a yearly calendar and I might find that with school holidays I'll come what I'm after. I agreed, as my mental arithmetic suggested this could work (forgetting I might not have enough annual leave).
So back to me to draft something and see if she'll sign the damn thing.
I guess, to be positive, I'm closer then ever to what I wanted in a Parenting Plan. Just not quite what I thought. My IC has gone through this before and said not to worry, just keep going back to mediation, he said it took him 7 sessions over 2 years.
It really enforces to me I cannot trust anything from this woman, and I did the right thing to not negotiate the finances. She still tries a couple of times to week to sidestep lawyers with emails or even sms. I guess since the hard threats haven't worked, it's now a softer approach. I don't even respond to any of them.
The best part of IHS is the weekends. It's a blissful glimpse of the future. A day of the kids with no interference and a day by myself. Three weeks in a row, and I love it.
In four days I fly with D11 and S8 for a 2 week overseas vacation. It's just what I need, so I can forget about things for a while. I am half expecting some letter from her lawyer during this time. You know, to remind me who's in charge. But I shouldn't focus on that, just on the awesome quality time I'm facing.
In case Steve asks how's my GAL, gym, bushwalks, out with friends, about to start a martial arts class. In terms of validation, that's pretty much finished. The conversations have no emotion, so there isn't anything to validate. I save that for the kids.
TT, this is very common with WWs. When their LBS has in the past let them walk over them, when the LBS starts standing up for themselves the WW gets vitriolic. Here is the thing: after this is all said and done she may not like you very much, but she WILL respect you! Respect is paramount to being liked. Whether you ever R with her or not, whether you want to R with her or not. Standing up for yourself is important because being liked without any respect is not a great place to be with anyone.
Keep standing up for yourself. She may be mean and nasty and angry, but she will respect you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I hope so. There wasn't much R TBH in years of marriage. I'll take respect from her over being liked.
I won't say there will never be an R with her. I will say she has to 180 like mad to get there. Given she'd rather sit on the couch and IM, and take phone calls in her room, I'd say D is the most likely outcome.
Thanks, Steve. Just needed to vent. In one week, I won't be thinking of my sitch at all.
