No such luck

[Ginger1]

I’m officially here to address the rest

I appreciate the kind uplifting words . I know I can also live my lows too.
I’m far from perfect. I’m far from putting myself on a pedestal. I am just striving to fit in and be “normal” everyday . Doesn’t always work out that way.

Yea here I am .

[MLCxH]

Well, this is ironic. I get told I’m self depreciating and don’t realize what I bring to the table, then when I acknowledge what I bring to the table I put myself on a pedestal? Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.

Recognize that one can be self deprecating in some aspects and the opposite in other aspects. I was not saying you are putting yourself on a pedestal. I was saying you need to be self-confident and not self deprecating but at the same time guard against going to the other extreme and putting yourself on a pedestal.

[MLCxH]

I also want to thank you for reading my post and responding with an open mind.

As I said at the start of my post, you are a great mother and person. I want you to be happy and so I was giving feedback that could help you improve yourself instead of just saying uplifting things. The intent was not to be harsh or take away from the many positives you have. And yes, I am possibly wrong about some things since I only know you through your posts here so take the advice with that perspective in mind.

[Mach1]

I do think men are intimidated by me. By all I’ve been through and the fact that I’ve got most of poop together despite it.

I don't think men are intimidated by you. There may be some who are, but it has not generally been the case from what I have read on your thread earlier. If anything, I have seen them take advantage of your good nature.

Actually, it's probably a little of both.....

But then again, taking advantage of a good hearted person who is willing to give herself totally...

And being willing to accept that...????

Wouldn't that be........ dysfunctional ?

A good person who has their sh!t together, is honest, loyal, self aware, self policing, makes good money, owns her own home and has single handedly raised a very bright and well adapted Daughter...

Yea, that shouldn't intimidate anyone ....

Mostly looking for Sex, or a Mother figure, somebody to be a "right now" fix for their long term dysfunction by hding in your emotional 'basement'....

If you took an honest look at your past, you could argue that some of them were not truly attracted to you. Some of the men Mach mentions above were probably dysfunctional. But I feel most of them were just playing you till they found something better.

My comment was to the overall genre of online dating...

There are probably more trolls in that arena than anywhere else...

I do finally realize my relationship status doesn’t define me. I just really want some healthy companionship of the opposite sex.

I have not seen your actions be consistent with your words. Your desperation to be in a relationship is obvious and I suspect it comes across to potential partners too. In my opinion you are looking for a 'happy ever after' and want it quickly, whether you realize it or not. Your desperation is why you moved too quickly with the Texan. If I recollect, there was another person (E?) you broke up with because you felt 'he listens to his kids too much. To me, someone prioritizing the opinion or wishes of their teenage kids over someone they have known for a few weeks is a sign of good character. It is possible he tried to sugar coat things to avoid offending you, but it's not hard to guess the real reason.

Totally agree that G moves through courting right to where she sees long term. I think that has settled a wee bit recently...

Desperation has turned into frustration for someone that "wants" to be in a relationship as badly as G wants one....

If you were to read her history here, you would know that G was just coming into the life she had envisioned when the excrement collided with the rotational device....

So what makes that different for her ?

She isn't looking for anything that any other human in the world hasn't craved at some point.

So what is it that makes her different than the others. ????


Is it the pond in which she is fishing ??

Is it some kind of defect in the universe that allows her to not find constant companionship ??

I wish for G that she knew that answer....

But she is here, and trying to find those answers.....

Personally, I think that she puts way too much pressure on herself to be one way or another. And I have told her that many times in the past.

Tommy Boy....right G ??

Where Tommy is trying to make the sale, and he crashes the toy car and it burst into flames....

But I know being single is not who I am.

First, drop this attitude. If you define yourself as a person that is not meant to be single, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and that pressure will translate to your relationships. Embrace being single. You have to love yourself first and feel complete without another person. Counter intuitive yes, but like DB that's when you will have the best chance of settling down with someone.

Second, be self-confident and have high standards but ask yourself whether you are putting yourself on a pedestal. People like to give advice that 'you are the prize' but that only works in specific scenarios like LRT. If you are the prize in a relationship, it is not a relationship of equals which is not good. What you bring to the relationship may not be what the other person values. Focus on whether the other person brings what you value in a relationship and whether you are providing what they value.

I think that you are correct in theory...

Maybe just mis-calculating a bit....

G is the prize...

I am the prize

You are the prize....

That IS self loving and confidence...




Sorry G, if I spoke about you like you weren't here....

This is a good conversation.....you should join...: )

[LH19]

I don't think men are intimidated by you. There may be some who are, but it has not generally been the case from what I have read on your thread earlier. If anything, I have seen them take advantage of your good nature.

I believe he is talking about Mark here. I can't really think of anyone else who fits this bill.

There are many guys who have their sh1t together. You attracting these men is not the issue. The problem is you being attracted to these me. And I am not the only one who thinks this way. Don gave you similar feedback earlier.

I agree and I also agree it is above our pay grade to know if you are self sabotaging.

If you took an honest look at your past, you could argue that some of them were not truly attracted to you. Some of the men Mach mentions above were probably dysfunctional. But I feel most of them were just playing you till they found something better.

I am not sure what he means here unless he is talking about Mark.

I have not seen your actions be consistent with your words.

This is true. You are done with online dating and waiting until you move for a month then back to online dating.

Your desperation to be in a relationship is obvious and I suspect it comes across to potential partners too.

I think desperation is a tad strong. You have been single mostly the last 14 years. You would like to be a relationship which is understandable.

In my opinion you are looking for a 'happy ever after' and want it quickly, whether you realize it or not.

This I agree with. It is like you have an internal clock.

Your desperation is why you moved too quickly with the Texan.

I disagree here. I think you moved quickly because he did and you liked him.

If I recollect, there was another person (E?) you broke up with because you felt 'he listens to his kids too much. To me, someone prioritizing the opinion or wishes of their teenage kids over someone they have known for a few weeks is a sign of good character. It is possible he tried to sugar coat things to avoid offending you, but it's not hard to guess the real reason.

You definitely do not like passive nice guys.

If you define yourself as a person that is not meant to be single, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and that pressure will translate to your relationships.

We are not wired to be single and most single people are because of choice.

Embrace being single.

Yes!

You have to love yourself first and feel complete without another person.

I believe you have the first part down just not the second part.

Counter intuitive yes, but like DB that's when you will have the best chance of settling down with someone.

Maybe and maybe not.

Second, be self-confident and have high standards but ask yourself whether you are putting yourself on a pedestal.

Are you able to offer the person you are attracted to what they are looking for in a partner? I think we all struggle with understanding attraction.

If you are the prize in a relationship, it is not a relationship of equals which is not good. What you bring to the relationship may not be what the other person values. Focus on whether the other person brings what you value in a relationship and whether you are providing what they value.

Yep. See above.

[Ginger1]

Well, hello my friends! Busy day running around. My kid was diagnosed with a concussion today but it’s 2 weeks out and she is fine. She whacked her head on the kitchen table bending down to pic something up. She truly is my child. We then did some more shopping and spent my money. Shocking, lol.

What really jumps out at me here and what I have been trying to express is what Mach said.

Why am I different than anyone else who is desiring a partner? It’s completely human nature. Humans are meant to be connected to other humans. What I am searching for is pretty much no different than any other human.

I can openly admit, that I was desperate for it many years ago. After I had my family destroyed before my c section scar even fully healed was devastating . I took some time to just focus on surviving and raising a baby pretty much on my own. And when some of that dust settled, I probably was desperate to try to get in some way shape or form what was taken from me. But I surely am desperate anymore. Frustrated is for sure the proper word. I feel frustration that this all is so elusive to me. Frustrated in the quality of men I am finding . And I wouldn’t doubt my frustration is coming through. But definitely not desperation.

I absolutely believe I am a complete person without a partner. I don’t need a partner to make me feel whole or worthy. Again, I want a connection. A soul connection . I don’t want a “happily ever after” I want what most humans want. A companion I connect with on an emotional
Level. Having that or not having that doesn't make me any less or more while complete. I am really no different than other human in this area.

Maybe people who come to these boards have spent their adulthood in a partnership. I haven’t. I know who I am without one more than most. I’ve wholly accomplished many of things people do with their partner by their side. I have had zero emotional support on raising my daughter. I don’t have a mom or a sister. I didn’t have a husband. I will put my self on a step stool for a second because I have emotionally done so much from childhood to now alone. Not many can say that.

I’ll never know what it’s like to raise a child with a partner. And most people know what’s that’s like, even if that partner wasn’t the bio parent. It’s not a norm.

And I’ve done it. And I’m whole .

And I’ve embraced being single many times. Majority of the time it’s fantastic. Then there are times it’s awful. Just like marriage, perhaps?

Oh, and as for the Texan. LH is right. And he wanted the happily ever after with me more than me . “Moving fast” however is all in words in and it in action. Never met my friends, he didn’t move in, never met my family. We moved along words fast, but not actions, actually all him, not much me .

And now, I am single again and fine . I’m not back online . And I take breaks, but I never said I would quit online dating all together.

Anyways, if you made it this far, I would love to hear what your thoughts on this is.

My daughter tells me that her father is leaving for a 6 day dolor vacation to island of at Maarten next Sunday. Im my head a secretly raged because he cries of poverty when he can do this along with another trip following and then another trip and after they got back from SF in April boils my blood. I am drowning financially, my daughter comes to me for everything and I don’t even know what a vacation is .

But then. I thought. Is he having an affair ? A 6 day solo vacay to a tropical island ? Something seems fishy. And I wouldn’t put it past him for a second

[Elbereth]

G,

I can’t recall where I heard this (maybe Esther Perel?) but I heard that we feel chemistry and are most attracted to people who either have issues we need to resolve or remind us trauma or difficulties. As the emotional effect of them is familiar to our bodies. After this was stated, it was discussed that true deep relationships develop slowly and are not exciting at first. That it takes time to see the parts of these people that don’t initially excite us, and to connect with them. These slower revealing parts are actually deeper parts and not easily shared when first meeting someone.

Anyway, I have no experience around this to tell you if this is true or not. But it did make me personally wonder about my attraction to my STBXH. It was pretty fast and extremely electrifying. And look what happened and what kind of person he turned out to be.

When I read all the recent content on your situation, I do wonder if taking the time with a few extra dates with guys that seem really put together but missing obvious immediate chemistry might be worth exploring? When I am ready to date, I am thinking about the same thing. I want my future relationship to develop slowly. I want to know who this new guy is before I get in deep and attached….which I found really hard to do with my STBXH with all that chemical reactions happening. Anyway, hope it gives you something else to think about.

I’m glad your daughter is okay! As for you XH…I agree, seems fishy. Easy for them to say they have no money, but then they manage to spend a lot. Of course, he could be doing it on credit. But unless it’s a guys trip, seems that he wouldn’t be doing it alone. Trust your gut on that one!

El

[AndrewP]

Anyways, if you made it this far, I would love to hear what your thoughts on this is.

Not sure what I would have to offer on this. You and I have chatted on and off over the years and we are definitely not each other's types so our points of view of what would make an appropriate partner is certainly different I would think.

I think that a lot of what it comes down to is that essentially nobody who is "available" in the adult dating world is "ready". There are those who have done the work to heal themselves and put in the effort to try to understand what they actually want in life like you and I have done, and those who like the you of 14 years ago who just "need" someone and jump right in.

I absolutely don't know, but expect that those people who are years out from their divorce, have their poop categorized into neat little piles, probably are very rare on many of the dating sites. From what I see, most of the people who are partaking of OLD fall into one of two categories. The freshly minted ones who want to fill the void they feel "right now" and the ones who are the long-haulers who just keep trying and trying hoping that the next frog will be "the one".

The poop pilers are from what I can see - again in my different geography - are out there living their lives as single people and aren't actively online. Without much effort I can think of a half-dozen women of my acquaintance who live close by who don't have a partner. A couple of them, I'm confident, would perhaps want one but they aren't actively hunting one down. I also know of at least 3-4 other men in just my small village in similar circumstances. So such people exist.

Certainly there are exceptions. Dawn for example who has a clear idea of who she is and the sort of person she would want in her life had a very successful OLD experience albeit with at least a few frogs she let go or had to shoo out the door. And also, I'm viewing this from the point of view of the women I see online in my own geography and age range. I have no idea what it's like at your age or what the situation is for guys. My gut feeling is that most of the guys online especially at a your younger age are either in it for the poontang or are looking for someone to take care of them. Undoubtedly for us older guys it would be more them looking for a nurse or a purse. My generation certainly didn't do as good of a job preparing for retirement than we should have.

So - not sure how helpful this is, but you are at least getting your money's worth from the comments.

But then. I thought. Is he having an affair ? A 6 day solo vacay to a tropical island ? Something seems fishy. And I wouldn’t put it past him for a second

Yeah - he's essentially told you in the past that he would be happy having you as a side-chick. As the old joke goes - the man who marries his mistress creates a job opening.

[kml]

Solo vacation? Unless he’s going fishing with his guy friends - then he’s having an affair. Is it really solo, or with friends but not his wife?

As for the dating - there was a time in my twenties when I really wanted to be in a new relationship. I’d come out of an unsatisfactory relationship, and just really wanted a new, “normal” relationship. I’d just started medical school and was surrounded by eligible guys. But the ones I liked could feel my neediness and weren’t interested. In fact my next (brief) boyfriend did come when I wasn’t expecting him. (The guitarist in a popular local band that my roommate and I used to go see sought me out - could have knocked me over with a feather).

Bottom line is - confidence is attractive. And guys are more likely to be interested if they have to work for it a bit.

[Ginger1]

Honestly. I thjng he is cheating. No friends are going with him. He hates fishing. And when I asked him what concert he is going to this Friday, he never answered me . I also think she knows he’s cheating . But won’t say anything. Don’t ask, don’t tell, Turn a blind eye. M

I took D and her friend to the city today to do an escape room. We had a good time and o am broke, lol. Then I had bought 2 tickets to a fundraiser dinner for my cousins son”s travel baseball team. I had bought one for the Texan. Bye bye $85! Bit k had a great time! She lives in the town over, the one I work in. When I came in, my personal podiatrist and also my colleague saw me and gave me a big hug and we chit chatted. He lives in that town too. He’s my age, and very, very cute and just such a good person. I became friends with his office manager and took care of 2 of her relatives and she lives across the street from me last house I lived in. Sadly, he is amazing. His wife is horrible and the town hates her. And she got his office manager fired. I realized I’d the Texan came. He would have been phased that the doc hugged me and talked to me. And I realized I wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun .

I want a guy I can have a good time with . That I never have to worry about in a social situation. Otherwise, it isn’t worth it. The Texan was not that guy. My ex was the guy I to worry aborigines all the time because he was so abrasive. I can’t do it anymore.

Tomorrow I work. Go to my dads and and go on a 20 mile bike ride. I can’t wait !

Single is wonderful honestly. Not having to worry about anyone else, is great. But I imagine there is a man I can never have to worry about around others and just enjoy his company and companionship and intimacy. And that’s all I’m willing to accept