Spot on. Yes, it's a history of cow towing, and in extreme cases, tantrums, silent treatment, and the stare. Which triggers my avoidance. A lot of reflection has made me realise how bad it was, and her manipulation to frame those confrontations back on me. And since BD2, that was my 180. I am doing none of that. I'm aware that all her reactions relate to the loss of control, and that her fantasy separation isn't happening.
The mistake I'm making is engaging still. I reread the LRT, and yeah, still too much contact.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend time with D1 while the others had a city trip. Not only was it quality bonding time, it showed me how calm and easier parenting is without STBXW around. Plus I had some much needed self-care. And the bonus, if STBXW tries to claim in mediation I can't look after a one year old, the proof is fresh. It was sad that I got no details on the fun they had. But I'll forever cherish that day with D1.
All said, I'm in great shape. L will start the process, including responses to her rediculous demands. It's settlement on my terms. Once I have a parenting plan, I'm immediately out the house.
In IC, my P said of all his clients in my sitch, I'm in the best state. I'm taking back the power and emotionally healthy. He said each time I see him, I'm changing. I attribute a lot of that to this forum. DB principles work. And they have worked both times for me. In BD1 it won me back W. In BD2 it is saving my sanity and putting me on a healthy path forward.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend time with D1 while the others had a city trip. Not only was it quality bonding time, it showed me how calm and easier parenting is without STBXW around.
I also felt the similar, almost liberating when she left for her fateful trip. She started her A during the trip, BD'd one month after she returned, and I found out about A shortly after.
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
In IC, my P said of all his clients in my sitch, I'm in the best state. I'm taking back the power and emotionally healthy. He said each time I see him, I'm changing. I attribute a lot of that to this forum. DB principles work. And they have worked both times for me. In BD1 it won me back W. In BD2 it is saving my sanity and putting me on a healthy path forward.
Trust me, these methods seem cruel and hard, but they work. You just need to get over the fear. I didn't kick STBXW out of the master bedroom this time. I was still in shock, and didn't think, and just said I'm putting a bed in my office. In retrospect it worked for me. My office, my bed, a private door to come and go as I please. I don't think forcing her to move out, in front of the kids, would have changed anything, other than having to let the kids know earlier. She has made up her mind, and despite her protests, I know this is really it. But in my first BD1, these tactics did work and she came around in a couple of months.
Follow the advice here and you will have one of two great outcomes: reconciliation in a healthy way that addresses the underlying issues, or separation in a healthy way where you can be you and live the life you deserve.
I finally got L to engage STBXW. She had a little protest on sms asking if it was a mistake, why are they asking for this information. I just replied "no mistake. You can ask any questions to them directly."
I guess she gets it, the communication is now very minimal, I don't get much emotion back. I'd go so far to say almost pleasant, definitely tolerable.
I have mediation for a Parenting Plan this weekend. It'll be the true test to see if publicly she will negotiate, or if she'll be as unreasonable as she has been in the last two months. Once I know what I'm looking at there, I will immediately hit rental listings for a unit and move out asap.
I have mediation for a Parenting Plan this weekend. It'll be the true test to see if publicly she will negotiate, or if she'll be as unreasonable as she has been in the last two months. Once I know what I'm looking at there, I will immediately hit rental listings for a unit and move out asap.
Before you move out, get an OK from your L. Do not reveal to your STBXW or her L that you may move out. Check if moving out can negatively impact your custody and parenting expectations. Check if a 'separation agreement' is appropriate.
If the WW was of previously good character and had good morals, is it more likely that they will come back at some point?
IMO Maybe and then again maybe not.
The two biggest determinants are circumstances in their current life. Does OM dump them? If so, how do they like being single? Do they find someone else?
and
Has the LBS changed? Obviously they weren't happy the first time around. What would be different?
