I'm Back after 1st DB (5)

[Josh71]

I'm waiting for L to come back with pricing and then I'll kick things off. Mediation is not an option until L prepares the numbers.

Traveler, I like your line.

[SteveLW]

toughtimes, I get the spiraling. We all were there once. That is why detachment is money. Ever see water roll off of ducks back? That is what you want to get to with your WAW's words and deeds. That they roll off your back like water off a duck. No effect. That seems to be the last place you are struggling. When she, in your words, "complicates, blocks, frustrates, etc." That's what WWs do! We all have stories about our WSs and how they were able to complicate, block and frustrate us. Overtime we got better at not letting them complicate, block and frustrate us. Emotional detachment is a state of mind. It takes work to get there. It won't always be 100%, but once you get it into the high 80%s towards the mid 90%s, life becomes a lot easier. So keep working on your detachment!

[BL42]

toughtimes180,

Just looking for advice, but it seems every time I ask for advice, it's the same answer Focus on self, focus on kids, move on.

The advice posters give reflect the updates you provide. If you're frustrated about the repetitive nature, consider why that may be. Typically it's an area the LBS is stuck on and needs to address.

I just lose a bit of focus now and then when STBXW complicates, blocks, frustrates, etc.

Your STBXW doesn't have the power to complicate, block, and frustrate you unless you allow it. Be a person of strength. You know your purpose and goals; nothing phases you. Be cool, calm, and collected. Don't let her actions impact you.

I'm also nervous because I don't fully trust where she is going with D.

You don't need to fully trust her. In fact, you shouldn't. Try to get to a place where you don't care what she does. Flip the power and determine what YOU want, and pursue that.

Don't engage. Let your lawyer handle it.

I wouldn't send that. If you can't handle negotiation with her, leave it to the mediation service or your attorney. Don't send pointless, provocative e-mails.

I agree w/Valeska19 & Traveler. Don't send that note.

Too many words; just take action. If you want to have a professional draft up a proposal, that's certainly your right, just do it. No need to explain all the reasoning to STBXW. And btw...that proposal does not set in stone the outcome. Your STBWX has every right to reject it. Ultimately you'll both need to agree to a settlement or go to trial.

Also, I strongly recommend re-reading the language you use. Not sure if others agree, but to me it comes off as very impatient, controlling, patronizing, and condescending. Is this typical of your communication and interactions with STBXW? If so, you might discuss with IC or work on a 180 there on listening and empathizing vs. "telling" or "commanding".

I agree w/others you should drop the direct settlement discussions w/STBXW and work through an L.

[Josh71]

Hi BL42,

This isn't my typical language. Usually I'm indirect, and passive. It is my attempt to be more assertive and communicate directly. What I say here on the boards is my natural style. This is why I wanted to run it here as its not my usual way.

I'm not sending anything for at least a few days. I'm going to ring L today to find out why they are taking so long, and then just use travelers line. This is my power, I'm pursuing the knowledge and L that I need.

As a positive sign, and it doesn't mean much, I had one conflict, abuse free day today. According to my journal, that's one day of 42!

[Josh71]

Pretty rough week. STBXW raged when I told her financial conversations are now through lawyers. That's fine, I just ignore the follow up emails. Compounding this, I called her out on a violent outburst where she pushed stuff off the table and kicked some bags on the floor. In front of S8. You can imagine the denial and anger. Proves to me so much of our relationship had gaslighting.

She went away with D11 and S8 for a city get away. I had awesome time with D1 for 24 hours. It validated just how awesome it is with STBXW away and how competent I am despite what she says. This will be good for mediation.

I'm also suspicious she emailed me a sensible financial proposal to get us half way. Sell the house, split 40%, 20% goes to other financial commitments, we sort out final settlement later. I haven't floated this with L yet, but I like the idea of moving out quickly and having 75% of settlement cash. The reason I'm suspicious is this came after the comment about an L.

I also have another question about validation. I'm not doing it often with her, but when I do, I'd like to think that I keep it simple. She smsed me that S8 was sick in the hotel and soiled the bed. I just responded that must have been hard. I get an angry reply that I don't want your sympathy, I'm just telling you.

Part of me wants to stay true to me and validate regardless of response. Definately I do more at work and with friends. The other part of me wants to just drop it and stay business like. Thoughts?

[LH19]

Drop it and stay businesslike.

[Traveler]

S8 was sick in the hotel and soiled the bed. I just responded that must have been hard.

That wasn't validation--your STBXW did not express any feelings. Examples of expressing feelings. "I'm SO exhausted. XW just soiled the bed. Again. It's 2am." "S8 soiled the bed. I'm pi$$ed! Why am I ALWAYS the one cleaning up their bodily fluids?!"

STBXW raged

You identified a feeling! This was an opportunity to validate.

Part of me wants to stay true to me and validate regardless of response. Definately I do more at work and with friends. The other part of me wants to just drop it and stay business like. Thoughts?

I've shared them with you before. If you want to get good at validation, practice and share here what you hear, your reply, and how they responded. You can do this for friends and family, too. If you work at it you can become good relatively quickly.

[BL42]

I'm also suspicious she emailed me a sensible financial proposal to get us half way. Sell the house, split 40%, 20% goes to other financial commitments, we sort out final settlement later. I haven't floated this with L yet, but I like the idea of moving out quickly and having 75% of settlement cash. The reason I'm suspicious is this came after the comment about an L.

Review any proposal - suspicious or not - with your L. If you're comfortable with it and L thinks it's a good deal, take it. If L thinks it's a bad deal, dismiss it.

She smsed me that S8 was sick in the hotel and soiled the bed. I just responded that must have been hard. I get an angry reply that I don't want your sympathy, I'm just telling you.

Your response seems focused on her feelings instead of your son. Time to start thinking primarily as a father and not a husband. Instead of "that must have been hard [for STBXW]" perhaps "Poor guy. Hope S8 feels better tomorrow."

[Josh71]

I got a lot to learn still

Thanks everyone. Yeah, focus as father. And validate ONLY if there is a particular feeling identified.

[SteveLW]

toughtimes, I would stick to the texting rules of LRT:

If she texts you a statement, do not respond. If she asks a a questions, answer in your own time (not right away) and with as few words as possible. Yes or no questions, get yes or no answers. This will save you a lot of headaches. She may get angry when you do not respond to her statements.....but then she is angry anyway!

As far as the emails settlement, do not respond until you have your lawyer look it over. Stick to your guns on the lawyers handling the details. This was her way of getting you to cave.

Did your marriage have a history of you cowtowing to her? If she didn't like something she threw a little fit and got her way? It sounds like she has been trained by you to use gaslighting, anger, and just generally acting like a spoiled brat to get her way.