No such luck

[Valeska19]

G,
When I look around in this world - I see alot of people in pain. Hurt people.. hurting people.
IMO - Folks who are emotionally intelligent and aware are becoming an endangered species.

Stay patient. Stay vigilant. And continue to guard that very big heart of yours.

[bttrfly]

In your current position I think I would focus on the positives (there are many), analyze the places where I could have made a different choice and keep moving forward.

I don't think you're going to want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway: scary as it is, perhaps working through some childhood trauma with a professional would break the patterns.

I wish you only love and happiness Super G, I hope you know that. I'm proud of you for giving this guy his walking papers. The only thing I might have added was a Gamblers' Anonymous or AA meeting list if I felt somewhat predisposed in that direction. Poor b@st@rd needs a program for sure, but he has to be willing to do that work. You are well aware it's not yours to do, and well done on that front my friend!

[Dawn70]

I'm sorry, G. I was sure rooting for the Southern boy, but that's just WAY too much for anyone to take on. I was hoping no news was good news, so to speak, but like Don, I was also secretly fearing that it wasn't going well since we weren't getting anything.

I know it probably doesn't help, but I'll say it anyway...you are awesome and there is someone super special out there waiting for your paths to cross. Focus on yourself, your new gym, your girl time, and your amazing D. Big hugs! Sorry the Texan didn't do it for you, but hopefully there is someone else out there who will. Everything is bigger in Texas, even the a/holes.

[BL42]

Ginger1,

Sorry things didn't work out with Texas guy. Maybe naïve but unlike DonH I was hoping no news was a good sign (I.e., things were going well and you had no issues to vet here on the boards). For the first time in awhile you seemed enthusiastic, unlike most of your recent prospects, so that has to be disappointing. I can relate to feeling lonely and the desire for a partner, and I'm "just" two years in, so I can only imagine the frustrations you'd had a decade and a half. Hang in there.

Kudos to you though for recognizing his issues and cutting things off with him early. Drinking and gambling problems are two major problems. Mix in some jealousy, insecurity, obnoxiousness...etc. and not a good basis for a healthy relationship. As others have mentioned you deserve much better. Good for you for being strong and standing up for yourself.

Love the update with the new mountain bike, gym workouts, hockey playoffs w/daughter. Keep enjoying those aspects of life!

I apparently can’t attract a healthy man.

Can't or aren't interested in healthy men?

Sad that I cannot attract a healthy man.

You can. Healthy just isn't your number one priority.

LH is implying you're not interested in the healthy men and gravitate towards those with issues. He knows you better, but from your posts you do seem to garner a lot of men's interest but which you often don't share / reciprocate.

So I wonder...what first attracted you to Texas guy? What excited you about him as a prospect initially as opposed to others?

[DonH]

I don’t think I ignored anyone .i said I see what I see and eyes wide open. It wasn’t ignoring . It was observing. And I did what I had to do when i felt I had to do it . And Im
not going back on it

So from what you’ve provided, this “R” lasted about a month. In all there’s really little to be critical about. Had this gone on for half a year it would be totally a different story. So on one hand you did very well. You gave him about 4 or 5 weeks to prove he was worth your time. He failed miserably and you ended it. You did well if measured by this yardstick. But you also went all in very quickly - 3 dates in a week and went exclusive. A weekend getaway was next. Then the drama started.

You could have achieved the same outcome but without much of the pain, anxiety and drama had you gone slower and made him prove himself BEFORE he was given the prize of becoming your boyfriend. You gave him the prize and then allowed him to win it. Typically people have to win the game before getting the trophy. You chose to give him the trophy at the start of the game. Just something to consider. It also was revealed why he pushed so hard to lock you down during the first week - then move to jealousy and possession in his next swift steps.

As for who this and the others are, you are not attracting all of these broken guys, you seem to be choosing them. Why is that? Why are you attracted to the broken and turned off by the stable? You’ve had seemingly good guys show interest yet you don’t feel anything. You don’t feel excited or attracted. Why? Why would you even consider a twice D’d recently dumped middle aged guy with a drinking and gambling problem who works 20 hours a week, doesn’t own a home, has no savings and by his own admission doesn’t want to be a high functioning adult. He was worthy of becoming your BF within one week? Was it because he showed you attention? Because he drove across a toll bridge to see you where previous BFs made you come to them?

There is something about these very broken guys that you seem to be very attracted to and comfortable with. It’s way above my pay grade to annualize - I just know it’s the case. You’re not attracting these guys - you’re attracted to these guys. Seems to me you need to figure out why you’re not attracted to the good guys.

I hope you’ll sit with that and give it some thought. Don’t waste time thinking about why guys like this seem to find you but rather why you seem to find them. In all though you did well terminating this quick, one month R. My guess is he’s not done trying to get you back. Please don’t let that happen. He has very clearly showed you who he is. You saw it within days and acted within a month. Not bad. Hopefully next time you’ll see it before you award the trophy and avoid the drama and anxiety. He might have been worthy of a few dates. He was never worthy of being your BF.

[Ginger1]

All great feedback and very kind words. They are much appreciated because I’m feeling a bit down . I am definitely turning the focus on me and I’m really enjoying the gym. Day 3 today, day 4 tomorrow for my bday for this week. Class is tough, but fun and the people are great.

So to answer some questions regarding “broken” people and attraction. I’ll try to break this down to understand.

1) why do I reject stable guys?

I do not. I haven’t met one recently.

There was bipolar guy. I didn’t know until I got to know him and I noticed his behaviors and he told me and I had to end it . So I did. Right before that was EMT boy. He was too over the top and flakey. Then there was pizza delivery guy. He delivered pizza because he was on disability. And he was just really boring and we had nothing in common. Then my coworker came to me to set me up with her son. Honestly, probably the most stable even though he is a recovering heroin addict with anxiety issues. But due to the history with my mom, the fear of relapse will always be there . Then came the next C. He was an awful communicator and wanted kids. Nothing I could do about that one. After him came the Texan. More I got to know him, the more I realized he was not what I needed in my life. So really, I’m not passing up any stable guys. And you don’t really get to know how crazy until you get to know them . So am I really choosing them and passing up on stable guys. No. I don’t feel I am.

As for why I am “attracted” to any of these “broken” men. I will not call it a trauma bond, but I have lived a hard life from day one. I never had it easy, I’ve had it very challenging . My childhood wasn’t great, and because of that we all know how my early adulthood went . Chose a bad partner . That was when I was “broken” I know hardship and I can relate to others who have known hardship. It’s something in common. But I don’t consider myself broken. Texan is broken. It makes me very sad for him. But the guy who grew up with a great childhood and had everything easy makes it kind of hard for me to relate I guess. Or maybe I feel like they can’t relate to me. But there is a fine line between broken and those who knew hardship. I find that character can be developed from a hard life abs overcoming obstacles and coming out on top. That’s something that is very attractive tics to me and I can relate to.

So I hope that explains it a bit better. Do I entertain these “broken” men longer than I should? Yea. A part of me understands their pain.

[DonH]

Well I wish I could argue or debate you that there are all of these high quality single people out there. I wish I could but I can’t - at least not when it comes to women. I have to believe it’s the same for men as well. That’s why I’ve continue to say most all of the good ones are taken. They’ve never been divorced or cheated or become a WAS. That part does stink and you are accurate. The quality women I meet are taken. The men you meet are low quality. Then again you’re back OLD so I’m not shocked.

I’ve been D’d over 15 years now and can’t say I regret a good one getting away in that time. I guess that’s good. I don’t have any “if only I had” loops running. On top of that my list of quality women who don’t at all care to date grows. I’m well into double digits with them. Not just no interest in dating me - they have not had a BF in many many years. Some have not dated in years. One was a pretty successful model and is still very pretty. Another a financial broker. Another owns her own small business. The latest one I’m lucky if we get together once a month. Imagine that I actually want more interaction than she does!

Sorry, didn’t intend to make this about me and clearly this is not going to cheer you up but if all you’re finding is broken, yeah, I have too plus add in those with no yearning to date. I just seem to remember you talking about at least a few guys who really wanted to date you and you even said you can’t find anything wrong with them yet you had no interest. Are you changing that story now? I swear there was a few but you could not bring yourself to give them the chance they appeared to deserve. Yet broken cowboy got a huge chance. I guess that’s what I’m seeing.

My renewed fav radio psychologist lost her husband a few years ago and says these exact things. She’s pickier than I am and doesn’t think she will ever find someone worthy. She’s mot given up but no longer tries. Maybe that’s the story with those dozens I know. It’s also why I’ve not gone on nearly the number of dates you have, mostly by choice. At least you’re still trying and rolling the dice.

I stand by that overall you handled this well. Certainly room for improvement but well. I wish I had better news. It’s not hopeless but it’s also a huge challenge. FWIW it didn’t get really bad until my early 50s. So by that calculation you’ve still got at least 8 decent years to go.

HAVE A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

[LH19]

I wish I could but I can’t - at least not when it comes to women.

What about these women make you feel they are low quality?

On top of that my list of quality women who don’t at all care to date grows.

Why is this? I have an idea but like to hear your thoughts.

One was a pretty successful model and is still very pretty.

Hmmmm.

Another a financial broker.

Women typically (KML) only date man as successful or more successful them. Most really successful man tend to date multiple women or date younger. I am willing to bet she doesn't want to share a man or date a 60 year old man.

Another owns her own small business.

See above

The latest one I’m lucky if we get together once a month. Imagine that I actually want more interaction than she does!

Are you sleeping with this woman?

I just seem to remember you talking about at least a few guys who really wanted to date you and you even said you can’t find anything wrong with them yet you had no interest.

I think you are on to something Don.

Are you changing that story now? I swear there was a few but you could not bring yourself to give them the chance they appeared to deserve. Yet broken cowboy got a huge chance. I guess that’s what I’m seeing.

Seems like pysch 101.

My renewed fav radio psychologist lost her husband a few years ago and says these exact things. She’s pickier than I am and doesn’t think she will ever find someone worthy. She’s mot given up but no longer tries. Maybe that’s the story with those dozens I know. It’s also why I’ve not gone on nearly the number of dates you have, mostly by choice. At least you’re still trying and rolling the dice.

It's a numbers game. As long as your ok alone you can't lose.

I stand by that overall you handled this well. Certainly room for improvement but well. I wish I had better news. It’s not hopeless but it’s also a huge challenge. FWIW it didn’t get really bad until my early 50s. So by that calculation you’ve still got at least 8 decent years to go.

Don what changed when you got in your early 50s?

[bttrfly]

As for why I am “attracted” to any of these “broken” men. I will not call it a trauma bond, but I have lived a hard life from day one. I never had it easy, I’ve had it very challenging . My childhood wasn’t great, and because of that we all know how my early adulthood went . Chose a bad partner . That was when I was “broken” I know hardship and I can relate to others who have known hardship. It’s something in common. But I don’t consider myself broken. Texan is broken. It makes me very sad for him. But the guy who grew up with a great childhood and had everything easy makes it kind of hard for me to relate I guess. Or maybe I feel like they can’t relate to me. But there is a fine line between broken and those who knew hardship. I find that character can be developed from a hard life abs overcoming obstacles and coming out on top. That’s something that is very attractive tics to me and I can relate to.

So I hope that explains it a bit better. Do I entertain these “broken” men longer than I should? Yea. A part of me understands their pain.

My darling girl, I've known people who seemingly had idyllic childhoods. Everything you could want for your kids - great schools, strong family bonds, enough money to do absolutely anything they wanted, some from exceptionally well-connected families. Yet, those people still struggled. It's the human struggle G. What I'm saying is don't go by what's readily obvious. You might be surprised if you gave one of those guys a chance ... the two of you might relate on the really important things in an unexpected way. I'm thinking of one of my close friends right now - there's no way a second generation Italian kid from a blue collar family should have anything in common with someone from his background, yet we do, and those bonds are tighter than you could imagine. All I'm saying is keep your mind open.

Now there's also the not feeling comfortable in that world. I get it. My son's godfather comes from that world, and when we would vacation together as an extended family I had to overcome my own feelings of not being good enough because of my working class family background. Maybe that's something to think about for you too? I will say this - as i've lived more, gotten more 'seasoned' I've also become way more comfortable in my own skin. Everything that's happened to me, absolutely everything, has made me who I am today and I'm a freaking unicorn. Someone would be really lucky to have me in their life. I'm not boasting. I'm not saying I'm without faults - one look around my messier-than-I'd-like house will give me ample things to put myself down over, but the real core of me? That's not gold, it's titanium. I see that in you, which leads me here:

You could have achieved the same outcome but without much of the pain, anxiety and drama had you gone slower and made him prove himself BEFORE he was given the prize of becoming your boyfriend. You gave him the prize and then allowed him to win it. Typically people have to win the game before getting the trophy. You chose to give him the trophy at the start of the game.

Baby girl, YOU ARE THE PRIZE! YOU ARE THE TROPHY! Believe that. Live that. You are NOT a "presentation trophy" for some guy who actually shows up. YOU ARE THE REAL DEAL Super G. Do you know what I always call you that, think of you as Super G? Because YOU are INCREDIBLE!
I'm not blowing smoke up your comely @$$ or saying this because it's your birthday. I'm saying this because it's the truth.

Look at where you started out in your life.
Look at what you've overcome.
Look at what an absolutely OUTSTANDING job you've done as a mother.

You have more compassion and forgiveness than most people I've met in my lifetime put together. It shows in how you are with your Dad and stepmom, despite how your dad behaves at times. It shows in how you are with your exh and his wife. I'm in awe of you.

Look at how good you are at your job.
Look at what esteem you're held in by your colleagues.

Take a good look at the you we all see.

Don't give her away as a participation trophy. You're worth much more than that.

Happy birthday G.

I love ya kehd!

xoxoxox

[bttrfly]

and one more thing:

let's turn this suc&er on it's head- instead of:

"I've had to struggle all my life for everything"

let's try this:

"I've earned everything I have through hard work, intelligence, discipline and character and I'm worth it!"