Feels like failure again

[Bunches]

So I hadn't posted any updates in recent weeks. Not much has changed. Did a recent visit for S near where he lives instead of here. Finding some new norms at work which is giving me some time back. I spent a couple days out of town over the weekend and went to see some very old friends. W didn't seem to take this so well. I'm trying not to react to her reactions. Everyone seems to gauge me well that I can't seem to DB very well. Emotions hold too much sway. I'm trying.

Two weeks ago we did go to the counseling appointment we set up and there was a lot of difficulty. W did talk but it seemed so difficult for her. She talked about resentment she feels like I have toward her. We decided to take IC for follow ups but the counselor seems to want us to come again together to talk about treatment. W has since cancelled her individual appointment and took time instead to go camping with our other boys without me. At my recent IC it was suggested I'm carrying some trauma from the affairs of previous marriage and this one has made it worse.

I'm trying to figure out summer plans. I've got a lot of vacation time and if I can I'd like to plan something where I can get S away for some time if I can organize work around it.

Still going steadily to the gym and started hanging out with an old friend in my spare time.

[SteveLW]

Going to MC with a WAS is never going to work. Of course it was difficult for her, she wants out of the marriage and MC is pressure and pursuit to stay in it. And of course the MC wants to do a follow-up, it is how they make money!

IC is much better. The fact that she agreed to do IC as followups and then canceled the IC is all the proof you need to know that, quite bluntly, she has no desire to save or work on the marriage. So this is where you doubledown on DBing. GAL (sounds like you are doing fairly well here), self-improvement (More IC, less MC (in fact, no MC!), and work on emotional detachment. Your latest update shows you are still too worried and invested in what she is doing. "She canceled IC." "She is camping with our boys without me." Etc. That shows that her words and actions still have too much of an emotional impact on you, which you readily admit emotions have too much sway over you. So work through that in IC!

Remember, her only power over you is the power you give her.

[BL42]

Bunches,

Did a recent visit for S near where he lives instead of here.

Good! You & your S should be a priority.

I spent a couple days out of town over the weekend and went to see some very old friends.

Good! Visiting old friends is perfect GAL.

W didn't seem to take this so well. I'm trying not to react to her reactions.

Sounds like your W has a lot of resentment. I get the sense she wouldn't be cheery regardless of what you did, and I think it's good you're getting away - you two need space. Good for you for not reacting emotionally to her.

Everyone seems to gauge me well that I can't seem to DB very well. Emotions hold too much sway. I'm trying.

I don't know, this update seems alright. Spending time w/son, friends, giving space, not reacting emotionally, gym...etc.

Two weeks ago we did go to the counseling appointment we set up and there was a lot of difficulty. W did talk but it seemed so difficult for her. She talked about resentment she feels like I have toward her. We decided to take IC for follow ups but the counselor seems to want us to come again together to talk about treatment.

I agree w/Steve that MC isn't going to work if you're not both into it. Don't follow up with MC unless W is really pushing it and genuinely invested. Instead keep going to IC and focus on yourself.

W has since cancelled her individual appointment and took time instead to go camping with our other boys without me.

What did you do with her gift of time? Did you take advantage of it?

At my recent IC it was suggested I'm carrying some trauma from the affairs of previous marriage and this one has made it worse.

Seems very possible. I'd continue with IC and explore that.

I'm trying to figure out summer plans. I've got a lot of vacation time and if I can I'd like to plan something where I can get S away for some time if I can organize work around it.

Perfect. Do it!

Still going steadily to the gym and started hanging out with an old friend in my spare time.

Great! Are you seeing physical results of the gym? Feeling more in-shape, attractive, and confident?

Bunches - Perhaps nothing "major" in your update, but it seems like you're doing well...getting away and giving space, spending time with S and friends, hitting the gym, going to IC. Keep all of those up. You'll get through this!

[Bunches]

So W starts an argument tonight to explain her frustration with me for my trip out of town. I was gone Sunday from around noon til Monday night and was back around 11. I left a message I was headed out and when I would be back, which apparently isn't the source of the argument. It's that i drove 6 hours to visit friends. According to her, too far without talking to her about it. Makes no sense to me. Just apologized that it bothered her and we left it there.

[Josh71]

Just apologized that it bothered her and we left it there.

Why did you apologize? There is nothing to apologize for. You validate that you understand, and that's it. Don't try make any sense of it. In her state she is looking for anything to fight about. No matter what you do, you'll be wrong and cannot be right. Focus on yourself, not her reaction.

[SteveLW]

So W starts an argument tonight to explain her frustration with me for my trip out of town. I was gone Sunday from around noon til Monday night and was back around 11. I left a message I was headed out and when I would be back, which apparently isn't the source of the argument. It's that i drove 6 hours to visit friends. According to her, too far without talking to her about it. Makes no sense to me. Just apologized that it bothered her and we left it there.

Never apologize. I suggest avoiding all validation statements that start with "I am sorry....." I never liked those. "I understand you feel I should run longer trips by you." Notice, you are recognizing how she feels, but you are neither agreeing with or disagreeing with her, no making excuses or apologizing. And then remember, be the one that ends the conversation. "I understand that you feel I should run longer trips by you. I have to go, I have a lot to do."

LBSs secretly like to get sucked into these kinds of arguments. However, it is a cheeseless tunnel. Listen for a reasonable amount of time (as long as she isn't yelling or being disrespectful), then validate and end the conversation. Most LBSs get tripped up by interacting too much with the WAS.

[BL42]

Bunches,

In her state she is looking for anything to fight about. No matter what you do, you'll be wrong and cannot be right.

^This is often the case and probably true here. If you properly communicated your plans and didn't shirk any responsibilities then you have nothing to apologize for. It's likely just resentment built on her side putting you in a no-win situation.

[Ready2Change]

Listen for a reasonable amount of time (as long as she isn't yelling or being disrespectful), then validate and end the conversation.

Based off my research, I made my house a safe place to express emotions. Humans are emotional beings and there are very few safe places to vent out some emotional energy. The key is to set boundaries around the disrespect and any physical violence.

As long as I don't get sucked into the other persons emotional state, I can calmly let anyone vent their frustrations to me, even if the trigger is something I did.

I believe my relationships are better because of this. The other person feels heard and understood and feels better after getting some emotional release.