Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (2)

[LH19]

Yep and Peter if she commits don’t disappear and sweep it under the rug. Tough times is a perfect example of why you should not.

[PeterB]

You need to keep shifting your expectations. Expect the worst. Think of the dumbest, most outrageous possible scenario - and expect that.

You bet. I have imagined a few scenarios that leads up to D and any related craziness. "Preemptive detaching", if you will.

[PeterB]

Yep and Peter if she commits don’t disappear and sweep it under the rug. Tough times is a perfect example of why you should not.

Yeah, no way. She has too much baggage in her mind and she has converted this into a duel, that she can't "let me win". Also, I don't think commitment means there same to everyone. She might commit, but has she really?

And if we start piecing, there will be a piecing thread, if we D, there will be a post-D thread.

[Josh71]

Yeah, +1 on LH19. I didn't do this on BD1, so who knows how long before BD2, she was having an EA.

I should have continued to DB well past BD1.

To be fair, I didn't fully understand my contribution to BD2 until it was too late.

Anyway, don't want to hijack your thread. Having piecing conditions is fine. Indeed whilst my D is all but inevitable, I know what would need to happen if that rare case STBXW wants back.

[PeterB]

It's been 10 days of relative peace (including an unexpected positive re-revision of one part of our MR) until today morning. She has snapped (understatement) at me many times during the last 10 days but I was always able to use boundary enforcement effectively. Once she cornered me while driving back at night with my son sleeping in the rear seat. I tried to enforce boundary, but she was not interested and continued to bash me. After that I completely stopped responding even with uhms/nods/okays etc, for the rest of the distance - about 10 mins or so. She stopped. Back at home I communicated calmly whatever minimum was required to wind up for the night. She was angry inside but didn't escalate further. Any advice what to do when she starts disrespectful conduct while I am driving?

Fast forward to today morning and she ran as fast as she can into her castle while throwing Molotov Cocktails at my lawn. Let me walk you through.

Yesterday she suggested we go out somewhere and we did. Just before leaving she snapped at me on a ridiculous topic - apparently, I didn't put on the right pants on my son. She quickly got pretty nasty I didn't bite. The rest of the day went nicely, and she even showed what could have been affection. After coming back, we were all resting when she came into my room and started a discussion. She went over our revised marriage. She went on for about 15 mins while I listened. I validated about two times and finally excused myself.

During the discussion she admitted that she was nasty in the morning. I could easily sense that she didn't have one bit of remorse and didn't apologize (not that I asked for one). Instead, she blamed her behavior on me and said that she is the worst form of herself around me. She said how she was confused but she is full of bitterness towards me that she cannot overcome. She also wondered aloud if she should consider staying in this M with no real love, but still have a great time by living together and 'coparenting'. She also made excuses for having sex with me by telling me about a bit of knowledge gained from a 'women's magazine', that pre-divorce sex is common and awesome, it means nothing, and the girl should eventually be strong enough to D. Then she dropped ILYBINILWY. The one-sided chat ended cordially after a bit. Today was supposed to be her 'me' day so she reminded me of that after dinner and then told me that I should watch him after breakfast while she leaves for the day.

Today morning I woke up and was making breakfast for all three of us. I decided to feed him breakfast too as I planned up my day around him. But no sooner than she saw me making breakfast for him she blew up saying that she did not get a good night's sleep and that I should have slept with him. Started swearing at me in front of my son and chased me around while I left the scene. Things such as this were said - "Fu*k this marriage, I don't fu*king care", "You know what let's get a D tomorrow", "You have done nothing good for me after I said I want divorce".

I was eventually able to lose her by going to the garage after she forcefully prevented me from feeding him breakfast. All the while she screamed that I do not do anything meaningful for my son (which has been a familiar accusation after BD). She said that she spends the whole day with him and that she needs a break. All this is so mindboggling that I am not going to spend time here writing about it. She also repeatedly accused me of making her a bad person and shouted that she wants a D asap. She also made vomiting sounds to express her disgust of me and that she can't stand it when I am near her. I did not respond to any of these. After breakfast I took my son to a room to play with him and she suddenly reappeared and started off again. I left the room, and she didn't follow this time.

While I was working out in the garage, I found out that she wrote me about 15 messages. Then she left the house for her 'me' day and then wrote more messages. I have not read any of them and have spent quality time with my son (she knows I have not read them as its Whatsapp), until a break to write this up.

Thoughts and advice?

[PeterB]

During above episode she once walked up to me in a huff and asked me - "Tell me why do you want to stay in this marriage?". I did not answer but I acknowledged the question by looking at her and nodding. She told me forcefully "you need to answer". Then my son pulled me to attend to something and she walked away. How should I respond to a question like this?

[BL42]

PeterB,

It's been 10 days of relative peace (including an unexpected positive re-revision of one part of our MR) until today morning. She has snapped (understatement) at me many times during the last 10 days but I was always able to use boundary enforcement effectively.

You say 10 days of "relative peace", but also that she's snapped at you many times. Doesn't sound peaceful.

Any advice what to do when she starts disrespectful conduct while I am driving?

I'm not sure other than to avoid being in a vehicle with her. Maybe others have thoughts.

She went on for about 15 mins while I listened. I validated about two times and finally excused myself.

Good job.

Instead, she blamed her behavior on me and said that she is the worst form of herself around me.

It's incredibly common around here for the WAS/WS to blame the LBS for the WAS/WS's actions. Remember, for your own sanity, a persons' actions are a reflection of their own character, not yours.

She said how she was confused but she is full of bitterness towards me that she cannot overcome. She also wondered aloud if she should consider staying in this M with no real love, but still have a great time by living together and 'coparenting'.

I'd believe her when she says she's confused, but remember to trust her actions not her words.

She also made excuses for having sex with me by telling me about a bit of knowledge gained from a 'women's magazine', that pre-divorce sex is common and awesome, it means nothing, and the girl should eventually be strong enough to D.

She's going to seek out justification & validation for her actions & decisions.

Then she dropped ILYBINILWY.

Also incredibly common.

Started swearing at me in front of my son and chased me around while I left the scene. Things such as this were said - "Fu*k this marriage, I don't fu*king care", "You know what let's get a D tomorrow", "You have done nothing good for me after I said I want divorce".

There's no excuse for this behavior. You can not condone or allow her to scream and swear at you in front of your child.

She also made vomiting sounds to express her disgust of me and that she can't stand it when I am near her.

It sounds like she has absolutely no respect for you. That's ugly behavior.

I did not respond to any of these.

Good.

I have not read any of them and have spent quality time with my son (she knows I have not read them as its Whatsapp), until a break to write this up.

Thoughts and advice?

No idea what the messages say, but you're smart for focusing on your son and waiting. I wouldn't respond emotionally, IF at all. Unless there's a critical item about your son, it's unlikely you need to / should respond.

During above episode she once walked up to me in a huff and asked me - "Tell me why do you want to stay in this marriage?". I did not answer but I acknowledged the question by looking at her and nodding. She told me forcefully "you need to answer". Then my son pulled me to attend to something and she walked away. How should I respond to a question like this?

It sounds like she's trying to be ugly and mean to get a rise out of you and make you be the bad guy / pull the trigger. You don't need to respond at all. However, if you have to say something "I'll have to think about that.", then leave the room.

PeterB - That's a lot of anger and hate sent your way. Hang in there.

[PeterB]

PeterB,

It's been 10 days of relative peace (including an unexpected positive re-revision of one part of our MR) until today morning. She has snapped (understatement) at me many times during the last 10 days but I was always able to use boundary enforcement effectively.

You say 10 days of "relative peace", but also that she's snapped at you many times. Doesn't sound peaceful.

Thats why I said relative peace. I have been able to enforce boundaries, there have been only two outbursts (including once in the car). She had been doing positive things like planning outings and being warm. She has also initiated sex (although she said she does not want to) and re-revised certain things to positive after making them negative post-BD. Yet, I had been expecting a run back to her castle, but I was not expecting it to happen with so much force and venom.

"You have done nothing good for me after I said I want divorce".

I wanted to revisit this statement here. What is she expecting - for me to beg her to stay or shower her with affection and other things? Any suggested response to this?

No idea what the messages say, but you're smart for focusing on your son and waiting. I wouldn't respond emotionally, IF at all. Unless there's a critical item about your son, it's unlikely you need to / should respond.

Just read her messages. It's the same things said during BD but with more venom and swearing. Repeated that she is over me several times. And re-telling a quote that she had found in a 'women's magazine' that converts this into a duel and that she can't let me win as it would mean she has handed me power over her and her happiness (if anyone knows that quote, please DO NOT post it here as it can appear in search engines). She also repented that she did not D soon after BD and that I am moving on as if her misery never happened, that I have done no self-reflection. All this is pretty much a 180 behavior from yesterday. Note that post-BD and pre-DB, I had written detailed emails and has long discussions about my self-reflection and validating whatever she said.

At least to me, I know I have done deep self-reflection and owned up genuinely to all my mistakes. I did not ask her to listen to my side of the story. I entered a continuous journey of self-improvement, and I am happy about that. I have also forgiven her for her mistakes and myself for my mistakes and that has given me peace.

I have not responded to these messages. It's possible that she will blow up again at not getting a response.

[kml]

You know - sometimes - and I’m not saying this is necessarily your wife - but sometimes women threaten divorce in an attempt to get their husband to “fight for them”. (Men don’t seem to do this, for whatever reason). Whether that’s her or not I can’t know, but she does seem to be having some second thoughts now that you’re not fighting her on the divorce and are giving her a taste of what life would be like without you.

Perhaps the stance to take would be to tell her “Divorce is not what I want, but since you seem to still be determined to divorce, it seems like you could at least be kinder about breaking my heart”.

Or, if you DON’T want her back - because she’s pretty abusive! - then stop sleeping with her and say “ I can’t sleep with someone who is divorcing me and not in love with me. Let’s just put our children first and part amicably. I set you free and hope you find happiness.”

Whichever you decide, the fighting in front of your autistic son has to stop. If it’s legal in your state, try secretly recording her when she’s doing this in your sons presence - this might help you if custody becomes an issue.

[Ready2Change]

"You have done nothing good for me after I said I want divorce".

I wanted to revisit this statement here. What is she expecting - for me to beg her to stay or shower her with affection and other things? Any suggested response to this?[/quote]

Who cares what she is expecting. Look at her, hold eye contact and say:"That must be frustrating. Is that how you feel?"

Decide what type of behavior YOU want to practice with her and then do it. What would you be practicing if you said the words above?