A year on and standing 2

[SteveLW]

One thing also, I am cutting down much on drinking as well and just nurse a pint or 2 during gathering and occasions. Hope to keep this streak going

ToSmile, congratulations on trying to get your drinking under control. However, if you think you have a problem at all, from personal experience, a total moratorium on drinking might be the only path forward. Social drinking for those of us that have a problem with alcohol can lead to overindulging, or even slipping back into old bad habits. 28 years ago I had to stop completely and never touch alcohol again, or else I would have just continued to spiral and be a problem drinker. If you think you are an alcoholic then there really is no such thing as moderation.

[BL42]

ToSmile,

Good to hear from you. Glad you're doing well w/GAL and job search.

With the wife wise, still no progress so far though. I am not ready yet to be the one initiating the proceedings and she has yet really taken the step to file as well.

You're coming up on 4 years since BD, right? That's a long time for IHS.

I just replied in a chirpy manner: Yep, sell and get a new place, Yep, terms same and proceed on busying with my stuffs and wish her bye as I left for work with her looking a bit taken aback haha.

Haha, good job.

I do think that I am at a better place than I was. I'll be honest that when she raised up the topic again, it affected me. But well, only for that hour or so and then I move on to embrace my day. It would be a waste to sulk it away over something that I can't do anything about.

Sounds like you're making progress with detachment. It'll affect you even less as time moves on.

I also had serious conversation with myself. If my wife is gonna do a 180 and embrace me now, how would I feel? Frankly, I will dodge and feel afraid. Very afraid. I feel she has some serious stuff that she has to work out herself and for what is to come, we will see how it goes when it comes. At times, I also start to double-take if I want her back.

People often have a tendency to try to hold on tight to something when they're at risk of losing it, even if it's something they may not want as much when it's readily available.

Although our situation is still pretty much in a standstill, I am kinda fine with that as at the present moment, I also do not think I am ready to get into another relationship and the kids are also doing pretty well recently.

Good you're steady and content. How old are your kids?

One thing also, I am cutting down much on drinking as well and just nurse a pint or 2 during gathering and occasions. Hope to keep this streak going

That's great! Better for your health, physique, and possibly your relationships.

I suspect your monkey is looking for another branch to grab hold of right now.

There was a strong indication of an affair, right? Any updates there?

[ToSmile]

Hi BL42,

Yeah, its coming to 4 years. My kids are 9 and 12 respectively and yeah, at times I do also wonder if there may be affair or OM but I just don't go and think of it.

The promise I made to myself is if there is one and I witness it myself, I will stop sending and proceed immediately with the serving of the papers. Otherwise, I do not wish to be involved or dwelling in what she is doing. It would be tough for me to move on. So I channel my energy and everything to my kids and myself

With regards to the drinking portion, Steve yeah I think I might be an alcoholic and the longest streak that I stop drinking is about a week lol. It's the only "vice" I keep now. I used to smoke, and quite heavily to keep me going with the daily stress and etc. Till I quite smoking cold turkey years back. I turned to drinks.

On normal days (like most days lol), I do 2-3 drinks. Heaviest I go when drinking alone is around 6 drinks. But yeah. I am working towards refraining except for occasions. I think it's like that saying.... you become a smoker when you start to buy your own cigarette than smoking what others offer you and an alcoholic when you start to drink alone...

[SteveLW]

Are you in IC?

[ToSmile]

5 Years I stood.

Well I made the choice. Got off the forum for a while to live my life, changed a new job and try to focus on the dynamics of me and my children only, tell myself that as long as she did not cross my line (Being involved with another person), I just see where it takes us and she can go YOLO and enjoy her freedom and space.

She treats me the same. Seeing me like enemy, once in a while speaking about divorce and pushing the papers to me. Though I told her to attention it to my lawyer, she never did because her family stepped in and stopped it when she mentioned about divorce.

Inside me, I was holding to the hope that she would come to, or the effect of this wayward or what will wear off like after 5-6 years (the magic number I gave to myself because that's what I read online being the longest period for someone to come to or never)

But well, I was wrong to tend to believe and reality points me to really the outcome I have to face. For this 5 years, she is still with the person she claimed to have EA with 5 years ago. Why did I know?

She tried to introduced him to our kids again, albeit with the guy using a different name this time. Thinking that the kids would forgot about it. The guy sending her back home when I was outstation, and informed to me by my neighbors. At first I was wondering who this guy is, coming into our family life and seemingly trying to take up the presence of the father to my kids. Because when she brought the kids out, she would not allow me to tag along but would always try to invite this guy here.

Upon the kids and neighbor's description of his features, I shared a old group photo and immediately, they pointed him out.

I am piecing myself together now to take action. I am also contemplating of getting a private investigator for evidence first before any actions in order to better my chances of having full care and control for the children. I do not mind sharing the custody of children, but I would want to be the primary care giver to the children, though the law from where I am gives preference to women.

However, the Private investigation fee gonna cost. I am not sure If I would want to jump to the proceeding straight, or gather evidence first to strip her lying mask. The kids are older now and they themselves realize what is happening and they wanted to follow me than her. And right now, she is trying to kinda bribe the kids by buying them expensive gifts and such, claiming that I brainwashed them etc (the kids told me that).

It's tough and I think it's gonna get tougher. But this can no longer go on, and it's affecting my focus at work and with tasks. I got to put an end to it in order for us to live our lives. It's really shameless of her to introduce the guy to the children as what she did years ago. Kids are now also very disappointed with her and having strong resentment towards the guy.

Now as I am considering on the options of the investigations, I am also reaching out to my lawyers to set the plans for next actions.

Returning here for support in this journey....