One thing my ex said to me when he was divorcing me was that he had been told “if it’s a fair settlement neither of us will feel like we’ve gotten everything we’ve wanted”. This was very true.
She wants to have these conversations with you because she wants to bully you into the settlement she wants. Never respond to her requests - just say “I’ll discuss that with my attorney”. Just that: “ I’ll discuss that with my attorney”. Do not agree to ANYTHING. And remind her that two households cannot live as cheaply as one, so neither of you can expect the same lifestyle after divorce that you have now.
Btw - I just had a random thought about her statement that she makes as much as you - could she be lying? Do you file your taxes jointly, have you seen proof that she’s earning that much? Seems unlikely that it would be a lie, but if it was, might explain some of her freaking out about finances.
Josh, I'm sorry that didn't play out as you hoped and planned. I agree you BOTH escalated the situation and this is the path to more expensive and contentious divorces. The question is, what will you learn from this for future interactions? Are you only learning to use e-mail, or can you internalize 1-2 other nuggets to avoid future mistakes and consequences?
Originally Posted by Josh
I really didn't know how to validate that sort of anger,
The only way to win is to stop having these conversations. BL42 and I have said--decide what you want, communicate in writing, wait 2-3 days for emotions to settle, pass anything you write to her related to finances or custody by your attorney. My divorce was cheap and easy. Ready2Change still has all his e-mails. Get yourself onto the easiest possible path.
The mood was so cold, I said I'm not attending the school function.
Consider adding some calming techniques to your repertoire. There are apps like Headspace, stress balls, etc. Driving solo may have helped. You likely don't want to back out of functions related to your kids. Being the parent who knew the teachers and other parents and their friends definitely had advantages for me related to custody, control, and closeness to my children. Unless you want your STBXW to be the primary for those. My XW is totally fine with that.
Thanks for the tips. I do meditate, which keeps me in check. In this case, it helps me to not raise my voice and to play the same emotional game. It doesn't help me, I find, to have constant emotional control. But it helps me to bd aware much quicker.
She doesn't make more money than me. What she was saying is that she brought more to the marriage in terms of property which was used to buy the family home. During our marriage, I funded every else. In Au, settlements are rarely 50/50 to reflect the contribution of housework. Just not to thd extent she thinks.
Thank you. Things have taken a 180 that's for sure. And I'm not sure if it can recover amicably. But that was going to happen later, if not now. I'm glad it's out in the open, she knows I'm not going to be pushed over. This morning total cold shoulder. No friendly talk, nothing but one question , "How do you feel about leaving me last night?" me: "nothing, it was your choice." she: "I thought so." Another bait, I know. It's so hard to DB in this state as she knows how to manipulate to make me look like the bad guy, and my natural state is to get defensive and push away. I'm not going to dwell on it any more, this is just her personality. Maybe things will calm over time, I don't know. For me, it's another example of no compromise, symbolic of our entire relationship. No more looking back at what I could have done, how it could have worked. Just about me and kids.
She left early in the morning for her parents with the kids. Today I get time to myself, and to do more clean up of the house. Tomorrow I have another IC session.
I'm not sure if it can recover amicably. But that was going to happen later, if not now.
This escalation didn't have to happen. You're not the first to lose their temper and make things worse while talking about money and custody, but some of us avoided that. I'm glad you're resolving that *you* will only reply *by e-mail*--you can't control how she messages you--and that will certainly help. Can you take on-board any of our other suggestions?
I'd love to see you avoid making some of the other mistakes we're warning you about! (a) Wait 2-3 days before any response to let your emotions settle, (b) Pass all responses by an attorney so they can vet them, (c) After learning what you're entitled to, decide what you want and make it so instead of checking in on her opinion first.
Originally Posted by Josh
The mood was so cold, I said I'm not attending the school function.
Originally Posted by Traveler
Consider adding some calming techniques to your repertoire. There are apps like Headspace, stress balls, etc. Driving solo may have helped. You likely don't want to back out of functions related to your kids. Being the parent who knew the teachers and other parents and their friends definitely had advantages for me related to custody, control, and closeness to my children. Unless you want your STBXW to be the primary for those. My XW is totally fine with that.
Originally Posted by Josh
In this case, it helps me to not raise my voice and to play the same emotional game. It doesn't help me, I find, to have constant emotional control.
Josh, it's great meditation helps you not yell. That's a solid start. I'm not suggesting you work on calming techniques until you have "constant emotional control"--let's be more realistic. Within 5-15 minutes your STBXW calmed down enough to attend a school function and you did not. Being able to calm down within 5-15 minutes enough to not skip events related to your kids seems like a laudable 180, one good for Josh and his kids and his relationships.
Originally Posted by Josh
one question , "How do you feel about leaving me last night?" me: "nothing, it was your choice." she: "I thought so." Another bait, I know.
You say above you CHOSE not to attend. Why did you shift the responsibility to her?
Originally Posted by Josh
She left early in the morning for her parents with the kids. Today I get time to myself, and to do more clean up of the house. Tomorrow I have another IC session.
Enjoy your day off! Aggressive cleaning can work off some anger. Have some fun today, too!
Thanks. Yeah, I felt leaving was the better option rather than being in a foul mood, or bickering with her away from ear shot. I didn't have the capacity to calm so quickly. Easier to avoid. But I see the improvement there.
I dropped off a Mother's Day gift from the kids at her parents.
Telling her she chose to attend is an aggressive response. I get it. I could have said I felt bad not attending, but didn't want to because I didn't want to create more conflict. The thing is, we would have attended the function with jer ice cold. It would have been obvious.
From her POV, it validated the feelings of abandonment in our marriage. I can see that.
What's the DB way of IHS and WAS not enforcing child disciplines? I've constantly dealt with her back peddling on punishment, to the detriment of my kids. I call it out, and I usually get excuses back. I've never been able to crack this one.
Another sore point in our relationship, inconsistent discipline. It's quite frustrating.
Nothing you can do other then try to have a calm conversation with her. You can’t control how she acts. This is an issue I had with my exw while married and now divorced. She thinks yelling at them is productive.
