You don't HAVE to drop your relationship with her family. Sometimes LBS have a fantasy the WAS's family will choose the LBS *over* the WAS long-term. That's rare. What's not rare is some people who had good relationships with their ex-inlaws maintain them through a divorce. You are no longer their daughter's husband, but you are still bound to them as their grandchildren's father.
My XGF is invited to any ex-inlaw family gatherings where XH is not invited. Besides maintaining that relationship, the ex-inlaws get more time with her D and S.
You don't HAVE to drop your relationship with her family. Sometimes LBS have a fantasy the WAS's family will choose the LBS *over* the WAS long-term. That's rare. What's not rare is some people who had good relationships with their ex-inlaws maintain them through a divorce. You are no longer their daughter's husband, but you are still bound to them as their grandchildren's father.
Emotionally, I cannot do that right now. Indeed, they wouldn't take sides, and would still treat me the same as before. I just don't have the headspace, I'd feel miserable inside and don't think I could fake looking like all is well. I appreciate it's my lizard brain telling me to avoid and wanting to just move on already. I'm using up enough resolve to keep it together at home.
Emotionally, I cannot do that right now. Indeed, they wouldn't take sides, and would still treat me the same as before. I just don't have the headspace, I'd feel miserable inside and don't think I could fake looking like all is well. I appreciate it's my lizard brain telling me to avoid and wanting to just move on already. I'm using up enough resolve to keep it together at home.
Both options are fine! If you may revisit in the future, when they reach out to you, consider declining the specific invitation or for a period of time, rather than making sweeping statements about your relationship going forward.
Thank you. I agree, a statement of no contact with relatives is a sweeping statement. I'm speaking from hurt, and sure, it will probably change over time.
"Slay Your Fear" is great. It's like compressed IC. I can relate to some of the scenarios, and see behaviors of where I used to be. I really appreciate the specific improvement steps. What resonates is the concept of people versus outcomes. That is truly a different way of framing in a way I never considered. When I reflect on my R history, I never considered the people approach, and can see how my reactions on outcomes contributed to my current sitch. And moving forward, even now, I can see that. I can see how it can help me to keep things grounded on our new relationship.
Thank you for the tip, I can't wait to see what the other chapters look like.
You’re welcome! Thought you might like it. It’s like the crib notes of No More MR. Nice Guy.
Now that you mention it, it is. It really explains about why I let people cross the red line, passive behavior, and outcomes versus people. I really want to reframe my thoughts on XW in this regard.
Today I feel really down. A lot of worry in my head It has to do with upcoming conversations on child agreements, finances, the fear of living alone. My energy is used up to "fake it until you make it", and I still have my stomach in knots. Taking a cue from the book, If I reframe this with core principals, I see that honesty, fairness, and love are what I'm about. These conversations are about what is best for the kids and what is fair for both of us.
