I'm Back after 1st DB (2)

[BL42]

ovrrnbw/LH19,

Makes sense? You're throwing in the towel. She deserves pursuing sexual satisfaction and happiness.

It's comments like this that solidify my stance that marriage is a joke.

Traveler just out of curiosity what in your mind changes if he didn't throw in the towel which he hasn't BTW?

I'm not sure what he was trying to say but man it stinks like a pile of $#% around the corner.

I'm a pro marriage guy and I think Traveler's heart is always in the right place, I just really disagree with this (maybe I missed something).

I'm with you guys here. I didn't get this comment either. Someone wants to pursue more exciting sex so it's cool if they go off and have affairs and divorce their spouse? One of the least pro-marriage comment you could make. Marriage as an institution has certainly crumbled in our society - seems like this stuff is barely frowned upon anymore.

Josh_T,

Yeah, in the morning she was sulky, probably thinking about our sitch. Later, she was trying to attempt like everything is normal. Wanting to chat whilst I'm playing with my younger daughter. Trying to engage me and the older kid with jokes. It's hard to DB here because there are child things everyday.

This is speculation. You don't know what she's thinking. Focus on yourself instead of spending time trying to read her mind. No doubt IHS is tough, I don't disagree.

I'm thinking, since I work in the office two days a week, I should let her know I'll be absent on those ecenings so I can do my own thing. She has to learn I won't be around like I am now.

You should go out and GAL. But you don't do it to "teach her a lesson". When you say "she has to learn" it makes it sound controlling and manipulative. Do it for yourself!

[Mumin]

Before D while IHS I set up a 2,2,3 schedule which worked well.
It give each S every other weekend and isn’t as big of a step for the kids.
On my days “off” childcare I tried to GAL and not be home as much as possible.
Hit the gym! Your mind and body need it!

[Josh71]

I'm thinking, since I work in the office two days a week, I should let her know I'll be absent on those ecenings so I can do my own thing. She has to learn I won't be around like I am now.

You should go out and GAL. But you don't do it to "teach her a lesson". When you say "she has to learn" it makes it sound controlling and manipulative. Do it for yourself!

See, I can't get detach. Still framing it about her emotions!

Before D while IHS I set up a 2,2,3 schedule which worked well.
It give each S every other weekend and isn’t as big of a step for the kids.
On my days “off” childcare I tried to GAL and not be home as much as possible.
Hit the gym! Your mind and body need it!

Uh, I just finished an email to her on the very topic of schedule!

[LH19]

Uh, I just finished an email to her on the very topic of schedule!

You should post here first.

[Josh71]

Oops, too late. It was just about transitioning weekends where initially, we alternate Sat/Sun, and then whole weekends. The first w/e post BD was as fluid as if we were a couple. No boundaries.

It makes me think, she hasn't brought this up yet because she would loose the flexibility of me being on demand.

I realise I HAVE to stop that now. I've also laid the expectation that two weekdays, I'm not home until late.

What is the DB view on family of WW? I'm close, even on a few whatsapp chats. I plan to not visit any more, and droo from the chats. I don't think WW has mentioned anything to the family. Seems the right thing to do for detachment.

[Josh71]

So I made it clear to W to start having separate days on w/e, since we got things that prevent a full w/e swap.

Right away, she attempts a boundary violation by wanting to go out for a few hours on Sunday, which I said is not my day.

Here is my proposed sms response. Thoughts?

Sat, I want to be with the kids all day, you can continue your dance classes. No, to Sunday. We're no longer a nuclear family.

[Josh71]

Wow, she hated that email. Stormed into my room and tried to say we didn't agree to separate days. I said everything changed the minute you made your decision. She was happy I wasn't resisting the process, but pissed that it wasn't on her terms. She said I couldn't do it because we didn't tell the kids. I said we can do it so it isn't as obvious, and said we tell the kids once we agree on the narrative. Suddenly she says we need a mediator because we are arguing. Which we are not, she is simply upset that her way isn't followed.

I felt I handled it well, except I didn't end the conversation on my terms. She now gets my point on boundaries.

I find it odd Slshe's not willing to put in the effort on settlement and not willing to see a lawyer. Makes sense, she knows best.

Parenting plan will be a nightmare because she has this fantasy I'll be living close. I don't think I have the finances to do that.

Anyhow, when I purposely focus on detachment, I can't believe how much of my life revolved around others and their reactions. She is going to scream murder that anything I do differently won't be for the kids. But its my life now. And given her attitude, mediation and L seems to be my future.

[BL42]

Josh_T,

Uh, I just finished an email to her on the very topic of schedule!

You should post here first.

Oops, too late.

Wow, she hated that email.

Read that progression. As LH recommends, get feedback here before formal communications.

What is the DB view on family of WW? I'm close, even on a few whatsapp chats. I plan to not visit any more, and droo from the chats. I don't think WW has mentioned anything to the family. Seems the right thing to do for detachment.

You'll most likely lose, or at least have a significantly diminished, relationship with her family through this process. Family is family, and no matter what she does they'll "side" with her so to speak. It's probably best for your own frame of mind if you detach from them a bit as well. Not sure you have to leave the group chats completely yet, maybe it's you just tail off on engaging there.

Does WW plan to tell them soon?

Here is my proposed sms response. Thoughts?

Sat, I want to be with the kids all day, you can continue your dance classes. No, to Sunday. We're no longer a nuclear family.

Drop the "we're not longer a nuclear family". Even if true, that's abrasive. Don't suggest to her what to do with her time (dance classes).

What about: "I'd like the kids on Saturday and you can have Sunday in exchange. Does that work?"

Stormed into my room and tried to say we didn't agree to separate days.

Did you? IHS is tough on arguing and detachment. When you're physically separated you won't have to worry about her barging into your room.

I said everything changed the minute you made your decision.

This may be true, but it sounds like it's coming out of hurt and pain and seems a bit vindictive. You should drop these type of comments and think validation.

She was happy I wasn't resisting the process, but pissed that it wasn't on her terms.

Too bad so sad for her. Things aren't always going to be on her terms going forward.

She said I couldn't do it because we didn't tell the kids. I said we can do it so it isn't as obvious, and said we tell the kids once we agree on the narrative.

What is your plan to tell the kids? Is it going to be soon? What do you plan to say? I cringe a bit when I hear "agree on the narrative" because A) it's not some lie to be crafted, you should tell the truth imo (albeit without any salacious details), and B) there are a bunch of stories here including my own where the WAS/WS went ahead and told the kids unilaterally despite agreeing to do it together.

Suddenly she says we need a mediator because we are arguing. Which we are not, she is simply upset that her way isn't followed.

You're not arguing? It sounds like you are.

I felt I handled it well, except I didn't end the conversation on my terms. She now gets my point on boundaries.

Seems like there's room for improvement.

I find it odd Slshe's not willing to put in the effort on settlement and not willing to see a lawyer. Makes sense, she knows best.

Good for you. Cross your fingers you do consult an L and she doesn't. That can only favor you.

Parenting plan will be a nightmare because she has this fantasy I'll be living close. I don't think I have the finances to do that.

You're in pain now and I get the emotions but you have young kids and for quite a long time will need to put what's best for them first.

Anyhow, when I purposely focus on detachment, I can't believe how much of my life revolved around others and their reactions. She is going to scream murder that anything I do differently won't be for the kids. But its my life now. And given her attitude, mediation and L seems to be my future.

Get into Zen mode. Filter out any static you get from her and focus on the business items (kids & finances). Consult an L so you understand your rights.

[Josh71]

Thanks for the encouragement. Today was rough, I couldn't be detached and avoid arguments. We had to talk about how the house must be on the market in two weeks. We now are facing two hellish weeks of cleanup, prep, and storing things away. The urgency is due to a perceived falling market.

What got me today is that we did have a chat about the property settlement, and the seething anger was unnerving. I broke down. She twists it to say I've always been angry at her. Which I know is reflection. Over the years it's been fear because I couldn't set boundaries. She even insinuated I was hiding money, maybe she doesn't trust me because I set a strong boundary, and my instance to see the numbers. In actual fact, she brought a lot more to the relationship, so her entitlement isn't without merit.

Anyway, we are both upset, that's fair. As I said, deep down she's not for me. The minute we moved in, it was all her way, I never could set the boundary, and we had latent resentment from start.

At least we agreed on what happens if the house sells. Rent separately until the transition is best for the kids. That we can agree on.

Part of me says I need to just back off, accept the current sitch of co-parenting until we move out.

[Kind18]

What an absolute train wreck.

1. Don’t interact/discuss/argue/sms/email until coming here first. Even if you have to wait for 24 hours for someone to respond.

2. Get a lawyer ASAP.

You’re doing fine, don’t beat yourself up. Know that this train wreck could have been avoided by minimising interactions and being prepared to deal with her without emotions getting in the way.

Take it as a learning experience - where emotion is involved, everyone loses.