Partly because I'm not interested for emotional reasons, partly because she insists 100% of the time I must initiate which I don't do very often, partly due to sexual disfunction which was since solved, and partly because I'm tired of her criticizing me after every sexual encounter that something was wrong, or not good enough.
That sounds awful Josh. Did you ever try to improve?
Multiple times. After a while, things would fade, for one reason or another, and the pattern would repeat. Yeah, too late now, but self-esteem and fear of intimacy is something I'm exploring in IC. Looking back, my inability to set boundaries created resentment which meant I wasn't ever really interested...
Originally Posted by MrBrside
Josh,
You seem very focused on keeping the peace rather than whats best for you.
Comes across as either weak or Nice Guy Syndrome.
Your WW is in the driving seat at the minute and only you can switch cars and go your own way.
I get a sense that you are scared to annoy her, in case it adds further resentment. Detech and get into the head space that you shouldnt care if she resents you.. Its about working on you - because you can't fix her.
You are so right. I've read the NGS book, and it resonates. And 10 years of W in the driver's seat makes it second nature for. I recall last DB where I didn't give a f*ck, she didn't try hard to challenge. I've got to let go, and move on, and be that guy. Like Steve
FWIW, I've said on no uncertain terms, email anything on numbers. I'm happy to talk next week, but you must back it with an email. I also said I don't want to be involved with the real estate agent. She's also getting curious as to why I'm suddenly leaving at night a few times a week (gym). I've dropped 40 pounds over the last 6 months, and about to start a weight lifting program.
Here is the response from W on email communication, which was what she asked for yesterday.
"Meetings have a purpose. Face to face communication is useful, do you agree? I can't just use email it's not only very time consuming but also notorious for misunderstanding"
Originally Posted by Josh_T
I'm happy to talk next week, but you must back it with an email.
It's up to you how you want to communicate going forward. She can't make you need weekly in person for the next 18 years any more than you can make her email you details and numbers. However, you can train her by only responding to emails so if she wants to communicate she knows trying to set up in=person or phone calls aren't effective. If you want to meet in person, go for it, but typically LBSs have a tough time in person not getting emotion or having R talks or having that hurt their attachment. A business-like email gives you time to ponder and respond succinctly.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
I've dropped 40 pounds over the last 6 months, and about to start a weight lifting program.
It's incredible common the LBS loses a lot of weight. You wouldn't believe how many threads on here the person lost 20, 30, 40 pounds in a short period. It tends to creep back on though if you don't change for the long term. Keep up the gym and add in weight lifting program. Just wait how good you look and feel in a few months. You keep that up and you'll be incredibly confident and attractive.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
She's also getting curious as to why I'm suddenly leaving at night a few times a week (gym). I've dropped 40 pounds over the last 6 months, and about to start a weight lifting program.
This is awesome! Keep it up. When you GAL it can have a profound effect on the WAW/WW. I know it did on mine. There is something very attractive about a happy, engaged, busy man to women. Imagine if we were the way we end up in marriage, sitting on the couch doing nothing or similar, when we first met our wives? They probably wouldn't have stayed with us. It was exciting for them to see us on the go, hanging out with friends, having things to do and enjoying life. Especially apart from them. GAL is so powerful in a lot of ways, but this is certainly one of them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for all this. Deep down, I know MR is finished. I know she's planning her financial future, beyond just selling the house. I see her browsing for new apartments, she has notes about trusts for kids, and is looking at International flights (to visit ex lover I suspect. I hope she doesn't expect me to take time off to look after the kids, because I stupidly did post BD 1. Talk about having no b@llz), and scribbled notes about child costs I'm expected to pay,
Why would I want this W back who has left me 3x now? Who disrespected me the first week we moved in together. Who never once stood by me in my time of need, but always ensured, over the duration of our marriage, that I don't forget the numerous times I wasn't there exactly as she expected.
I'm regaining my power to be stronger, to forge ahead, and to never be a Nice Guy again.
Thanks for all this. Deep down, I know MR is finished. I know she's planning her financial future, beyond just selling the house. I see her browsing for new apartments, she has notes about trusts for kids, and is looking at International flights (to visit ex lover I suspect. I hope she doesn't expect me to take time off to look after the kids, because I stupidly did post BD 1. Talk about having no b@llz), and scribbled notes about child costs I'm expected to pay,
All standard procedure for WWs.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
Why would I want this W back who has left me 3x now? Who disrespected me the first week we moved in together. Who never once stood by me in my time of need, but always ensured, over the duration of our marriage, that I don't forget the numerous times I wasn't there exactly as she expected.
FEAR. Most people will settle for the $hitty known than the potential for something great.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
I'm not really DBing, am I?
What do you mean? To truly DB you are becoming a better version of yourself. Is that what you are doing?
Thanks for all this. Deep down, I know MR is finished. I know she's planning her financial future, beyond just selling the house. I see her browsing for new apartments, she has notes about trusts for kids, and is looking at International flights (to visit ex lover I suspect. I hope she doesn't expect me to take time off to look after the kids, because I stupidly did post BD 1. Talk about having no b@llz), and scribbled notes about child costs I'm expected to pay,
Why would I want this W back who has left me 3x now? Who disrespected me the first week we moved in together. Who never once stood by me in my time of need, but always ensured, over the duration of our marriage, that I don't forget the numerous times I wasn't there exactly as she expected.
I'm regaining my power to be stronger, to forge ahead, and to never be a Nice Guy again.
I'm not really DBing, am I?
Actually I'd argue you are! If more LBHs took this approach after BD there would be more Rs, I truly believe that. DBing is more about NOT trying to save the marriage in order to save the marriage.
But I would be careful assuming she will never want to R again. My WW was well down all of those paths as well before a fairly quick turnaround. It can happen.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But I would be careful assuming she will never want to R again. My WW was well down all of those paths as well before a fairly quick turnaround. It can happen.
UUuuum she did and then bomb him again twice. Time to move on. She's always going to have that itch until she goes out and sees for herself.
What do you mean? To truly DB you are becoming a better version of yourself. Is that what you are doing?
Sure you are right, I just meant in the context of saving the marriage. I don't want to save it. She can't be what I need, what I want, what I deserve.
When we started counselling 6 months ago, when I started to lose weight, it all related to a deep awakening I had for a deep connection with someone, something I never felt before. That is what I see in my future. I actually tell that to myself a couple times a week. I surprise myself because before I started IC, I only had deep negative thoughts. A part of me over the last 6 months was always like, if W changed, how awesome would that be? She hardly ever changed in our 10+ years together. Maybe if I set the boundaries early on, but I never had the wisdom or emotional maturity for that.
I should be browsing for apartments now. It could be a quick sale.
But I would be careful assuming she will never want to R again. My WW was well down all of those paths as well before a fairly quick turnaround. It can happen.
Funny that. On more than one occasion she floated the idea of LAT since it removed domesticity. And she also suggested over the years, when she vocally said she wants to leave, she could see a time where post D she could fall for me again. Problem is 3x bombed, that feels like cake eating.
A part of me over the last 6 months was always like, if W changed, how awesome would that be?
This is what makes people suffer here on this board. I was the same way but at least at one point my exw was once a really amazing person. Sounds like you wanted your w to change from day one. She doesn't think anything is wrong with her. She is sure it's you. She won't be changing anytime soon. Think 5 years down the road maybe after she is put through the ringer by many different men.
