My WW is lazy. Her attempt at determining child support is making up figures on a napkin. I asked her for details, and she emails me a pdf photo if it. I have already crunched the numbers, so I know where I stand.
I don't want to sell the house. I'm going to try to appeal to her greed, because we always talked about knocking down our house to build a duplex which would increase the value substantially. But the problem is that it will take about three years. Post BD this is compelling because it means having family close, but if it gets too weird, I just sell and move on.
The problem is that I certainly don't want a caged animal. She's already getting down with it with boundaries today. In fact she is proclaiming she set some today (which she she broke since they don't apply to her).
Part of me does accept this. Part of me is pissed off she BD 3 months in couples therapy when things seemed to improve. Part of me is nervous as to how this will pan out. And part of me is foaming at the idea I'll get a few days a week with no children, a new apartment, shitloads of cash, and the ability for Dad to have fun nights out.
Where I think I should be headed is supportive, validate, but with boundaries. For sure I'm not going with her to her parents to tell the news. I'm going to have plans. And the reason I want to do this is that she will feel much more awkward when I'm not there. I know she feels anxious at the idea her dad will be disappointed. If I'm there it validates, and puts me into an awkward choice to align or to speak up. if I'm not there, her Dad will probably be more probing.
I've already stalled the conversation on numbers, and I'm definately was not grumpy today. In fact, this is hilarious. She caught herself about to disrespect me and then backed off. I didn't react. I can't remember the last time that happened. Not only that, she always watches TV in the evening, except this time I beat her to it. Never interrupted me until about two hours had passed.
The thing is, I know deep down I'll be able to be a better father without her around. And she is even anticipating some of the children will hate her. And I can already imagine the future where XW still trys to control during handover.
Clearly even some vets still struggle with the concept of validation.
Josh, the good news is that you get to decide! Read up on validation, there is an entire thread dedicated to it. When I came to the board the vets here at that time really encouraged me to validate her feelings, not to accept disrespect. And it is a key factor in turning my situation around. There are no guarantees, but I can say in my time here I can honestly say that some of the best DBers used validation to deflect, to deescalate, and to avoid R talks. The only other alternative is to just ignore her completely, and that is a passive-aggressive technique that usually backfires.
As far as the realtor question, I'd be careful assuming anything about your WAW. They can be extremely flaky. When you expect them to zig, they zag. Do you WANT to be involved?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, first DB you saved me. I remember asking for advise and the incredulous look on her face when I followed yet another of your suggestions. I always looked forward to your pov. What I like is you always have ideas that enforce in a very provocative way, I get satisfaction, yet WW knows she's in the wrong. My W is extremely anxious, and in retrospect, needed more validation by me given her insecurity.
No, I don't want to be involved in selling the house. But it's going off market, which means it doesn't take much effort (surprise). Without a campaign, it's hard to say how long it will take to get a serious offer.
Uuuummm I understand validation I just don't think a 3 time bomb dropper is worth it. It's not wrong to do but it will likely either come off as condescending or make you look weak. This is a very immature woman who has lost the tingles for you so now she is going to blow up the entire family to satisfy her needs. Trust me you can not get away fast enough.
Steve, first DB you saved me. I remember asking for advise and the incredulous look on her face when I followed yet another of your suggestions. I always looked forward to your pov. What I like is you always have ideas that enforce in a very provocative way, I get satisfaction, yet WW knows she's in the wrong. My W is extremely anxious, and in retrospect, needed more validation by me given her insecurity.
No, I don't want to be involved in selling the house. But it's going off market, which means it doesn't take much effort (surprise). Without a campaign, it's hard to say how long it will take to get a serious offer.
Josh, that is awesome. Like you are now, I was a two time BD victim in my MR. My perspective in after BD #2 was much better than BD #1. Though at times I still spun and did non-DB things. No one is perfect at this, and very very few are really good at it!
The point with my question was that you should no longer be concerned about what she expects. You need to do what you want and feel is right, regardless of her! So if you want to be involved be involved. If you want to keep the house yourself, keep it. If you want it to be sold but prefer she handle it all, let her. You've said your W is lazy. Let's see how far she will go with this stuff by herself! Likely she wants you involved to do the heavy lifting. She has to learn that she has fired you as her H and therefore you doing the heavy lifting for her is OVER.
I don't blame you at all if you want to sell the house. I told you above what my W's plan was. For me to keep the house and for her to get to play house when not out galivanting with OM. I finally told her that we would be selling the house and splitting the equity 50/50. When she started to protest I simply told her: "It isn't fair for you to go off and start a new life and expect me not to do the same."
I said it because it was true, not to try to get a reaction from her, but the reaction from her was very interesting. She looked like I had just popped at least part of her post-D fantasy bubble. But regardless, it let her know that I was not sticking around as Plan B in case she hated her new life.
So you do what you want! And do not do what you don't. This is her deal, let her figure it all out!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Her attempt at determining child support is making up figures on a napkin. I asked her for details, and she emails me a pdf photo if it. I have already crunched the numbers, so I know where I stand.
Good. Knowledge = power. Don't make any agreement which isn't either fair or favoring you under the law.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
I don't want to sell the house. I'm going to try to appeal to her greed, because we always talked about knocking down our house to build a duplex which would increase the value substantially. But the problem is that it will take about three years. Post BD this is compelling because it means having family close, but if it gets too weird, I just sell and move on.
I'm confused. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but are you considering converting your house into a duplex so your STBXW can live on the other side. If so, is that a hope to keep her close so she can see your DB'ing and want to come back? DO NOT do that. That will not help your detachment. What happens if/when she brings another guy back and you see him leave in the AM (or hear him through the walls). If I misunderstood your intentions, my mistake...disregard.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
And part of me is foaming at the idea I'll get a few days a week with no children, a new apartment, shitloads of cash, and the ability for Dad to have fun nights out.
You're looking forward to not seeing your kids? That's certainly opposite of the norm here.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
For sure I'm not going with her to her parents to tell the news. I'm going to have plans. And the reason I want to do this is that she will feel much more awkward when I'm not there. I know she feels anxious at the idea her dad will be disappointed. If I'm there it validates, and puts me into an awkward choice to align or to speak up. if I'm not there, her Dad will probably be more probing.
Good you're not going an will have plans, but not good on the reasoning...it should be about you detaching and living your life, not you trying to make her feel awkward.
Originally Posted by LH19
This is a very immature woman who has lost the tingles for you so now she is going to blow up the entire family to satisfy her needs.
Aren't they all?
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Josh_T
The thing is, I know deep down I'll be able to be a better father without her around.
100% without a doubt
Originally Posted by Josh_T
And she is even anticipating some of the children will hate her.
This is how nuts she is that she thinks her kids will hate her yet she doesn't care.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
And I can already imagine the future where XW still trys to control during handover.
Nope. Your house your rules. Make that a boundary and validate the $hit out of it.
^I completely agree with all of this
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
No, I don't want to be involved in selling the house. But it's going off market, which means it doesn't take much effort (surprise). Without a campaign, it's hard to say how long it will take to get a serious offer.
Hu?
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
This is a very immature woman who has lost the tingles for you so now she is going to blow up the entire family to satisfy her needs.
Originally Posted by BL42
Aren't they all?
Ginger and I argue about this all the time offline and she believes that most WWs here have a valid reason to blow up their families. G is a pretty smart chick so I think women have different perspectives for sure.
