I'm Back after 1st DB

[LH19]

I feel the anti-validating sentiment sometimes misses this point.

Nope. Us anti-validating WAS BS understand the point.

You are not validating that she is leaving/cheating/lying/breaking vows/being disrespectful. You are validating her feelings.

So what are you exactly validating?

But the reason validation is so effective is because the alternative, if between the two choices, validation is best.

Or just not responding. Because validating typically comes off as condescending anyway.

If and when she starts behaving poorly and disrespectfully simply state that you refuse to be spoken to that way, then walk away.

This I agree with.

[Traveler]

You are not validating that she is leaving/cheating/lying/breaking vows/being disrespectful. You are validating her feelings.

So what are you exactly validating?

Well, she's really got me today. Pushing for a fight, asking me at 8pm to go over divorce numbers. I actually started to raise my voice when I said I'm going to bed. She had no qualms to argue back in front of the kids.

The below take into account Josh's ambivalence about remaining married.

OPTION #1 - Active Listening & Validation
Her: "I'd like to go over the divorce details."
Me: "If you e-mail your numbers, I'll reply within 3 days." <Boundary>
Her: (With an edge) "I want to do this now."
Me: "'Now' sounds important"
Her: "Yes! You threatened to leave. WHAT ABOUT OUR KIDS?! We need an agreement about custody, rent, food, etc."
Me: "You're upset because you worried I might leave without addressing those."
Her: "Yes, whatever's happening between us, we're BOTH parents."
Me: "I hear you. I agree our kids must be provided for. Well, I don't plan to leave anymore."
Her: "What if you change your mind--AGAIN?!"
Me: "Because one day I'm upset and going, the next day I'm staying."
Her: "Yes!!! Exactly."
Me: "That makes sense. I'm so tired now. If you e-mail me tonight, I promise I will reply within a few days on all these important topics, and that I won't move anywhere else before I do."

OPTION #2 - Walking Away
Her: "I'd like to go over the divorce details."
Me: "If you e-mail your numbers, I'll reply within 3 days." <Boundary>
Her: (With an edge) "I want to do this now."
Me: "I'm so tired now. Goodnight."
Her: Curmudgeon!!! MONKEY'S UNCLE--
Me: <shuts door>

That's a quick attempt! Active listening and validation tend to defuse hostility. Walking away minimizes creating new hostility. Both are vastly better IMHO than arguing or fighting if you want to salvage your marriage or have a good co-parenting relationship.

Because validating typically comes off as condescendingg anyway.

It can come across as condescending the first few times. Practice on everyone around you--these techniques aren't just for troubled relationships. They also strengthen good relationships!

[LH19]

OPTION #2 - Walking Away
Her: "I'd like to go over the divorce details."
Me: "If you e-mail your numbers, I'll reply within 3 days." <Boundary>
Her: (With an edge) "I want to do this now."
Me: "I'm so tired now. Goodnight."
Her: Curmudgeon!!! MONKEY'S UNCLE--
Me: <shuts door>

Even better.
Her: "I'd like to go over the divorce details."
Me: "If you e-mail your numbers
Her: (With an edge) "I want to do this now."
Me: Goodnight."
Her: Curmudgeon!!! MONKEY'S UNCLE--
Me: <shuts door>[/quote]

Both are vastly better IMHO than arguing or fighting if you want to salvage your marriage or have a good co-parenting relationship.

There is absolutely nothing to argue about.

Because validating typically comes off as condescendingg anyway.

It can come across as condescending the first few times. Practice on everyone around you--these techniques aren't just for troubled relationships. They also strengthen good relationships![/quote]
Yes! Practice on friends co-workers, kids just not on a WAW.

[Spiral]

How about Option #3?

Her: "I'd like to go over the divorce details."
Me: "Sorry. I'm not ready yet."
---Discussions Ends---

Don't negotiate anything when you're emotional. Don't get into discussions when you're emotional. Nothing good will come of it. That's the way I approached things. It worked out well for me (albeit from a rebuilding my life perspective, rather than a marriage saving perspective).

As for validation, I have no doubt it is powerful and effective. It just seems like a whole lot to pull off in the thick of things. Or maybe I just wasn't any good at it.

[Josh71]

Thanks. A good reminder. I lost that skill. I feel more balanced today, so I'm prepared. First challenge will be she wants to announce to her parents. I'm going to decline that I'm busy and say "I have confidence that you can manage without me".

[Josh71]

How would you all recommend I handle the request to get involved with a real estate agent, but not sound like a d*ck. I expect she'll ask me to be actively imvolved.

[Traveler]

Do you want to sell the house? If no, I'd say "No". Saying "No" to doing something when you don't want something is not a d*ck move. If she gets upset, this is the perfect opportunity to validate!

[LH19]

J,

Can I ask first why you don’t want to get involved with the realtor?

[Mumin]

Me and XW had separate realtors for valuation since I kept the house.

[LH19]

J,

Can I ask first why you don’t want to get involved with the realtor?

The reason I ask is because you are about to get advice telling you that WWs are notoriously lazy and you let her do the heavy lifting blah blah blah. So that leads to a long drawn out D where you guys live together and she just resents you more because she feels like a caged animal trapped with a man she can’t stand right now. What I suggest is counterintuitive that you embrace the D and act fake it til you make it that you can’t wait to D and move on with your life. That may give her second thoughts.