However, despite BD, we're fairly back to normal. Still sleep in the same bed, doing family things, she makes a point to wear her wedding band out in public, but off all other times. In fact we went to a wedding yesterday, and in all respects we acted like a happy couple, other then no kissing.
This is not good.
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should I DB? How would it work, she's not WAW quite yet.
Yes. DB your butt off.
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I am in the process of improving connection with not bottling things up, asking for help, calling out behaviour, more boundary setting, more compliments. No issues so far, but now I'm afraid of looking needy.
Sounds extremely needy. Stop.
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I wanted to sit down and tell her my feelings that I understand her ...
STFU You can't talk your way out of this. It will be all about your behavior.
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she has anxiety about me "delaying"
Help get ride of her anxiety. Agree that your sitch looks "hopeless" or whatever words she uses.
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I now that I've been demoted into the friend zone?
I’ve read somewhere that the most successful approach is actually to run in the opposite direction with a coldness that defies logic.
Not really a coldness, More of a happy awakening.
Originally Posted by Kind18
The day she BDs you, kick her stuff out the bedroom, block her on socials,
I would like to suggest that this is better to do the day you find out about her involvement in an affair.
You have a sexually frustrated woman. It is your job to turn her on and please her. Learn some game ASAP. You have to build up sexual tension, and then let her release it with you. Show her what she will be missing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The sex, IMHO, relates to anxiety and avoidance to closeness. Her expectations on me always initiating, and my sensitivity to the relationship prevent me from wanting it. Toss in some physical issues, but the blue pill completely resolved that. As we went through couples therapy, I was made aware this was a very typical reaction, and I stated to SO that this is what is happening. She considers this an unacceptable precondition, despite me stating this is reasonable. Generally, no, I'm not comfortable talking about sex, but that has changed about a year ago as I started to open up.
The toddler is the best thing in my life. She is everything I wish I had with the first two. Thank you COVID, for allowing me to daily spend time with her. I have no regrets, and it was the second major live decision we made with agreement and without hesitation.
Being a single Dad is not a problem, and you know, after our chat today, I realise she is doing me a favour. She insists it's happening. She insists shes securely attached despite therapy two months ago showing we're a function of the anxious avoidant trap. Her emotional manipulationscin conflict ain't secure, nor are poor boundaries. I genuinely believe she cannot face her issues, and certain she hasn't explored anxious attachment at all with her IC. But not my problem. Wishful thinking.
The issue now is how to proceed. I think we can be amicable up to the point where she might attempt to have her cake and eat it too. Which happened last time. I will get an L to ensure things are fair.
Atm, she's fretting about telling her Dad, since he believes no one should divorce. Odd fear, he's accepting of anything. To me it's more about shame IMHO. I intend to ensure I'm not involved in that conversation, so there is an opportunity for a more candid conversation. And at the same time pointing out how great that necklace I bought her looks great. Which she has hardly worn until now. Same sort of mixed signals as last time. Part of me wonders if she's wanting to see how GAL works and propose a reconnect as LAT. This came up last time.
In any event, from a GAL POV, I have that sorted. Lime last time if I didn't want to go out, I'd still go out to at least make a point. And now I'm still in the same bed. That changes now. There is where SteveLW comes in with some morr awesome advice ... since I'm not sure how to minimise contact when we share the same house. She continues to laugh, interact, "nag" as if nothing has changed.
Ready2Change, noted, and thanks for the reminder. Yeah, didn't even think of what I was doing, totally forgot about it the first time. I've had my grief, freedom starts now, DB starts tonight.
Don’t be in the conversation she has with her dad. Not your business. I would make it clear that you will not be friends after D.
Hold your head high knowing you did everything you could to save your marriage. Run don’t walk in the other direction. Your W is an entitled brat who is in for a rude awakening.
Well, it's funny how in the morning W is all sympathetic, but now that I've announced that I want to move out she goes into a tirade about how you can't afford it, haven't you thought about it (no, BD was like 48 hours ago)? Then she reverted to the hostile form I remember last time of starting arguments on the simplest of things. Telling, and as expected, she talked about how the house will be split not 50/50,and then asked if I agree. Remember, this is BD +3. So I had to play dumb that I don't know, she proceeds to justify the uneven split and says anything other and I'll be resentful. Now, $ is in her values, so I shouldn't be surprised. It's funny she says stuff where I know the truth is the opposite. "I'm detached!". No, you aren't, you're arguing. "I'm so happy!" No you aren't, your snappy and moody. "your arguing!". No, I'm not. It's you, you are gaslighting/projecting.
And the more I think, she's won the lottery because she doesn't have to work, and the money will keep rolling in. Anyhow, L for sure. In the meantime, I've moved beds, brave face for the kids, and GAL. Which will be awesome because I love weights at nite, so I'll be signing up for that.
Really, the grieving was over in like 12 hours, I know what I'm in for, I just have validate like F and not get sucked into her attempts to start arguments. And TBH, I'm looking forward to it. We have one more couples session left. It's going to be interesting.
Josh you don’t have to validate anything and I would certainly cancel the couples counseling session. This marriage is over, done stick a fork in it. You deserve so much better.
Well, it's funny how in the morning W is all sympathetic, but now that I've announced that I want to move out she goes into a tirade about how you can't afford it, haven't you thought about it (no, BD was like 48 hours ago)?
Sounds like a knee jerk reaction. Why are you moving out?
Originally Posted by Josh_T
Then she reverted to the hostile form I remember last time of starting arguments on the simplest of things. Telling, and as expected, she talked about how the house will be split not 50/50,and then asked if I agree. Remember, this is BD +3. So I had to play dumb that I don't know, she proceeds to justify the uneven split and says anything other and I'll be resentful.
She's trying to control you with fear. Do what is best for you and kids. Who gives a fuch if she's resentful.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
Now, $ is in her values, so I shouldn't be surprised. It's funny she says stuff where I know the truth is the opposite. "I'm detached!". No, you aren't, you're arguing. "I'm so happy!" No you aren't, your snappy and moody. "your arguing!". No, I'm not. It's you, you are gaslighting/projecting.
Stop over analyzing it's a complete waste of time.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
And the more I think, she's won the lottery because she doesn't have to work, and the money will keep rolling in.
Yep. Divorce are beautiful aren't they?
Originally Posted by Josh_T
Anyhow, L for sure. In the meantime, I've moved beds, brave face for the kids, and GAL. Which will be awesome because I love weights at nite, so I'll be signing up for that.
Yep GAL and get in the best shape of your life.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
Really, the grieving was over in like 12 hours, I know what I'm in for, I just have validate like F and not get sucked into her attempts to start arguments. And TBH, I'm looking forward to it. We have one more couples session left. It's going to be interesting.
You are going to have many ups and downs my friend over the next few years. You will be happier though because there is nothing as bad as living with someone who wants out.
Sorry you find your way back here Josh. Sometimes false starts on R are the reality. I have one in my past that lasted 12 years! And it went back to exactly what you stated, not putting in the real work before Ring the first time.
However, I see in your new post that you are already finding excuses not get back to DB 101. GAL like a madman! Self improvements, you are already doing this but double-down on working on becoming your best self! Keep up the IC for yourself! And then finally, you admit to over attachment. So work on emotionally detaching. I read as much as I could on detachment in my situation. One book I read referred to it as self-differentiation. Google "self-differentiation in marriage". Being differentiated is really the healthiest way to be in a relationship, never losing your identity. So make that one of your journeys, go back (as part of GAL) and get back into touch with who you were before you were married with kids. THis doesn't mean go out and meet chicks! It means there was a Josh that attracted your wife originally, remember him? Reconnecting with your old self will help you with detachment!
While I like the anxious, avoidant stuff from a knowledge standpoint, one of the thing that labelling people those things is people will point to them to excuse their actions. "I have an avoidant personality, so that is just who I am!" Huh? Once you are armed with that information you can use it to CHANGE your normal, not remain stuck in it. So while I applaud your journey to learn about you and your wife's attachment style, do not let it define you!
Josh, I would avoid some of the things you proposed. "I am in the process of improving connection with not bottling things up, asking for help, calling out behaviour, more boundary setting, more compliments. No issues so far, but now I'm afraid of looking needy.
I wanted to sit down and tell her my feelings that I understand her BD but also disappointed because we are doing IC."
Words are not going to help you. Trying to reconnect with her will be met with continued resistance. Complimenting her is just like saying "I love you". It reminds her that she doesn't feel it right now. Obviously reminding her that she doesn't feel that way for you isn't what you want to do.
I sense you are in "I want to fix it" mode. The problem is that you cannot fix. In fact, trying to fix it will only make it worse. Think of a layman that has car trouble, trying to tear their engine apart. They do not have the knowledge, and therefore power, to fix their car. Right now you do not have the power to fix your marriage, so trying to do so will only make it worse. So back off of that, give her time and space so she can figure out her own stuff, and you go focus on yourself.
Read sandi's rules. Sandi's rules, I believe, were at least a part of my sitch turning around 4 years ago. They are gold!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
since I'm not sure how to minimise contact when we share the same house. She continues to laugh, interact, "nag" as if nothing has changed.