Back from my trip to see my daughter and son-in-law. Logistically it went smoother than I expected which resulted in me spending about 3-4 hours in the outbound airport. Oh well - it could have gone the other way too. I was surprised at the lack of scrutiny at the border but it was perhaps obvious that I was well prepared with my vaccination certificate and other documentation at hand so they didn't bother checking that.
My bag coming back had a friendly little note from TSA letting me know that it had been searched and they did an extra pat-down on the way out. Just people doing their job as they should.
I was surprised that the kids didn't have the Monday off for Memorial Day - but stat holidays aren't a thing in the US it seems. My daughter did leave work early on the Friday and took off Monday with no pay to see me off which was nice of her. The airport is nearly 2 hours away from where they live so quite the hike.
We did a lot of walking, went to some scenic sites on the Saturday in the main city. On the Sunday I suggested that I was interested in their own neighbourhood so we spent quite a few hours wandering around there including a local Farmer's Market, some antique shops and art galleries.
They've made quite a nice home for themselves. The house is (to my eyes) startlingly small but works for them. They have a lovely back-yard that they have started a garden in and the neighbourhood is nice. I made a point of mentioning how well I thought they've done.
I could perhaps have stayed longer but the weekends are the only time they have off to visit. I joke that my kids can only take "so much" concentrated Dad time anyway.
Not sure when my next visit will be, perhaps in the fall. I have to rebuild my vacation fund as it took a good hit with this trip. I was shocked to spend $80 to fill my car with gas when I got back.
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At one point my son-in-law had what he perhaps thought would be a difficult conversation with me letting me know that in all likelihood that they won't have children. Something I've assumed for quite a few years anyway. I think they were relieved though to have that topic aired out and dealt with.
I did have a nice visit with my grand-kittens though. Their older one isn't doing well. I believe he's about 14 and has in recent times lost a "lot" of weight and now only walks with difficulty. He's in no specific pain though as he still loves being picked up and cuddled and doesn't wince anywhere. My daughter knows that he probably won't be around for too much longer and is going to get some advice from her vet on how to make him as comfortable as possible for the time he has left.
The topic of my daughter's mother came up a few times. I did notice that a couple of jokes I made had the same levity as the proverbial lead balloon. My daughter mentioned that she has a much better relationship with her mother now than she ever did growing up. There's a lot of historical anger and bitterness that I knew little of it seems. She did say that when her mother had a visit with her just before the pandemic hit that it was a turning point. I don't believe she's seen her mother since but undoubtedly is in regular contact.
She is frustrated with her brother who she has been counting on to be an intermediary between her parents and hasn't been doing a good job which lead to them getting two memberships to the local zoo for example. I did notice that I still get a twinge of jealousy on mentions of her mother in the "how dare she have a normal relationship with her daughter" but really it's none of my business. I am in fact relieved to know that she and her mother have a good relationship. I know that beyond any child-hood issues that she was upset at her mother for cheating on me.
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It's been a tough time for the kids for the last while. My son-in-law's father who he was estranged from passed recently and so they spent a frustrating weekend flying across the country for the memorial a couple of weeks ago. Issues with canceled and delayed flights on top of the stress of losing a parent and then having to deal with relatives etc. They've also had lots of friends and relatives coming to visit so have decided to set some boundaries on how often people can visit them so that they can have some time to themselves. I told them that I thought that was an excellent idea.
My daughter was also stressed that it's been 7 years now since she's been back here and that her thoughts on coming for a visit haven't been a priority. Lots of visiting on her husband's side of the family but none for her. So that's changing too.
Originally when the topic has come up the kids have said that they would stay in a hotel but now say that they would stay with me which is more than fine. I think that in many ways that is a function of budget constraints. I have no idea if her mother has the room for guests or not in her smaller house but I certainly do. No clue on when or if this will happen. They are looking into flights and what-not. They said that they will probably fly on this side of the border and rent a car to drive up. Money is very tight for them right now especially since neither of them are able to get paid time-off as they both are new in their jobs. But from what they were saying it seems that they want to come over this summer. We'll see. She was very nervous about crossing the border but I think they are going to do a small trip across on their side of the country to where her best friend lives as a trial.
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Originally Posted by OwnIt
I chose you, the wrong spouse, because of my childhood trauma. Not I wisely chose a person very different from what I was trying to escape until the crisis pulled me back to the sludge of my childhood and made me relive the same mistakes I grew up with.
Surprised in some ways to see this as a common theme here. I certainly wasn't typical of the people that my xW dated before she met me being boring, responsible and reliable. The sort of person perhaps that she thought she "should" be with. I know very little about OM but from the superficial bits I can extrapolate from and from an acquaintance who has met him who said that he was "not really much of anything". Whether he's right or not for her is moot. He is the one she chose and they seem to be sticking it out. According to my estimates it's been about 7 years since they started dating.
Like many that led us here she did have some child-hood trauma that was poorly processed as well as having the example of her father, both siblings and a niece who were fine with cheating on their spouses. It used to bother her a lot and she held herself as "better" than them. So glad to not be part of that dysfunctional dynamic.
Ah well. Enough for now. I have lots to do around the house and property while I'm off. I have to figure out as well when I can do the fasting needed for my blood-work before my cardiologist appointment next week and it's already Wednesday.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am glad that you made the trip and had a good time with your daughter and her husband, and of course, the grandkitties. Monday was a holiday for most, but there are some places that were open and required their employees to come in and work.
I do hope that your daughter and husband will come to visit this summer. They have been gone quite a while and it would be nice to have them visit for a bit.
Good luck on your fasting for blood work. I hope you get some good news at the cardiologist's office.
Enjoy the rest of your week and do not overdo it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did notice that I still get a twinge of jealousy on mentions of her mother in the "how dare she have a normal relationship with her daughter" but really it's none of my business.
It's better than the alternative. I WISH my kids had a better relationship with their father.
As for the no grandkids - I'm not sure why any young people want to have children now, staring down the barrel of climate change and the attendant upheavals that will come. I don't think mine will unless my youngest accidentally gets someone pregnant. I too have grandpets instead.
Glad you had a good visit with your daughter. Probably best not to make any jokes at your ex's expense.
Whoops, I didn't refresh and missed the latest update before I posted earlier!
Why does your daughter expect your son to be in the middle of you and your XW? I think your daughter should talk to you about potential gift ideas rather than expecting her brother to navigate through that. It appears that both of your kids are walking on eggshells when it comes to talking about their mother with you. Why would you make jokes about her with them? You say you want them both to have good relationships with her, but then your jokes/comments with them say otherwise. I hope you're OK with your daughter staying at your house and going to visit her mother.
Glad all in all it was a good visit. Perhaps next time you could stay longer, even if they have to work. You could still spend time with them in the evenings. Do some exploring during the day. Just a thought!
Why does your daughter expect your son to be in the middle of you and your XW? I think your daughter should talk to you about potential gift ideas rather than expecting her brother to navigate through that. It appears that both of your kids are walking on eggshells when it comes to talking about their mother with you. Why would you make jokes about her with them? You say you want them both to have good relationships with her, but then your jokes/comments with them say otherwise. I hope you're OK with your daughter staying at your house and going to visit her mother.
Thanks for stopping by Dream. I was thinking about you this morning and how I've not "seen" you for a while. I hope you and the boys are continuing to do well.
Given that gifts are supposed to be a surprise, she had hoped that her brother might have known what was going on and navigated things. No big worry though - they ended up having a two year membership instead of one. She also saves postage by mailing things to him and having him do the different deliveries at Christmas.
The "joke" was when we were talking about security systems - the kids were thinking of expanding theirs so I quipped that sometimes you can get a surprise like when their mother came into the house while I was out years ago. I realized right away that I'd gone in the wrong direction and stopped.
I think that if the kids do come here for a visit that using my house as a "base camp" for wherever their adventures may take them is their plan. I would assume they will visit the other parental unit - not my worry or issue. They'll also probably go to the beach and the various farmer's markets too.
Both kids are pretty careful about not talking about their mother to me. My daughter specifically, who at the beginning of things announced that she had a boundary where she would not talk about either parent to the other and absolutely would not be in the middle of anything. I'm rather proud of her for being clear on that. Beyond that, they don't want to cause me any pain so it's just common consideration I feel. As time passes though both of them occasionally mention this or that about having been in touch with their mother, the same as they might mention seeing a friend.
One advantage perhaps to having older kids who were not direct witnesses to the end of their parent's marriage is that they aren't invested in it.
Originally Posted by kml
As for the no grandkids - I'm not sure why any young people want to have children now, staring down the barrel of climate change and the attendant upheavals that will come. I don't think mine will unless my youngest accidentally gets someone pregnant. I too have grandpets instead.
I think that is in the fore-front of their minds. Will there even "be" a planet for them to inherit. They are both also very concerned about the direction that society in the US seems to be taking to the point where they are more seriously musing about crossing the border permanently. I personally doubt that will happen, but my son-in-law has few ties to the US beyond his sister and mother while my daughter has an extensive extended family and deep roots here. Given the skills that my son-in-law acquired in the Navy he could get a job here quite easily if he so chose.
We'll see. I'm neutral on the whole thing. It's their lives and their choices to make. My role as "Dad" is to be supportive of whatever they choose.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Will there even "be" a planet for them to inherit.
Well seems that the planet has been around for 4 billion years I think it's safe to say it's not going anywhere soon.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
They are both also very concerned about the direction that society in the US seems to be taking to the point where they are more seriously musing about crossing the border permanently.
WTF is that supposed to mean? America is still by far the greatest place to live in the world. I deal with more racism in a weekend in Canada than I do in 6 months in the US.
I can’t speak for the area of the country where your daughter lives but Memorial Day is very much a thing down here and I don’t know anyone who had to work on Memorial Day unless they chose to. Seems odd that they did have to but like I said I don’t know anything about that neck of the woods.
Glad you enjoyed your time. Loved the grand-kit pics!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I can’t speak for the area of the country where your daughter lives but Memorial Day is very much a thing down here and I don’t know anyone who had to work on Memorial Day unless they chose to. Seems odd that they did have to but like I said I don’t know anything about that neck of the woods.
Glad you enjoyed your time. Loved the grand-kit pics!
Yes, all schools had off and of course My place of work never shuts down , but I chose to work for time and a half at my second job. Many many things and events are done to honor the fallen .
