It’s been crazy last 10 days with holidays. First one I spent by myself little lonely but then went out the state, was totally unplanned to help out a friend. It gave me an opportunity to get out the house which was great but I did miss my kid a lot.
1. I have learned (from my L) that my eX doesn’t want her dog to live with her. WTF really this pooch was a life of her life, BFF, he slept with her, eat out the same plate they were best friends for 9 years - now she doesn’t want him because I got it for her… really? She lives in single house - she can have pets there (her older brother bought the house for her to live in)
Ran into a buddy at the store who is in eXs Circle…… 2. eX commented that that my NC just pushed her into the loving arms of OM. She wasn’t getting much attention/love from me before so it’s “ Typical me - an a$$hole came through” nothing changed
3. eX and OM are in some kind of “counseling with relationship couch” wow they both investing that much into this relationship. Buddy said that OM insisted….
4. eX changed her religion, LOL 😂 she doesn’t believe in God, she is atheist…. You would never believe this but she went to Church with OM for Ester service and prepped food to get it blessed.
Amazing, I am speechless…. I think all this is first for DB community.
Actually it’s all pretty common around here. Nothing unusual about your sitch at all. As for the NC comment it’s all BS she is slinging to anyone who will listen.
LH - some people she got really close with and you are right on the money, the ones that would listen to her maybe even approve what she is doing. Our mutual friend was in town and met up with eX last week, friend called me when she got home to tell me that eX is so bitter at me that she is “scared to ask what did I do to cause such pain and ultimately D” they no longer will talk because friend stood up for me I guess the only one.
Kml- there was no dance, I was super attentive and loving for the first 7-9 days, it did not work only made it worth, she was iced cold and wanted me to get her things in the middle of the night from the store, get her lunch at work. Then I learned about the OM. I did not confront her about it but implied couple times that I know about OM and then lies came. Pretty much that when NC started….
They hate it when we’re not waiting to be their Plan B in case it doesn’t work out with their affair partner.
She is rushing with a divorce like there is no tomorrow, everyday I Hear about it to speed up thing with my L. I really doubt that there is a plan B anywhere. Lol 😂 she is playing roulette everything on ZERO. Things she does make no sense….. it might sound strange but I feel like I am dealing with an angry kid or a drug addicted.
I am working on myself… anybody have a link to PIES examples or discussion? Ty
It’s been crazy last 10 days with holidays. First one I spent by myself little lonely but then went out the state, was totally unplanned to help out a friend. It gave me an opportunity to get out the house which was great but I did miss my kid a lot.
Sorry for the loneliness. I completely understand missing your kids, especially on the holidays. It's great you visited a friend to socialize and get your mind off it. Keep that up. Better to be with your friends and family and doing activities than by yourself.
Originally Posted by Jq25
1. I have learned (from my L) that my eX doesn’t want her dog to live with her. WTF really this pooch was a life of her life, BFF, he slept with her, eat out the same plate they were best friends for 9 years - now she doesn’t want him because I got it for her… really? She lives in single house - she can have pets there (her older brother bought the house for her to live in)
I'm with kml maybe OM doesn't like the dog. It's also likely she's trying to find happiness and changing a whole lot of things about her and her life to find it. Don't be surprised if she changes a lot more about herself (as you mention in #4). Do your best not to spend time trying to figure out her changes, but instead focus on what's best for your life going forward. For example, if she doesn't want the dog...do you? If so, take her up on the offer and keep it. If not, tell your L it's her dog and let her figure out how to handle it. Worry less about what she wants and her changes and more about what you want.
Originally Posted by Jq25
2. eX commented that that my NC just pushed her into the loving arms of OM. She wasn’t getting much attention/love from me before so it’s “ Typical me - an a$$hole came through” nothing changed
That's BS. Don't spend your time thinking about it. If you didn't go NC and were trying to reach out she'd tell your friend you were smothering her. Doesn't matter what you do; there's no way you can win right now.
Originally Posted by Jq25
3. eX and OM are in some kind of “counseling with relationship couch” wow they both investing that much into this relationship. Buddy said that OM insisted….
What does this mean? Are they in couples counseling already? That was fast.
Originally Posted by Jq25
4. eX changed her religion, LOL 😂 she doesn’t believe in God, she is atheist…. You would never believe this but she went to Church with OM for Ester service and prepped food to get it blessed.
See my answer to #2. She's going to change a lot and do bizarre things; do your best to focus yourself.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Amazing, I am speechless…. I think all this is first for DB community.
Trust us, none of this is a first. Everything you've written you'll see in many other threads here.
Originally Posted by Jq25
friend called me when she got home to tell me that eX is so bitter at me that she is “scared to ask what did I do to cause such pain and ultimately D” they no longer will talk because friend stood up for me I guess the only one
You'd have to be pretty bad to justify her affair and the D, wouldn't you. Her actions are causing her pain and she's projecting that bitterness onto you. Don't pay it mind. Just focus on improving yourself and your life.
Last edited by BL42; 04/23/2208:31 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Jq, better days are ahead. But you're not going to get there worrying about her reasons for not wanting a pet, her current relationship status, and her religious beliefs. Cheeseless tunnels all.
What is Jq doing to GAL? What is Jq doing to self improve? Are you working on detachment? Next time you run into a mutual friend, why not just stop any discussion about STBXW by simply stating, "I'm not interested in what she is saying and doing." and then changing the subject?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve - I am doing my best to GAL when I can I go out, sometimes just go by myself. I gave up alcohol and smoking. 99% of “couples” friends try not to associate with me. Going to the gym is one of my GALs and spending time with a kid - that’s my #1 priority. I do my best not to involve with what she is doing. Only handful of people know about her A, couple mutual friends between eX and OM. Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
I am working on detachment, trying to figure out the whole emotional validation too. Living my life and we will see in the future how it’s going to be,
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
You don't believe those were key factors in your wife leaving you, or you agree but it irks you that most people know about your dirty laundry without knowing about her dirty laundry?
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
You don't believe those were key factors in your wife leaving you, or you agree but it irks you that most people know about your dirty laundry without knowing about her dirty laundry?
Traveler - this is a pickle, I don’t think it was a reason but might be a part of it. I wasn’t drinking for million reasons out there, for me it was 2-3 sometimes 4 beers to relax and go to sleep or help fall a sleep. I did not turn into psycho or anything like that.
Been dealing with a ton of stress from work past 6-8 month. Work at work work at home kind a thing also financials haven’t been where they needed to be. My Ex did not want to work, was looking for every possible reason not to work including skipping work. Sometimes one day sometimes 2 days a week. One of the biggest things probably not giving her attention she needed I was always busy.
All the things she spread about me are things she multiply by 10 fold. In the same time she went and told this to friends, our neighbors and random folks that know of me.
As One of the Vets suggested that I let it be, because if I will try to prof to everyone that she is wrong then she will use it against me again. There is no right or wrong answer. Dirty laundry everyone got it, I might not even care at this point. Damage has been done.
I do hope to R (things don’t look promising at the moment) or Move on but first I need to make Jay a better choice…..
I am doing my best to GAL when I can I go out, sometimes just go by myself.
Good. Going out by yourself is better than sitting around the house by yourself.
Originally Posted by Jq25
I gave up alcohol and smoking.
That's great, but be sure to put in the work to make it a long term thing...not a few weeks and then backslide.
Originally Posted by Jq25
99% of “couples” friends try not to associate with me.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
Have those couples friends experienced this behavior, or are they simply believing what your W tells them?
Originally Posted by Jq25
Going to the gym is one of my GALs and spending time with a kid - that’s my #1 priority.
Gym and time with kids are two top GAL activities. Keep it up.
Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by Jq25
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
You don't believe those were key factors in your wife leaving you, or you agree but it irks you that most people know about your dirty laundry without knowing about her dirty laundry?
It's important to self-reflect. Be honest with yourself as to whether this is a problem point.
Originally Posted by Jq25
All the things she spread about me are things she multiply by 10 fold. In the same time she went and told this to friends, our neighbors and random folks that know of me.
It's pretty common for the WAS/WS to take little things and blow them up 10x or 100x to justify their affairs and D. For example, my wife told people I wouldn't ever allow the kids to have pancakes - which was ludicrous - because on morning at 530am said no to then-S4 that particular morning as I was taking care of him and then-D1 while she was off "early to work" to meet OM. There are people in town who believe the things she said and think poorly of me, but it is what it is...I can't control it. Don't take what she says as gospel, but as I mentioned above do consider what areas you need to change. One silver lining of this situation is you'll learn who your true friends are.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
You don't believe those were key factors in your wife leaving you, or you agree but it irks you that most people know about your dirty laundry without knowing about her dirty laundry?
Traveler - this is a pickle, I don’t think it was a reason but might be a part of it. I wasn’t drinking for million reasons out there, for me it was 2-3 sometimes 4 beers to relax and go to sleep or help fall a sleep. I did not turn into psycho or anything like that.
Been dealing with a ton of stress from work past 6-8 month. Work at work work at home kind a thing also financials haven’t been where they needed to be. My Ex did not want to work, was looking for every possible reason not to work including skipping work. Sometimes one day sometimes 2 days a week. One of the biggest things probably not giving her attention she needed I was always busy.
All the things she spread about me are things she multiply by 10 fold. In the same time she went and told this to friends, our neighbors and random folks that know of me.
As One of the Vets suggested that I let it be, because if I will try to prof to everyone that she is wrong then she will use it against me again. There is no right or wrong answer. Dirty laundry everyone got it, I might not even care at this point. Damage has been done.
I do hope to R (things don’t look promising at the moment) or Move on but first I need to make Jay a better choice…..
I wouldn't worry about what she is telling people, or not telling people. Really not something you can or try to control. Just go make your new reality the new Jq! I made a lot of mistakes in my past, but they are not who I am now. Sometimes the old SteveLW gets dredged up by someone. But I can just laugh it off now because I am not that guy anymore. Over time, the further you get from being the old Jq that was more drunk than he should have been, the less you will hear about it. I am a former alcoholic. I have been dry since 1994. I had to deal with the fallout of my drinking for a few years after I stopped drinking. But now it is over 28 year ago and it is hardly ever brought up unless I bring it up. Just take one day at a time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey guys, been busy with friends from out of town, we went out to couple places for a late night meals. I was surprised that I did not have any pull towards alcohol, lol. The reason I brought it up my friends said that usually LBS get a new “liquid 40% proof friend” Really tried to be as social as possible and try to meet new folks to hang out with.
Reading Divorce Busting as we speak. It’s way harder then I thought, just hands down I am F….ed sorry for my Spanish. This book should be read by all but in the beginning of every M.
I had some alone time this weekend and oh boy being alone is difficult, watching TV is practically impossible, it seems that nothing can take away my attention from things. Usually it’s easier I thought ether I am tired from work and gym or something is changing in my head lol.
Hey guys, been busy with friends from out of town, we went out to couple places for a late night meals.
That's awesome. Great GAL!
Originally Posted by Jq25
I was surprised that I did not have any pull towards alcohol, lol. The reason I brought it up my friends said that usually LBS get a new “liquid 40% proof friend”
Good for you. Sounds like drinking was potentially an issue in the past, so great you're abstaining. It'll help you physique as well.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Really tried to be as social as possible and try to meet new folks to hang out with.
Good stuff.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Reading Divorce Busting as we speak. It’s way harder then I thought, just hands down I am F….ed sorry for my Spanish. This book should be read by all but in the beginning of every M.
Agreed. If only all of us on this board had read as much about relationships, attraction, red flags...etc. before BD instead of after.
Originally Posted by Jq25
I had some alone time this weekend and oh boy being alone is difficult, watching TV is practically impossible, it seems that nothing can take away my attention from things. Usually it’s easier I thought ether I am tired from work and gym or something is changing in my head lol.
Instead of sitting around alone watching TV try to get out of the house, even if it's just to the grocery store. Getting out and about helps my mental attitude. Or, create a list of house projects go to the hardware store to pick up items and fix up the house. That'll help focus your brain and give you a sense of accomplishment when you're done improving your mental attitude.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I had some alone time this weekend and oh boy being alone is difficult, watching TV is practically impossible, it seems that nothing can take away my attention from things. Usually it’s easier I thought ether I am tired from work and gym or something is changing in my head lol.
I found that mind-numbing activities, like TV watching, isn't really a good way to spend time. I took my daughter to a movie in the couple of weeks following BD 4 1/2 years ago and found I could barely concentrate on the movie. The situation was just too heavy on my mind.
I found that things that occupy my body as well as my mind were much better GAL activities. Archery, firearms, hunting, even trail riding on an ATV all seemed much better for me getting my mind off of my situation.
As always with DBing, find what works. Stop sitting in front of the TV if it isn't helpful, and get out and do something more fruitful in occupying your mind.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
BL thanks yes this is exactly what I do, I find a reason to get out of the house. Staying home is just way to difficult. If I move to a new appointment will that make it easier to be in the house? What do you think? Unfortunately- I feel odd too in other people houses too?
Steve - yes you are right, I like taking bicycle (I would love to buy again crouchrocket) out and just ride for hours. Sadly still tough to be alone with myself. But my main priority is to be out and about. GAL at every opportunity- thank you so much guys for advice with GAL, it helps it keeps gears moving in my mind when they are stuck on a sad note… Thank you 🙏 again!
eX W behaviour changed - Much better towards the kid. Now she wants to spend more time with a kid, fighting me for every day VS before she did not care, she would stop by to say hi to a kid EVERY couple days. Now kid is priority again…. Her attitude towards me is getting worst, more hostile, evil, wants bigger peace out of divorce. Now it’s lots of Nicks and dimes. She is still with OM (I can’t tell otherwise- I am not asking and telling people I don’t wanna know). Still NC other then kid talk/divorce talk. She did try to talk to me about me spending money left and right but she said that she is struggling. What do I do give her some $$$, joking?
Need help with emotional Validation in conversations, every needed conversation, she is always on top. Sometimes bring back things from the past.
How does validation works, why do people use it with WW/WAS?
eX W behaviour changed - Much better towards the kid. Now she wants to spend more time with a kid, fighting me for every day VS before she did not care, she would stop by to say hi to a kid EVERY couple days. Now kid is priority again…. Her attitude towards me is getting worst, more hostile, evil, wants bigger peace out of divorce. Now it’s lots of Nicks and dimes. She is still with OM (I can’t tell otherwise- I am not asking and telling people I don’t wanna know). Still NC other then kid talk/divorce talk. She did try to talk to me about me spending money left and right but she said that she is struggling. What do I do give her some $$$, joking?
Need help with emotional Validation in conversations, every needed conversation, she is always on top. Sometimes bring back things from the past.
How does validation works, why do people use it with WW/WAS?
First, never validate disrespect. When she gets disrespectful, tell her you won't be spoken to that way, then walk away. EVEN for necessary conversations. Most necessary conversations can be had later. If it is a timely discussion, then tell her you won't be spoken to that way, then get back to the business at hand.
Even necessary conversations you should be sticking to business. Sounds like the majority of them are about custody of your child. Keep it to that. If she tries to steer you into "you are spending money left and right", you steer it back "so you want to have him two days in a row? Okay, then he will be with me Thursday and Friday."
Most LBSs engage the WAS because deep down they think any conversation, even negative ones, are better than no conversation. It is fool's gold.
- Do not validate disrepect. - Keep conversations to the necessary business. - If she talks about how she feels about something, listen and validate. (Ex. Her: "I do not get enough time with our child." You: "So you feel you should get more time with him/her.") Then back to necessary business. - Be the one that ends the conversation. "I have somewhere I need to be. " Then leave.
Finally, get a custody agreement in place. Get a lawyer to help. Make it fair and equitable. Then there is no need for these necessary custody discussions.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve - I can’t be the one to end the conversation with my eX. My eX seems to end every conversation or at least most of them and she always busy( not really but that’s how she wants to be perceived) using the same Phrases and context I’ve learned here LOL.
Steve - I can’t be the one to end the conversation with my eX. My eX seems to end every conversation or at least most of them and she always busy( not really but that’s how she wants to be perceived) using the same Phrases and context I’ve learned here LOL.
We've heard that a lot. "My walk away is better at this stuff than I am." Likely you are engaging too long. The point of being the one to end the conversation is to do it quickly. Most LBS are bad at that, as I said, because deep down they feel that bad conversations are better than no conversations. It isn't. Its your brain tricking you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you kml, do LBS always talk this way? Is it forever? I can’t see myself talking this way forever, validating every feeling…….
Lol well I don't speak to my ex so I don't have to validate any more!
I would say, though, that if you are raising kids together, this approach might continue to be helpful until the kids are grown. Remember, you're not saying "yes, you're right, there are green aliens living next door to you" and you're not arguing "There' NO green aliens living next door to you!" you're just acknowledging that SHE is feeling like there are green aliens next door. By saying "That must feel (X, Y or Z) " or "that's too bad, that's not what I intended" you're not agreeing, just making her feel heard.
Thank you kml, do LBS always talk this way? Is it forever? I can’t see myself talking this way forever, validating every feeling…….
Yes and no. It builds rapport with someone expressing BigFeelings. Walking around my office today I didn't see anyone a) expressing BigFeelings who was b) in my family/friend circle. But if I had, I would've listened and/or validated.
PersonA: I'm so pissed! It rained on my new shoes.
PersonB: Not your new leather shoes! I can tell you're angry by how you're strangling your iPhone.
Which works better than--
PersonB: You should have brought an umbrella. PersonB: At least it was a light rain. PersonB: Baking soda fixes that. PersonB: <silent>
It's good practice to validate people's feelings in general. It is not our place to say their feelings aren't valid... it's how they express them that can cause the need for boundaries.
Try keeping it REAL short.
Examples: 1. I see. 2. I understand 3. That Makes Sense 4. I hear you.
Then go on your way. Seems like it would very difficult for her to end the conversation first if your response is that short.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hi everyone, BL thank you. thinks are moving, WW is being unreasonable in D settlement demands. we are not talking at all, all left to Ls. Cant even talk about the kid issues with her, everything is NO. Every move, every word and every gesture to belittle me to show how much better she is then me (so not her). I just don't pay attention to it I think she is trying to get into the fight with me but I am not letting myself get into it. Just controlling my emotions by not showing.
On the other side of things my eX and OM live together now, little worry about the kid being around them. Kid is still traumatized from us splitting 6 month ago and she Moved out 4 months ago NOW she introduced OM and he lives with em, nuts. Too soon don't u think? Anybody got any good reads to help my kid stay Sain?
I just don't pay attention to it I think she is trying to get into the fight with me but I am not letting myself get into it. Just controlling my emotions by not showing.
Good for you controlling your emotions. Stay strong.
Originally Posted by Jq25
On the other side of things my eX and OM live together now, little worry about the kid being around them.
Sorry man. I've been there and know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately it's very common here.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Kid is still traumatized from us splitting 6 month ago and she Moved out 4 months ago NOW she introduced OM and he lives with em, nuts.
That's gotta be difficult for your kid. 12yo, right? Such a tough time getting into teenage years. If it's any consolation at that age he's going to know exactly who did what - he'll always know it was your W and not you who moved out and moved him in with another person.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Too soon don't u think?
Yes, absolutely I do. Unfortunately we have to accept there's nothing we can do about it.
Hang in there Jq25. It'll be one of the hardest things you've ever gone through, but you will get through it. Keep being the best dad ever. What are you doing for yourself?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I feel for you jq25. I can relate, my sitch hit an all time low this week, and my WW is behaving exactly the same. No compromise, no negotiation. All one sided demands and anger when there is no agreement.
I do go out with couple friends but mostly just out and about, gym, picked up myself a mountain bike so been exploring some local trails.
i've noticed how difficult it is to stay home can i just cant num myself with simple activities. taking a dog for a walk doesn't excite me yes still has to be done lol. Reading books is somewhat difficult but I still do it. read DB now reading 3% men by Cory W.Something. Staying away from women in general trying not to make my sitch more difficult.
Hey guys, always thanks for being here for us! things are are moving but not in a right direction lol. In the beginning sometimes some days I did feel some what hopeful that there might be R. Now, I did realised that most, probably all actions by my eX are to hurt me, cause pain as much as possible. From BD conversation 7 month ago to now everything moving in a downward spiral. All communications or rather attempts at it are downgrading (all are kid related). She would be talking about one thing but then do something completely different and BLAME me for F***ing up and being impossible and as always I never compromise on things. Talking to her is like talking to a robot, let’s say she has to talk about subject A and she would talk only about A even if I jump to subject B similar issue she will just return to subject A and that’s it. Seems like it’s scripted conversation or even it being Rehearsed. Will this subside with time?
I feel for you. I'm in the same sitch as you. It's hard, really hard. From a cordial BD to hostile communication in under a month for me.
The vets here will say yes. In my case, it waxes and wanes based on her nervousness. As we led up to mediation for a parenting plan, the abuse was insane. When it finished, she backed off. When she received a letter from my L it remindes her that she probably won't get what she wants. Then the abuse flairs up.
All I can say is be the stronger person, the grey rock. Ignore the emails and texts that don't have value or are not kid related. Set boundaries, and walk away if they are violated.
What I found is that the longer it goes AND you are consistent, she will slowly back down.
Of course her actions are to hurt you. She knows you the best, and knows the most intimate ways to get to you.
For me, when she negotiated some free days, I jumped. I now love my weekends. Saturday no STMXW to interfere with child rearing, and Sunday I disappear. Sure, the first time I ignored her on my Sunday she chucked a fit. But after three she realises what this means.
Hang in there, you can do it! Look at the better future, this will just be a blip.
In the beginning sometimes some days I did feel some what hopeful that there might be R.
That's normal. So did many of us.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Now, I did realised that most, probably all actions by my eX are to hurt me, cause pain as much as possible.
She could be doing this to push you away more to remove any hopes in your mind of R so you stop trying and she can move on, or she might be feeling guilty about her actions and projecting that anger and resentment onto you. I know this is the most personal situation you can have, but try not to take it personally - many times it's about them, not you.
Originally Posted by Jq25
From BD conversation 7 month ago to now everything moving in a downward spiral. All communications or rather attempts at it are downgrading (all are kid related).
Do you still speak? Have you thought about moving communications to email? This will give you time to read, process, respond instead of reacting in the moment.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Will this subside with time?
Very possibly. It's typically very raw and difficult at the start and often gets easier over time. But not always. There are certainly examples here where things don't.
How is the GAL coming? Are you filling up your time when you're not with your son? What's the latest on the D?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Hey guys, always thanks for being here for us! things are are moving but not in a right direction lol. In the beginning sometimes some days I did feel some what hopeful that there might be R. Now, I did realised that most, probably all actions by my eX are to hurt me, cause pain as much as possible. From BD conversation 7 month ago to now everything moving in a downward spiral. All communications or rather attempts at it are downgrading (all are kid related). She would be talking about one thing but then do something completely different and BLAME me for F***ing up and being impossible and as always I never compromise on things. Talking to her is like talking to a robot, let’s say she has to talk about subject A and she would talk only about A even if I jump to subject B similar issue she will just return to subject A and that’s it. Seems like it’s scripted conversation or even it being Rehearsed. Will this subside with time?
The short answer is yes. However, everything improves/subsides with time. The next question most people ask is "how long?". And that answer is much less clear. Everyone is different. This could be your STBXW's new modus operandi for quite a long time. However, this is why you need to limit your contact with her to "must have" conversations only. How are you having these conversations? Verbally? Text? Email? The general advice is to stick to email. Make drop off and pick up of the kids "hi and bye" situations.
When LBSs have trouble communicating with their WAS it is usually because they are over-communicating. The best way to deal with it is to communicate less.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey BL and Steve, For many Months I cut off all of the verbal communication with her. To begin with it was strictly about a kid but she turned it 180 degrees by talking about one thing and doing something else. She screwed me multiple times so everything has to have paper trail. So there is Zero conversions whatsoever but we work in the same Building. We see each other multiple times a day sometimes out eyes meet but that’s about it. No communication when one of us picks up or drops off the kid. About a month ago we did have a conversation about a kido. I was proud of myself how well it went and we came up to agreement but you probably guessed it right an hour later she did everything backasswards and blamed me for lack of communication skills LOL. Text or eMail 99.99% even that is difficult 😥 because she is trying to cause pain and confusion both so at the end of the day she can comment that it’s the same as 14 years being married to me I just don’t learn. I so wanna loose my cool and let my emotions 🖤 run wild, tell her how I feel but I know it will back fire 🔥 at me by her telling me that she should raise a child by herself because as always I am being Vicious like past # of years.
Divorce - L are working on it, I would give her my last pair of [censored] but my L has a different things in mind. He told me It’s in the works.
GAL - I am not in a bar/club scene but I still fill my day with Things to do. Trying to hang out with friend or so called friends. Most couples took her side as I said before and hang out with her and her “new BF” Her “new BF” = AP but people think I am on meds, she is too nice of a person to cheat and she told them different story how she met her soul mate.
For many Months I cut off all of the verbal communication with her. To begin with it was strictly about a kid but she turned it 180 degrees by talking about one thing and doing something else. She screwed me multiple times so everything has to have paper trail.
Good. Keep things to email. Gives you a chance to read, review, reflect, and then respond. Short, simple, direct and to business - helps remove the emotions. Plus, like you said...definitely need a record of decisions on finances and kids.
Originally Posted by Jq25
we work in the same Building. We see each other multiple times a day sometimes out eyes meet but that’s about it.
I didn't realize you work in the same building. That's awkward. Same company too, or just building? There have been other posters in the last year or two that had a similar situation. Magnhild in the same school and another poster I forget the name (man?) in the same corporate building. We recommended looking for new employment, both to get distance and because it's an employee's market right now so could lead to a promotion and raise.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Text or eMail 99.99% even that is difficult
Stick to it.
Originally Posted by Jq25
because she is trying to cause pain and confusion both so at the end of the day she can comment that it’s the same as 14 years being married to me I just don’t learn.
She's going to have her narrative. She's resentful and perhaps project her pain and guilt and anger onto you. Try to let it roll off your back, pick your head up, and go smile and live a great life.
Originally Posted by Jq25
I so wanna loose my cool and let my emotions run wild, tell her how I feel
Keep your cool. Stay calm, strong, and in control.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Divorce - L are working on it, I would give her my last pair of [censored] but my L has a different things in mind. He told me It’s in the works.
Good. Rely on your L, or truly works in your best interest.
Originally Posted by Jq25
GAL - I am not in a bar/club scene but I still fill my day with Things to do. Trying to hang out with friend or so called friends.
GAL isn't all bars and clubs. Go on a hike, check out a movie, enroll in a class, join a club, join a gym/yoga class...etc.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Most couples took her side
Why do you think this might be? Any reason besides her stories they would side with her?
Originally Posted by Jq25
hang out with her and her “new BF” Her “new BF” = AP but people think I am on meds, she is too nice of a person to cheat and she told them different story how she met her soul mate.
You're married correct? She's married to you. By definition if she has a BF while married it's an affair.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Originally Posted by Jq25 Most couples took her side Why do you think this might be? Any reason besides her stories they would side with her?
- there are no other real reasons for people to take her side. sometimes I do come out a little to strong but never disrespectful or mean to people around me. I am not a nice type of the guy, I don’t kiss her ass or any ones. She on the other hand very quite and shy around other people. Seem to be very sweet girl so it was easy for her to play a Victim.
Hi, no significant updates, I am 8 month into this insanity. Sometimes it’s easy and my emotions are strong and well. But there is other side when soon to be Ex trying to hurt me then it’s hard and painful. Detachment is happening but at slow pace. Provocative conversations really get to me especially the ones she know hurt me most and that button she is pressing.
How did U guys handle divorce? Did u nickel and dime ur ex or being super fair? When I trying to be as fair as possible she flares up, when do opposite she flares up too, there is no win. Any thoughts?
