Hi BL! Sounds like you have a fun time planned with your kids. And you are right, it is not sustainable to bend over backwards to prove to your kids your love. I understand why you felt the need for a while, but it’s not a realistic or a long term way of parenting. I dated a guy who was like that. It was just too much.
As far as your firing on all cylinders with work, GAL, school, gym, kids….. also not sustainable! For some reason is Americans feel the need to burn our selves out and over commit ourselves. Why? It’a not likely a depression that is causing you to slow down. Sometimes too much is too much. We are not built for that. My daughter is away. Friday night was supposed to be drinks with coworkers. Saturday night dinner with a friend, Sunday after work my date. On Friday I had an annoying headache and I just didn’t feel like going out for drinks. I felt like being alone in my sweats on my couch. And that’s normal! I get FOMO sometimes, but I needed to recharge. I don’t need to accept every social invite. I don’t need to be in the gym every day . Life needs to be sustainable. You are burning out and it’s OK to chill!
As far as dating. Let me put some things in perspective for you with OLD. You obviously are able to say you are a good catch and why you are a good catch and it makes total sense to you because you know you. And OLD profile is a small blurb and view of you. No one can possibly know how good of a catch you are from an OLD profile. You certainly can’t say what a great father you are and how much you make, and all do that stuff. You’ll come off stuck up and full of yourself. The only way someone can get to know this stuff is by dating you.
Now how to get a date? Being above average in looks helps. For sure. But there a bunch of 6ft tall above average looks guys online. So what does your profile read? What stands out? Do you say the same thing as others? My profile is a spoof on what guys write. This is what mine reads currently:
“Don’t worry guys, I already know you love to laugh, hate drama and like good vibes only!” Your kids are your number one priority ( I sure hope so) and let me guess, you are not vanilla!”
Like every single guy has one, if not all of these in their profile. They don’t stand out. Women aren’t as visual as men. We read and look and something needs to pique our interest.
So what does your profile say? What stands out ? Why would someone want to date you from that small glimpse of yourself ?
inevitably if I see an attractive single mother profile that I could see as promising I won't even hear back. Not sure if they're no longer on the platform or if I think higher of myself than I'm actually worth lol.
Studies show consistently that people in OLD contact people who are "out of their league" in looks, men do it more than women but both sexes do so. So a couple of options:
Consider contacting women who are one step down from who you're contacting now in looks. Some of them may surprise you and be more attractive in real life than their photos would suggest.
It's a numbers game - you do have to contact a lot of women. Just don't do so with a generic hello that shows you didn't read their profile.
Try Bumble, where the women contact the men? (Isn't that how Bumble works?)
i think i read the other day that 80% of the women chase the top 20% of the men with OLD
I don't know where those statistics come from, but in the studies I've read it was even worse the other direction - men all seeking the hottest women (and I can vouch for the disparity, having been contacted by several guys who look like Santa Claus).
I always liked it when a guy sent a message referencing something in my profile - showing he had read it. (A comment on my musical tastes, perhaps, or a question about my drumming, or a book recommendation).
No bathroom selfies.
I like to see at least one photo of a guy with friends or coworkers - makes it more likely they HAVE friends, better yet if you all look like you're having fun.
Any women in your photo should be identified - "Me and my sister" or some such - otherwise we will assume you are posting a photo of yourself and a previous girlfriend or worse yet, your ex-wife.
No photos with the exGF or exW obviously cropped out.
A photo doing some activity you enjoy is nice.
Please, please - no photo of you in a bathrobe holding a live duck (seriously - I didn't even want to know what that guy was about.)
Good to hear an update and that you're mostly doing pretty well. I am in a similar spot with the feeling of slight regression, I think its pretty normal. There will always be ups and downs in motivation, go easy in yourself during the downs, take a mental and physical break for a little bit and then back into things when you're ready. Some good advice I heard somewhere is to have your reasons written down as to why things are important to you. For example, I go to the gym and stay fit because I can think of nothing better than being able to kick the footy and shoot some hoops with my little boy when he is a bit older, that drives that part of my life. Have those reasons written down for everything that you need to push yourself to do and those things become easier.
From what you've described BL and from knowing you on here you are a catch. So you should think of yourself that way. I'm no expert on OLD as you know, but I'm sure when you get to those first dates you'll do very well. Have you tried chatting to people more when you're out and about?
Me: 40 W:41 T: 14 M: 11 S: 5
BD & OM Jun 2020 W moves out Aug 2020
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
And you are right, it is not sustainable to bend over backwards to prove to your kids your love. I understand why you felt the need for a while, but it’s not a realistic or a long term way of parenting.
I'm coming to realize that. Part of the motivation is admittedly guilt over the situation the kids are facing (even if it wasn't my choice), and part of it is the sense of loss over half my kids' life so I'm trying to make up any time with them I can which my virtual/flexible career facilitates (off Fridays, before/after school...etc.). Also a factor is their age. Being young they have a lot more free time whereas as they get older they'll have more activities and friends which parents aren't included, so I want to make the most of it now. I won't always be coaching my son's sports and even next school year D3 will be 4 and in a longer day program so pick ups during the week and spending off Fridays with her won't be a thing, so that'll give me some relief. The current rate is wonderful from the parent/child bonding sense and being a great day, but not sustainable for the long term.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
As far as your firing on all cylinders with work, GAL, school, gym, kids….. also not sustainable!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Life needs to be sustainable. You are burning out and it’s OK to chill!
Yeah. I think I kicked it into overdrive based on the adrenal of BD and and coming back down. I do need to recommit to the gym routine and take some more time for myself and relax a bit.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
As far as dating. Let me put some things in perspective for you with OLD. You obviously are able to say you are a good catch and why you are a good catch and it makes total sense to you because you know you. And OLD profile is a small blurb and view of you. No one can possibly know how good of a catch you are from an OLD profile. [quote=Ginger1]So what does your profile say? What stands out ? Why would someone want to date you from that small glimpse of yourself ?
Great feedback on the woman's perspective. I probably need to up my profile game.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21