Need advice please. (3)

[BL42]

Dink,

Her mom, whom my wife has told she wants a divorce contacted me to help her get a vehicle She has in storage today...But anyway I told her I could help her this evening with getting the truck.

This doesn't sound like your job anymore. I could think of a thousand better ways to spend your time. Working out, dinner with your kids, drinks with a friend, movie by yourself, cooking or art class, hike in the woods...etc.

In terms of the call back, everyone else said it well. No call back, I concur. Your kids are adults, so going directly to them makes perfect sense - there's no real need to coordinate on items like there would be for a young child.

How did you feel about the 30th anniversary? Was it tough, or a non-factor?

[Dink]

Just throwing this out there to get feed back. I know I doing LRT, and GAL, but found out today that she is now in contact with previous affair partner EA from a bout 4 years ago, and been frequently staying at current AP on weekends the past month so that’s messed up.

Also, I believe she plans on doing Easter at his house with possibly his son and has no plans to do anything with our kids. When I met the kids to tell them about divorce I said to them all that they should spend Easter with her and their grandma, because of
This being the first Easter since her Dad died and their grandpa.

The kids informed me on Thursday
That my wife’s sister and her husbands are going to his parents for Easter, and have invited my wife’s mom over to their place as well and they are going there. So my wife had no place to go, but they said she told them to go to my side of the family’s Easter. I told the kids to spend Easter with their mom since she had no were to go. Well my wife texted me and said she needed to talk to me about Easter with the kids. I said I told them to do something with you so you are not alone. She was acting pissy saying I think they should be with you and told the kids to be with me. I said to her you just said you had nowhere to go for Easter, why not have them at the LakeHouse. She said I’m not going to bust my ass cleaning to have it here. Why dont you do it at the other house, I said I don’t have a table here. or tv or any pots or pans, etc. I said you don’t have no place to go where else are you got to be, she said we’re else you got to be. I said I could go .to my side for Easter. So now I am doing something with the kids on Sunday which is great, instead of going to my families side. But I just have this gut feeling she is planning to go to his house and having Easter with him and possible his son or something. I mean why would she not want to spend time with the kids on Easter if she had no other place to go? The guy only live a mile from where I’m staying. So I think I’m going to drive before meeting the kids on Easter to see if her vehicle is there, because if it is that is just F’d up…I think she is so far gone right now.

[LH19]

Dink you can’t control what she does and it sounds like it’s going to take you awhile to understand it. You trying to the play the I don’t want you to be alone card is transparent and weak. The quicker you realize that WWs do fuched up [censored] the better you will do. Back to NC.

[BL42]

Dink,

found out today that she is now in contact with previous affair partner EA from a bout 4 years ago, and been frequently staying at current AP on weekends the past month so that’s messed up

Unfortunately these situations are so infuriatingly predictable. Here's my comment to you nearly a month ago, just 3 days after you created your thread:

Considering the history between you two and timing of the latest BD I wouldn't discount another man, and it's perhaps even likely the same man got back in touch.

I believe she plans on doing Easter at his house with possibly his son and has no plans to do anything with our kids.

It wouldn't surprise anyone here. It's unfortunately not uncommon for a WS/WAS to value spending time with their AP over their own children. My ExW met up with OM2 on Mother's Day weekend while I watched D1 and S4 (who I'll never forget was looking out the window tearing up saying I just want to see mommy on mother's day). The thing is, it's not on you to maintain her relationship with the kids.

Well my wife texted me and said she needed to talk to me about Easter with the kids.

You didn't need to respond to this text or have this argument at all. Your children are adults, not 5yos. You can discuss with them directly how to spend the holidays, similar to how you asked J directly if anything was wrong. NC & LTR don't have a "Easter logistics" exception. Unless there's a medical emergency there's hardly anything you need to be directly in touch with her about right now.

She said I’m not going to bust my ass cleaning to have it here.

She WILL lie to you and make ridiculous excuses to further her agenda. Better to not even hear it.

So now I am doing something with the kids on Sunday which is great.

Great! Think of this as a wonderful opportunity to spend Easter with your children. You'll have fun and make memories. Don't engage with the kids on why your W isn't spending the holiday with them. Sadly, they'll find out soon enough on their own.

But I just have this gut feeling she is planning to go to his house and having Easter with him and possible his son or something. I mean why would she not want to spend time with the kids on Easter if she had no other place to go? The guy only live a mile from where I’m staying. So I think I’m going to drive before meeting the kids on Easter to see if her vehicle is there, because if it is that is just F’d up…I think she is so far gone right now.

Your gut is almost certainly right. LBS's guts are typically dead on accurate in these situations. The thing is, what is driving over there going to accomplish? Her vehicle will most likely be there and they'll most likely be together. Seeing and confirming that in person is only going to rile you up and get you spinning more emotionally. You already know they were together 4 years ago...and you got through it. You'll get through it again. It's awful Dink, I get it. I've been there and no exactly how you're feeling right now and it's awful. But like LH says you can't control her. You can only decide how you're going to respond. Better to spend extra time with your kids than playing PI with W & OM.

This is a terrible situation. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But try to keep the focus on how you can improve yourself / your life, and use this as a way to strengthen your relationship with your children.

[Kind18]

Do not do a drive by. It shows you to be incredibly desperate.

And what exactly will it achieve?

Right now she doesn’t want to be with you. After confirming her car is there, she still won’t want to be with you. It achieves nothing, other than get you pissed off.

Worst case is she sees you doing a drive past and ends up reporting you for stalking or taking out a protection order with the police against you. If that happened, it would make things infinitely worse.

Once again Steve is on the money. The ONLY solution right here and now is to double down on no contact.

[Dink]

I know what you guys are saying and I agree. I wasn’t really going to drive buy. It’s just so messed up. She is staying at new Affair partners house for Easter more than likely and , now is also in contact with old affair partner from 4 years ago. How she can juggle Two guys talking to and a job and family and whatever else is mind boggling. And I think it is personally starting to affect her some and it’s still somewhat early on. But as you have so said i can’t control it. I have not said anything to her about any of this just wanted to put it on here to get thoughts and feed back.
Man until you actually go thru this you can’t truly believe how messed up a affair can turn someone
Upside down and there life upside down like this, but at the end of the day I have to let her as Sandi said basically die down to the root….

[LH19]

Dink what would you say to her. Quite frankly what she does is none of your business. As stated you should double down on NC. You know way too much about what’s going on in her life. Time to get one of your own. As a warning your STBXW is going to continue to disappoint you and boggle your mind for a really long time. As they say “not your circus not your monkeys “.

[Dink]

I know what you all are saying , I have done so well for the most part. I have not reached out to her , all contact has been coming from her, and have done well I think overalll. As you all,have said, GAL, I don’t see no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, she is in deep. But that won’t stop me from GAL. As all you verterans on the board can attest to, some will win and some will lose. I just have to get past this little thing called caring to much at time what happens as I do know it’s out of my control. I probably see more stories on her go South but I think at some point we all feel
That are stories may be the one that can make it. Time will tell I guess

[LH19]

Dink 95% of the marriages on here aren’t worth saving and yours is one of them. You’ve both cheated that means you both weren’t happy. I didn’t save mine and I still won. My life is very peaceful right now. Peace that I couldn’t have had if I reconciled. I would of just been wondering when it was going to happen again. You’ll get there but it will take time. You will likely fall along the way but will get up and dust yourself off.

[Traveler]

Dink, no drive by! Remember the call—did touching the stove make you feel better or improve R chances? No! You don’t control her. You may feel she’s Satan herself for spending Easter with OM instead of the kids, and she may feel she deserves “me” time after 18yrs raising them. Guess who’s beliefs drive her decisions? Whether your goal is to salvage this relationship or move away from it as overall unhappy, the most successful path is to focus on yourself.