Dink… If I were you, I would stop trying to diagnose my wife with a mental illness and start focusing on the things you need to do to move forward in your life. Maybe she’s manic or maybe she appears that way because the thing she has been wanting to do for a long time that has been weighing her down is no longer weighing her down. If there is one thing I have learned through all of this, it is that people hide stuff and you never really know what another person is feeling or thinking unless they tell you. For you this is out of the blue. It’s not for her…she’s been thinking about this for a long time. So the loss of the weight of hiding things and the addition of a new person in her life (brain chemicals that are emitted when one is at the beginning of a relationship have a similar effect as cocaine) could make her appear manic when in reality, she’s just feeling really happy right now. Sorry…not what you want to hear but it is what it is.
FYI…there were moments people might have accused me of being manic when I finally emerged out of the other side of this, having followed people’s advice on here, and realized that I didn’t need XH to have a good life and I was free from the overwhelming sadness and anxiety that happens when you go through something like this. The day I woke up and he wasn’t the first thing I thought about was a GREAT day and it only got easier after that. People noticed. Lots of comments about how happy I was and how good I looked, etc…
I finally understood what people had been talking about on here and how much better off I am not being married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to me. I don’t take that personally anymore. There are many factors that come into play when it comes to feeling happy in a relationship and a lot of those are out of your control. When those outside factors come into play (financial strain, child rearing stresses, family dynamics, illness, etc…), some people will get through it by doubling down on their marriage whereas others will turn away from their spouse and start to look for sources of happiness outside of their marriage. If both of you are in the first category, you find a way to get through those times and your marriage gets even stronger. If you are married to someone who falls into the second category, you may find yourself on a board like this one feeling the way you are feeling. It is what it is. Bottom line is that you can’t control what other people do and it is futile to try.
RE: the SIL. I’m with everyone else on here. Blood is thicker than water. I’m sure she doesn’t get what is going on with her sister right now and she is bothered by it and is on Team Dink (why did you pick that name…lol??) but the longer this goes on, the more likely it is she will eventually switch teams. If she and her sister like each other and there isn’t an issue between them, it is inevitable. So be careful about what you say because it will ALL be repeated to your W at some point in time.
RE: your kids. Yes…don’t lie to them about wanting the divorce but don’t give them all the details either. They are adults. They can ask their mom if they really want to know. Trying to get them on Team Dad would be to make you feel better, not them. It will also result in them going to their mom with the info dad gave them and making her feel worse about you. So be as factual and succinct as you can be when/if they ask and leave it at that. If they ask you to mind read (i.e. what is mom thinking or doing?), decline the invitation and just tell them those questions should be posed to their mom, not you. When all the dust has settled and your kids are looking back on this, you want them to remember a dad who took the high road and conducted himself in an admirable way. You will want to remember that too.
When those outside factors come into play (financial strain, child rearing stresses, family dynamics, illness, etc…), some people will get through it by doubling down on their marriage whereas others will turn away from their spouse and start to look for sources of happiness outside of their marriage. If both of you are in the first category, you find a way to get through those times and your marriage gets even stronger. If you are married to someone who falls into the second category, you may find yourself on a board like this one feeling the way you are feeling. It is what it is. Bottom line is that you can’t control what other people do and it is futile to try.
This is 100 percent accurate accept I would like to add that some don't cheat/leave or double down on their marriage and live a miserable existence together. Everyone knows at least one of these couples.
When those outside factors come into play (financial strain, child rearing stresses, family dynamics, illness, etc…), some people will get through it by doubling down on their marriage whereas others will turn away from their spouse and start to look for sources of happiness outside of their marriage. If both of you are in the first category, you find a way to get through those times and your marriage gets even stronger. If you are married to someone who falls into the second category, you may find yourself on a board like this one feeling the way you are feeling. It is what it is. Bottom line is that you can’t control what other people do and it is futile to try.
This is 100 percent accurate accept I would like to add that some don't cheat/leave or double down on their marriage and live a miserable existence together. Everyone knows at least one of these couples.
My response to that is that doubling down does not necessarily have to lead to living a miserable existence. My parents went through some rough times…it stressed their marriage…they doubled down and things got better over time with both of them being committed to the goal of making it that way. By the time my dad passed away, they were best friends as well as husband and wife. Their relationship had the closeness and depth that can only come when you take on adversity together and work through it so you can make it to the other side. Doesn’t really appeal to the crowd that believes good relationships should be effortless. I know one thing for sure…if I ever get serious about anyone in the future, that will be the first thing I figure out about them. When the going gets rough, what do they do? What have they done in the past? That’s something I didn’t give enough weight to in the past but it means everything to me now.
You know, you could be right about what you said. Maybe she has wanted this for a while and is high on happiness of escaping a marriage she does want. Time will tell I guess, but I do know that this time when she told me i did say I wasn’t going to persuade her to stay or try to talk her out of it. I kinda that about the old saying if you love something let it go. If it comes back it is yours, if it doesn’t it wasn’t meant to be. When I originally wrote that about the mental stuff it was actually her sister and husband he brought it up, because her grandmother was bipolar, and once had to be taken from her house in a straight jacket her sister said. I know the first time 3 years ago she approached me about wanting a divorce, I found out she was tied up in an emotional affair and she admitted to having sex once. I did everything wrong and begged pleaded, pursued you name it.
I don't speak for LBS, but for me I think i have been trying to use reason or so call find a reason on why at times. And as you all have said, it's a dead end. I tried the death of her dad 6 months ago, the heart procedure of her mom two months ago, the fractured hip of her 100 year old grandma a few weeks ago. MLC, her self esteem because of her weight, she is 4`11 and weighs more than I do, im 6`1 185 but I always told her she is more than a number On a scale and her sister just having gastric by pass and has slimmed way down and she has told me she is jealous of her. I have used all these things in my post to tried to explain this, and it could possibly be what you said it may be, I guess only time will tell .
This time when she told me I said, I am not going to try to stop you this, (as hard as it was for me to do). And for the past month since getting the news I have reached out very minimal, as I said 95% of contact has been initiated by her. I have to let her find her own path, whether it leads her away or even if it may lead her back. I know I have to GAL, and let the chips fall where they may. Thanks for the feed back, and ecspecially hearing from a woman's point of view.
And I totally understand what you are saying about her sister and my brother law, and I agree with it as well. I a lot of days I think my biggest thing and you all tell me it, is dropping the rope and moving on. One of my biggest hang ups is, she has been a great mother to our kids, and I worry About her because of that reason as how the last two relationships Started and who she may date or find, as they will possibly be around my kids. But again I have no control over this….
And I totally understand what you are saying about her sister and my brother law, and I agree with it as well. I a lot of days I think my biggest thing and you all tell me it, is dropping the rope and moving on. One of my biggest hang ups is, she has been a great mother to our kids, and I worry About her because of that reason as how the last two relationships Started and who she may date or find, as they will possibly be around my kids. But again I have no control over this….
Dink, you have adult kids, they can and will reason. I know we look at our kids and feel as if they are newborns, it’s parenting. No matter how your sitch develops, don’t worry about them, please start taking good care of YOU. If you want change, you need to start first with urself and everything else will follow…… I know it’s super hard, it’s difficult and most importantly it’s painful 😓. I am going through my own sitch right now and trust me I spent countless number of hours trying to figure out what happened and it got me nowhere good, made me more sick. Listen to Vets here, look at other threads for good info, it’s there and good quotes too…. You need a big man hug bro, we r with u.
So my one son who 27 and when I told last Saturday we were getting a divorce and is the one who took it hardest last time just called me about a half hour ago. His mom finally made it out to his house tonight to talk to him and his wife. It doesn’t sound like it went real well. When he called me he said
His mom was there like 5 hours. He said hey dad she was being really nice about you saying what a great guy you are and how great a dad you are and how she loves you, and he said I asked her why are you want to get a divorce then? He then said Because when I talked to dad he was saying nice thing about you as well. Then he said he told his mom he was mad at her, he said to her because i feel dad tried really hard, and he said she said he did, And it sounds like she brought up those years and said she just still hasn’t been able to totally get past that and make her selF whole again, And she mentioned since we have been separated about feeling better overall. She also mention to him about me having a hard time communicating at time in the marriage. He the said I don't care which one of you find someone else first im telling you right now im going to have a problem with it.
He said I told her dads a really good dude and really changed and takes good care of you, so I just don't really understand . And he said yes that is true, but again it sounds like she responded about those years and it was like it went in a. If Lee a little. He then said the started talking about his grandpa (his mothers dad) who passed about. 6 months ago, and the both started crying and I think from what he was telling me the night kinda went in circles.
I knew going in that he would have the problems with all of this, he is the one who said to her sister if you know about any funny business going on you better tell me. I'm actually surprised she didn't call me on her way home from leaving his house, but even if she did there is nothing I could of done about it.
I know my wife is currently in a active affair, and I know probably a lot of guilt was eating at her when talking to him . But it was her decision to be in an affair, and started the affair before ever mentioning this time she wanted a divorce. and because of what she is currently doing, that is on her to figure out with him.
But as I said earlier If this is truly what's she wants, I knew I had to let her go and not try to talk her into staying like last time. I know that i have not try to get her stay this time. As far as what she is currently doing though and what my sons my feel and what he maybe be thinking and saying to her that is something she has to workout with herself And my son.
So my one son who 27 and when I told last Saturday we were getting a divorce and is the one who took it hardest last time just called me about a half hour ago. His mom finally made it out to his house tonight to talk to him and his wife. It doesn’t sound like it went real well. When he called me he said
His mom was there like 5 hours. He said hey dad she was being really nice about you saying what a great guy you are and how great a dad you are and how she loves you, and he said I asked her why are you want to get a divorce then? He then said Because when I talked to dad he was saying nice thing about you as well. Then he said he told his mom he was mad at her, he said to her because i feel dad tried really hard, and he said she said he did, And it sounds like she brought up those years and said she just still hasn’t been able to totally get past that and make her selF whole again, And she mentioned since we have been separated about feeling better overall. She also mention to him about me having a hard time communicating at time in the marriage. He the said I don't care which one of you find someone else first im telling you right now im going to have a problem with it.
He said I told her dads a really good dude and really changed and takes good care of you, so I just don't really understand . And he said yes that is true, but again it sounds like she responded about those years and it was like it went in a. If Lee a little. He then said the started talking about his grandpa (his mothers dad) who passed about. 6 months ago, and the both started crying and I think from what he was telling me the night kinda went in circles.
I knew going in that he would have the problems with all of this, he is the one who said to her sister if you know about any funny business going on you better tell me. I'm actually surprised she didn't call me on her way home from leaving his house, but even if she did there is nothing I could of done about it.
I know my wife is currently in a active affair, and I know probably a lot of guilt was eating at her when talking to him . But it was her decision to be in an affair, and started the affair before ever mentioning this time she wanted a divorce. and because of what she is currently doing, that is on her to figure out with him.
But as I said earlier If this is truly what's she wants, I knew I had to let her go and not try to talk her into staying like last time. I know that i have not try to get her stay this time. As far as what she is currently doing though and what my sons my feel and what he maybe be thinking and saying to her that is something she has to workout with herself And my son.
This is all a waste of time.
Have you been exercising? Been to IC yet? What do you have planned for the weekend? Why don’t you go for a long hike outside the city, and then go out to a pizza bar on your way home? What are your mates up to? Any good movies on atm? Do you have a bike to do some riding?
Dink her narrative will change many times. My exw has at least 3 that i know of but probably many more. If you need to know the true narrative it is one of two things. She lost attraction to you or she doesn’t see a happy future with you. There you have it. Can you move forward now? Probably not. You will when your ready. I read on here many many years ago that the best response to “I want a divorce” is to hand them a box of their stuff and say “good luck with that” and then go out and live a kick a$$ life. Best sentence I have ever written on this board. You can’t lose because either A they will want to be a part of it or B you won’t care because your life is so great and you probably will find someone better.
Unfortunately that rarely happens and that is why there is so much suffering on this board. As I have said there are still people on this board pondering their narratives 5-10 years later which is really sad. Don’t be one of those people. Move forward.
My response to that is that doubling down does not necessarily have to lead to living a miserable existence.
What I was trying to say was some if not most people in long term marriages even though it's miserable decide to stay an just accept it as being bad. They don't double down and try to fix anything. They just live a comfortable miserable existence.
