I had a fun wedding weekend away. It was a beautiful wedding, lots of fun, danced all night. They wrote their own vows and they were to sweet. I always listen very closely to them. They love and accept everything they are, their quirks and love that they both unapologetically themselves. It was beautiful. That’s what I realize I have always been afraid of. Being unapologetically myself because no one has really been able to love every part of me. I want someone to love the bad, good , annoying, flawed parts of me .
I was at the wedding with coworkers and I didn’t even mention applying for the position, but they all told me I should on their own will. I’m going to apply. If I do actually get it, the salary is going to have to be enough to make it worth it, because I think I might have to give up my other position.
D leaves Thursday for vacation. I’ve got a week to myself. Having dinner Friday night with a friend. Otherwise, I really just want to focus on house stuff and hit the gym, do some yoga, go in a hike and start working on my lawn if the weather permits
Thanks KML! It was a really good time. And I’m going to miss the little Pain in the butt, but I will enjoy just taking care of me for a week. I, of course, volunteered to fil in for a sick call at my job this upcoming Sunday. God forbid I take time for myself! But I need the money. I am also going to talk to my boss tomorrow about applying for the position.
I’m other news, I realize I am completely jinxed in the area of dating. The guy my coworker set me up with, her son. Well, he told me tonight that he is an ex heroin addict. His mom certainly didn’t mention that. I don’t even know what to do or what to say.
Even getting set up by a coworker and this is what what I get.
Although I will say, some of the nicest people I’ve ever met were EX-heroin addicts. Nonetheless, you need and deserve someone who doesn’t bring up your childhood trauma.
It’s perfectly okay to say “look, I have family trauma around an addicted parent who died. Please don’t take this personally, but I just don’t think I can handle the things this would stir up for me”.
I’m trying to be understanding. I’m just a little miffed that she made a point of making sure I’m OK with the medical marijuana but left out ex heroin addict. It’s kind of big.
He’s a nice guy. But I know the stats on heroin addicts. Relapse rate is extremely high. And with my mothers addiction history, I just don’t know if I can see something like that happen again, or worry about it Happening. I have to digest it.
My luck in dating hasn’t been so great. Bipolar and ex heroin addict in the last 6 months. Sometimes I think the universe is telling me to just stop trying already
He may be a nice guy, and ex-addicts certainly deserve love too. If it was two years from ages 20-22 I'd probably not be too concerned. But nonetheless - YOU don't have to take this on. YOUR family history makes this especially problematic for YOU and you don't have to nice yourself into dating someone if it's going to be a problem for you with your history. And you can present it to him that way too. It's not about him, it's about the way his history interacts with your childhood trauma. It's okay to say no on that basis alone. And if he can't be understanding of that, you wouldn't have wanted to date him anyway.
Wow, where to start. Guess here. Finally I can again agree with much of what KML is saying. That used to be a common occurrence pre crazy world but not so much since. This time though she brings up some good points. I guess I’m not sure that your family history is as pertinent to this as HIS history is but good points.
On the plus side, “heroin addict” is not even close to meaning today what it did in the 70s. Far, far too many people who could never fathom using heroin found themselves doing just that. The huge majority stated with prescription pills - many prescribed for legit reasons. Everyone was sold a bill of goods by “the experts” (see a theme there) claiming opioids were safe and would not cause addiction. Which has kicked off death and destruction above and beyond Covid - just over a longer time frame. So then pills and legit prescriptions dried up but addiction did not. Millions have then found themselves using heroin.
You are very correct on the relapse rate. First year is as high as 90% unless put on medication. Even then it’s 50%. 12 step rarely works for opioids. So his chance of relapse at 6 months is big. He probably should not even be dating for another 6 months. He likely was self medicating his anxiety which he now self medicates with weed. He’s high risk at least now.
He may be a great guy and with opioid addiction through the roof recovering addicts are everywhere. “Taking a chance” on someone 5 or even 3 years in remission without relapse is not out of the question but 6 months to me is not even a close call. Don’t do it.
The other bigger picture here is what’s going on behind the scenes. I said last week how sadly many set ups by well meaning friends don’t take into account a potential match or common interests, or shared values. Top of the list is they are both single. You’ve got to keep that in mind. But beyond that in this case, this is mommy trying to help her boy be happy. She never gave it a thought the potential cost to you. This was no different than, “I’ve got the perfect guy for the job opening you have.” It’s rarely based (by a family or friend) on qualifications, work ethics, drive, etc. it’s based mostly on the friend or family member needs a job! He needs a GF and she sees you as someone that could really help him get his life back in line and make him happy. She didn’t care if she put you at risk. Either that or she’s in denial and codependent.
Sadly Ginger this is no friend. Friends don’t do this. Again I get it, it’s her child. Just have to be weary of these setups. Not to say don’t do them. Just need to treat them like any other stranger or yes exactly like a tinder match. In some ways it’s worse. At least on Tinder you are very careful. But when it’s a known person, the benefit of the doubt pops in.
At least he told you. That tells me he’s more serious about recovery. That’s a plus. I’d for sure ask mommy why she would do this to you. Why put you at risk like this? Of course that’s me. Just at least don’t trust this lady again. She’s not looking out for your best interest - she’s only looking out for hers and her sons. This is like selling you a used car that she knows has problems - but she needs the money and you need a car. Sometimes people suk.
Don’t give up on setups. You just need to be aware of them as much as you’re aware of OLD and the real truths with it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Don, I think Ginger has dated someone with BPD and now the ex-heroin addict within the last 6 months. I don't see that this person was actively using 6 months ago, am I reading this correctly?
Either way, G, your trigger points are highly likely to be activated unintentionally by this guy. I'd take a hard pass. If he was an ex user 20 years ago, that's one thing, but still, what's his life like now? I know people who have been clean for nearly 40 years and still dope fiend others without owning it or perhaps realizing it themselves. Hard pass.
Apply for the job then decide if you want to take it. Keep your options open.
As for dating, activities that you enjoy will also attract other like-minded souls.
xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Don, I think Ginger has dated someone with BPD and now the ex-heroin addict within the last 6 months. I don't see that this person was actively using 6 months ago, am I reading this correctly?
If this is true I apologize. I thought he was only clean for 6 months. If it’s 6 years it can be a very different story. If 40 years, I mean, c’mon. Relationships have risk. Anything can happen to anyone. Someone can develop a new addiction. They can receive a devastating diagnosis like in KMLs case. They can receive a head injury and drastically change their personality. If we are going to eliminated people for something 25 years ago we are going to eliminate a whole lot of people. Who will be left? We need to be reasonable.
The very best predictor of future behavior is their recent, relevant past behavior. What has gone on in the last 5 years is likely to continue. If the last 5 years have included active addiction that is likely to continue. The same goes for sobriety. Likewise I would not be nearly as harsh on this guys mother if he’s been sober for 10 years. It was the recentness of it all that set me off on mom.
Bottom line, no one is going to be perfect and without risk. If we eliminate everyone for anything in the past 40 years we are going to be alone. No one is without baggage or risk. It’s how they have dealt with it in recent years that means the most - and that includes addiction.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I just found the relapse rate after 5 years clean and it’s very low. My logical side this is not a dealbreaker, having never been nor dated an addict.
I do get and agree with what kml is saying, Ginger, that your baggage may make it right for you to reject an otherwise great guy because hearing his past may trigger you
