A bit of recap. Married 8 years, dated 4 years prior, 1 son 3 years old and currently pregnant. H admitted PA about 10 months ago, and tried to make it work for 2 months before he left because he wanted to be with AP. H ended up living with OW. Found out I was pregnant and he came back 3 months after. After 3 months of 'reconciling' and 'recommitting' H said he could not forget the OW and want to live with her. OW went crazy over an instagram post I made and we went through 1 month with no contact. After that H came to help out but still living with OW. Now he is mostly ok about helping out to pick up and drop off son and does visits one day on the weekend when I spend time with my friends. H was recently covid positive when he is at our home staying with our son and therefore needs to isolate for 7 days and I had the Obgyn's orders to stay away from them, so I have been staying at a friend's. H was furious though, as he wants (or have been told to) stay with OW. He texted and said "you do realise that it is going to mean it is very unlikely I will ever be allowed to help with anything again ever?" He has not contacted me since then and I have not heard about my son either. I'm a little worried about what is happening with my son, but I do realise it is partly the need to control the situation from me, but I'm unsure whether I should check if my son is ok with him. Help! Need advice, please.
He has not contacted me since then and I have not heard about my son either. I'm a little worried about what is happening with my son, but I do realise it is partly the need to control the situation from me, but I'm unsure whether I should check if my son is ok with him.
No contact does not apply to your children. You should be able to have contact with your son during the extended quarantine. I'd recommend calling or video chatting with him regularly during the week. You don't need to have a discussion with your husband, just have him hand the phone over to your son.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
AnnKay, No contact does not apply to your children. You should be able to have contact with your son during the extended quarantine. I'd recommend calling or video chatting with him regularly during the week. You don't need to have a discussion with your husband, just have him hand the phone over to your son.
Thank you, BL42. Yes I might try that. The "you do realise that it is going to mean it is very unlikely I will ever be allowed to help with anything again ever?" is a bit worrying though. It is a threat but it also just shows how much of a stupid situation he has found himself with OW, which only suggests when it comes to divorce settlement I can only expect the worse from him.
Thank you, BL42. Yes I might try that. The "you do realise that it is going to mean it is very unlikely I will ever be allowed to help with anything again ever?" is a bit worrying though. It is a threat but it also just shows how much of a stupid situation he has found himself with OW, which only suggests when it comes to divorce settlement I can only expect the worse from him.
1. He’s threatening to see if you’ll take the bait. He wants to know he’s still got you as his plan B if it doesn’t work out with OW. This is textbook, classic affair behaviour. Do not respond to it under any circumstances.
2. Maybe he’s going to be a pig during the divorce and make it really acrimonious. And maybe he won’t. Do you think that’s something in your control? Newsflash - what you say or do won’t change a wayward spouse making shi**y decisions. LBS often get themselves wrapped up in “what if I say xyz or abc, maybe it will be amicable, I don’t want to piss him off, maybe this is a sign of things to come, what does it all mean….
Don’t disappear down that tunnel. He’s going to do what he’s going to do, and how/if you respond is not going to change anything.
Perhaps spend that energy thinking about what you can control, rather than what you can’t.
Wow AnnKay… just wow. He won’t be “allowed” to “help out” with his own child? She’s an immature b^tch and he’s a man child. Sorry…not helpful but that’s beyond ridiculous. What a desperate woman she must be to want to be with a guy who has a pregnant wife and a three year-old and then feel so threatened she wants to prevent him from seeing his kids. Some people have no shame whatsoever. Rest assured… both of them have first class seat reservations on the karma bus!! In the meantime, however, this is just the level of sh*tty behaviour you are going to be dealing with. BTW… I’d save that text in case he decides to contest custody. I don’t know if it would make a difference but it definitely shows his mindset when it comes to looking after his own child. He’s sees himself as a babysitter who needs to ask his mom if he’s allowed to take a job. Yes…you would be smart to expect the worst.
I agree with others. Tell him you need to FaceTime with your son and have him hand him the phone.
So sorry you are going through this at this time in your life AnnKay. Big (((HUGS)))
1. He’s threatening to see if you’ll take the bait. He wants to know he’s still got you as his plan B if it doesn’t work out with OW. This is textbook, classic affair behaviour. Do not respond to it under any circumstances.
Thanks Kind18, you're like the WAS whisperer (or psychic). I did not respond to him and as it turned out, he ended up staying in the apartment with my son despite whatever fears I had.
Originally Posted by Kind18
2. Maybe he’s going to be a pig during the divorce and make it really acrimonious. And maybe he won’t. Do you think that’s something in your control? Newsflash - what you say or do won’t change a wayward spouse making shi**y decisions. LBS often get themselves wrapped up in “what if I say xyz or abc, maybe it will be amicable, I don’t want to piss him off, maybe this is a sign of things to come, what does it all mean….
Don’t disappear down that tunnel. He’s going to do what he’s going to do, and how/if you respond is not going to change anything.
I completely agree and understand this concept when I am reading this, but whenever something happens, all reasoning seem to go out the window. I know I still have a long way to go until I can consciously avoid the tunnel more effectively.
Wow AnnKay… just wow. He won’t be “allowed” to “help out” with his own child? She’s an immature b^tch and he’s a man child. Sorry…not helpful but that’s beyond ridiculous. What a desperate woman she must be to want to be with a guy who has a pregnant wife and a three year-old and then feel so threatened she wants to prevent him from seeing his kids. Some people have no shame whatsoever. Rest assured… both of them have first class seat reservations on the karma bus!! In the meantime, however, this is just the level of sh*tty behaviour you are going to be dealing with.
Thank you, Dejavu. Yes, he is a man child. Some arguments we had were filled with him stomping (literally stomping) out of the room mid-conversation without so much as a goodbye. I should have known better. I must have thought he would have changed.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
BTW… I’d save that text in case he decides to contest custody. I don’t know if it would make a difference but it definitely shows his mindset when it comes to looking after his own child. He’s sees himself as a babysitter who needs to ask his mom if he’s allowed to take a job. Yes…you would be smart to expect the worst.
Thanks for this note. Yes I will definitely save this text.
Thanks Kind18, you're like the WAS whisperer (or psychic).
Hahaha, that’s total BS SteveLW and LH19 are the real divorce whisperers. They have seen and heard it all before and have an intricate knowledge of the psychology behind both walkaway/wayward spouses and the LBS. Their ability to see through BS is second to none. DNJ is a lighthouse for many with his positive comments, smoothing the worst of the peaks and troughs for those who post in complete despair.
This site has incredible experience, knowledge and advice. Use it wisely!
Quote
I did not respond to him and as it turned out, he ended up staying in the apartment with my son despite whatever fears I had.
This is good for two reasons: 1. You set a reasonable boundary, stuck to it and didn’t get involved in communication games. 2. You can start to see that often as LBSs, we are used to making decisions through fear. This leads us to always ruminate on the “what ifs”, and we spend 99% of energy thinking about the 1% worst case scenarios. Like I said - maybe he’ll be a dick, and maybe he won’t. This time, he wasn’t. Perhaps next time, when you are worrying about it, remember this time how it all went okay.
I see some similarities in you. I think you’d find a lot of value in the following:
Google “YouTube Transactional Analysis Part 1 Ego States and Basic Transactions”
Watch the video.
Watch the Part 2 and 3 videos from the same series.
Have a good long think about your interactions with husband from now on. The comment he made about not being able to help at all in the future… try to relate that to a) him entering child state (which I’m guessing was a regular occurrence in your relationship) and b) him using gimmicks and games to try and draw you into bad transactions.
Once you start to get some objective, big picture visibility over your interactions with him, you can start to apply transactional analysis theory. The key becomes staying in healthy adult for all interactions with him and not responding to games/gimmicks or when he uses child/parent state.
My ex does this all the time, you could set your clock to it. As soon as I see a gimmick, a game (fishing) or she starts moving to child or parent state, I simply say “I’ve made my position clear. This is my boundary.” … and stop communication.
It’s incredibly effective once you understand these concepts, and learn how to break the cycle.
Studies release last week show that pregnant women have twice the chance of a breakthrough Covid case, and we already know that pregnant women are at higher risk of serious disease from Covid. Stick to your guns. And don't trust your H to say son has tested negative.
Also - is there a way your attorney can search for other accounts in your H's name? If he was making that much more than you, where did all the money go? I wouldn't be surprised if he has a secret account.
This is good for two reasons: 1. You set a reasonable boundary, stuck to it and didn’t get involved in communication games. 2. You can start to see that often as LBSs, we are used to making decisions through fear. This leads us to always ruminate on the “what ifs”, and we spend 99% of energy thinking about the 1% worst case scenarios. Like I said - maybe he’ll be a dick, and maybe he won’t. This time, he wasn’t. Perhaps next time, when you are worrying about it, remember this time how it all went okay.
Yes, I was definitely worrying myself out of fear. It may be the trauma of BD (twice) or the loss of sense of control and safety that made me resort to thinking this way. I am not sure what to do about it just yet. I am still getting over the hurt and betrayal day by day. I will have IC and DB coaching tomorrow and cannot wait to tell them about what just happened.
Originally Posted by Kind18
I think you’d find a lot of value in the following:
Google “YouTube Transactional Analysis Part 1 Ego States and Basic Transactions”
Watch the video.
Watch the Part 2 and 3 videos from the same series.
Have a good long think about your interactions with husband from now on. The comment he made about not being able to help at all in the future… try to relate that to a) him entering child state (which I’m guessing was a regular occurrence in your relationship) and b) him using gimmicks and games to try and draw you into bad transactions.
Thanks for this, Kind18. I will watch this in more detail.
Originally Posted by Kind18
The key becomes staying in healthy adult for all interactions with him and not responding to games/gimmicks or when he uses child/parent state.
this is a good one.
Originally Posted by Kind18
My ex does this all the time, you could set your clock to it. As soon as I see a gimmick, a game (fishing) or she starts moving to child or parent state, I simply say “I’ve made my position clear. This is my boundary.” … and stop communication. It’s incredibly effective once you understand these concepts, and learn how to break the cycle.
How does your ex respond to what you say when you told her this?
SteveLW and LH19 are the real divorce whisperers. They have seen and heard it all before and have an intricate knowledge of the psychology behind both walkaway/wayward spouses and the LBS. Their ability to see through BS is second to none. DNJ is a lighthouse for many with his positive comments, smoothing the worst of the peaks and troughs for those who post in complete despair.