Dink I just want to say I know how you feel and huge respect for telling the kids the way you did. That there is true strength and taking responsibility for the situation you are in.
Hit the gym! For me, always the best way to handle the mixed soup of emotions.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
so after affair discovery why do you guys feel that the LBS always seems to be the one so damaged and depressed ?
Bur the one caught having the affair appears to be fine for the most part? And in your experience, when do you feel the WW or WH starting showing regret or second thoughts about wanting to leave after affair discovery and maybe want to reconcile , or if they do at all?
So to answer your first question. Loss of control and fear of the future. Although your life and marriage wasn’t likely very good it was familiar. You knew what your life and typical day looked like. Now there’s uncertainty and your brain doesn’t like it so it’s trying to get you to pursue and get control of your life back. With time and space your new life will be your new norm.
To answer your second question she has been planning her escape for likely years so she has already grieved the end of your marriage. Right now she’s getting shots of dopamine from her affair and is convinced she will be moving on and living happily ever after. Rarely the case. I think 5% of people end up marrying their AP though it does happen.
She may show signs of regret in a minimum of 2 years probably more like 5 years. By then my guess is you will have moved on. Some stand but most grieve and move on. The good news is you don’t have to make a decision today.
so after affair discovery why do you guys feel that the LBS always seems to be the one so damaged and depressed ?
Bur the one caught having the affair appears to be fine for the most part? And in your experience, when do you feel the WW or WH starting showing regret or second thoughts about wanting to leave after affair discovery and maybe want to reconcile , or if they do at all?
Dink, it is an awful feeling being cheated on. No one I've ever known has ever taken out very well. But if they are damaged, it is because they were damaged before and just didn't realize it. Being so attached to another person, depending on that person for happiness, and just assuming that person will always be there is being damaged. We live in an imperfect world, if they don't cheat and leave you, disease or accident could remove them from your life at any moment. That's why over attachment is so insidious. So you can't blame another person's actions for you being damaged, that's on you.
Being depressed is usually due to the fact that we thought our WS was one person and we have to have the fact that they weren't who we thought they were. Especially those of us that have idealized our WS. LBHs also have quite a competitive streak when it comes to the thought of the OM. Factoring in that most cheaters affair down. IE the OP is usually not quite the catch that the LBS is. This makes LBHs in particular stew and obsess over why it happened. In reality these things are uber complex and one may never know the reasons, certainly not all of the reasons, that their WW cheated.
Both of these reasons (being damaged and depressed) are why GAL, self-improvements, and detaching are so important. Dink, you've been asked before of you are in IC. I don't remember you answering. You seem to have a bit of avoidant tendencies. Are you in IC? If not get into it immediately. You need help to navigate all of this. This forum can only do so much. Do yourself a huge favor and find a good IC.
As far as the last question, I do not like to address questions like that. First, no one knows. Every WS is different. Some have regrets fairly quickly, some never do. I've theorized that all cheating spouses eventually have regrets, but that's only of they live long enough to regret it! The point is that it is not something you can or should count on. Move forward with your life. If she were to eventually regret it and want to R, then you would have a decision to make. Too be honest, by then, believe it or not, you will probably have no desire to R with her. Chances are you'll have met someone new by then anyway. Besides, you deserve better than someone that cheats on you anyway!
So focus on yourself. Leave her to her own devices. And get busy living an awesome life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
so after affair discovery why do you guys feel that the LBS always seems to be the one so damaged and depressed ?
Bur the one caught having the affair appears to be fine for the most part?
To LH's point, fear of uncertainty and loss of control play in plus it's often the case LBSs are caught off-guard because the WAS/WS have often been thinking about it and maybe planning it for awhile and had been preparing themselves mentally for the day whereas the LBS find out on BD and are months or years behind in processing it. Though I do wonder if it's a bit different in your situation than others' as it seems like it might be less shocking considering you had an affair and years of emotional unavailability plus announced D to your kids 3 years ago.
Originally Posted by Dink
And in your experience, when do you feel the WW or WH starting showing regret or second thoughts about wanting to leave after affair discovery and maybe want to reconcile , or if they do at all?
Originally Posted by LH19
She may show signs of regret in a minimum of 2 years probably more like 5 years. By then my guess is you will have moved on. Some stand but most grieve and move on. The good news is you don’t have to make a decision today.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I do not like to address questions like that. First, no one knows. Every WS is different.
It's true no one knows, but if you're asking this question out of hope because you read online the average affair last 3-6 months, don't take that to the bank. You need to start getting in the mindset or "this is a marathon, not a sprint", and lean towards LH's 2-5 years which (if at all) is a much more likely timeframe than 3 months. Wrap your head around a really long time.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Dink, it is an awful feeling being cheated on. No one I've ever known has ever taken out very well. But if they are damaged, it is because they were damaged before and just didn't realize it. Being so attached to another person, depending on that person for happiness, and just assuming that person will always be there is being damaged. We live in an imperfect world, if they don't cheat and leave you, disease or accident could remove them from your life at any moment. That's why over attachment is so insidious. So you can't blame another person's actions for you being damaged, that's on you.
SteveLW - Can you clarify your statement here? Maybe I'm completely misreading, but It sounds like you're blaming the LBS for being damaged if they're struggling with their spouse's affair and upset and overly attached, not the WS? Yes, we can agree over attachment is an issue and people should not depend on others for their own happiness, but there is a also significant difference between a car accident or cancer death and an affair/divorce. The former does not include the lies, betrayal, continued contact through kids and potentially AP intertwined in their lives.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
So focus on yourself. Leave her to her own devices. And get busy living an awesome life.
Agreed!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
so after affair discovery why do you guys feel that the LBS always seems to be the one so damaged and depressed ?
Dink, a couple of us on this forum have been the WAS. That's an easy one to answer for me. If you want to hear, read on. If reading might trigger you, skip the rest of this post.
...
The WAS was often in profound pain for years or months growing like a crescendo until Ball Drop. Ball Drop is near the start of profound pain for the LBS which may take months or years to abate. Without speculating whose pain is stronger or longer or more righteous, the WAS' and LBS' pain are inverses. You both get damaged and depressed--at different times. You'll both heal given time.
The WAS was often in profound pain for years or months growing like a crescendo until Ball Drop. Ball Drop is near the start of profound pain for the LBS which may take months or years to abate.
Isn't it "Bomb Day"? Or have I been misunderstanding the "BD" acronym for two years now? lol
Last edited by BL42; 04/05/2201:32 AM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Dink, it is an awful feeling being cheated on. No one I've ever known has ever taken out very well. But if they are damaged, it is because they were damaged before and just didn't realize it. Being so attached to another person, depending on that person for happiness, and just assuming that person will always be there is being damaged. We live in an imperfect world, if they don't cheat and leave you, disease or accident could remove them from your life at any moment. That's why over attachment is so insidious. So you can't blame another person's actions for you being damaged, that's on you.
SteveLW - Can you clarify your statement here? Maybe I'm completely misreading, but It sounds like you're blaming the LBS for being damaged if they're struggling with their spouse's affair and upset and overly attached, not the WS? Yes, we can agree over attachment is an issue and people should not depend on others for their own happiness, but there is a also significant difference between a car accident or cancer death and an affair/divorce. The former does not include the lies, betrayal, continued contact through kids and potentially AP intertwined in their lives.
I was talking mostly about over-attachment being damaged. So I'm not sure what you need me to clarify? Is someone being damaged the fault of a cheating spouse? No. Life is 90% what happens to you and 10% your attitude about it. Death or cheating is out of the LBSs control. Putting in the work necessary to overcome is up to the LBS.
Dink combined being damaged and depression. I purposely separated them in my response. Depression over being cheated on is temporary. Allowing it to damage you can be permanent, but the only way that happens is for the LBS to allow it to paralyze them instead of moving forward.
Last edited by SteveLW; 04/05/2201:58 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What is kinda weird for me is that the last 3 years , at least to me were kinda of some of the best connecting between us I felt. We had sex a lot. And it was great sex on both parts, a lot of times with her initiating and we cuddled every single night and had more conversations . Not that isn’t to say I still didn’t struggle with communication at times, so it probably triggered the past when I wasn’t emotionallly available. And as I stated in one of my original post, I turned in to super husband, rarely going out, and trying to do everything….I turned unattractive by walking on Eggshells and more than likely caused her to lose attraction as I becoming weak in her eyes And it eventually caused the loss of respect and attraction. I don’t know but I know now I need to GAL and move forward
