Need advice please (2)

[LH19]

On Tuesday night and called me and said we need to tell them, and I said ok .she said do you want to together or separate and I said whatever and she said ok bye. I haven’t heard from her since.

Shortly after that she tried to call me but I did not answer.

So I am guessing communication was an issue in your marriage like most people who have been here. Moving forward the best way to communicate is to be direct and decisive. "W you should be the one to tell them" or "W we should tell them together". Your vague answer and then you not answering her call comes off as either A passive aggressive or B you are butt hurt. Neither paint you in a good light.

[Traveler]

Also, by doing it tomorrow I can tell them about setting up a separate group chat as this will help me I believe gOing forward with detaching.

Do I understand correctly--you have a family group chat where your kids, you, and your XW chat--and tomorrow along with the divorce you're going to announce a separate "Dirk Chat" vs. "XW Chat" to choose between when they send messages?

Could you delay to give your kids time to adjust and be sure that's what you want long-term? Being the one to leave, you may just hear less from your kids. You could always just read it less frequently while you're processing.

[Dink]

Traveler, after reading your comment I agree with you. As far as doing the separate chats, announcing that at a little later date is a better plan. I feel it is necessary for me to further detach but waiting a little bit isn’t going to matter that much at this,point. My wife called me after selling my message about going to my sons tomorrow to get my paint sprayer. We spoke briefly and she said so when were you planning on telling the kids. I told her I was planning on telling the kids tomorrow I can do it by myself. She said you weren’t even going to tell me? I said when you called me Tuesday after leaving his house you said we need to tellbecause I think they might know something is is going on. I said ok just let me know when, she said you want to together or separate, I said im good either way. I didn't hear from you since Tuesday, so made my decision I wanted to tell the Saturday. I said I can tell them by myself, then you can do the same thing or if you prefer we can go together Saturday. She said I have plans Saturday, what about Sunday, I said I have plans Sunday. She then says I could possibly Saturday if we do it early, I said that’s fine.
She was on her way to see her grandma who just had surgery. On her way home from seeing her grandma she calls me and says, im good with you just telling them tomorrow and I will see them on Sunday I said ok, if you are sure. She goes, I think it would probably be better because I don’t want to be there together because they will see that you hate you have for me in your eyes. I said im not going to throw under the bus and I will do the talking unlike last time if you want me to. I will make it short and say your mom and I have made a decision to part ways after trying to reconcile these past three years and we have been unable to get to that place unfortunately. Our relationship with you won’t change we will always be your mom and dad and we both love you very much . Yes things are going to unfortunately change as far as the family aspect, but currently we don’t know how everything is going to look. She was crying and saying so you are just going to cut me out of your life, and not talk with me, and we can’t be friends? I said I told you that unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to do that, you fired me as your husband and im not comfortable being in the friend role for you, exspecially after finding out about the current affair. She goes I know you hate me I can just tell my how cold you are being towards me when I have reached out to you. She said I do still love you and care about you , im just not in love with you. I said well you kinda blindside me and even last time we went thru this I told you the same thing. For me to move I need to do this for myself. And she cried more and I said I will go tomorrow and I will text you and let you know who I was all able to talk to so that you know and can plan accordingly for when you go Sunday. And she said fine and we hung up.

[LH19]

So Dink she is trying to emotionally manipulate you. Right now she could care less about being friends with you. She wants to use “friends” to show your children that this is a mutual decision and you two are “friends”. This eases her guilt. My suggestion to you would be to stick to your guns. NC unless it involves the children or the D. Since your children are older contact should be minimum.

[Kind18]

More interactions = more pain.

LH19 writes gold Dink. You need to consider LH19 to be some sort of Jedi-master in this field with the world’s best bullshit detector.

She wants to play happy families, for nothing to be her fault, and she is manipulating the situation to try and make herself feel less guilty.

Don’t fall for the emotional blackmail.

The “I can’t be your friend, you fired me as your husband” was the perfect response. At that point, you should have hung up.

Less interaction (ie no contact) = happier, stronger Dink.

[Dink]

Also when she called me she said. Do,I need to get a lawyer, I said that’s up to you. When we meet I thought we decide we thought we could figure this out mutally ourselves. She said well I thought that too, but you have just been so cold and short to me when we have talked lately

[SteveLW]

-sigh-

She said. She said. She said.

She's a liar and a cheater. Why even talk to her, let alone take her at her word? You can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

[LH19]

Also when she called me she said. Do,I need to get a lawyer, I said that’s up to you. When we meet I thought we decide we thought we could figure this out mutally ourselves. She said well I thought that too, but you have just been so cold and short to me when we have talked lately

Dink there is some value to try to settle things first w/o lawyers. Tell her to email what you think is a fair settlement. If it looks good to you take it to your lawyer.

Think of her as a business partner and you have agreed to dissolve the business. How would handle it?

[JosephS]

You had and continue to have the issue of talking to her way to much. Look how often you talk and look at what’s been resolved? Absolutely nothing. Your kids are adults, yes it’s going to suck for them, but at the end of the day, they aren’t little kids.

LH’s post about your potential STBXW doing this to ease her guilt and burden is spot on.

To me, her asking if she needs a lawyer is a signal things could be about to get nasty. If you to can do all of this without a lawyer that would be ideal, but in my opinion, she’ll use that as a tool to manipulate you, and you’ll use it as a too to keep constant contact with her. I think if you were actually divorce busting there would definitely be more merit to this to not having a lawyer idea, but you’re not and I think you’re playing with fire not having one.

So what can we do for you? What is your goal? Is it to fix your marriage or have a peaceful divorce?

[Ready2Change]

Hi Dink,

I am having a hard time reading your post. A few extra "Enters" would make it much easier, something like this:

Traveler, after reading your comment I agree with you. As far as doing the separate chats, announcing that at a little later date is a better plan. I feel it is necessary for me to further detach but waiting a little bit isn’t going to matter that much at this,point.


My wife called me after selling my message about going to my sons tomorrow to get my paint sprayer. We spoke briefly and she said so when were you planning on telling the kids. I told her I was planning on telling the kids tomorrow I can do it by myself. She said you weren’t even going to tell me? I said when you called me Tuesday after leaving his house you said we need to tell because I think they might know something is is going on. I said ok just let me know when, she said you want to together or separate, I said im good either way. I didn't hear from you since Tuesday, so made my decision I wanted to tell the Saturday. I said I can tell them by myself, then you can do the same thing or if you prefer we can go together Saturday. She said I have plans Saturday, what about Sunday, I said I have plans Sunday. She then says I could possibly Saturday if we do it early, I said that’s fine.


She was on her way to see her grandma who just had surgery. On her way home from seeing her grandma she calls me and says, im good with you just telling them tomorrow and I will see them on Sunday I said ok, if you are sure. She goes, I think it would probably be better because I don’t want to be there together because they will see that you hate you have for me in your eyes. I said im not going to throw under the bus and I will do the talking unlike last time if you want me to.

I will make it short and say your mom and I have made a decision to part ways after trying to reconcile these past three years and we have been unable to get to that place unfortunately. Our relationship with you won’t change we will always be your mom and dad and we both love you very much . Yes things are going to unfortunately change as far as the family aspect, but currently we don’t know how everything is going to look.

She was crying and saying so you are just going to cut me out of your life, and not talk with me, and we can’t be friends? I said I told you that unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to do that, you fired me as your husband and im not comfortable being in the friend role for you, especially after finding out about the current affair. She goes I know you hate me I can just tell my how cold you are being towards me when I have reached out to you. She said I do still love you and care about you , im just not in love with you. I said well you kinda blindside me and even last time we went thru this I told you the same thing.

For me to move I need to do this for myself. And she cried more and I said I will go tomorrow and I will text you and let you know who I was all able to talk to so that you know and can plan accordingly for when you go Sunday. And she said fine and we hung up.

We have seen the "crocodile tears" here before. Hold your ground. Learn to be direct and firm. Less words almost always has more effect.

Keep working on the DBing behavior.

R2C