Been very Tough couple days. Missed work feel like don’t want todo anything. Simple things like talking about it gets my mental state totally derailed. Seems like I’m struggling with acceptance and pain it brings me. For emotional pain I go to the gym and beat myself for 2.5 hours.
Working on GAL - gym, walking, yesterday bought a bike from Walmart.
Detachment - Couple times found myself in the company of woman, seems like it’s helping getting sanity back Temporarily Then again emotional downfall.
Remember my post above regarding The 5 Stages Of Grief?
Originally Posted by Jq25
Been very Tough couple days. Missed work feel like don’t want todo anything. Simple things like talking about it gets my mental state totally derailed. Seems like I’m struggling with acceptance and pain it brings me.
^This sounds like depression. Missing work, no desire to do anything...etc. That's ok. It's common. I went through it as well. But recognize it and do what you can to combat it. I know it's hard but fighting that feeling and focusing on work or actually going out and doing things will help. You'll get through it.
Originally Posted by Jq25
For emotional pain I go to the gym and beat myself for 2.5 hours.
Perfect! Keep it up. Not only will it help with the immediate, but just wait 6 months and see how great, and strong, and confident you feel.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Working on GAL - gym, walking, yesterday bought a bike from Walmart.
Good stuff. Anything social where you can spend time with friends or make new ones?
Originally Posted by Jq25
Detachment - Couple times found myself in the company of woman, seems like it’s helping getting sanity back Temporarily Then again emotional downfall.
Careful with this. You're in a whirlwind right now with a whole lot of pain and emotions. Not only do you have a good bit of healing and emotions to process until you can have a healthy relationship, but entangling yourself with other woman at this point will make any chance of a R much more difficult.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Detachment - Couple times found myself in the company of woman, seems like it’s helping getting sanity back Temporarily Then again emotional downfall.
Careful with this. You're in a whirlwind right now with a whole lot of pain and emotions. Not only do you have a good bit of healing and emotions to process until you can have a healthy relationship, but entangling yourself with other woman at this point will make any chance of a R much more difficult.
THIS! Last thing you need is to make your problems worse.
Last edited by SteveLW; 03/31/2211:57 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Detachment - Couple times found myself in the company of woman, seems like it’s helping getting sanity back Temporarily Then again emotional downfall.
Careful with this. You're in a whirlwind right now with a whole lot of pain and emotions. Not only do you have a good bit of healing and emotions to process until you can have a healthy relationship, but entangling yourself with other woman at this point will make any chance of a R much more difficult.
THIS! Last thing you need is to make your problems worse.
Wow R will not be possible, no way, you guys can’t even imagine, she is telling people, relatives and family (including the kid) that she is finally free from an extremely abusing relationship (emotional and physical abuse) from non stop fighting and screaming that been going on for years. That’s NOT true, not even small % of what’s coming out of her mouth. Yet she is not telling people that she is in love(including wedding plans) with OM and lives with him when kid not with her….
Where in the WORLD this nonsense coming from? I should be the angry and resentful one for her cheating and divorcing me…..
Wow R will not be possible, no way, you guys can’t even imagine, she is telling people, relatives and family (including the kid) that she is finally free from an extremely abusing relationship (emotional and physical abuse) from non stop fighting and screaming that been going on for years. That’s NOT true, not even small % of what’s coming out of her mouth. Yet she is not telling people that she is in love(including wedding plans) with OM and lives with him when kid not with her….
Where in the WORLD this nonsense coming from? I should be the angry and resentful one for her cheating and divorcing me…..
We don't need to imagine. We've been there. Trust us when we say it's very common for the WAS/WS to blame the LBS for everything wrong in their life, blow the littlest disagreements out of proportion, and claim you were an absolutely terrible spouse including mental abuse even when it's not true.
My now ExW told me after BD I "beat her down for 5 years to the point she was at a '0'". Now our son was 4 and daughter 1 and we had just got back from a wonderful family vacation in Disney World and somewhat recently had a weekend away at a spa resort on a lake for our wedding anniversary, so there were good times in there. You don't know me, but I'm a stand up guy. Fantastic father, good provider, great friend, no perfect but pretty decent husband, no drugs/gambling/abuse...etc. To say I had emotionally abused her and beat her down for 5 years is just objectively false. BUT, that is how she felt and it is (or at least was) her perception.
Your W is rewriting history projecting all her hurts and pains onto you to justify her actions. It doesn't mean how she feels won't change over time.
Read what Core wrote just yesterday in Dink's thread (bold/italics mine):
Originally Posted by Core
The way you are, and I did go about it is wrong (listening to woman you are in strife with). If you need to focus on her for a minute then get back to the advice given, then briefly here goes: she is trying to justify what she is doing, she is trying to convince you of harm in the past - if you agree with what happened then she is validated, if you disagree with her then she is validated as it means youre being abusive now in her eyes. You aren't but right now, she is looking at the past in a negative lens and is rewriting history. If Dink was abusive, surely then I am totally justified in the damage I am doing to him, myself and the family. She will look back as long as needed to find justification. When she finds it, no making how small it was, she will make it an issue then lash out at you for it. If she can't find anything in the past to justify her actions, you can be certain she will create the situation to make new reasons. "I just want space and Dink messages me, see how overbearing and controlling he is?" "Dink messaged me asking to split dishes up, see how he wants me to feel hurt and focus on the divorce?". "This is abusive and why I need out". Then her friends validate her.
It's all nonsense, but that is in one shape or form the reality of the situation. Dink the more you contact with her, the more you will be hurt, and the more it's used against you. It's an unwinnable game until or unless her mindset changes. What you can control right now, is Dinks thoughts, actions and to a degree your own feelings.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Detachment - Couple times found myself in the company of woman, seems like it’s helping getting sanity back Temporarily Then again emotional downfall.
Careful with this. You're in a whirlwind right now with a whole lot of pain and emotions. Not only do you have a good bit of healing and emotions to process until you can have a healthy relationship, but entangling yourself with other woman at this point will make any chance of a R much more difficult.
THIS! Last thing you need is to make your problems worse.
Wow R will not be possible, no way, you guys can’t even imagine, she is telling people, relatives and family (including the kid) that she is finally free from an extremely abusing relationship (emotional and physical abuse) from non stop fighting and screaming that been going on for years. That’s NOT true, not even small % of what’s coming out of her mouth. Yet she is not telling people that she is in love(including wedding plans) with OM and lives with him when kid not with her….
Where in the WORLD this nonsense coming from? I should be the angry and resentful one for her cheating and divorcing me…..
I do not agree. R is always a possibility, at least her trying to R is. I tell this story all of the time. When I was going through my situation, I read a lot of anti-divorce writers and experts. One book I read on women's infidelity told the story of a woman that to justify her A, and leaving her H for the AP, accused her LBH of sexually abusing their child. He fought the allegations, there was no evidence to corroborate them, and he was eventually cleared of all the wrongdoing. At the final D hearing, after the judge ruled and finalized the D, the WAW said to this LBH, "I know in my heart we belong together and one day we will be again." or something to that effect.
Remember, she stood before God and witnesses and verbally committed her life to you in marriage, and since then has changed her mind. So it is logical to believe that she could change her mind again.
Having said all of that, do not bank on that. It could be years, even decades before she wants to R. By then you will probably have moved on and won't be open to it. So you need to assume that your MR is over, and start moving your life forward with that understanding. You might be surprised that once she is convinced that you are ok with the D, even on board with it, and even now WANT it, she might start to hedge. I've seen that a handful of times with friends and family.
Regardless, you have a lot of work to do before you get involved with another woman. The time will come, don't rush it. Work on being the best Jq that you can be, and give it time. My advice is to not start dating until after the D is final. I have a lot of reasons for that advice, but I think it is just a good line to draw in the sand from a timing perspective as well. (I will also point out that the LBSs that jump to dating too early end up struggling more than the LBSs that give it a proper amount of time.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Would you expose an affair of your S? Did you or Didn’t u not when it happened? Would you explain to people/family the reason nonsense coming out of XS?
Edit - thread merged with previous thread - try to stick to one thread until 100 posts Thank you - Cadet
Jq, this will probably get merged with your thread because you are supposed to stick with one. But here goes:
Would you expost an affair of your S?
No. Here is why. If you goal is to R at some point, this move will almost assuredly work against you. Now if you do not care about R, then I would still say, while you might get some brief satisfaction out of exposing the affair, in the end it will just make your interactions with you STBXW more problematic. So the short answer is no.
2 things related. First, getting cheated on can be embarrassing. Invariably you will have people judge you, that you must have been at fault somehow. Plus it really isn't anyone else's business. So exposing your S affair can backfire on you.
Second, the truth has a way of coming out. When the WAS starts showing up with the OP, people will start putting 2 and 2 together, so there really is no need to out the affair, it will out itself eventually.
Did you or Didn’t u not when it happened?
I did not. On the advice of anti-D experts I was advised, rightfully, not to discuss my MR issues with friends and family. There are a lot of reasons for this. Briefly, it can be a hinderance to your WAS coming back to the MR (if that is what you want). Friends and family, with the best intentions in mind, will give you AWFUL advice, generally. So discussing her A with others close to the situation is a lose-lose proposition. (Be aware, my W's A was an EA. Not sure it matters in terms of this questions but wanted to disclose that.)
Would you explain to people/family the reason nonsense coming out of XS?
If you follow the advice above, then the answer is no because you won't be the one discussing this with friends and family. However, if you choose to ignore that advice, especially if a WS is badmouthing you to anyone that will listen, then you when it comes up (I still suggest not being the one to bring it up), you can explain that what she is saying isn't true. Note, you can still do that AND not out her affair! We had a great poster here a few years back that had one of the worst WWs we've ever seen. Drugs, alcohol, partying, constantly going back and forth between he and the OM. And lots and lots of accusations on her part trying to tear him down to the point where he started video recording on his phone ALL interactions with her to protect himself. Obviously, this was an extreme case but my point is that people that knew him knew she was full of crap. Do not underestimate the ability of most non-biased people to see through the WS's garbage.
Hope that helps.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Would you expose an affair of your S? Did you or Didn’t u not when it happened? Would you explain to people/family the reason nonsense coming out of XS?
Should you villainize your spouse? Sure, if you don't share kids and are confident you want a permanent split! You good. They villain. Your friends will pick up on this social cue that you're seeking support moving on.
Otherwise? You're creating a wedge that makes reconciliation harder and makes staying together harder even if reconciliation is achieved. I have personal experiences with that--involving abuse, not cheating. Think of it this way. Your friends and family won't encourage and will discourage you staying with someone likely to hurt you again.
Even if they deny this motivation, most LBS try to expose affairs because they think it has a chance of getting their spouse to come back or start “waking up.”
It never, EVER does.
The other reason you don’t go exposing her affair, is because DB principles say you focus on YOU.
Option A - Expose her affair as an attempt to force her back/make you feel better/manipulate what others think
Option B - Give zero fks why she left, wish her and OM all the best and accept it is what it is. Be so busy having fun and living a great life and go smash the gym. Imagine sunglasses on, windows down, heavy metal rock pumping, as you drive away in the opposite direction.
Which of those is a boss move? (And by extension, is likely to come across as attractive)?
