NEXT!

[DejaVu6]

I don’t think it is weird at all Ginger. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have had too many “sorry…I just don’t feel a romantic connection” conversations with people and I dread them. I’m also like you… I don’t swipe right on guys that seem too good looking or too accomplished or too anything, TBH. Realistically, I’m a 7 or 8 in every category so I’m not looking for 10’s. I would say my “type” is a blue collar guy who lives in a white collar world…lol. That’s how I would describe myself if I were a guy. I have three university degrees and I work in mental health / youth justice so my colleagues are clinicians, psychiatrists, lawyers, judges, etc…. However, on my off time, I like to do blue collar kinds of activities… sitting around a campfire, playing pool in a pool hall, etc… Not to say that I don’t like other activities but I definitely have preferences. When I was in my 30’s and single, I used to spend weekends travelling to various pool tournaments in the bars and pool halls of small town USA. I think those are my happiest memories as I was doing exactly what I wanted to do at the time and was responsible for just me, myself and I.

I feel for you my friend. I am on a couple of apps but really have not responded to anyone or swiped right on anyone since I decided I wasn’t going on a third date with VP. Right now it just seems like too much effort and my heart isn’t in it. I know that will change though, as it always does…lol. Not too many other ways to meet someone new these days. It just is what it is.

Hope you have a fantastic time at the wedding. (((HUGS)))

[kml]

This guys anxiety is general anxiety and not relationship based. Like he had the chance to take a really great trip, but backed out last minute because his anxiety got the best of him .

You might stay aware that anxiety this extreme might be social anxiety, or it MIGHT be OCD. People with OCD get very anxious. I'd be curious if the backing out at the last minute was because he was overwhelmed at the thought of the amount of socializing that would be required - or if he had OCD concerns like phobia of flying, germs, etc.

I'd also be interested in what kind of treatment (and how long) he has had. If this is a recent development and he's getting treatment, that's one thing. If it's a lifelong problem that has kept him from being a productive member of society that's a whole other ball of wax. Not saying that he couldn't be a lovely guy or that he doesn't deserve love - only that taking on someone with those challenges might not be right for YOU.

Hoping he turns out to be significantly different from what this little bit of info implies. And hoping this wedding you are attending has some cute single wedding crashers.

[DonH]

This guys anxiety is general anxiety and not relationship based. Like he had the chance to take a really great trip, but backed out last minute because his anxiety got the best of him .

You might stay aware that anxiety this extreme might be social anxiety, or it MIGHT be OCD. People with OCD get very anxious. I'd be curious if the backing out at the last minute was because he was overwhelmed at the thought of the amount of socializing that would be required - or if he had OCD concerns like phobia of flying, germs, etc.

I'd also be interested in what kind of treatment (and how long) he has had. If this is a recent development and he's getting treatment, that's one thing. If it's a lifelong problem that has kept him from being a productive member of society that's a whole other ball of wax. Not saying that he couldn't be a lovely guy or that he doesn't deserve love - only that taking on someone with those challenges might not be right for YOU..

I don't have the ability or frankly the interest to dig into the why's of this but dang, all I see is a huge red flag. I mean, he sounds like a whole lot of fun - backing out last minute on a really great trip? Oh yeah, sign me up for some of that. I mean, it would be one thing if a true mental disorder would befall someone I'm already committed to and in love with. I would not abandoned them but as KML says, taking on someone with challenges like this... I mean, why? He's not yours to fix. I'd be really, really cautious.

I've said this before and it really seems to apply again here. The most common reason someone tries to set up friends, let alone set up a child with a friend is not based on common interests, on hobbies, on personalities, on potential compatibility, or often even on looks. The number one over-riding reason they try to set single people up is BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH SINGLE! I have to wonder if that's the predominate reason here - he's single, she's single, let's set them up.

[Ginger1]

I’m not going to lie, the anxiety concerns me. I am a pretty go wo
It’s the one try anything kind of gal. Pretty laid back and open. It would be difficult to be with someone who is the polar opposite .

He takes medical marijuana . He has a solid family and a a good friend base and does socialize . This is what I know.

And yes, his mom new I was single and in the same age ball park and I’m “pretty and fun” ( her words) and thought she would hook us up. Sometimes all you need to be is single and in others eyes, that makes you compatible x it’s almost like a scarlet letter “S” lol.

I don’t know. Lately I have been at more peace being alone. Not overly depressed and lonely, but in the same breath, I want to try to find someone that adds to my life.

It’s a tough find. I trust no texting connections. You never know which way it is going to go. One thing for sure is I trust nothing

[Traveler]

I don't have the ability or frankly the interest to dig into the why's of this but dang, all I see is a huge red flag. I mean, he sounds like a whole lot of fun - backing out last minute on a really great trip? Oh yeah, sign me up for some of that. I mean, it would be one thing if a true mental disorder would befall someone I'm already committed to and in love with. I would not abandoned them but as KML says, taking on someone with challenges like this... I mean, why? He's not yours to fix. I'd be really, really cautious.

"Massive red flag" may be blowing this out of proportion. kml said this MAY be a sign of extreme social anxiety or OCD, and if so the question is whether he's getting treated. I organize trips--about 20% drop trips they've paid for last-moment due to anxiety! For many, social anxiety is a temporary journey. I dabbled with it for 6mo a few years ago, so I can relate to canceling last minute. I get high event attendance rates via occasional check-ins with participants on their comfort levels.

The book "Attached" discusses ANXIOUS (20%) vs. AVOIDANT (25%) relationship attachment styles. They do poorly in relationships together, but often do well with SECURE (50%) people. As much as I've reduced my relationship anxiety, being in a relationship with someone who's feelz are consistent means I don't feel nor act anxious around my partner.

[Ginger1]

I don’t think he has social anxiety. Just generalized.

On a different note. I’ve been having some anxiety myself. Related to money. I’m feeling a little bit of the doom and gloom myself. I make sure I work at least one OT shift, plus my few hours of my work from home job every pay period. I quit getting my nails done. I rarely order out and I try to bring my lunch to work most days. I don’t go out with friends anymore unless it’s a work event that is paid for by our marketing partners. Every single purchase I make is made with thought and I get anxiety around every purchase. I feel guilt when I do buy something .
I am negative in my bank account until midnight when my paycheck goes in. I am on credit card debt. And this is all basically to live like a regular human raising another human.

Professional career means nothing. There is literally no way out of this. Can’t sell, can’t move, can’t nothing . I just have to keep my head above water and hope to pay my debt when I sell In a few years. If I had parents who lived close by and there were extra rooms, I would absolutely do it. This is why I don’t judge people who live at home around here. Being a single parent on one income is just impossible. I would D and I in a heartbeat in if I had the opportunity .

This keeps me up at night. I have no one to share the burden with . I have absolutely zero way out of this. Feeling like your drowning and no one to help keep you mentally afloat is just awful. I’ve been crying on and off all night. I worked a 10 hour day, got myself some sushi for $15 and felt guilty and awful. I even had my daughters friends mom take D to swim tonight because I was so tired and depressed . And I had to muster up energy to do house of chores .

I literally cannot remember one time in my almost 42 years I felt safe and like there was some smooth sailing even for a period of time. My life has never ever not been a struggle. I’m worn out.

[MLCxH]

Professional career means nothing. There is literally no way out of this. Can’t sell, can’t move, can’t nothing . I just have to keep my head above water and hope to pay my debt when I sell In a few years.

Have you explored options to tap into the equity in your home given it must have appreciated? Is cash out refinancing an option? Or a home equity loan? If you are house rich, it is not necessary to sell the house to get access to the equity in it.

This keeps me up at night. I have no one to share the burden with . I have absolutely zero way out of this. Feeling like your drowning and no one to help keep you mentally afloat is just awful. I’ve been crying on and off all night.

If you have not got back to IC, please do look into the same. I feel even a few sessions will be helpful to you given your current state of mind. If money is tight, perhaps there are options for free or subsidized help available?

I worked a 10 hour day, got myself some sushi for $15 and felt guilty and awful.

Don't feel guilty about these. Spending an extra $100 a month on occasional meals is unlikely to change your financial situation much. The $15 you save can easily be negated by an increase in the price of gas at the pump.

I literally cannot remember one time in my almost 42 years I felt safe and like there was some smooth sailing even for a period of time. My life has never ever not been a struggle. I’m worn out.

One thing you could maybe try is to drop the rope and stop trying to control everything. Take life one day at a time, one task at a time. Don't be focused on selling and moving years from now, assuming that is the only solution to fix the problems in your life. Focus on today, focus on now and do something productive that will put your life in better shape that it was earlier, however small that may be.

[Core]

I like to think I'm excellent with money and its still hard here. No streaming services, lowest tier phone plan, lowest internet, extremely cheap electric, I conserve water, no debt other than mortgage, I stopped buying any organic foods for my kids, I dont date, dont drink or smoke, spend under $50 a month out with friends or kids per month, and its still not easy. We'll own nothing and be happy, or so the elite tell us. We are on our way there.

Professional career means nothing. - sadly most big companies treat underlings as mouth breathing peasants
There is literally no way out of this. Can’t sell, can’t move,- same
can’t nothing - can enjoy time with your D
I just have to keep my head above water and hope to pay my debt when I sell In a few years. - end is in sight

This keeps me up at night. I have no one to share the burden with . I have absolutely zero way out of this. Feeling like your drowning and no one to help keep you mentally afloat is just awful.

Not having someone to share the burden with is where you seem to get hit the most. I think you've the fortitude to get through this.

Well, I'm probably the last to be giving you any advice here actually as I'm full blown staring fate in the face telling it to F off long enough so that I can hopefully keep my kids alive while the country collapses. I feel you Ginger, it's not easy, its depressing, it feels hopeless and bleak, yet we will continue to survive. As exercise does for our bodies, so does mental and spiritual resistance strengthen the soul.

[DejaVu6]

Have you thought about meeting with a debt counsellor. That may not be the right title but I know there are people who will sit down with you, look at what you make and what you owe and help you come up with a solid plan on how to get back in control of things. They can also sometimes get some of your debt forgiven. That’s the case in Canada anyway.

Also…I still think it is worth an straightforward conversation with your ex about your situation and how you absolutely need more help with expenses. Or a letter detailing what you need from him? IF he can afford to take her on 10+ vacations, he can afford to pay more support. (((HUGS)))

[AndrewP]

Have you thought about meeting with a debt counsellor. That may not be the right title but I know there are people who will sit down with you, look at what you make and what you owe and help you come up with a solid plan on how to get back in control of things. They can also sometimes get some of your debt forgiven. That’s the case in Canada anyway.

You have to be careful of things like this assuming you are talking about a "consumer proposal". It can be a way to get yourself out of an immediate crisis without bankruptcy but it kills your credit rating for an extended period of time - up to 6 years according to what I just looked up.

Ginger - sorry you are having a tough time of things on all sorts of levels. Hope you have a great time at that wedding. ((Ginger1))