Dink, focus on what you can change. Her, the situation, your son's feelings, none of that are things you can change.
So what can you change? YOU! Into the best version of yourself that you can be. You sound like a decent dude. Maybe a little on the Nice Guy Syndrome spectrum. But EVERYONE can get better. So GAL like a madman!! Work on self-improvements by reading, learning, getting into IC. And then keep working on detachment. Your over-attachment to your W has you stuck. Emotionally detaching (IC WILL help with this!) is the first, best self-improvement you can make.
At this point I feel like a broken record. LOL So I will stop now. Good luck to you in the future, you will have more pain to go through (ask people here who have been through a D, they can help guide you), but if you focus on yourself and put in the work, you will be way better off in a few months than you are now, and may even look back and realize that this was an opportunity to live your best life!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand what you are saying Steve, and I can see why you may think that about being a little nice guy because of my behavior I have wrote about on here. Trust me I haven’t always been mr nice guy, a problem I know I have had in the past and am working on is being passive some time and even passive aggressive at times. But I know that during those years she speaks of I wasn’t mrnice guy. I think that right now it probably seems that, I can see it myself when you said that. I kinda felt that I did change and did do all these things that she wanted and kinda felt reject in spite of my efforts. So yes in that way I understand why you feel that way.
I was in a totally different mind frame this time as I said, I accepted it, even though I didn’t like it I left on my own it was still difficult but I did. The problem I feel is finding out about other man it it made me spiral. Still no excuse I have to get a life.
When those outside factors come into play (financial strain, child rearing stresses, family dynamics, illness, etc…), some people will get through it by doubling down on their marriage whereas others will turn away from their spouse and start to look for sources of happiness outside of their marriage. If both of you are in the first category, you find a way to get through those times and your marriage gets even stronger. If you are married to someone who falls into the second category, you may find yourself on a board like this one feeling the way you are feeling. It is what it is. Bottom line is that you can’t control what other people do and it is futile to try.
This is 100 percent accurate accept I would like to add that some don't cheat/leave or double down on their marriage and live a miserable existence together. Everyone knows at least one of these couples.
I know one thing for sure…if I ever get serious about anyone in the future, that will be the first thing I figure out about them. When the going gets rough, what do they do? What have they done in the past? That’s something I didn’t give enough weight to in the past but it means everything to me now.
DejaVu6 - the last couple sentences are so true, the only problem I see people not asking those questions. I wonder how many people actually talk about it with their partner?
Do some reading on NGS. The ironic thing about being a Mr. Nice Guy is that it isn't all that nice! Most people hear the term "Nice Guy Syndrome" and think that it means being nice. In reality it means being nice in order to receive things/favors etc in return. And passive-aggressiveness is one of the markers.
I'd seriously check out the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. I've never heard from a guy that read it that it didn't help in some way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the info Steve and everyone . I’m beginning my Journey forward I believe now that she Has spoken to all the kids and I go back to work Monday. You guys have been very helpful, even if I didn’t always do the best in following the advice all the time. I will be in touch going forward with hopefully progress I have made.
Time for a new thread and please link both threads together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My response to that is that doubling down does not necessarily have to lead to living a miserable existence.
What I was trying to say was some if not most people in long term marriages even though it's miserable decide to stay an just accept it as being bad. They don't double down and try to fix anything. They just live a comfortable miserable existence.
I agree. I just think too many people give up too quickly. They refuse to look at their part in it and instead point the finger toward their spouse and look for reasons to leave instead of reasons to stay. I fully believe that if you loved someone once and the two of you are able to own your own stuff and put the work in to repair what you broke…together…you can love each other again. And if there are kids involved…why wouldn’t you want that?!? I think back on my sitch and all of the energy XH devoted to creating his other life while simultaneously carrying on with his family life, it is mind boggling. Imagine if he had spent even half that amount of energy working on our relationship.
I accept it but I will never, ever truly understand it. Probably why I stopped trying which, btw Dink, is the first step in truly moving forward. Once you reach acceptance, you will be amazed at how quickly you begin to heal.
Dejavu6, and I guess and one else who is divorced. how long after hearing they wanted a divorce and you had moved on did you ever consider dating and such. Did yo while the divorce was moving thru the system, after 6 months or 2 years. Just curious
